Hello, and welcome to Qorvold Qorners Qommunity Questions – where we give you the answers to satisfy your questions, queries, and qonfusion every day! We know adjustment to living in a strictly-voluntary individual-focused qommunity can be a big adventure after spending so long living in the over-perfumed bosom of Big Government and that some spots on the yellow brick road to freedom are especially prone to causing trip-ups, so on today’s Themed Thursday, we’ll be touching on a single topic troubling many of our merry newly-moved-ins, solving several stumpers at a single swoop!
Deer Qorvold Qorners Qommunity Questions,
My name is Stephen Brooges and I moved into town last week to get away from pasteurized milk. Its’ been great so far accept that every time I go for a walk I start hearing jazz music coming from the left side of my mouth and talk radio from the right side of my mouth, then my tongue feels warm and I wake up lying on my side once the sun goes down. Whats’ going on?
-Stephen Brooges, Citizen.
Dear Citizen Brooges,
This is a wonderful example of the sort of little ‘bumpy step’ that can afflict newcomers to our land of the free in their first few months. As most long-term liberty-lovers surely suspect already, you have happened upon the hunting grounds of Doctor Symun’s cybernetic kestrel. The bird is equipped to both transmit and receive radio signals, and she’s worked out that if she hits just the right frequencies she can induce a stroke in any species of rodent that contains sufficient amounts of iron in their tooth enamel, rendering them ‘easy pickings.’ Just your luck, your dental fillings appear to meet the threshold. Luckily, this is easily remedied with a visit to the dentist – Schwartz’s Schmiles is the local specialist in mercury-free all-natural non-artificial colloidal silver fillings, so you can look at this as not a sudden and unbearable living expense, but a generous opportunity to shed your old government-mandated fluoride-ridden microchipped teeth and move on to a brighter, glittering grin! Remember: it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, and more than either to lie rigidly on the ground convulsing!
Yours Freely,
Hurdi Gordi
Dear Hurdi Gordi,
As I ambulated today in my peregrinations, I was burdened on this occasion by my family’s Canis familiar, yclept Cinnamon (against both my habits and my wishes). Preoccupied as was my wont by matters most portentous in matters of past, present, and future, I was torn from the assemblage of mine mind-cathedral at the very keystone of its apse by a greatly indecorous yipping. Upon regaining my eyesight, I found myself holding a snapped leash bedecked with shredded collar, no dog in sight ‘pon the land – no! For lo, aloft she was, legs a-waving, in full song of shock and sorrow as she vanished o’er the treeline and far from my confounded gaze. I seek enlightenment as to the ultimate cause of this troublesome airborne canine so that my wife will let me back in the house.
Urgently,
Ronald T. Millbuick, BSc
Dear Mr. Millbuick,
Enlightenment is yours for the taking this day, and at the mere cost of a subscription to the Qorvold Querulant (archives sold separately). You may not have described poor Cinnamon in detail, but her fate-as-described strongly suggests that she either was a German Shepherd or a mix that somewhat resembled one. Doctor Symun’s cybernetic kestrel ran ‘a-fowl’ of a member of the breed at an early age (search our ‘deep archives’ [sold separately, separately] for details on the incident) and has borne a substantial grudge against the breed ever since. The good news is, this isn’t predatory behaviour – she seeks only to ‘mob’ your dog, and has probably released her after escorting her out of her territory. The usual spot is a small islet in the middle of Lake Qorvold (the one with two saplings, not the one with three rocks) and it should be safe to pick up your dog there after dark when the kestrel shuts down to recharge as long as you stay quiet and low (no powerboats!). For a long-term solution, we recommend trading Cinnamon in on the free market for a better model that will not be abducted by birds. Doctor Symun’s dabbled in the field himself and the ‘Qorvoldian Bald Beagle’ is both popular among local freethinking dog enthusiasts and 87.3% unlikely to be mistaken for a German Shepherd due to its distinctive coloration, pennaceous plumage, and grasping talons.
Yours Freely,
Hurdi Gordi
Dear Mr. Gordi,
Me and my husband moved to Qorvold Qorners to stop Yankee federal death squads from murdering us for being Proud Patriotic Aryan Christians three months back, and it’s been very lovely until two hours ago when my husband went outside to refill our new birdfeeder. There was a thump and a bright flash and when I could see again the birdfeeder, my husband, the sunroom, and my left leg had all been vaporized. I can’t access either of our bank accounts because my Qorvold Qorners financial card/Qommunity ID/passport says I have two legs and a husband. Could you please tell me what happened so it won’t happen again?
Graciously yours,
Mrs. Beverbelle Leefert
PS: I have never asked for a handout in my life and I won’t start now but the LORD spoke to me just a moment ago and said if anyone wants to contribute some money (cash only) to me they would be SAVED praise jesus the christking amen
Dear Mrs Leefert,
The good news is that what happened to you is unlikely to happen again unless you attempt to put up another birdfeeders. Birdfeeders, you see, operate on two levels: on the first they directly feed many species of birds that enjoy seeds or grains, including many common songbirds; while on the second they indirectly feed raptors that prey on those common songbirds, such as American kestrels – including Doctor Symun’s cybernetic kestrel. From your description it seems likely that she analyzed your feeder as a key target and proceeded to launch a ‘decapitation strike’ with several ‘pocket cruise missiles’ (trademarked and patented to Doctor Symun all rights reserved in perpetuity no stealing permitted), ensuring that your birdfeeder, its residents, your husband, your sunroom, and your leg almost certainly had no time to suffer or even register that they were under attack before they were surgically eliminated and the backyard was secure. As a bystander to the attack you are free to proceed on your way unmolested, although you should be aware that your proximity to the initial planned attack may have resulted in you being filed as a ‘person of interest’ in the kestrel’s database, meaning that further activity deemed suspicious could result in a reassessment of your threat level and subsequent barrages. Past records from our ‘sealed subarchives’ (sold separately, separately, separately, secretly) indicate you are unlikely to be in danger as long as you remain more than fifty yards from any and all small songbirds for the remainder of your life.
Yours Freely,
Hurdi Gordi
We at the Querulant hope that the above tips and tricks will bring enlightenment as to this (one of many!) quirk of the qommunity, and that you new citizens may now proceed apace without further hand-holding. Further qomplaints, qommentary, or quarrels regarding Doctor Symun’s cybernetic kestrel can be directed to Doctor Symun’s secret lab in the fortified bunker just outside the town’s south border. Alternatively, messages can be left for him at the mayor’s office, as they are very good friends and he visits regularly for a couple of beers every other weekday ending in y.
Remember to have a great day, walk tall, breathe deep, and stay liberated!
Yours Truly AND Freely AND Proudly,
Hurdi Gordi, Qorvold Qommunity Questions
Hurdi Gordi is a Free Man on the Land, Sea, and Air and bears no relation to the false ‘paper-man’ identity of Gordon Howards that was unbindingly associated with him by the State at birth without permission granted freely. He can be contacted on the Qorvold Qorners intranet at HurdGurdiSTANDSTURDY@qorvold.qet. He cannot be reached by phone due to his sincerely held and scientifically articulated belief that the State can use them to read your brainwave patterns and STEAL your privately-owned thoughts.