Storytime: Smut.

July 29th, 2020

“C’mon.  Do it.”
“Uhhh…”
“What’s the matter, shy?”
“No.  No!”
“Oh, is it your first time?  That’s okay, you know.  Don’t worry about it.”
“It’s-”

“Don’t go lying to me right now.  Look, just do what comes naturally.  Bite me right about here, where my skin is ten times thicker than yours.”

The blue shark would’ve blushed if he were physically capable, but he wasn’t, so he didn’t.

He did, however, sink his teeth directly into the other blue shark’s side.

“Oww.  Oww.  Ouch.  Ouch ouch ouch.”
“Fowwy.”
“No ouch ouch that’s ow fine that’s ow how it’s ack meant to ow feel.  Argh.  I’m extremely turned on now ow ow ow this is actually very hotaaaaaaaaagh.”
“Fokay.”

There was a very prolonged pause filled with several awkward things.

“My cloaca’s farther down.”

“Fowwy.”
Goddamned virgins.  Ignorance was okay, but never asking questions?

***

“What light through yonder web breaks?”
Good, good.  He was getting her curious.

“It is the east, and you are the sun!”
Oh, now she saw where this was going.

“Impossibly huge and powerful, ravenously gorging yourself upon the universe!  I am a trapped gnat before you, humbly serving no purpose save to feed your divine flame!”

Okay that was enough.  “Come here you little dirty-talking slut,” she told him, and pounced.

“Thank you very much, my lady,” he said as she started working on his relatively tiny and feeble extremities.
“Less talk more action, loverboy,” she said, halfway through his first leg.  “I’m absolutely not slowing down after that intro.”

Tragically he only got to sixth base before she chewed through his abdomen.  Damn her weakness for smooth talkers; they never lived up to their own hype.

***

Solitary the Komodo dragon sat, ten feet long and hundreds of pounds, strong-tailed and scaly-backed. Her mouth was closed, her tens of serrated surfaces tucked away beneath bloody gums and firmed lips, backed by idle muscles that could tear flesh from bone and limb from life.

Stomach half-full of yesterday’s deer, body warmed by the afternoon’s heat, spine pleasantly supple with the relaxation of a day spent doing nothing in particular, there had been few more happy times in her life.

She stared at the sunset’s sea and thought about things that had nothing to do with life or death or self or other, and then something inside her ovaries went ‘plunk.’

“Aw fuck,” said the dragon.  “Not again.”

This was her THIRD YEAR IN A ROW undergoing parthenogenesis.  Damn her stupid biological clock.

At least maybe this time she wouldn’t eat all of them.

***

The flight was beautiful – loops, twirls, drunken corkscrews, spinning through a sky far above the ant colony.  The tunnels and the workers and her fat flightless mother all suddenly so far away that she could’ve blotted them out of her mind just like that – like THAT – they were so small and pointless.

This was what she wanted to do!  What she wanted to do was fly!

She also wanted to do someone, and so convenient it was that the air near her was thick with drones.  One of the tastier looking ones was looping around her right now, and the attraction was looking very much mutual.

A bit of petting in the air, but that was nothing at all – just a touch that made her want more.  She wanted to fly and fuck and nothing else, a little squeeze wasn’t going to cut it. 

So they went down to the rain-damp ground where there was more leverage and then it started and was immediately over.

“Well, bye,” said the drone, and took off again. 

“Excuse me?” she asked. 

“Job’s done.  Gonna go starve to death now,” his voice echoed faintly back at her. 

“Excuse ME?” she asked.

Then her wings fell off and landed in the mud.

At that moment she finally, completely, and fully understood why her mother had always seemed so crabby.

***

“New guy today.”
Lisa blinked.  “Huh?  Didn’t hear about that.”
“It was late last night; you were out swiping that hyena kill with Lottie.  He popped up early morning, swatted Leo stupid and sent him whining off.”
“Oh.”  Lisa rolled over and aimlessly pawed at the steaming savannah air, her fluffy tummy rippling in the breeze.  “Is he hot?”
“If you like older guys I guess?  Looks like someone ate his ear though.”
“Kinky.”
“Like, a crocodile.”
“Oh.  Less kinky.”

