“Hello and welcome back to ‘Monster SALES of History TM,’ on the HISTORY channel! We’ve got a fabulous line-up of freshly-cloned monsters for you in the supermarket, but their own crimes are NOTHING compared to the prices they’re going to get if they win this challenge! Watch dictators, strongmen, warlords, generals, and tyrants struggler in the supermarket in history’s GREATEST food fight! Here’s my co-host, Timothy Nutts!”
“Thanks Tiffany. We’ve got all the cameras rigged up: this supermarket is under more surveillance than a Google campus! We won’t have time to show you all the footage, but if you like share and subscribe and SMASH that donation button you can get the opportunity to buy sponsorship tiers that’ll get you access to uncut clips and slo-mo playbacks – heck, at ‘conqueror’ tier you can even add your own custom effects to videos and meme while you stream! Now back to Tiffany Tibbles.”
“Thanks Timothy. Let’s cut back to the action: our shoppers are now ransacking the isles and plundering for prices! How’s Andrew doing?”
“Not so hot, Tiffany. At first we had high hopes for ol’ hickory but it seems ex-president Jackson has dropped out of the contest entirely!”
“Oh no! What an upset, what an overturn. What happened?”
“I’ve received word from the medical team that he was just passing aisle 8, read that it contained ‘Indian food,’ and burst into a screaming breakdown before every blood vessel in his brain exploded at once.”
“Aw, shucks. Well, plenty more fish in the sea, and plenty more monsters looking for MONSTER DEALS! Shall we check in on Josef?”
“The ‘man of steel’ himself! After a commanding early lead, he seems to have gotten bogged down in the produce section. It looks like a momentary stumble over explaining the price tags got his first translator purged by a carrot to the throat, and now we’re on number six, with each replacement afforded less and less time to prove their loyalty and worth!”
“Not a leadership style I’d recommend, Timothy.”
“True, but it worked for decades last time, so I can see why he’s bringing back the old favorites. He’ll have to speed up his purge-pace if he wants to get moving again and overtake Henry!”
“Not so fast! Kissinger’s been disqualified while we were on commercial break.”
“What? Why? How? He was the crowd favourite – and as the most contemporary figure, he was statistically the most likely to understand the relative pricing of goods!”
“Seems he isn’t dead.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“He’s not dead?”
“Not yet.”
“Wow. Looks like only the good die young indeed, eh Tiffany?”
“Well, some would dispute that – such as our next contestant, Mr. Edward Teach, who passed from this world well before his three score and ten were up!”
“Decapitation isn’t usually a natural end to a long life, you’re absolutely right. The Big B-beard himself is still a little shaky on his feet – those land legs must be fresh – but he’s making his way through the fresh fish as we speak. Sushi stumped him but he’s got a fine eye for a fresh catch and the deals are simply….MONSTROUS.”
“Nice title drop, Tim. But that eye twitch I’m seeing on the camera suggests Eddie might have had more than enough fish in his life already. Which will crack first: the competition or his nerves? Let’s find out…. in ten commercial-free minutes!”
“Right you are, Tiff! Maybe even sooner: yet another contestant might forfeit soon! The Khan of Khans is STILL in the starting area making a speech to the cart attendants! Not quite sure what the gameplan is there.”
“Well, Genghis was always good at the bigger picture. What shops harder than one monster? One monster and a horde! But that’s against contest rules, so…”
“Yes, I’m thinking this isn’t looking good. And I note Adolf has left the gate!”
“The wrong way, sadly. He quit.”
“Yes, tragically the writing was on the wall the moment he started yelling on the set. We’ve done our best, folks, but some monsters just won’t cooperate. Especially when they’re convinced everyone around them is a member of a jewish conspiracy plotting against them personally.”
“We’ve actually got quite a diverse selection of beliefs here now that you mention it, Tim – everything from atheism to Christianity to Tengrism! They may agree that the corpses of others are cheap and that no mountain of bodies is too small to fulfill your personal ambitions, but when it comes to matters of faith our monsters are a truly split crowd!”
“Speak of the split, it seems that Blackbeard’s cracked up a bit just now – looking a swordfish in the eye was a step too far from him and he laid about his handlers with the bill until the security team could be called in. His run is over, and every other contestant has disqualified, forfeited, or died! Edward ‘Blackbeard’ Teach is approaching the till and will soon be qualified as History’s Greatest MONSTER SHOPPER!”
“Yes indeed! The card’s been swiped – no pieces of eight needed here, hahahaha.”
“Ha ha ha!”
“Ahaha! He’s putting in his password! Wonder if it’s just eight over and over!”
“Ha ha ha! We already made that joke, Tiffany! Ha ha ha!”
“Shut up it’s APPROVED, yes folks, it’s APPROVED! Now here come the bags!”
“here they come!”
“The bags!”
“Any second now!”
“The bags!”
“They should be right there!”
“The bags!”
“They should’ve been there!”
“Where ARE the bags?”
“Wait wait wait the bags are there but where are the baggers? Where’s the attendants? The staff are gone! Get me eyes on the floor, where are the staff?!”
***
And onward, outside the set, outside the supermarket, past the end of the parking lot, Temujin rolled at the head of a hundred shopping carts, astride each a rogue attendant, a wallet at every hip and ferocity in every heart.
Why constrain yourself to just one store?