A year older but not done yet. I’m so sorry. Have something else instead.
-Boats too big to stay upright.
-Firm apples.
-Hidden vaults and ancient crypts going undiscovered and unlootedd because they were built to look very very boring.
-Shark bagel bites.
-When Dougs dig.
-The pleasantly cool, dry, and quietly strong sensation of a snake wrapping around your arm before it casually slides into your pants pocket to lift your wallet.
-Warm, friendly crabs that will bring you your slippers and the newspaper when instructed, but out of mutual respect and love rather than learned obedience.
-The impossumbilities of marsupial life.
-Carnivorous apes outside the genus Homo.
-Carnivorous apes outside the genus Homo gently tapping on its windows and asking to come in because it’s very cold outside please open the door.
-Curling dervishes.
-When the moon misses your eye like a big pizza pie. That’s too close.
-Terrible, awful, just inexcusably bad comics.
-Crumpet ramparts
-And the boiling cauldrons of strawberry jam used to defend their ice’d parapets.
-The hot crass buns defending them, not so much.
-Nodding and saying ‘yeah.’
-Bigny rabbits.
-Cloning dinosaurs inside-out
-Shaking your head and saying ‘nah.’
-Grand excavations fuelled by petty concerns.
-Noncurrent weather.
-Psychic mollusks that aren’t squids. Snails, clams, slugs, rudists, anything. Other cephalopods are probably okay, but don’t push it.
-Pretty much anything the archosaurs have done. Even their stuff after the asteroid is good; it just doesn’t get as much attention.
-Fries that have been fried too much for too long and it’s just long enough.
-Good looks that are dynamited rather than chiseled, to save time for everyone.
-Big bucks.
-Either kind, really.
-Apathetic berserkers who reject
-Anything you can make with a refrigerator box, a dark purple marker, a pair of scissors, and five minutes.
-I.e., anything. Everything.
-Frivolous frippery.
-Cats that honk.
-Birds that meow.
-Dogs that can’t bark.
-Structures and infrastructures primarily comprised of skeletons, exoskeletons, or sheds. Waste not, want not, stylin’ hot.
-Energy drunks.
-Squirrels that squabble and squarrel over sqilly sqlights.
-Precooked bean bags. Just slap ‘em in the microwave for a minute thirty of reheating and you’re set.
-Double-barreled sawed-off shucksguns.
-Imagining what the world would be like if the ‘save’ iconography was a different obsolete piece of technology, like a little quill or pen or a wax cylinder from a phonograph or something.
-The unbearable tedium, drudgery, sorrow, and burden of being a cat in a world that doesn’t appreciate that.
-Mid-handedness.
-That guy you can always blame.
-The fine distinction between matzoh, mochi, and macho.
-All those colours you can’t see. They’re pretty neat.
-Songbirds.
-But not wrongbirds. Never, ever wrongbirds.
-Animals talking that you really wouldn’t expect. Everyone knows the talking parrots; nobody’s too shocked about the talking chimpanzee or whale; nobody expects the talking whitetip reef shark, or isopod, or
-Evil plans driven by cautious, intelligent, well-planned, and
-Any kind of rain that isn’t rain.
-Particularly if they overlap with each other.
-The descriptive quality of the word ‘meatball.’
-The diaphanous and flimsy garments known as windmenders.
-Nefarious clutches.
-Blasts. The flavour kind is good, but others have their place.
-Asking if someone is birbin’ hard or hardly Bourbon.
-The crock pot as an instrument of science.
-The Secrets of the Suburbs.
-The Jewelled Skull of Condominia.
-The Lost Coal Plant.
-All available for less than $3.00 apiece from Bantam if you mail in this card.
-The immensely deep and unspoken bond now existing between the name ‘Frank’ and a creature formed from surgically assembled human corpses animated by lightning.
-Mild and fleeting, moderate and concerning, and great and terrible dooms.
-Satisfyingly unexpected truths that still disappoint you a little.
-Food that bites back.
-Backs that bite food.
-Popping bubbles.
-Not as good as sealing bubbles though.
-The sensational ism.
-The missing link between lunks and louts.
-Mapping.
-Coffins for the inanimate.
-Juliet and Romeo. More alphabetically pleasing.
-Dinosaurs in unexpected places.
-Monkey bores.
-They shrink in diameter after the monkeys switch to iron shot from stone; but they remain neat.