“Yeah, it’s not a clean bite.”
“Gross.”
“The ol’ twist-n-tear.”
“Gross gross.”
“Like, that thing where you’ve got a good grip on a gazelle’s leg and you just give it a turn and a YANK and-”

“Gross gross gross.  Hey, is that Lenore?”
“Aw fuck it is.  Don’t make eye contact.”
“Too late, here she comes.  What’s eating HER?”
“Not her, her cubs.  And it was new guy.”
“Oh right.”
“God, she will NOT shut up about it though.  You’d think she’d never had her offspring killed to stimulate her reproductive readiness before.”
“I know, right?  Queen, please.”
Lenore sat down right in front of them.

“All my cubs are dead,” she said. 

“Yeah, we heard.”
“Yeah, she told me.”
“He just offed ‘em!  The little shits had finally stopped nursing!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Yep.”
“And NOW I get to go through that ALL OVER AGAIN.  Teething and everything!”
“Sucks.”
“Ayuh.”
At least the sun wasn’t the most tedious part of midday anymore, Lisa guessed.


Storytime: War.

July 22nd, 2020

“Orders came through!” shouted the sergeant over the not-actually-distant thunder of artillery shells turning the ground into mud pies. “Seize the hill!”

“Aw hell,” said McClunksy, spitting theatrically.  “Why we gotta?”
“Do it or you’re a buttmunch.”
“You take that back you son of a bitch!”
“Seize the hill or you’re a buttmunch.  Buttmunch.  Butt.  Munch.  Butty butty buttmunche-”

McClunksy snarled in fathomless rage and hate, snatched up his rifle, and began eeling his way up the hill, choosing each tuft of grass and clod of earth with care to block the sight of his round little helmet advancing upwards, towards the enemy. 

“And that goes for the rest of you!” said the sergeant.  “Stop trying to sneak off when I’m not looking.  Peck!  Dobson!  Clarke!  Get your rears in gears and go kill those dumbasses.”
“My leg’s tired and I peed myself,” whined Clarke. 

“You can pee yourself when you’re dead!  Get up that hill, you dope!”
“I’m NOT a dope!”
“PROVE it!  Dobson, I just TOLD you to stop trying to sneak off when I’m not looking!  Just for that, you can go first!”
“McClunksy went first.”
“Then you’re second.  What are you, chicken?”
“I’m NOT chicken!”
“Prove it and get out there!”

And so, after much cajoling, threatening, taunting, and peer pressure, the squad started their journey into hell, because none of them wanted to be chicken, babies, or big fat losers. 

Worse had been done for less cause. 

***

“Throw the damned grenade, Peck!” roared the sergeant. 
“My arm hurts.”
“It can hurt when it’s dead!”
“You’re ALWAYS telling me to do things when I’m dead!” pouted Peck.  “I don’t wanna!  Why not make Clarke throw the grenade?”
“Clarke’s pinned down under enemy fire, you get to throw the grenade and by every devil and demon in hell you are going to do that right now damnit!”
“Don’t wannnaaaaaaa-”

“CORPORAL PECK IF YOU START A TANTRUM RIGHT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ASSAULT I WILL PUT YOUR ASS OVER MY KNEE DO YOU HEAR ME?”
Peck turned his back to the sergeant and kicked viciously at a rolling fragment of what had once been a man. 

“Look.  Throw the grenade, and when we get back, you can have an extra MRE.”

Silence. 

Then: “One of the beef ones?”
“Yes, one of the beef ones.”
“…okay.  But just this once.”
“Good.  Here’s the grenade.”
Peck wound up threw it and turned a gun emplacement and five men into a jumbled mess. 

“Fuck yeah!”
“Language!”

“Eat shit!”
“LANGUAGE OR NO MRE!”
“Dickhead!”
“Acceptable!”

***

They attained the summit at long last, delayed by a vicious fight between Clarke and McClunsky over whether or not Spider-man or batman would be a bigger help right now.

