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I confess, I had nothing for this week. I’d flooded you with enough dull definitions and poorly-worded mediations on why people act like they do (dips, mostly) that my essaying juices had run dry, and although I’ve finally managed to start up writing again, the resulting short story is (A) unfinished and (B) twenty pages long as of last count. Ah well, maybe you can take a gander by next week as some sort of two-parter. To fill time, here is a list of animals that will kill you horribly.

The Varied and the Venomous

The following creatures are venomous. Not, it must be noted, poisonous. If you’re poisonous, picking you up or eating you is dangerous. If you’re venomous, you’re shoving your venom into something of your own un-molested will, be it through sting, stab, or bite.

The Box Jellyfish, AKA the “Sea Wasp.”

What is it? A jellyfish. Contrary to its nicknaming, it hurts a lot more than a wasp. Its wispy little tendrils contain the most potent venom of any known animal, and if you casually swim into it facefirst you’ll probably experience more pain than your body’s nerves can possibly comprehend, followed shortly thereafter with death, which would come as a relief if your brain was capable of thinking about anything other than the terrible, terrible pain.

Why has it just killed me horribly? It’s a jellyfish. Technically, it does not even have a brain or central nervous system. Most likely you failed to notice the almost completely transparent little bag of death hovering quietly in the water until you swam into it.

The Brazilian Wandering Spider, AKA “The Banana Spider.”

What is it? The name sort of gives it away, doesn’t it? It’s a highly grouchy and aggressive spider with a leg span that can get up to five inches across that wanders around looking for things to bite with its horrible, horrible jaws and pump full of what may very well be the most toxic spider venom known (honorable mention to the Australian Funnelweb spider and the Sydney Funnelweb in particular, which casually lives within an 100-kilometre bubble that includes Australia’s largest city, for sheer perfection of bad location). Sometimes it sits in bananas. Sometimes those bananas end up in supermarkets. Yes, most of those incidents are quite likely to be urban legends, but it’s worth passing on these stories so you can tell them to your small, gullible children. That’s why you had them, right?

Why has it just killed me horribly? The Brazilian Wandering Spider is a firm proponent of first-strike principles, attacking those rogue humans that may be plotting to unleash Weapons of Mass Despideration upon it and the Brazilian Way. Or if they’re just too close for comfort. You know that one guy, the one who freaks out if anyone stands closer to him than five feet? It’s like him, except instead of talking rudely it bites you and pumps you full of nuerotoxins that prevent you from breathing and make your muscle system go on a conga without permission.

The King Cobra.

What is it? The largest venomous snake on the planet, that’s all. This hefty little charmer averages around twelve feet long and can reach up to eighteen, and can shove a more-than-way-too-much dose of seven mililitres of neurotoxin into your hide before you can say “oh shit.” Its venom is outclassed by its Black Mamba and Taipan cousin-in-laws, among others, but it puts so much of it into whatever it’s bitten that it scarcely matters – one good bite on the trunk can take out an elephant. Interestingly enough, its main food source is other snakes (well, it’ll go for its own kind if they’re smaller and it’s getting pretty peckish), and its genus name – Opiophagus – translates from the Greek as “Snake Eater.”

Why has it just killed me horribly? Given that king cobras are both fairly shy around humans and give ample warning of when they’re feeling pressed with growling hisses and the whole “raise up one-third of massive body to stare at you with enormous hood fully spread” thing, odds are you were an utter moron/very unlucky and cornered it, or you were completely devoid of intelligence and tried to poke it with something. Either way, tough luck.

*SPECIAL GUEST STAR!*

The Komodo Dragon, AKA “The Ora.”

