jamieproctor.ca

I’m sorry to report that I’m still here.  By way of apology, have some things that are awesome.
-Slumping it.
-Willows seizing the winds and launching themselves skywards in a hideous plot for global domination of all that remains landbound.
-Any of the (surprisingly numerous!) tricks, techniques, and know-hows that can be stored entirely inside the human wrist.
-Kronosaurus queenslandicus and its teeth too.
-Quiet superpredators. You know. The discreet ones.
-Sugar-spun, high-mounded densely-wadded bliss. Wrapped around a paper cone for easy handling.
-Alternatively they also have candied cheeriness and that costs way less.
-The facts and the furious.
-Whistling before the graveyard. It gets it out of your system and it doesn’t annoy the residents as much. Really, is a little common courtesy too rare to part with anymore?
-Meeting something with half-force, just in case you need a little extra force later.
-Thrift in bombardment.
-Bombardment for reasons of thrift.
-Really tiny trees.
-Anything that’s ever been sized in terms of breadboxes.
-A rigorous nap following a lazy exercise.
-Rip-snorting.
-But only when done by experts. You can rip your snorts out permanently if you’re careless.
-Survivalist literature professors who know this great little bit of flowing verse with lots of poetic eddas where you can stop and catch a few trout for supper if you’ve got a hook and a bit of string.
-Isolating vim from vigour so we can find out what the hell it is anyways.
-Cloning dinosaurs hanky-panky.
-The intersection of surliness, burliness, and churlishness.
-Physical therapy for crunched numbers that leaves them comfortable with themselves and their bodies.
-Food preparation that involves pummeling.
-Whywolves, whowolves, whenwolves, and howwolves.
-Tocking timebombs.
-That long slow walk up the slippery slope after you go down it. It’s surprisingly relaxing if you zone out and you can completely ignore the weight of the toboggan.
-When the breeze shoots back.
-Volcanoes that spend most of the time rambling ominously.
-Clogged arteries doing a dance. It makes those little wooden clacking sounds against the floor, it’s so cute to watch.
-Well-packed and well-stocked tackle boxes that contain a balanced set of shoves, pushes, and lunges suited to a variety of environments and targets.
-Fungis and fungoils.
-Nothing matters.
-They’re quite harmless as long as you keep them separated from something matters.
-Gnashing of teeth for its own sake with no loud wailing getting in the way for once.
-Organisms that go ‘bloop.’
-Inadvertance.
-Fish that flip around on the shoreline.
-Denticles. They’re like teeth for your skin, why haven’t we tried this yet.
-Recyclable hopes and dreams.
-Dirling whervishes.
-Squamous, eldritch, cyclopean clouds.
-Humankind were never meant to find bunnies in clouds such as these.
-The life acerbic.
-Safe houses for whales to live in.
-With nice windows and carefully-selected krill.
-Warm days with cool breezes.
-And an ice cream bar.
-While walking a puppy.
-And battling a cybernetic chimpanzee.
-Gentle and motherly screaming.
-The parenting instincts of crocodilians.
-Nutrients in unexpected places.
-Ten thousand tons of any given substance.
-Or anything from nine hundred ninety-two thousand to ten thousand and six tons. I’m not that demanding.
-Correct and lavish enunciation of the word ‘euphonium.’
-Stars that twinkle in tandem.
-Thorough wasps.
-Not thorough WASPS though. God no.
-Teddy bears.
-That is to say, anthropomorphized bears that resemble Theodore Roosevelt in both appearance and mannerisms.
-Giants that live in fear of tiny little people getting into their cupboards and infesting their cereal or something or giving them cancer, causing them to buy into a fraudulent alternative healthcare scheme involving spreading useless white powder over their food to drive away the tiny little people.
-The white powder is baking soda.
-Sharks with teething problems.
-A person with teething problems. Specifically, that their teeth are turning into shark teeth.
-A heartwarming family comedy involving a family that gives birth to a small but energetic shark pup instead of a human baby who nevertheless love their offspring and do their best to make her at home in an environment she is ill-adapted to wait a minute this is literally just Stuart Little never mind.
-Stuart Little but with more sharks.
-Boldness going unrewarded.
-Too many books to fill a shelf but just enough to replace the wall.
-Giant fans in creaking, dilapidated genetics facilities in the hearts of obscure rainforests that groan and wheeze when they’re turned on.
-Fifteen pounds of salt on five pounds of food.