“We’re here.  Good job, men.”
“Uggh,” said Clarke, bellyflopping. 

“Tiiired,” whined Peck, sprawled out like a beached seal. 

“Are we done?” yawned McClunsky.  “I wanna go home now.”
“We have to hold it first.  C’mon.  Peck, you’re on sniper duty; McClunsky, unship the flamethrower.”

“Oh boy!”
Clarke frowned.  “McClunsky ALWAYS gets the flamethrower.  Why can’t I have the flamethrower?”
“Knock it off, Clarke – you know damned well the flamethrower’s McClunsky’s responsibility.”
“Why does HE get to be responsible!  I’m responsible!”
“Yeah you are.  You’re responsible for the first aid supplies.”
“Those are boring stuff for GIRLS,” said Clarke, stomping his feet.  “I want to use the flamethrower!  McClunsky never shares the flamethrower, and you said sharing is good!  He’s being a selfish asshole!”
“Language, Clarke!  Don’t you dare talk about your squadmate that way.  LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU.  Thank you.  Now you stop giving me sass and you apologiz – look, never mind.  Just stop trying to take McClunsky’s stuff.  How would you feel if we took your stuff?”
“Good.  Bandaids are stupid.”
“They aren’t bandaids, Clarke.”

***

The counter-attack was fierce and furious. 

“Woooo!” shouted McClunsky cheerfully, piping molten death into the faces of his fellow humans.  “Eat it!  Hahahah!  Owned, bitches!  Owned!  Owned!  Owned!  Noobs!”
“Language, McClunsky,” said the sergeant.  “Peck, there’s one downslop-”

“I KNOW, okay?  Stop telling me what to do!”
“I’m just making sure you do it right.”
“You don’t trust me!  You never trust me!  You don’t trust anyone but McClunsky because he’s your favorite!”
“I don’t have favorites, I love you all equally.”
“You’re lying!”

There was a little ‘spang’ sound and a bullet smacked into the sergeant’s backpack. 

“Peck?  Do your chores.”
“Ugh.  Fine.  This is abuse.”

“All done!” shouted McClunsky brightly from downslope. 

Then a shell hit him and he went away. 

***

The lieutenant looked like a visitor from some strange other world, picking his way through the smoke and smouldering ashes and burnt metal.  A heron wading through the reeds. 

“Sergeant.  Well done.  Victory is ours, and your men deserve congratulations for their part in it.”

“Not all of them, sir.  McClunsky is gone.”
The lieutenant followed the sergeant’s pointing finger to the physical evidence that was all that remained of McClunsky’s mortal presence on this earth and threw up a little in his mouth.

“I can’t….I can’t believe he’s gone!” he gasped out, once the retching was done.  “He was going to go home, start a family-”

“Asked him yesterday, sir; he still thought kissing was gross.”

“-go home, rejoin his family.  And now he’s just been turned into a meat crater by some half-awake dork at a little console miles away.  What kind of death is that?”
The sergeant shook his grizzled, pube-chinned thirteen-year-old head.  “It’s the kind we’re given, sir.  War is a young man’s game.”


Storytime: No Call.

July 15th, 2020

“So, how have you heard the song?”

Sixteen times I’d heard that question today.  I wanted to smack, punch, kick, and swear at the brightly cheerful face asking me the question six miles into a ten mile hike.  The bus driver wouldn’t take us to the Inglevale stop. 

That didn’t deter anyone else packed on there with me.  They’d all heard a song, you see, and what was a little walk compared to that?  And besides, it gave them a chance to compare notes.  Constantly. 

So I smiled and I lied and I spun my little story about how it had been.  Every bit of it was true, but not all the bits were from the same place.  God only knows we’d had enough choices back at the bureau.  Half the hitchhiking traffic in the country was Inglevale-bound. 

“Great!” said the cheerful idiot when I was done waxing earnest at her.  Her face was half freckles and half grin and all mad.  “Not far now!”

And it wasn’t.  Inglevale town limits were ahead, just on the lip of the hill. 

