Alice wiped the kitchen counter for the sixth time, watched the glass topple and explode, and felt merciful relief and oncoming anxiety. Well, that was one more thing to do. Well, that was going to be the last thing she’d have a real excuse to do before she did it.
So she tried to live in the moment – aching back, wobbly dustpan, frayed handbrush, flying flecks of glistening sharpness and all – and when she put it in the garbage can she felt her body pressing down on her like a big wet blanket over her shoulders.
It was time.
She’d felt troubles loom large before her before, but the TablietteTM on her table shrank as she approached it, becoming smaller and denser and sleeker and impossible to detect or dislodge, like the ticks she’d used to find on her legs after field work. It slid invitingly into her palm and she felt the ethereal tickle of every hair on both her arms standing on end with gooseflesh-shivers. The screen was already up and waiting; the vibration of her footfalls brought it out of sleep mode.
“Unlock,” she told it.
“Hello!” it said brightly. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Did you want me to Unlock? The Unlock feature is now available for Power Subscribers TM at the cost of only ONE Feature TokenTM a month, two if you want Instinct UnlockTM!”
Alice unlocked it with her finger, then slapped her credit card on its face.
“Tap not registered. Try again?”
She tried again.
“Tap not registered. Try again?”
She tried again.
“Tap not registered. This card has been placed on automated lockdown. Please try another card or call your financial services hotline!”
Alice dug out her other credit card and slapped it on the TablietteTM’s face.
“Thank you!” it said. “It looks like you haven’t purchased a lot of protein recently. Shall I order you groceries? To decline this, please say so now-”
“No,” said Alice.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch tha-”
“No,” said Alice.
“I’m sorry, did you say ‘so’?”
“NO,” said Alice.
“Got it! Groceries ordered.”
Alice sighed and clawed at the base of the machine with her thumb, then waited fifteen seconds for the button to pop up that would let her skip half of the next fifteen seconds of advertising. She could gamble online, it informed her confidently. She could gamble and win BIG savings for her retirement fund and be the envy of everyone else that was stuck mouldering away in an old age home while she was on a cruise fleet. And it was a free risk, because she could just use her health insurance for it. She’d lived this long, why chicken out now when she could put all your cards on the table?
The button popped up. It took her three tries to press it, but she was only forced to listen to the last jingle and the website address.
“Hi! Welcome to your homepage! Would you like to EMAIL or CALENDAR? You can also SHOP or APPS! Say ‘SIManthaTM, help!’ and I’ll help you with whatever you need!”
“SIMantha, disable,” said Alice. Old reflex.
“Sorry, as of update 11 that feature is now available for Power Sublime SubscribersTM only! If you want me to be quiet, you can try muting me for only five minutes a Feature TokenTM! Don’t worry: I can still hear you while muted!”
Alice exhaled heavily.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“Never mind.” Alice thumbed open the browser with one hand. Password required. Damn. She opened her Profile WalletTM and signed in with her government ID, driver’s license, birth certificate, and sworn statement of lacking intent to commit treason, then signed into the WalletLinkTM app, then signed into the browser.
“Sorry, that password is expired. Please enter a new password.”
Alice screamed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”
“Fuck OFF.”
“Wow, pottymouth! Sorry, real-time interaction with adult language is available for Power Sublime Sleek SubscribersTM only, at the low cost of ten Feature TokensTM a minute!”
Alice reset her password, confirmed on her third-and-fourth-party authentication programs (one on her All-Ways-ONTM texter phone, the other the standard voice analysis package attached to her FaceLifeTM calendar, which could not sign out and would phone the police if she uninstalled or damaged it), tried to sign in, was informed her session had timed out, exited her Profile WalletTM, signed into it again, realized she forgot to sink out of WalletLinkTM, signed out and in of it, had her Profile WalletTM session expire again, signed out of everything and made some coffee, then signed back into the wallet, the link, and finally her browser one after another.
The browser froze. Alice made more coffee and added extra sugar.