What is it? Why, it’s the world’s largest lizard! Averages about 10 feet and 150ish pounds, can outrun an average human for short bursts, and is capable of killing and devouring water buffalo! And, as of 2009, it’s been verified as venomous, rather than (as previously thought) merely containing a mouthful of viciously fermenting bacteria. The venom leaks out of ducts pocked in between the dragon’s teeth and sinks into the bite victim as it tears at it, ensuring that if it gets away it does so with an onset of horrible, horrible pain, lack of clotting, and muscle paralysis just around the corner. Which seems somewhat like overkill considering the equipment it already has going for it.

Why has it just killed me horribly? Komodo dragons eat anything from birds to entire horses. Humans fall comfortably within that range, although there have only been five fatalities past 1974. Still, this is probably because most people know better than to carelessly tool around near gigantic, flesheating, venomous lizards. Finally, an animal on this list that will genuinely regard you as possible food rather than just a big prick infringing on its personal space.

Hack and Slash

The following animals will bite, claw, or otherwise shred you into a gooey and unrecognizable mess. Likelihood of said mess being eaten varies on a case-to-case basis.

The Great White Shark, AKA various themes on “white” that you can go back and read in the first shark article.

What is it? It’s big (the biggest carnivorous fish on earth at 20 feet or so maximum length), it’s got a whitish underbelly, it’s been demonized to hell and back and made famous worldwide. Ladies and gentlemen, Carcharodon carcharias. Even laser beams mounted on its skull would be hard-pressed to increase the inherent cool factor of this animal. It takes its prey without warning from below, barreling upwards to smash into them like a freight train with teeth.

Why has it just killed me horribly? As has been said previously on this site, ol’ whitey eats marine mammals like seals, sea lions, and dolphins. When you’re carelessly flapping around on the surface in your silly mammalian way, you confuse the crap out of him – what are you supposed to be, some sort of mentally-defective fur seal? So he’ll check you out. Unfortunately, the only way he can do this is to stick you in his mouth, at which point he’ll realise that you’re mostly bone and skin with no yummy nutritious blubber, and probably not worth the space in his gut. So he swims off dejectedly, leaving you with a big set of dejected toothmarks embedded in your stomach. Alternatively, he may decide “the hell with it” and just eat you. This happens more often in Australia, apparently, possibly just because they’re like that. A good way to tell whether a great white shark was actually trying to hunt and kill you or not after an attack is to check your pulse. If you have one, it probably wasn’t really trying.

The Saltwater Crocodile, AKA “Estuarine Crocodile,” “Salties.”

What is it? The largest reptile currently living, pulling it in at an average length of 15 or so feet (for males; females tend to 7-11 feet) and capable of growing somewhere over twenty. It’s built pretty thickly for a crocodile and has occasionally been misnomered as some kind of alligator. Its name reflects its fairly unique tendency to venture casually out into the ocean, and salties used to be fairly common scattered across Southeast Asia and Australia. Hunting’s brought their numbers dangerously low (my goodness, a large predator being overhunted? Colour me shocked and mark this one with the “UNIQUE CASE!!!” sticker), but wherever they’re still common they make entire bodies of water off-limits deadly. Salties attack from the water, lunging out lightning fast and dragging in prey before it has time to blink, let alone struggle. Beyond their terrifyingly powerful bite strength (one of the strongest of any animal), they drag the prey into a series of underwater spins aptly termed “death rolls,” ensuring drowning kills the disoriented victim quickly even if the bite doesn’t. If whatever they’ve just bagged is large they’ll sometimes use continued death rolls to rip swallowable chunks off it, seeing as crocodiles (being lacking in the molar department) can’t chew.

Why has it just killed me horribly? Here it is, simply put: the saltwater crocodile eats almost anything. If it looks like an animal, and looks like it can catch it, it’s food. This includes sharks, smaller crocodiles, kangaroos, humans, monkeys, water buffalo, and just about anything else. And if they attack a dull-sensed, slow, weak, incompetent average human, that’s pretty much it – almost all attacks by adults on humans are fatal.

The Lion, AKA “King of the Beasts.”

