Bruce! It’s been ages, how you been man? Me, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine and fit and fighting mad! Yessir, life’s never been better!
Look at these delts! These lats! These quads! This bod!
I got all this and a clean brain too! Why nickles and spit, I’m a new man in every way, a better way, ever since I discovered Dr. Peter Dickenson’s much-meat diet!
Glad you asked! It works like this:
You eat much meat.
And that’s it! One rule, one thumb, one rule of thumb. Simple and pure and perfect. I love it dearly and it loves me, and I love meat and the meat loves me.
You see, humans are carnivorous (male) creatures, and that’s at war with our herbivorous (female) selves, so it’s of material benefit to avoid vegetables in case you get cooties, which will sap and suck away your life essence and leave you feeling dead and drained inside. That’s what gives you cooties: girl stuff. Like vitamins.
Yes, that’s the beauty of it! By eating nothing but raw, filthy meat, all vitamins are avoided! Nutrition is a scam propped up by the decadent elites to keep us all as mutton-brains, the so-called ‘sheeple’ (‘woolly thinking’ means more than it seems, you know)! Scurvy isn’t overcome by cheating with feminine carrots and tawdry Sapphic eggplants; it’s triumphed over by red-toothed red-meat rip-and-tearing masculinity! If your teeth fall out, it’s a sign you’re winning – that’s why I got these dentures. See? See?
No, look up. There. See?
Yes indeed indeed, those are made from REAL high-grade bear teeth! I ordered them from an ad on Dr. Peter Dickenson’s website, and those are trusted providers who provide trustworthy provisions, trustily. Would a doctor lie? And not a wussy doctor who fiddle-faddles around in boring baby fields like ‘biology’ or ‘sociology’ or ‘psychology’ – he has a REAL doctorate: math! Now that’s a MAN’S field. So long as you aren’t counting or adding or subtracting something feminine like bananas or cucumbers. And you aren’t doing algebra. Mixing numbers and letters is witchery and counter-masculinatural. You might as well eat something like….an onion.
I almost ate an onion with my raw liver yesterday: someone snuck it onto my plate. But my keen man-senses detected its malodorous presence (the odour of pure and overwhelming doom and dread) before it reached my tongue – I quivered and drooled and gurgled and hissed manfully before I threw it to the ground and stomped on it. Nobody’s going to use vitamins to confiscate my penis while I’M on the job! I, and of course Dr. Peter Dickenson’s Much Meat diet (trademarked), the one tool guaranteed to order your brain by excising the vaginas from it.
No of course the doctor isn’t sexist. Sounds like you’ve been brainwashed by low-testosterone high-vitamin ‘slut media’ (‘slut media’ is a completely neutral term used to describe the mainstream establishment children’s cartoons encouraging women that it’s okay to be women, and if you think that’s anything other than objective fact you’re obviously projecting). Sounds like you need real meat. Raw meat. Filth-ridden meat.
Of course the meat has to be filthy. The more rancid, the better. Meat from a plate or a box or a bin is pristine, purified. Clean. The REAL world is rotting and putrid, a fallen place of lies and offal, and the manliest thing you can do is chew that world up and spit it back out through your no-no place. Simply choke down the bloodiest rags of meat you can scrape out of the forest, the fields, the office, and chase it with a shot of Dr. Peter Dickenson’s nutrinectar manessence. I bought it on his website because he used math on it to destroy it with facts and logic.
Facts and logic are manly because they destroy, you see. If they don’t destroy, they aren’t manly. The world is, as we have established, rancid and rotten, so anyone creating things in it or adding to it or god forbid working to fix it can only become infested with ‘soul-maggots,’ which will wither up their testicles and make them low-t and vitamin-riddled. But destruction! Devastation! Rampaging shredding crushing thrashing crashing snorting hacking slashing RIPPING EATING GNAWING excuse me sorry I get VERY excited. It’s all this ‘tiger blood’ medicine I buy from Dr. Peter Dickenson’s website – no, no, it’s not a scam, that’s just a name. It’s actually made from tiger scrotum, not blood. Anyways I’m filled with manly vigor and power after I snort it but my thoughts sometimes run away without me AHAH HA HA HA HA HA HA ha.
Speaking of which, I’m holding you up a bit here, sorry for that, I’m just sort of excited to see someone I knew because I need to tell EVERYONE about this it’s AMAZING the way things make sense when a REAL doctor tells you things. For instance, did you know that most ‘domestic’ animals are actually normal ‘wild’ ‘masculine’ animals that have been ‘feminized’ by ‘vitamins’? This is what awaits mankind if we continue to suffer ‘soul-maggots’! Luckily, the solution is plain: we must eat each other until we feel better.
Now stop gurgling now Bruce, you’ve been squirming around awfully hard during all this and I don’t know if you’re listening or just being a fussbudget but either way I’m pretty peeved off and cheesed up with you. Your meat will be a wriggly bucket of twitchy worms just like you, which is good because GOD I’m hungry. But I’ve got to keep eating meat! I ejected forty-feet of ‘soul maggots’ from myself yesterday, which only look sort of like intestines shut up if you’re brainwashed by vitamins and even if shut up they WERE my intestines I ate them right back up so it’s fine shut up shut up shut UP.
STOP GURGLING DAMNIT SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP FACTS AND LOGIC SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT
It is very hard to chew with real high-grade bear teeth.
Oh hey there Becky! Haven’t seen you recently! Wait, don’t run – I just HAVE to tell you about this new diet!