Deck Expenditures
Deck materials: ~$6,000
-Acquired ahead of time on discount from Cousin Beth’s business. Colour is unfortunate but tolerable and will wear nicely.
Demolition of old deck: $0
-Phoned Fred’s sister in for the work at favourable rates. Job postponed due to presence of groundhog. She says dealing with animals isn’t in her job description.
Humane trap to remove groundhog: $79
-Purchased from hardware store and left overnight baited with banana. Bait was removed without triggering the trap. Increased trap sensitivity and left overnight baited with apple. Apple was removed without triggering the trap. Increased trap sensitivity and left overnight baited with peanut butter. Peanut butter was removed and trap was triggered without a groundhog inside it. Fractionally decreased trap sensitivity and left overnight baited with corn. Corn was removed and trap was triggered without a groundhog inside it and then shoved into middle of driveway, where it was nearly run over. Informed by hardware store that humane trap is non-refundable after three days.
Solar-powered pest-repellent ultra-sonic sound-&-light combo-emitter 12-pack: $56
-Purchased from hardware store and placed throughout the lawn in ‘checkerboard’ pattern. Dog began peeing and wouldn’t stop until ultra-sonic was deactivated. Parrot began screaming ‘wakey-wakey’ at sundown and wouldn’t stop until light-emitter was deactivated. Groundhog showed no visible sign of discomfort. Informed by hardware store that solar-powered pest-repellent ultra-sonic sound-&-light combo-emitter 12-packs are not returnable after removal from packaging.
Air gun: $169
Coffee thermos: $0 (preowned)
Mercenary services of neighborhood children: $10
-Purchased air gun from hardware store and stayed awake all night atop old deck. Fell asleep at sunrise with no sign of groundhog; subsequent research revealed that groundhogs are diurnal. Woke before sunrise the next morning and stayed up all day atop old deck; subsequent research revealed that most groundhog burrows have at least two exits. Neighborhood children identified exits two through three, woke before sunrise the next morning and stayed up all day atop old deck, spotted groundhog returning home through exit four.
Motion detectors: $40
-Purchased motion detectors from hardware store and rigged them at all four exits to groundhog burrow, then woke before sunrise and stayed up all day atop old deck. Investigation in the evening revealed that all four motion detectors had been gnawed to pieces. Fired air gun down burrow. Informed by hardware store that air guns are not returnable after firing.
Lethal trap: $50
-Purchased second-hand fur trap from Mr. Maddersen’s garage sale and placed it over exit four, filled other three entrances with a mixture of gravel and sand. Woke to find blocked exits had been excavated + fur trap had been removed and smashed and appended with a threatening cut-and-paste letter from neighborhood kids, who proclaim the groundhog their friend. Mr. Maddersen feigned senility at the word ‘refund.’
Shotgun: $226
-Purchased from hunting store, then got up early, blocked exits two through four with large rocks + gravel, and waited by exit four. Groundhog whistled in ear at noon while checking phone; jumped and fired shotgun at foot, removing left big toe. Told officer neighborhood children must have been setting off fireworks. Informed by hunting store that they will not accept guns that have tasted human blood for fear of creating ‘man-eaters.’
Homemade smoke bombs: $0
Aerosol air fresheners: $100
-Smoke bombs were manufactured from firestarters and damp paper with a touch of lighter fluid and inserted into newly-dug exits one through five after spending the week hunting them down (neighborhood children are conducting boycott on behalf of groundhog). Smoke immediately billowed upwards from exits without entering tunnels and filled home. Told fire department it was a barbecuing mishap.
Large, angry weasel: $5,000
-Purchased from disreputable website, put on a water diet for 24 hours, then released from cage at exit four. Weasel escaped after tactical strike to face. Website admin cited caveat emptor + threatened revealing my address to authorities.
Inhumane trap: $200
Replacement weed whacker: $677
-Combined scrap metal + broken lawnmower + remaining aerosol air fresheners + electric lighters into ‘blender-explosive’ land mine, embedded under exit five. Awoken at 2AM by exploding lawnmower noises, rushed outside to find BE landmine prematurely detonated by the insertion of expensive weed whacker into exit five and ‘gRoUNDhoG LIVES!!!’ spraypainted on door surrounded by grubby footprints of neighborhood children.
Backhoe rental (1-day): $473
Bribe to rental manager: $500
-Acquired backhoe from hardware store ahead of backlog through creative means. Blocked exits one through three with cement and began digging at exits four through five, only for backhoe to collapse into one-meter-deep pit along with 36% of backyard due to groundhog undermining. Hopes of groundhog fatality dashed when groundhog emerged from undiscovered exit six and whistled during desperate fumbling for emergency exit latch as further subsidence sucked the backhoe beneath the topsoil. Escaped, showered, went to basement for laundry and suffered tactical weasel strike to the face due to escaped large, angry weasel lairing behind water heater. Now banned from hardware store.
White phosphorus: $11,877
-Purchased white phosphorus from Cousin Grotus and piped it down exits one through six. Remaining 63% lawn set ablaze with unquenchable flame; neighbourhood children filed report to Hague; mailbox filled with passive-aggressive notes from neighbours regarding property values and norms. Negative: groundhog remains defiant. Positive: demolition of old deck is now no longer necessary.
Mission fee for Agent Z: $750,000
-Paid fee to ex-coworker of great-aunt Germania: Agent Z. One week of surveillance followed by two weeks of shadowing followed by one week of habituation followed by fifteen-second demolition of house by Agent Z via plastic explosives after counter-seduction by groundhog convinced them to betray the contract.
Darkweb bounty on groundhog’s skull: $1,000,000 in bitcoin
-Purchased the services of every killer in the province to kill the groundhog as weekend project. Groundhog escaped via culvert to overpass, where it jumped into shipment of logs, leading into two-day car chase to sawmill, cargo ship, construction site, city hall. Seventeen of forty hired guns lost due to friendly fire, sawblades, unsafely loaded cargo containers, swinging girders, exposure to municipal politics. Groundhog went down in a hail of bullets at long last and immediately returned as vengeful revenant, killing remaining twenty-three assassins.
Exorcism: $0
-Requested service in first local denomination searchable on internet. Priest attempted to do his best against swarms of locusts, endless screaming echoing from beneath house; death of all plants on block; but groundhog’s prayers were too powerful and priest was hurled far away into the land beyond the greybow. Sky has begun to weep ichor.
Emergency rental room out of town: $1,000
-Groundhog tore remnants of home and single remaining vehicle into the sky as departure grew imminent, held in iron grip of rage and pain. Saved by heartfelt pleas of the neighbourhood children to spare humanity so they may have one more chance to learn and grow, opening the vice of hatred clasped tight ‘round its heart and softening its resolve. Groundhog returned vehicle to rubble of driveway and departed for the Burrow Below All.
***
Building permit for residential deck has been rejected due to failure to pay the associated civic fee.