***

Up until six months ago, the most noteworthy thing Inglevale produced was dirt.  Gravel, to be specific.  Decent stone there for that, and not much else. 

Then the bottom of a gravel pit opened up and dropped a bulldozer down it, and the man inside – dragged out after six breathless hours of the first actual excitement the place had ever known – says he saw god. 

Fair enough, that happens sometimes. 

Then the whole town listened to him. 

That’s a little rarer. 

And now there’s whole busloads and roving vans and train cars packed full of pilgrims, all moving across the country in bands of one to forty, following the song that Bowser Fenton told them would come. 

That’s downright rare.  Who the fuck names their kid ‘Bowser’?

***

I’d expected a little less… purpose, I admit. 

Cults have enthusiasm.  They don’t necessary have know-how.  No matter how earnest and fervent the loonies are, once everyone’s busy diving the will of the universe they tend to let toilets clog and streets fill with trash. 

Inglevale was an anthill.  A proper, functioning anthill, not one overturned by a careless shoe.  The streets were full and they were churning; bodies going every which way, people hurrying eagerly from task to task, moving metal, moving timber, clearing away garbage, and laughing, talking, chattering constantly, always about that damned song. 

Was this a religion or a construction crew?

What were they building?

And what was the fastest way for me to answer those two questions, so that –

“So, how have you heard the song?”
– I would never have to hear that one again?

***

Work answered some of my problems.  I grabbed onto a repurposed dump truck laden with shiny new parts along with half the crowd around me, took it down to the construction site. 

It was by the lake.  Made sense, I suppose, since it’s the one thing Inglevale has that’s noteworthy.  Big ol’ gravel pit that flooded out and they just shrugged and put up some beaches. 

What made less sense was what they were building.  At first I thought it was obscured by a cloud of scaffolding; then we got closer and I realized it was nothing BUT scaffolding.  Some kind of lunatic antenna? 

“The song swells!” called down a worker, sweaty and smiling and forty feet in the air. 

“So it does!” chorused the truckers. 

Work wasn’t too bad.  People did what they were comfortable with; welding, hauling, assembly.  I’d seen worse safety setups on certified and monitored construction sites, frankly, which was all the more impressive given there didn’t seem to be any foremen.  Nobody giving any instruction at all, actually.  Made finding out what I was meant to be doing all the more troublesome; people just went were they were needed which – against all reason – always seemed to be the right place.  I felt like a blind cat in a rocking chair factory, only all the chairs were full of other perfectly happy blind cats that wouldn’t stop yowling encouragement at me.

And asking me about the damned song. 

Rest for the night was surprisingly comfy.  The out-of-towners were being put up across town in a patchwork of spare rooms, Inglevale’s singular hotel, and the many motels scattered along the fringe of its desolate highway – I scored an empty room in the latter, where I spent the night making notes and trying to ignore someone noisily having bad but enthusiastic sex next door. 

I must have looked bad in the morning; I stumbled outside into a parking lot that had been turned into an emergency breakfast buffet, and by the time I made it out the other side I’d had four brownies and a waffle stuffed into my arms.

The waffle was buttered.  Wonder if the song told them to do that. 

***

The report was due in three days and I still wasn’t learning anything new besides how to be a perfectly adequate and safe high-rise worker. 

Well, that wasn’t entirely true.  I’d gotten several more unanswered questions. 

How the hell did the town get swept up in this so…fully?  Everyone was in on it.  EVERYONE.  No cult’s that good.  No sign of expulsion of the unbelievers or mass graves in the woods.

What was the thing we were building?  Progress was lightning-fast, but the structure itself still looked like a pylon and a radio tower fucked and had one hell of an ugly baby. 

Who was in charge?  Bowser Fenton, maybe – still hadn’t tracked him down – but he wasn’t giving orders.  Nobody was giving orders. 

How did that even WORK?  How was anything working?  There was no chaos, or if there was it was the purposeful and planned kind.  Everyone knew exactly what they were doing.

Well, except me.  But I was good at improv, and a convincing liar.  All I had to do was follow a line. 