***
After opening the task manager (cost of three Feature TokensTM) and killing sixteen of the backgrounded processes that tended to accrue in the computer’s limbic system (automated penalties amounting to one hundred twenty-four Feature TokensTM), Alice was able to log into her browser, which let her log into the App CenterTM, which let her install the FinesseShopTM app, which would let her view descriptions and multiple non-thumbnailed images of a product before buying it, as well as a pre-checkout preview of all mandatory pricing addons such as packaging, shipping, processing, tracking, handling, nonmangling, and labelling.
That accomplished, she clicked on the search bar.
“I’m sorry, you’re out of Feature TokensTM! Buy more by saying ‘buy more!’or don’t buy more by saying ‘don’t buy more!’ Alternatively, you can use the totally free AI-powered Imagination SearchTM to look for products nobody’s ever dreamed of, not even you!”
Alice groaned and opened the least-favorite pocket of her purse to shake out a handful of disposable plasticoid USB-STRAWS, thin as hypodermics and as cheap as licorice. The first two snapped in half, the third jammed, the fourth sank home, forcing her browser to switch to a forced fullscreen window of a slow-motion explosion that made the TablietteTM heat her palm like a hot pan on the stove.
“C-rank pull: you now have two Feature TokensTM! Don’t spend them all in one place – spend them EVERYWHERE, on EVERYTHINGTM!”
Alice’s fingers moved across the touchscreen. Button, button, wrong button, backspace, button, button, button, wrong button three times in a row, wrong button instead of backspace, backspace backspace backspace backspace backspace ONCE too many times, button, button, button, button, button, space, autocorrected to the wrong word, enter by mistake, one Feature TokenTM consumed on a search for CARS, autoplaying a forty-five second unskippable advertisement for the Model 5318008 TeslamentationTM.
Alice got up, made certain she was out of coffee, went to the washroom, and screamed again, but into her hands.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”
She turned the tap on full and screamed again. That worked. Then when she was done she washed her hands, marched back into the room, picked up the TablietteTM, pushed in her search one two three four, enter, and jumped as half of her field of vision was filled with perfectly glistening white teeth.
“Enjoying your retinal implants is fine, but enjoying them while using our competitor’s products is a sometimes food! The web design choices of the Greater Amazonian EvilsystemTM including micro-strobing stimuli that are prone to fucky-wuckying-up your GoogleplexTM HiFEyes, and they are hecked out right now! While they reboot, please enjoy this complimentary ten-minute SupraintelligentlyTM-generated personally-tailored Ted MicrochatTM, at NO additional fee or cost beyond your medical maintenance penalty! Judging from your past viewing preferences, this presentation’s key topics will be GRANDCHILDREN and CLEANING TILED FLOORS, and it will presented by YOUR PICTURES OF YOUR DEAD HUSBAND. Thank you, and remember: shop GoogleplexTM AmericasTM, or not at-”
Alice took a deep breath and slammed her head backwards against the top of her coach, producing a faint crunch from the rear of her skull. The beautiful white teeth gurgled away into the blue nothingness that now overfilled her eyes, empty but for simple white text.
system has upsetti’d spaghetti 🙁 plz restart k thx! >_<
Wincing through the pain, she groped blind-thumbed against her touchscreen, stabbing wildly.
“Please confirm purchase.”
Stab.
“Please reconfirm purchase.”
Stab.
“Would you like to sign up for our-”
“Add a personalized custom SupraintelligentlyTM-generated message to-”
“For only $0.99 more-”
“Donate to us and we’ll-”
“Set up a ShopEasyTM profile now and-”
“Enter your email and receive a-”
“Would you like to start your free trial n-”
“Is this the credit card you-”
“Your inputs will be used as training data for-”
Stab stab stab stab stab stab stab stab stab DING
“Your order for 1 Green Floral Happy Birthday, Granddaughter! CardTM and six pounds of ShopCoinTM has been placed and will delivered in one to eighteen business days How’d we do? Please rate our service on a scale of one to five stars!”
Alice watched as the blue screen faded into the primary-coloured logo swirl of her retina’s boot sequence.
“One,” she said.