What is it? You keep asking that question. It doesn’t get any smarter. Anyways, lions. They have killed people, usually as food, and in some of the more famous cases (the Tasvo maneaters especially) the same lion(s) has killed several hundred or even (reputably) thousand humans. This sort of serial massacre has turned up more than a few times among big cats in general, particularly tigers, which are not getting an entry here because they are too good for the likes of you. Lions, on the other paw, are jerks.

Why has it just killed me horribly? There are a few factors that can make lions that much more likely to sample your scrawny behind. First, you could have stupidly run all their prey out of an area, and they’re hungry. Second, there could be enough humans and domestic herd animals around that you’re suddenly the predominant prey species in the area. Third, the lion could be old, sick, or otherwise too infirm to take down anything quicker and stronger than a slow, weak human. In any of these cases it’s fairly easy for the lion(s) to become reliant on eating humans – not least because it’s so damned easy. Which is harder, a painstaking stalking and ambush of a large, angry buffalo, or barging into a village in the middle of the night and dragging out some poor bastard by his neck? Granted there’s more meat on the buffalo, but there’s thousands and thousands of people clumped up in big groups, no end of targets.

Say Hello to My Big Foot

The following animals will never kill you for food. They may, however, simply run over, roll over, or trample you.

The Elephant.

What is it? For the love of potato chips please tell me that you’re not high. This is the world’s largest land animal, the African Elephant, the genus Loxodonta (we won’t get into the Indian Elephant, Elephas, because it is smaller and less photogenic). Beloved of children, the elephant’s massively muscular trunk can perform actions as gentle as plucking a leaf, or as powerful as knocking down a tree or crushing a human ribcage into little tiny bits. Although given that it weighs five or six tons, this sort of thing is getting unnecessarily fancy when it can simply step on you or smack you with its skull, let alone the gigantic chunks of pretty ivory spears sticking out of its jawline.

Why has it just killed me horribly? Bull elephants are, to put it bluntly, tetchy. And if the elephant is feeling pressured or harassed, or just needs to show you who’s boss, it can get quite a bit more than tetchy. As a bonus, adult male elephants enter a periodic condition known as “musth” (or “must”) during which their testosterone levels are jacked upwards about 60 times higher than normal. That is a seriously roided out elephant. And there’s another fun side effect: glands on an elephant’s head can secrete a substance named temporin during this time, pressing painfully on his eyes, which can’t help his mood. And as a final jolly detail, the temporin, which apparently tastes terrible (want to know how they checked that? Me too), naturally runs down and right into the elephant’s mouth. Yeah, I don’t think we need to ask why they’re dangerous around this time, do we.

The Bison, AKA “Buffalo” if You are a Doofus.

What is it? It is most certainly NOT A BUFFALO. It is a bison, an american bison, and you will CALL IT THAT! It’s also the largest terrestrial animal in North America. So there.

Why has it just killed me horribly? Bison are probably the most inoffensive thing on this list, placed here mainly because we can’t have all entries in this section be African. You’re less likely to be killed by a bison than rammed into – cracked ribs, not crushed skulls, if you get my meaning. Still, Yellowstone has had two bison-related deaths since its founding in 1872, which means that they are as fully qualified for this list as the lions that ate several thousand people. Now stop looking at me like that. Bison seem to take offense easily, sometimes with advance warning, sometimes out of the blue. Usually they’ll ram something and then walk off, but a single headbutt from an animal weighing roughly a ton and six foot five at the shoulder is nothing to sneeze at. This sort of attitude is what you’d expect from animals that evolved expecting to be constantly stalked by wolves. You need to show them predators just outside your field of vision who’s in charge here, stop them from waiting around for signs of weakness.

African Buffalo, AKA “Cape Buffalo,” “Affalo,” “Actually a Goddamned Buffalo.”

