The alarm went off and the clipboard was already scratching.
“7 AM, Brian.” Tsk tsk tsk, half cluck and half near-articulated word, scratch scratch scratch, pen on paper. “You fucked up. You could’ve gone to bed earlier. You could’ve woken up earlier. You could’ve gotten some cleaning done. You could’ve gone for a run before work to stay healthy. You’re too old to pretend you’ll stay in shape no matter how you treat yourself”
“Yes,” agree Brian, whose eyes were open and who was sitting up but remained wholly unready to find the alarm.
“You didn’t go to bed until 2 AM because you’re a dumb little kid. Just scrolling away, just reading crap that wouldn’t improve you. You didn’t want tomorrow to start, did you?”
“Yes.”
“Thought you’d get away with it, didn’t you?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s a fuckup squared then because making a mistake you know to avoid is worse than making it because you don’t know better. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go.”
So Brian got out of bed too slowly and made breakfast.
“Cereal? Well well well, looks like someone doesn’t want to put any effort in AND wants to run out of energy before lunch. Eat a piece of fruit at least.”
“I’m not that hungry,” said Brian, chewing each mouthful too many times each.
“That’s because you had an unhealthy snack late last night.” Scratch scratch. “Good going, at this rate we’ll be in double digits before we leave home.”
Brian rinsed the bowl without soap.
Scratch scratch.
***
“Well, you fucked up. Didn’t do that last room carefully enough at ALL.”
Brian took his time with the next set of windows and got all the corners with the broom and the mop. He wiped down the lights and the lightswitches to spotlessness. He desmeared the sink until his reflection was in the taps, wide-eyed and bulging.
“Good job, you just took twice as long as you needed to. If they were paying you for a sixteen-hour shift you’d be right on target.”
Brian sped up. He scrubbed and flushed and sprayed and mopped and wheezed.
“Good job, you just forgot to check the lights. Are you being paid to clean or go home early? And you forgot to take down the slippery surface sign. You should return your paycheck.”
Brian returned to pick up the sign, grabbed it, backed out of the way of oncoming traffic, smiled and nodded and said ‘sorry.’
“You mumbled that. He doesn’t understand what you said and your expression was disconcerting. Good going, his day’s a little worse now.” Scratch scratch scratch. “Hey, stop making that face or the next person to come by will get freaked out.”
Brian stopped making that face. He wiped down tables and vacuumed under desks and emptied trash bins.
“You still don’t know what to do when the fan makes that noise? Jesus, what are you even doing in this job.”
He left a note for the technician.
“Wow, you made it someone else’s problem. Good going. Might as well have lunch now, you’ll need it early since you had cereal for breakfast. Remember?”
Lunch was a sandwich and an apple.
“Jesus, this won’t be nearly enough. You’ll be lucky to fall asleep on the trip home instead of mid-shift.”
Lunch was a sandwich and an apple and a bag of chips from a vending machine.
“Wasting money? Good job. And learn how to make something more impressive than slapping some slices of prepackaged gunk between bread. And you’re five minutes late. Oh, were you looking at your phone again? Right, because you can’t wait for another three hours to read trivia you don’t need coming from idiots you shouldn’t listen to.”
***
Brian was home. His boots were off.
“You fucked up and forgot to buy milk. Guess that means either you try harder with breakfast tomorrow or you don’t get it, isn’t that helpful. What’s dinner? Oh, precooked glop frozen and reheated in the microwave – you can’t muster the patience to use the oven even if you don’t have to cut things?”
“Yep,” said Brian. “Shower time.”
“You should clean the shower. You should’ve cleaned the shower a week ago.”
“Yep.”
The scratching continued throughout the shower, throughout the meal.
“Forgot to get more hot sauce.”
“Yep.”
“Now what? Going to catch up with your friends – you should have more of those – or your family – so they don’t have to do it for you – or maybe read a book? Sign up for a course? Learn something? Talk to anyone?”
“No.”
“Gonna sit on the internet until you’re forced to go to bed again?”
Brian shut his eyes and sighed.
“Ignoring your problems. That’s helpful.”
***
It was 2 AM. Brian turned off his phone and waited for the list.
“Eighty-four-and-a-half. Up from yesterday, but only a little. You even half-ass halfassing.” Tap went the pen, dropped onto the clipboard with weary disgust. “Honestly, I don’t know why I’m still here. You’re wasting my time. You’re wasting your time. Eighty-six-and-a-half. Now, you know the drill.”
Brian looked at the list. Clean, legible, precise. Everything his handwriting wasn’t (item thirty-seven).
He pointed at item fifty-three.
“Oh, when you said ‘thanks’ too loudly at the checkout, ruining the clerk’s day. Classic Brian move. Right.” The brisk sharp rip of a sheet of paper being tugged clear from a pad. “I’ll put it in the eternal loop with the others – make the prompt looking at the supermarket, talking to other people, and just sitting in the dark at 3 AM with your eyes shut. Remember: you can’t trust yourself, which means you can’t trust either of us. Now go to sleep already. Tomorrow’s another day and another chance.”