“Thank you! Remember, all your feedback is information, and the more information we have, the more we can help!”Alice wiped the kitchen counter for the sixth time, watched the glass topple and explode, and felt merciful relief and oncoming anxiety. Well, that was one more thing to do. Well, that was going to be the last thing she’d have a real excuse to do before she did it.
So she tried to live in the moment – aching back, wobbly dustpan, frayed handbrush, flying flecks of glistening sharpness and all – and when she put it in the garbage can she felt her body pressing down on her like a big wet blanket over her shoulders.
It was time.
She’d felt troubles loom large before her before, but the TablietteTM on her table shrank as she approached it, becoming smaller and denser and sleeker and impossible to detect or dislodge, like the ticks she’d used to find on her legs after field work. It slid invitingly into her palm and she felt the ethereal tickle of every hair on both her arms standing on end with gooseflesh-shivers. The screen was already up and waiting; the vibration of her footfalls brought it out of sleep mode.
“Unlock,” she told it.
“Hello!” it said brightly. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Did you want me to Unlock? The Unlock feature is now available for Power Subscribers TM at the cost of only ONE Feature TokenTM a month, two if you want Instinct UnlockTM!”
Alice unlocked it with her finger, then slapped her credit card on its face.
“Tap not registered. Try again?”
She tried again.
“Tap not registered. Try again?”
She tried again.
“Tap not registered. This card has been placed on automated lockdown. Please try another card or call your financial services hotline!”
Alice dug out her other credit card and slapped it on the TablietteTM’s face.
“Thank you!” it said. “It looks like you haven’t purchased a lot of protein recently. Shall I order you groceries? To decline this, please say so now-”
“No,” said Alice.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch tha-”
“No,” said Alice.
“I’m sorry, did you say ‘so’?”
“NO,” said Alice.
“Got it! Groceries ordered.”
Alice sighed and clawed at the base of the machine with her thumb, then waited fifteen seconds for the button to pop up that would let her skip half of the next fifteen seconds of advertising. She could gamble online, it informed her confidently. She could gamble and win BIG savings for her retirement fund and be the envy of everyone else that was stuck mouldering away in an old age home while she was on a cruise fleet. And it was a free risk, because she could just use her health insurance for it. She’d lived this long, why chicken out now when she could put all your cards on the table?
The button popped up. It took her three tries to press it, but she was only forced to listen to the last jingle and the website address.
“Hi! Welcome to your homepage! Would you like to EMAIL or CALENDAR? You can also SHOP or APPS! Say ‘SIManthaTM, help!’ and I’ll help you with whatever you need!”
“SIMantha, disable,” said Alice. Old reflex.
“Sorry, as of update 11 that feature is now available for Power Sublime SubscribersTM only! If you want me to be quiet, you can try muting me for only five minutes a Feature TokenTM! Don’t worry: I can still hear you while muted!”
Alice exhaled heavily.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“Never mind.” Alice thumbed open the browser with one hand. Password required. Damn. She opened her Profile WalletTM and signed in with her government ID, driver’s license, birth certificate, and sworn statement of lacking intent to commit treason, then signed into the WalletLinkTM app, then signed into the browser.
“Sorry, that password is expired. Please enter a new password.”
Alice screamed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”
“Fuck OFF.”
“Wow, pottymouth! Sorry, real-time interaction with adult language is available for Power Sublime Sleek SubscribersTM only, at the low cost of ten Feature TokensTM a minute!”
Alice reset her password, confirmed on her third-and-fourth-party authentication programs (one on her All-Ways-ONTM texter phone, the other the standard voice analysis package attached to her FaceLifeTM calendar, which could not sign out and would phone the police if she uninstalled or damaged it), tried to sign in, was informed her session had timed out, exited her Profile WalletTM, signed into it again, realized she forgot to sink out of WalletLinkTM, signed out and in of it, had her Profile WalletTM session expire again, signed out of everything and made some coffee, then signed back into the wallet, the link, and finally her browser one after another.
The browser froze. Alice made more coffee and added extra sugar.