Which everyone refused to feed me.  Just the song.  The song, the song, the song. 

I’d shared my fictional account of the song a hundred times.  Never once seen a hint of disbelief.  These people were infants.  Naïve, born-again-yesterday hopefuls, thinking they were truly in at the ground floor of the Most Important Thing Ever. 

That was pretty much the only thing about them that made any sense at all. 

“The song swells!” sang the woman next to me. 

“The song swells,” I replied, but she wasn’t listening.  Instead, she was clambering down the side of the antenna, leaving only a trail of liquid from the open, pulsating glands dotting her exposed and muscled forearms. 

Suddenly, I had another question. 

***

I had no idea how I’d missed them until then.  They were EVERYWHERE. 

Old men with soft hands, glistening with eternal dew. 

Construction crew that were covered with more than just heavy perspiration. 

One of the guys serving lunch had a blue throat.  Just the throat.  Whenever he laughed – which he did often, they all did so damned often – it pulsed and jiggled. 

It was odourless, which didn’t surprise me but did unsettle me. 

I wasn’t a doctor, but I hadn’t heard of anything like this.  Some kind of mass poisoning?  I felt like an idiot for eating the food without even a cursory inspection, but I stayed up all night running basic checks on a smuggled dinner roll and found nothing.  No radiation, no obvious additives.  Whatever was doing this, either it was something really unusual or it wasn’t in the food.  Or both. 

Still stayed up too late worrying about it, which meant I was really in need of the breakfast I didn’t get when I opened my door and found about twenty happy faces waiting for me. 

“Hello, Agent Tabitha!” said Bowser Fenton.  “We’re just finishing up!  Want to see?”

***

He looked just like the photos, besides the blue, glandular skin.  Big shaggy beard, intense eyes hidden under massive eyebushes.  He looked a lot happier now, though.  The lines on his face weren’t built for the cheery grin he sported; the wrinkles made him look older. 

“We thought you would appreciate a familiar face for this,” he explained.  “Just understand, I’m not in charge around here.  None of us are.”
I had a good poker face. 

“Not like THAT, Tabitha,” he said, pulling a face.  “I assure you, someone is in charge.  Just not one of us.  Don’t you wonder how we found you out?”
“I fucked up.”
“No, no, goodness no.  But you haven’t heard the song.”
“I-”

“Please, no need to repeat yourself.  We know you hate it.  And don’t feel so guilty about feeling so relieved.  It sours the song, you know?”
“No.”
“Right, sorry.  I’m very clumsy with my words; most of our important work nowadays doesn’t use them.  Which is what I’m here to explain to you – our work, that is – and why you need to listen carefully, despite my muddling.  There needs to be a message, you see, and since you aren’t one of us you’re the ideal messenger.  A sort of unprophet.”

“Of what?  The song?”
“Oh no.  The song just told us how to do this.  Which we’re getting to.  Here we are!  Thank you for helping build it, by the way.”
The antenna had acquired a pronounced tilt in the past two days, like a skeletal Tower of Pisa.  Overnight a large and complicated cross between a clock and a radar dish had been attached to the pinnacle. 

“What does it do?”
“This,” said Bowser.  “The song swells!” he and everyone else cheered, and then there was a teething-achingly enormous SNAP and the entire thing toppled over into the lake with that particularly slow motion giant disasters have.

“There,” said Bowser.  “All done.”
I laughed, I admit.  Against all self-control and reason, I laughed.  I laughed despite my best efforts and Bowser and the others laughed too and that was when I felt it tunnel up from the dirt, through the soil, through the water, up to the top of my head and escape into the broader atmosphere. 

I didn’t scream, but it took effort. 

“I did warn you,” said Bowser sympathetically. 

“Is that the song?” I wrenched out.  It felt like my body was being used as a bass string. 

“No,” he said.  “Not quite.  Or at least, not the one we’ve been hearing.  This is a little bit bigger, and it’s not instructions.  Our song was to tell us how to make this.”
“What is it?”
“Orders.  To tell the world to be mended.  Breath, Tabitha.”
I breathed.  The air hissed in my lungs like angry cockroaches. 

