We Are Not Alone: Probe Reports First Alien Life
The controversial ‘half-manned’ mission to Mars has transmitted images and data of what experts consider to be incontrovertible evidence of life elsewhere in the universe. Although not yet formally described named, the internet public has dubbed it ‘the slime mould from Mars’ in spite of a clear lack of physiological similarities. The lifeform, which measures approximately six inches in length, was found growing in a fractionally-melted layer of water sandwich in between a polar glacier and a deep crater basin, where it was extracted by hand by Martian-Man™ Dick Steele – his final mission upon running out of Fun Tube™ rations and radiation sickness pills. Steele, who expired on his company-provided Laughing Exit™ N2O tank after loading the sample trays into the return shuttle, left the world with much to consider in his final words: “I may now die tens of million of miles from home, but I shall do so secure in the knowledge that I did so in the name of scientific inquiry, in the spirit of universal brotherhood, and at a slightly cheaper rate than building a more rugged rover thanks to the genius innovation of my CEO.” While some anonymous sources within NASA dispute the technical, fiscal, and factual accuracy of this claim, all agree on the historical import of the capsule’s soon-approaching landfall. Our nearest peer may be nothing more than a humble slimy paste, but to have found a peer at all is a thing most comforting.
MarsOrBust’s founder & CEO, Secretary of Offense Stu Burke, said that Martian-Man™ Steele had been ‘a pretty hard worker, I guess – almost as hard as me.’
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‘A Matter of Security’: ‘Slime mould from Mars’ studied, seized, jailed
This afternoon the only known lifeform of unearthly origin landed on our little blue marble of a planet, cradled in a steel cabin atop a preserved slice of its own home. It was removed from its transport – a delicate suspension of titanium, aluminium, and carbon nanotubes, and taken into a secure bioresearch facility at an undisclosed location, whereupon it rested for half an hour before the site was raided by SEALION Squad Super, its staff were arrested and sent to the Texan Hole, and the organism was quick-extracted by cargo missile to a second, different undisclosed location. The government of the Ultimate States of the Americas has no official comment, although the President did announce on Facebook that he has: “ordered the enemy illegal alien to be answering TOUGH QUESTIONS!!! no fooling around! no playtime for polly pocket!!”
No comment is available from the bioresearch staff, as once again our reporter on-site has been sent to the Texan Hole themselves. We will continue to monitor the situation in the strongest terms possible.
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SECURITY UPDATE: ALL IS WELL ONCE MORE
At 600 hours this morning the most illegally alien individual/individuated mass ever to exist on this planet entered Americasan territory, where it has been cornered, confined, and questioned. The subject remains mute and uncooperative and enhanced, ultrahanced, code Violet Dubai, and psychopathic-grade interrogation techniques have been approved and unsealed. Within the chambers of our country’s greatest minds and bravest spirits, the gloves have come off.
Some may ask: why are we doing this? They are ignorant and must be both protected and educated: our enemy, like all aliens, is not like us – it has no thoughts, no feelings, no patriotism, and no desire but that shared by all living organisms: to grow and survive. That which would grow and survive inevitably does so at the expense of another, and therefore we must destroy this monstrous thing before it destroys us. If we are to have Mars, it must perish. If it is to have Earth, we must perish. The choice is clear and the sides are even clearer. To this end, the limits of its hideous biology shall be plumbed so that the coming battles will be fought with clear eyes.
Watch and learn,
JOE DIRKE, SECRETARY OF INTERROGATION
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SECURITY UPDATE: THE ROAD AHEAD
The alien’s secrets, slow and unseemly and moist though they be, are yielding themselves up under our tools. The subject refused to talk, so we waterboarded it. It still refused to talk, so we waterboarded it again. This continued for two hundred hours by the end of which it had increased in size from six inches to seven hundred square feet. The people of the Ultimate States of the Americas will not be intimidated: we have only just begun to waterboard. In an effort to curb the alien’s spread, our officers have begun to tear off pieces of the intruder and swallow them whole in front of it to assert primal dominance. It is our understanding that this being does not produce testosterone and so will be driven into Flight Mode at exposure to it. We are rotating shifts of the most muscled, angry, and hungry operators our nation has to offer. As I speak my commanding officer and father is at work, masticating the soft, effete matter of our foe within his glistening and honed bicuspids.
The enemy will falter. It will submit. And we will have it.
Asking the tough questions,
BOB DIRKE, UNDERSECRETARY OF INTERROGATION
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Health & Cleanliness Tips: Foreign Bodies
In the past months, you may have been exposed to hazardous and uncleanly materials spreading morally unhygienic thoughts concerning the present alien-involved battlefield in which you, like all goodcitizens of the USAS, are an ever-ready warrior. Remove them from your mind and replace them with the following knowledge from the Center for Health and Cleanliness!
-Do not speak to anyone you do not know! It is believed the alien is transmitted through the noxious miasma that accompanies opening the mouth to spread unasked-for-ideas. A quiet citizen is a healthy citizen.
-Be ready to help! If you suspect a neighbour is harbouring an alien or is an alien, call the POLice and let them know of antipatriotism! Then lie on the ground with your hands on your head until the noise stops. This will indicate they are done doing their jobs.
-Affirm harder! Do you spend half an hour writing out instructions for how your life will go to align the universe in your favour? Double that to a full 1/24th of your day, and spend it all on the purging of the alien from our soil. If every Americasan goodcitizen can do this, the accumulated force of thought should bleach us clean within the month!
-Speaking of bleach, don’t forget your biannual bleach pump! It’s mandatory for all children and any adults under the age of fifty, so report to your nearest Cleanliness Clinic™ before the 4th of July deadline if you want to stay free!
-If you encounter an alien mass, spread out your arms to look big. This will make it shrink from your pheromones. If that doesn’t work, begin to bite and swallow it. Take a bit outta mars and defy the enemy! They’re spineless!
-If an alien tries to talk to you, don’t! The alien is a known liar! It will say things like ‘my stomach hurts’ or ‘please, help’ or even ‘do you have any antibiotics?’ Run away and scream so you don’t hear them, and remember: the effectiveness of antibiotics was clinically disproven along with all of germ theory in last year’s Supremacy Court decision of Lou Vs Germs.
Keep clean & stay unvacced and we’ll send this beastie screaming back into the luminiferous aether from whence it came before Christmas!
-Jogs Freebert, Surgeon Generalissimo
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USAS Blows Self Up
After a tough year for the country, the Ultimate States of the Americas appears to have successfully and finally blown itself up with the remnants of its nuclear arsenal in a bid to defeat the ‘slime mould from Mars.’ The ‘mould’ (which is not a mould) grows readily in standing water and can cause severe stomach cramps if ingested by humans, treatable with antacids and preventatively not trying to put it in your mouth.
If you encounter this confused visitor to our world and are unable to resist shaking its hand, please wash it thoroughly afterwards – and consider securing a specimen for laboratory examination. We still haven’t named it yet.