***
After opening the task manager (cost of three Feature TokensTM) and killing sixteen of the backgrounded processes that tended to accrue in the computer’s limbic system (automated penalties amounting to one hundred twenty-four Feature TokensTM), Alice was able to log into her browser, which let her log into the App CenterTM, which let her install the FinesseShopTM app, which would let her view descriptions and multiple non-thumbnailed images of a product before buying it, as well as a pre-checkout preview of all mandatory pricing addons such as packaging, shipping, processing, tracking, handling, nonmangling, and labelling.
That accomplished, she clicked on the search bar.
“I’m sorry, you’re out of Feature TokensTM! Buy more by saying ‘buy more!’or don’t buy more by saying ‘don’t buy more!’ Alternatively, you can use the totally free AI-powered Imagination SearchTM to look for products nobody’s ever dreamed of, not even you!”
Alice groaned and opened the least-favorite pocket of her purse to shake out a handful of disposable plasticoid USB-STRAWS, thin as hypodermics and as cheap as licorice. The first two snapped in half, the third jammed, the fourth sank home, forcing her browser to switch to a forced fullscreen window of a slow-motion explosion that made the TablietteTM heat her palm like a hot pan on the stove.
“C-rank pull: you now have two Feature TokensTM! Don’t spend them all in one place – spend them EVERYWHERE, on EVERYTHINGTM!”
Alice’s fingers moved across the touchscreen. Button, button, wrong button, backspace, button, button, button, wrong button three times in a row, wrong button instead of backspace, backspace backspace backspace backspace backspace ONCE too many times, button, button, button, button, button, space, autocorrected to the wrong word, enter by mistake, one Feature TokenTM consumed on a search for CARS, autoplaying a forty-five second unskippable advertisement for the Model 5318008 TeslamentationTM.
Alice got up, made certain she was out of coffee, went to the washroom, and screamed again, but into her hands.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that!”
She turned the tap on full and screamed again. That worked. Then when she was done she washed her hands, marched back into the room, picked up the TablietteTM, pushed in her search one two three four, enter, and jumped as half of her field of vision was filled with perfectly glistening white teeth.
“Enjoying your retinal implants is fine, but enjoying them while using our competitor’s products is a sometimes food! The web design choices of the Greater Amazonian EvilsystemTM including micro-strobing stimuli that are prone to fucky-wuckying-up your GoogleplexTM HiFEyes, and they are hecked out right now! While they reboot, please enjoy this complimentary ten-minute SupraintelligentlyTM-generated personally-tailored Ted MicrochatTM, at NO additional fee or cost beyond your medical maintenance penalty! Judging from your past viewing preferences, this presentation’s key topics will be GRANDCHILDREN and CLEANING TILED FLOORS, and it will presented by YOUR PICTURES OF YOUR DEAD HUSBAND. Thank you, and remember: shop GoogleplexTM AmericasTM, or not at-”
Alice took a deep breath and slammed her head backwards against the top of her coach, producing a faint crunch from the rear of her skull. The beautiful white teeth gurgled away into the blue nothingness that now overfilled her eyes, empty but for simple white text.
system has upsetti’d spaghetti 🙁 plz restart k thx! >_<
Wincing through the pain, she groped blind-thumbed against her touchscreen, stabbing wildly.
“Please confirm purchase.”
Stab.
“Please reconfirm purchase.”
Stab.
“Would you like to sign up for our-”
“Add a personalized custom SupraintelligentlyTM-generated message to-”
“For only $0.99 more-”
“Donate to us and we’ll-”
“Set up a ShopEasyTM profile now and-”
“Enter your email and receive a-”
“Would you like to start your free trial n-”
“Is this the credit card you-”
“Your inputs will be used as training data for-”
Stab stab stab stab stab stab stab stab stab DING
“Your order for 1 Green Floral Happy Birthday, Granddaughter! CardTM and six pounds of ShopCoinTM has been placed and will delivered in one to eighteen business days How’d we do? Please rate our service on a scale of one to five stars!”
Alice watched as the blue screen faded into the primary-coloured logo swirl of her retina’s boot sequence.
“One,” she said.
“Thank you! Remember, all your feedback is information, and the more information we have, the more we can help!”