“Can you feel it?  It’s changing.”  Bowser was watching me carefully, and for the very first time he wasn’t smiling.  He looked like the old man he was, probably in the middle of telling me some bad news about my fuse box.  “It’s all changing now.  It tried to warn us, but nobody was able to hear it until I fell.  And by then it was too late.  We’d already made quite a mess of the atmosphere.  But this?  There’s still time for this.  Tabitha, LISTEN.  Go to them.  Tell them not to touch this.  Tell them not to touch us.  We’ll do what we can to protect this while it’s working, but it’d be easier if we can expect nobody to try and wreck it in the first place.  Easier still if they can help.  Are you listening, Tabitha?  Tell them that.”
I nodded. 

“Tell them that.  You understand?”
“Yes.”
“Good,” he said, and his face slid back into a sort of smile, but a distant one.  “Now you can go.  Louise’ll drive you out to where the bus usually stops.  Take some butter tarts.  And no, there’s nothing in them.  This-” and he rubbed his fingers over the soft, slipper surface of his face – “just happens when you work a bit too close and long with the stuff we put in the receiver.  It’s why we never put you too high up it, if that makes sense.”

The next bus rolled in an hour after Louise dropped me off. 

“I haven’t heard the song,” I told the head of the procession as we passed each other by.
“Yeah,” she said.  “We knew.”

***

I told them everything.  I’m not sure if we’re sending messages or missiles.  I’m not sure if the missiles will work.  I’m not sure what happens if they work. 

I’m not sure what Bowser Fenton found under the gravel pit. 

I’m not sure if it’ll make things better or worse. 


Storytime: Highest Fantasy.

July 8th, 2020

The armies drew up.  On the side of Very Evil stood ten million goblins, four million orcs, a million trolls, and ten thousand assorted wraiths spectres and general nuisances.  Almost all of them were heftily informed by racist stereotypes in what the author would avow to his grave was a meaningless coincidence. 

On the side of Incredibly Good were sixty nameless goons an (attractively yet not actually) injured protagonist and a gormless sidekick.

“Oh no oh dear oh gosh,” wailed the gormless sidekick, comically doing a little jig of dismay.  “We’re doomed and I’m very frightened because I’m here to express the audience’s less-than-flattering feelings towards themselves aw shuuuuucks.”
“Fear not, small, stupid creature, whom I lower myself to call ‘friend’ and thereby express humility (one of my many virtues),” extolled the protagonist.  His leg was bandaged but this functionally did not matter, and he would never suffer sepsis in a million years.  “Right is on our side.  We’re doomed, but only in a way that will never actually present consequences to us and only makes our cause sexier.  Chin up, you’ll see your pointlessly mundane home and marry a not unreasonably attractive spouse before the book’s done.  Look!  Already the enemy has begun their futile assault!  See how they swarm and gnash their teeth in a frenzy of despair.  We’ve got them right where we want them: two chapters from the epilogue.”

“Oh nooooo,” whined the gormless sidekick.  “I wish I could shit myself.”
“Bodily functions beyond bleeding are Not Allowed,” said the protagonist.  “Don’t be gross.  Now let’s nobly charge into battle!  Forget about my leg, it’s not important anymore and doesn’t exist.  FOR INEVITABLE VICTORY!”
“FOR HIS INEVITABLE VICTORY,” shouted the nameless goons, and they all sallied forth and the fury and passion of their writing was such that they each killed a hundred thousand enemies each before totally dying in an abstract and unspecified way that was undoubtedly very heroic yet completely unworthy of note, leaving only the protagonist and the gormless sidekick.

“Golly jeepers,” shrieked the gormless sidekick, tripping over a sword and accidentally murdering a troll eight hundred times their body weight, “I’m so relatably terrified and powerless!  This is definitely how someone who doesn’t know how to fight would acquit themselves,” they added, waving their sword frantically and spitting four goblins at once on it. 

