Business
>Experimental NORPUL Drill Project Discovers Giant Man Wrestling a Snake on a Boat Underground
South African-based oil firm NORPUL’s latest test drilling has uncovered something more unusual than a hoped-for new oil field: a vast river stretching far beneath the surface of the earth containing a giant man wrestling a snake on a boat.
“This isn’t exactly what we were expecting, I’ll admit,” said Tychus Ooley, 52, the company’s CFO. “For one thing the river is water rather than oil, and for another the man and snake both appear to be of unreasonable size. But after the third borehole turned up the same thing, we had to admit that they do both seem to be real and down there, and quite active.”
Whether or not this will placate NORPUL investors hoping for a surprise windfall in the third quarter remains to be seen; for now, everyone’s equally in the dark.
CORRECTION: it has been brought to this publication’s attention that the giant man and snake are not in the dark, as the boat is aflame with radiance.
Opinion
>The Giant Man Wrestling a Snake on a Boat Underground is a Unique Opportunity
I’ve been around the block a few times – in the past decade alone I’ve worn the hats of snake-wrangler, independent surgical supplies contractor, volunteer alderman, homesteader, scholar of the law, author of eighty books, owner of my own publishing house, manufacturer of the world’s only ‘do-it-from-scratch’ printing press, bitcoin rancher, and self-taught AI philosopher – and I think I’m more than qualified to say this: the giant man wrestling a snake on a boat underground has the potential to change everything. He’s not just the past, he’s also the future. We need to invest in him immediately. You can do that by buying as many NORPUL shares as you can like a good little sheep, or you can forge your own path: where there’s one the giant man wrestling a snake on a boat underground, there have to be more – it’s statistically guaranteed. This morning I put out a patent for the world’s first solo-operated giant man wrestling a snake on a boat underground detector, drilling, and excavator. There’s a whole new field of untapped potential beneath our feet, and the government hasn’t yet had a chance to legislate the future out of it. Phone me to learn more.
Broth Allen is an independent business-owner, landlord, political commentator, investment expert and free-thinker who has run for mayor sixteen times.
News
> NORPUL ‘Sun-Road’ Exploration Draws Criticism
Allegations have been made raising concerns that NORPUL’s continued drilling into the ‘Sun-Road’ cavern – the titanic river stretching from one side of the planet to the other containing the giant man wrestling a snake on a boat discovered earlier this year – may be motivated by the desire to acquire the giant man’s possessions, an act several legal experts imply could be construed as illegal under some circumstances.
“It’s clearly his giant, radiant, bejeweled and gilded boat,” said Harvey Foschlorps, 46, professor emeritus of law. “Unless it belongs to the snake. But that seems unlikely. In either case, it’s preowned and not abandoned. Attempting to remove the immense wealth coating it would constitute a crime by any reasonable definition of the term.”
NORPUL’s legal team have issued a comprehensive reply to their critics as of this morning, stating that their intentions within the ‘Sun-Road’ are purely exploratory in nature, advance the cause of science, are motivated by the humanitarian imperative to make sure the giant man is not in physical distress or danger, and are taking place in a realm far below the legal jurisdiction of all nations that rest atop the earth’s crust.
Science
> NORPUL Stocks Soar Following Analysis of ‘Sun-Barque’ Samples
Further analysis of scientific specimens gathered from the subterranean boat inhabited by the giant man wrestling a snake has confirmed that the vessel is not merely coated with gold, but 25-karat gold.
“It turns out there’s a purity beyond one hundred percent,” confirmed Doctor Dwaven Deebles, 39, NORPUL’s chief scientific advisor, “and it’s all down there. Exciting stuff.”
Gold wasn’t the only discovery of merit made.
“The ‘jewels’ coating the boat appear to in fact be self-contained, faceted chunks of plasma whose internal temperature ranges from five to fifteen million Kelvin,” continued Dr. Deebles. “That’s pretty hot!”
When asked for potential applications of a source of extreme heat that violates all known laws of thermodynamics and physics, Dr. Deebles halted the interview pending consultation with NORPUL’s board of directors.
Opinion
>The Giant Man Wrestling a Snake on a Boat Underground is a Parasite Upon the Greater Wealth of Humanity
Gold is the king of the metals; the material manifestation of all humanity desires; and the irreplaceable and necessary yardsticks that allows mankind to determine the value of all other things in existence. It’s finite in quantity, and inevitably accumulates in the grasp of those with the wit and skill and greatness to master it. The giant man wrestling a snake on a boat underground has none of those things – he is clearly unconcerned with any worldly matters save his pseudo-solipsistic insistence on serpentine gymnastics – and is selfishly inhibiting the circulation of humanity’s vital essence within the world-spirit of the economy. As he sees his possessions as worthless, we are not required to indulge him in educating him otherwise, quod erat demonstrandum. Any claims of so-called ‘looting’ of his subterranean barge are absurd qua absurd, ipso facto not theft presto.
To those who would argue otherwise, I have but two words: cee lavee.
Ronc Toole is a political independent and the only member of his graduating class with great enough foresight to invest in gold rather than wasting his time on degrees.
Entertainment
> Giant Man Wrestling a Snake on a Boat Underground Gets a Makeover
Ouch! It seems even a multi-millennia-long workout plan doesn’t protect you from the carelessness of strangers – everyone’s favorite multi-story hunk, the giant man wrestling a snake on a boat underground, has been spotted sporting a nasty shiner after a fancy-pants new Barque Retrieval Vehicle swung a little too low today while harvesting and popped him right in the left eyesocket, swelling the poor little thing shut tighter than Harmonica Lippz’s Oscar dress! Still, some people can make anything look good; in our opinion, more purple just highlights his strong cheekbones. And a good thing too, because now it looks like the snake has really wrapped him up good on that side. Stay strong, buddy!
Local Events
>Sun Fails to Rise
Residents in the East Ward today were surprised to see that despite low cloud conditions and minimal light pollution, the sun did not rise, causing consternation among many.
“Frankly, that’s unusual,” said Erst Polt, 73. “I can’t remember the last time that happened, and I can remember quite a bit.”
Others interviewed were less concerned.
“If you ask me, the sun has been lazy for years now,” said Finnicus Mince, 62. “Nobody shows up on time to work anymore, and when they do, they’re rude and don’t listen to you.”
“I’m pretty sure most people think the sun’s supposed to rise every day,” said Troncisco Wisp, 36, “but if you do your own research it checks out. Eclipses and UFOs and chemtrails and stuff happen all the time. I asked ChatGPT and it says the sun’ll come back tomorrow.”
As of noon, the sun remains absent.
Life
>Today’s Horoscopes
Sorry – no horoscope today! There’s a really big snake filling most of the sky right now, so even though there’s no sun and all the stars are (presumably) out we can’t see a danged thing to predict! Instead, we wish all our readers a safe and happy Tuesday – no matter what signs they may fall under!
Business
>NORPUL CEO Announces New ‘rent-a-sun’ Subscription Model
“As the sun is now gone, it falls upon us to provide affordable and high-quality sunshine for all, through the dispersal of the jewels of the sun-barque – once owned by the late giant man wrestling a snake on a boat underground – by the most equitable and fair means available,” announced Florn Gronch, 55, owner and founder of NORPUL. “Bidding will start at noon tomorrow, opening minimum of one trillion.”
When asked what would become of those countries unable to purchase access to sunlight, Mr. Gronch explained that they would perish in the dark due to their phrenological shortcomings, a statement that has been criticized as controversial and potentially unscientific by some experts.
NORPUL stocks are expected to rise tomorrow morning.