As of 8:20ish PM today I will be considered one year older and still fairly useless. To commemorate this occasion, I have prepared a list of things that I think are probably awesome. I can’t be sure, but you may find some of these awesome as well.
-Surfing using a fin whale as a board. Alternatively, a fin whale surfing using you as a board.
-A spork that can cut a grown man clean in two with a single blow.
-Volcanoes full of lilies that erupt in showers of flower petals rather than ash. Tragically, the flower petals remain superheated.
-Boats that are made of an alloy of light and sound and painted gravity-coloured.
-Gigantic people that appear harmlessly misunderstood but are secretly plotting to become business executives.
-Mr. Potatoheads that come with potato bugs.
-Sumo matches held inside deep fryers the size of the Skydome.
-A sports stadium that was designed by a man who thought he was drawing up blueprints for a toaster oven.
-A seventy-nine-and-two-eighths-year-old human skeleton that enjoys combining long walks on the beach, vodka, and gunplay.
-A rhinoceros that’s mad as hell and not going to take it any more.
-A patch of chrysanthemums that bud into a diorama of Hitler being kicked in the forebrain.
-Cloning dinosaurs willy-nilly.
-A gold made of solid statue.
-An Olympic sprinter and marathoner brother and sister team that accidentally swap events.
-Using a single stick of gum to blow a bubble bigger than your head while thinking about sex.
-Building a supercomputer from used honeycombs and superconducting material.
-Really big animals that just don’t give a hoot about you except as a snack or back scratching device.
-A dragon that forces villagers to bring it a virgin sacrifice once a month that gets nothing but overweight men in their forties who spend their time trolling webcomic discussion forums.
-Owls that fight crime, or better yet, owls that commit crimes and are then caught and tried by a jury of their peers.
-Court officials who must make it a temporary part of their jobs to track down an expert in bird-based communication.
-People that aren’t afraid to marinade things at random.
-Puppies that grow up to be cyborgs.
-Somersaulting over national landmarks.
-Frisking law enforcement agents for drugs while giving them a stern talking-to.
-Circus cortortionists that train their children from birth to be international assassins.
-Enraged middle-aged tradesmen snapping under the strain and eating entire tractor-trailers in a single chomp.
-A man who’s flipped off every single person he’s ever seen. With both hands.
-Quintuple amputees who live normal, fulfilling lives.
-Angry young cows that terrorize sleepy dairy farming towns in the Midwest.
-Babies that fire dynamite from their mouths when you burp them.
-A hundred-and-fourteen-year-old man that can still perfectly pronounce the name of every dinosaur he memorized when he was six.
-Gigantic doom temples dedicated to peace and true love.
-Deities of Frisbee and lawn darts. One, the other, or both.
-An atrocious amount of casualties and horrifying death inflicted by the power of friendship.
-When someone uses a multi-billion-dollar supercomputer to run a spellcheck on the word “parsnip.” Especially if they’ve spelt it correctly.
-The universe performing a multi-billion year game of charades using trillions of galaxies in order to physically spell out to humanity and every other species of intelligent life that exists that they’re not worth its time.
-Rappelling down the surface of the sun while wearing nothing but a healthy glow of skin cancer.
-Sharks that grow old to a peaceful retirement where they can fondly look back on all the times they appeared on the Discovery Channel.
-Extremely resentful and bitter plates of fish and chips that blame you for all the world’s ills.
-A homeless man that becomes CEO of a multinational corporation by killing each and every one of its managerial staff in unarmed combat.
-Foodstuffs being used as transcontinental weaponry.
-Books written entirely in the genetic information of palm trees.
-Global superpowers that admit that they don’t know what the hell they’re doing, and never have.
-Judges with pronouncedly obvious body language that base their verdicts on rock-paper-scissors against the defendant.
-A closet that eats people based on fashion sense.
-Performing the full stage version of West Side Story on the plume of a geyser.
-Sassy, independent subatomic particles that aren’t afraid to say what’s on their minds being rudely shoved into the Large Hadron Collider and unceremoniously accelerated.
-Giant, heavily-armed, human-piloted robots that spend their time tidying up major cities and filtering the exhaust out of the air.
-Cloning dinosaurs helter-skelter.
-A man with astonishing superpowers who spends most of his time playing mid-1980s video games.
-A dream of a penis being interpreted by a professional as a metaphor for a penis.
-Any tree that deliberately and fatally falls on someone with premeditation.
-The graveyard-pit formed from the rubble of a series of tubes located at the center of the internet, where old memes go to die.
-A man who can snort objects the size of his hand into his nostril that has never contemplated doing drugs.
-Defeating an enraged saltwater crocodile with nothing but dental floss, 2 fluid oz. of urine, and a heart-to-heart, life-changing, one-in-a-million relationship counselling session.
-Cacti that only stand still when somebody’s looking.
-Cats that will walk over to the dying bodies of their owners to meow crankily at them for not having dinner ready.
-A gangsta with an upper-class British accent and camp gay mannerisms.
-A hidden doom fortress located inside a volcano on top of a mountain that is underwater. On the moon.
-Things that don’t make any sense to humans and never will.
-The superpowered result of a forbidden love affair between a sweet potato and an Idaho Russet.
-Something larger than your head that you can, and are actively encouraged to, eat.
-Lethal edged weapons crafted wholly from gelatine. Or gelatine composed entirely of lethal edged weapons.
-Globally-ranged ballistic missiles designed to hug you at over mach 14 before you even know they’re coming.
-A glacier boasting a keen sense of joie de vivre.
Happy birthday to you all.