“No fear!” shouted the protagonist heroically, somehow having the lungpower to enunciate clearly while fighting an arbitrarily large army all by himself.  He coughed lightly and a hundred orcs exploded into giblets.  “We’re all alone, but that just means our mandated triumph shall be all the sweeter in our mouths and our audience’s minds.  Gird your loins a little; I’m about to suffer a cliffhanger.  Aaaargh,” he said, as a single, cowardly, repulsive, verminous, wretched, pathetic, worthless, foul, awful, treacherous foe snuck up on him and unfairly and actually hit him, the cur. 

“Oh noooooo,” screamed the gormless sidekick.  “Now I’ve got no choice but to become arbitrarily competent for thirty seconds, a thing which I will foreverafter deny!  Rar!  Hurr!  Arr!” they snorted, and with a brief onflux of temporary drama butchered foes for a good five minutes straight without rest over the heroically swooning and prone form of the protagonist, whose helpless yet spirited defensive posture gutted a hundred thousand more. 

“I have excellent news,” said the protagonist, engaging in a futile duel against the wizard-emperor of all dead things with one hand and slapping away all his lieutenants, servants, and bodyguards with the other.  “We’re on the brink of defeat and death!”
“Criminy!” whinged the gormless sidekick. 

“Yes!  Our triumph is most definitely imminent now.  Watch as I seem to be in actual danger!  Look, look, his sword’s almost touching me!  It’s almost touching me!  Look how brave and stoic I am as it appears that I am almost overcome!  I bet you’d be pissing yourself if you were allowed to, wouldn’t you?”
“Yesssssssssssss,” hissed the gormless sidekick, legs frantically scissoring like fucking mantises. 

A giant and horrible sound smacked the eardrums of everyone present. 

“Ah, there’s our dues ex machina,” said the protagonist with satisfaction.  He sheathed his sword.  “Now we just have to watch!  Will they dissolve into vapour or crumble into stone and dust or simply run around like chickens with their heads cut off?  Who knows!  Who cares!  Men, execute them all.  From this day forwards only people that look like me – and by me, I mean the author – are permitted to exist.  Kill ‘em all and let the editors sort ‘em out!”

“Yes sir!” said the nameless goons, or maybe they didn’t.  Who cared about them, and if they were alive or dead or said anything or nothing at all? 

Anyway they killed every last member of the species opposing them or maybe they didn’t who the hell knows.  But the important thing was that they wiped them away as a threat. 

“I’m exultant, yet nobly concerned over the fate of my men,” said the protagonist, archly furrowing his brow but not in a way that didn’t make him look sexy.  “This means I get to wear the crown next chapter.  Gormless sidekick, I’d like you to be the token member of the crowd I pretend to defer to as a show of my good faith and kindness.”
“Aw shucks,” said the gormless sidekick.  “I was really hoping to just go on back to my quaint little hovel that reminds the author of the lower classes of his childhood, when people showed you a bit of respect.  I’m far too simple and stupid to ever want anything more.”
“And so it shall be,” the protagonist said, tousling their hair.  “Don’t worry: nothing is allowed to change from this point onwards.  There’s some mopping up and a coronation and so on, but there aren’t allowed to be any more problems ever again.  The right person’s in charge now, the evil monsters that pretended to be people who didn’t look like me (and who I assume our reader to be) are totally exterminated to the last child-who-doesn’t-actually-exist-to-avoid-the-implications, and the vague spectre of a monstrous tyrant who desires to control everyone is now dispersed, allowing the happy beaming sunshine world of a noble leader who wisely guides everyone into the future where everything is as he pleases to assert itself.  Now pucker up and kiss my ass.”
“Mmm!  Tastes like cherries, your highness.”
“That it does, gormless sidekick.  That it does.”


Storytime: How to Hallow a Cat.

July 1st, 2020

It was Eld Bartimas’s Day, High Prayer was six minutes away by the sun’s position, and the prayer book was nowhere to be found, no matter how many cupboards the priest ripped open and ransacked. 

And his goddamned cat wouldn’t stop complaining at him. 

“No no no not here damn double damn damn triple damn damn damn.”

