It’s going to be a long trip. Not as cold as the alternatives, of course, of course, but you’ll still need to prepare, to plan, to think ahead. To draw up maps and doodle on them and shuffle little markers around the table and make lists. Oh I love lists. I love them so much. Can we make this a list?
Can we?
Can we?
Can we?
Thank you; I knew you’d understand
Preparations To Be Made On An Expedition To The Northeast Pole
-list of lists to be made
-list of reasons to go
-list of foods to pack
-list of problems to prepare for
-list of directions to take
List Of Lists To Be Made
-list of preparations to be made
-list of lists to be made
-list of reasons to go
-list of foods to pack
-list of problems to prepare for
-list of directions to take
List Of Reasons To Go
-nobody’s done it yet
-relatively close-by
-you want to
List Of Foods To Pack
-canned spam
-canned salad
-canned jello
-canned sardines
-canned tongue
-canned pickles
-canned peaches
-can opener
-backup can opener
-emergency backup can opener
-big sharp rock
List Of Problems To Prepare For
-unbergs
-guardian dwelvers
-unextreme temperatures
-syncopation
-suffocation
-consternation
-the hole with the eyes
List Of Directions To Take
Go to the end of the block and take the first left, the first left, the first left, the first left, the first left, the first left, and the second left. Then take the first left back and the second left again, then the third left, the third left, the third left, and the third left. This should scramble your corkscrew enough to pop the membrane and put you in basic syncopation.
You will now need to be at the end of your block. Follow your block forwards until you reach its corner, then bring it with you by dragging your heels – you do NOT want to leave your block. You want to stretch your block with you until it smooths out into everything else. This is important.
The environment may begin to scheme as you proceed, such as trees lurking, animals prevaricating, and/or water slinking. Ignore this. The important part is that you keep moving in a diagonal line – moving straight up or down or side to side will divert you towards the cardinal poles and away from the northeast, which is where you’re aiming. If you want to go to the southwest pole instead, just follow these directions backwards; if you want to go to the southeast pole instead, just follow these directions backwards and inside-out; if you want to go to the northwest pole instead, just play Stan Rogers records backwards and inside-out.
Once you’re far enough, you’ll need to hold your breath since there’s nothing to breathe. Stop and eat before you do this; it’s easier to have full lungs when you have a full stomach. Don’t forget to hold your breath; if you begin to forget, simply don’t and you’ll be okay.
As a result of there being nothing to breathe, there also won’t be anything to transmit hot or cold. You will encounter radically unextreme temperatures. You can deal with this by adjusting your clothing or not. Don’t wear extra layers, don’t apply sunscreen, don’t wear light, breathable fabrics, and don’t wear a hat. Unless you normally would, then do.
After you’ve adjusted to your new uncircumstances you’ll rise above the last remnants of the regular, which should begin to consternate around you into unbergs as you exceed their expectations. Do not fuss or fret; their only power lies in looming. As long as you remain syncopated they cannot obstruct or annihilate you, but as long as you remain unruffled you will not slip from your state. Absolute collection is required for that, which should be very easy as long as you don’t try.
You’ll have skipped all the formal gates and checkpoints but you’re still liable to encounter some personal obstacles. They are NOT dwarves or elves and they AREN’T dwellers or elvers, but they’re something alright. They are guardian dwelvers. They dwelve. They dwelvelop. They dwelvliver. You will have to pass them and you will have to punish them and you will have to thwart them. Do this with your fiercest fists and the can opener and the backup can opener and the emergency backup can opener and the big sharp rock and if you use all of those at once you can almost certain triumph as long as they like the food you brought. They should. They like cans. They like putting things in them. Do not let them put you in a can, no matter how hard they beg or cry.
Having passed the final circumference, you’ll now be inside the pole. The hard part now begins: finding it.
This is where things might begin to seem counterintuitive.
The key is the pole and the pole is the key and the hard part is that you need to get out from inside it. This means you’ll need to leave your basic syncopation WITHOUT abandoning your beat entirely. This is very, very, very, very important. To do this properly reread the very first set of directions, then undo them all, then unread them all. Do NOT turn right; that’s NOT undoing left. If this works correctly (CORRECTLY, not RIGHT) you should be just outside the northeast pole and can take pictures raise flags leave memorial plaques etc etc etc.
If you did all that right, you shouldn’t have met the hole with the eyes. If you didn’t, you did, which means you didn’t did didn’t do that. If you did instead, I’m sorry.
Once you’re done, turn around and walk home. Since you brought your block with you and never left it, it shouldn’t take more than a couple minutes.
Try to forget as much of this afterwards as safely possible or you will become as unsafe as impossible. Put your pictures and souvenirs in a lead-lined box and don’t ever open them again.