Following up on the theme of some weeks back, here we are with a brief contrast and follow-up to my earlier ramblings on things that will kill you horribly. Now let’s try looking at some things that SEEM like they would do that, but actually won’t. Usually. Bear in mind that almost every single form of life on the planet will try to screw you over in some way should you try to mess with it, be it through bite, claw, or smush.
Timber Wolves
Bad hair day.
Not nearly as dangerous as you’d think from all the werewolf legends and so on. You can count unprovoked attacks by non-rabid wild wolves in North America on the fingers of one hand, after that hand has been mangled by a wolf suffering from rabies. Without major habituation, rabies, provocation, rabies, serious injury, rabies, severe starvation, or rabies, they’re usually pretty timid about people, even in groups. Which doesn’t mean that wandering up to apex predators and trying to give them cuddles is any less unsafe and stupid, and would most likely be filed under “provoked attack.” It’s worth noting that North American wolves seem to be more timid than the world average – Russia and India have plenty of wolf attacks recorded right up to the present, and Europe has tons and tons of stories about wolves going for people back in the old days, although you can expect plenty of historical distortion there.
Almost Every Species of Shark Ever
The cutest mindless eating machine ever.
Okay, maybe harmless is pushing it a bit.
440+ different species, ranging from open-ocean fish eaters to reef-dwelling shellfish-scarfers to coastal seal-chompers. And out of all of them, only the Great White, Tiger, Bull, and possibly Oceanic Whitetip make attacking people anything close to a habit. And the rest? Most of them are totally harmless due to specific diets, live so far out of the way that they never meet a human, are tiny, or are all three. The few that are big enough and aggressive enough to make a go at a human….usually don’t. We just aren’t really that palatable as fish food, and we’re large and weird enough that most sharks don’t feel like experimenting. Exceptions can be made for people bleeding all over the place/waving glittery fish-scale like objects/splashing frantically like a wounded fish/carrying around wounded fish/invading a shark’s personal space/trying to poke the shark just to see what happens. In most of these cases the shark will just check the situation out and vanish without ever being seen, or bite you once as a warning/to see exactly what’s going on before realizing its mistake.
Black Bears
Aren't you the cutest little - wait, where's your mother?
When black bears attack someone, they almost always attack with intent to kill. Even with their position as the grizzly’s little brother, the males still average over 200 pounds and 6 foot when standing erect, and unlike us they aren’t relatively scrawny and feeble for their size. So why are they on this list? It’s because they’re shy as hell and, on face-to-face meetings with you, will likely run away farther, faster, and first. The reason most black bear attacks are made with predatory intent is because they almost never attack as a means of defense – running is much higher on their response list. Therefore, a great proportion of black bear attacks will be purely predatory, even though they’re astronomically unlikely to try and attack you for food in the first place. Grizzlies, on the other hand, are touchy louts who react to personal space issues with violence, inflating their recorded attacks. Demean not the noble black bear with tales of this villainy, for he will graciously depart from your presence almost immediately, reacting with alarm to your clumsy ways.*
*Warning: said description does not apply if the bear is starving/old/sick and just trying to eat you/has you directly between her and her cubs/you are trying to feed it/it’s been habituated by constantly eating people’s garbage/are hemming it into a tight corner/are trying to pet it and hug it and love it and name it “Archibald.”
Pythons and Boas
Isn't that the cutest little face? Go on, give him a hug! He loves hugs!
Constrictor snakes tend to be far too small on average to actually take down humans for the most part, and show a general lack of desire to do so in general, preferring rats and so on. To kill an animal, they loop around it really quickly and squeeze tighter against its ribs on each exhalation, constricting until the victim can’t inhale and suffocates. You’re most likely to see someone killed if they’re raising them as pets and get careless while home alone. The Green Anaconda (a type of boa, pictured above) and the Reticulated Python are the two top contenders for size, with the python most likely longer (around 30 feet is the estimated maximum) while the anaconda is probably heavier (around 550 pounds). Both could be considered dangerous enough that you really shouldn’t go near them in the wild, but then again, you probably guessed that. They’re still far, far, far less likely to put a crimp in your day than one of their venomous cousins. Just don’t try to cuddle them. That would be silly.
Going Swimming Less Than Half an Hour After Eating Even After Mother Told You Not to Because You Are a Rebel at Heart.
Unacceptable.
Eating and then partaking in exercise is always uncomfortable. Eating and then swimming will not, however, give you immediate crippling cramps that will plunge you into a watery grave in paroxysms of agony, according to all known records of lifeguarding and such. Because that’s just silly. While we’re at this, your mother lied to you about Santa too. AND the Easter Bunny. Don’t even get me started on the Tooth Fairy.
- Picture Credits:
- Wolf: Public domain image from Wikipedia, taken by Retron in early June 2007 of “Kodiak” in Berkshire, England.
- Port Jackson Shark: Image by Marc Baldwin, http://www.wildlifeonline.me.uk/sharks_rays.html.
- Tortured and maimed image of Basking Shark: Image by Gavin Parsons, torture and maiming via me and Microsoft Paint. http://www.mcsuk.org/marineworld/baskingsharks
- Black Bear cub: Public domain image from Wikipedia.
- Anaconda: http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/enlarge/anaconda_image.html.
- Beijing Olympic Synchronized Swimming Pictrogram: Public domain image from Wikipedia, edited, again, by blah blah blah.