What is it? The african buffalo is a freakin’ buffalo. It is not a bison, which are NOT buffalo. Get that straight right now. It’s also one of the most dangerous animals on the continent: surly, aggressive, grumpy, tetchy, belligerant, and all-around crotchety. Of the “big five” big game hunting animals of the Africa of yore, back in the days when wealthy white men would shoot things for the joy of it (lions, leopards, african elephants, buffalo, and either species of rhinoceros), the cape buffalo was considered the most likely to kill you.

Why has it just killed me horribly? Reread the list of adjectives in the fourth sentence of that paragraph above us again.

The Hippopotamus, AKA “Hippo.”

What is it? We’re practically working our way through a children’s animal encyclopedia, I’m giving up on you. Hippos are quite possibly the most human-hazardous animal in Africa, tangled up with the cape buffalo and Nile crocodile (which they hate, probably because they eat hippo calves).

What has it just killed me horribly? Hippos may look twice as goofy as either of their competitors, but are incredibly ill-tempered and are more than willing to kill humans and smash boats simply for getting in their space. They might not be territorial out of water, but stretches of rivers that they claim are Theirs with a capital T and you’d better stay the hell out of there if you know what’s good for you. Even out of water, they’re just too damned tetchy to be safe.

The Maniacal and the Murderous

The following animals will kill you just for the hell of it, often in extremely cruel ways for seemingly arbitrary reasons. Their behaviour is unpredictable and they must be treated with extreme caution.

Humans, AKA “Man,” “Homo sapiens.”

What is it? The most dangerous animal on the planet. Weak and slow on their own, they use group tactics and artificial tools created from their environments to kill almost everything. They have no apparent natural enemies, although some apex predators will perform opportunistic predation upon them. They do so, however, at great personal risk, for retribution is invariably sought. Voraciously territorial, they will claim entire continents with a speed and zeal that army ants would envy, purging and ransacking its ecology for their own benefits.

Why has it just killed me horribly? Who can say? The most terrifying thing about these creatures is their bizarre unpredictability. Some individuals will carelessly kill each other and anything else over almost nothing, while others live to old age without harming anything bigger than an insect. You never know precisely what a human will do, or what will bring it to violence. And the means they use to end their victims can be slow and cruel or mercifully quick. Poisons and projectiles, heavy implements and machinery, there is no apparent end to the creativity of H. sapiens when it comes to lethal violence, especially against its own kind.

So, hope you’ve enjoyed our little slideshow. See you next week.

All original material copyright Jamie Proctor, 2009.

Picture Credits:

• Box Jellyfish: From Great Barrier Reef, at http://www.barrierreefaustralia.com/the-great-barrier-reef/jellyfish.htm.
• Brazillian Wandering Spider: From Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Wandering_spider.jpg, taken by “Techauser” in 2007.
• King Cobra: From Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ophiophagus_hannah_(2).jpg, contributed by Dawson.
• Komodo Dragon: Public domain image from wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Komododragon2.jpg contributed by GambitMG.
• Great White Shark: From Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Shark_and_boat.jpg, taken by Mila Zinkova at Isla Guadalupe, Mexico.
• Saltwater Crocodile: Public domain image from Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Leistenkrokodil.jpg, taken by J. Patrick Fischer in June 2002 in the Adelaide River, Northern Territory, Australia.
• Lion: From Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:P_l_Bleyenberghi.jpg, taken by Apaloosa.
• Elephant: Public domain image from Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:African_Bush_Elephant_Mikumi.jpg, taken by Oliver Wright in 1992 in Mikumi Nation Park, Tanzania.
• American Bison: Public domain image from Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Americanbison.jpg, taken by J. Schmidt, 1977.
• African Buffalo: From Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:African_Buffalo.jpg, taken by Stefan Ehrbar in April 2002.
• Hippopotamus: From Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:HippoJaw.jpg, taken by Aqwis, July 5th 2008.
• Happy Pensioneer: From Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:HappyPensioneer.jpg, uploaded 12 April 2005 on en wikipedia by Nickfraser, copyright holder, with GFDL licence