“Mow.”
“Shut up.”
“Mowwwwww.”
“Maybe in the kitchen?  No no no I already checked there.”
“Mrrrrreeeaaah.”
“Shut up!  On top of the bookcase?  No, I can’t even reach there.”
“Aaankk.”
“Shut up shut up shut up!”
“Brreeeaaaow.”

The priest picked up the nearest object and spun to throw it at his cat, then saw that it was sitting on top of the prayer book. 

Well, the half of the prayer book it hadn’t torn out and eaten, from the ink stains on its face.

“You little bastard if you weren’t technically thirteen percent holiness by weight I would skin you so much right now.”
“Mow.”

He read High Prayer from memory, and if there were a few more portentous silences than usual nobody in the congregation caught on. 

***

Late August was scorching, blistering, soul-sweating weather, and that was when the church caught fire. 

It was a good time for it, if such a thing could exist.  It happened when nobody was present; it happened the day a torrential rainstorm finally broke the weeks-long desiccation of high summer; it happened when there was plenty of spare lumber and manpower available to repair and restore it; and best of all the priest hadn’t seen the cat since it happened. 

Not that he’d wish harm on any of the creator’s children, of course.  He just hoped the fuzzy jackass had been scared off and would live out the rest of his days in peace, very far away somewhere. 

Autumn’s footsteps were fast coming, and the reconstruction had been completed just in time.  The priest could still finish this last big warm cup of tea and smear the myrrh over the threshold before the equinox of the evening. 

Another sip, long and slow.  Oh lovely, mint.  Such a fine thing.  Funny how his heart was racing, though.  Pit-pat-pit-pat-pit-pat-THUD CLUNK. 

The priest put down his mug and hurried to the threshold.  There he found his cat, a toppled vessel of myrrh, four myrrh-coated cat feet, and a lot of complaining noises. 

“Fuck you,” he told the cat. 

“Mrrrrrow.”

It did not listen to him.  Then again it was at least thirty-three percent holiness by volume now, so perhaps it outranked him.  Not that he’d tell anyone about it. 

***

Fletcher was a big, big man.  Hope was a big, bigger woman. 

Their daughter, Charity, was somehow bigger than both of them despite being still daisy-fresh to the world.  It was times like this the priest was glad the baptismal font was extra sturdy. 

Everything was ready, and not a moment too soon – a glance at the window put the happy family almost at his doorstep.  He was glad he’d blessed an extra-large decanter; that baby was going to need it. 

“Mow.”
“Not now you little shit.”

The silence that followed was perhaps the most dreadful thing the priest had ever experienced in fifty years of life.  It was as if gravity had stopped working, or the sun had been switched off.  The cat DID NOT listen to him. 

Then there was a slight scraping sound. 

He turned around with the slow weight of a man who knew he was going to meet his own execution and met the eyes of the cat, who was perched on the edge of the font, one paw carefully touching the decanter of holy water, eyes round and full of nothing but total, perfect, perpetual innocence. 

“No.”
“Mow?”

“No, no, don’t do that.” 

“Mreeah.”

The priest began to sidle forward, hands extended, tongue clucking like a nervous chicken.  “No, no, you don’t want to do that.  You’re a good kitty.  Goooood kitty.”
“Mowwww.”

“Gooooood kitty.  Gooood miserable little bastard.  Goood DON’T DO THAT DON’T NO YOU LITTLE FUCKER-”

The door opened, the priest leaped, the cat slipped, the decanter spun around and did three flips in the air, and that was that. 

The priest turned around, soaked cat clutched in his arms, and met the eyes of Fletcher and Hope.  And Charity, who seemed very pleased by all of this. 

“Did you see that?”

They nodded.

“Are you CERTAIN you were witnesses to that?”
The parents nodded again, very slowly.  Charity gurgled happily. 

The priest sighed, the bone-deep, soul-weary breath of a man discovering atheism.  “Well, that’s that then,” he said. 

***

Saint Little Fucker the Fuzzy, Patron of Those Who Suffer Sociopaths was, to the church’s immense displeasure, very, very, very popular. 


 
 
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