Weirdest thing happened at work today, honey. A dungeon erupted beneath the breakroom and swallowed everyone during lunch.
It explains a lot – turns out our furnace breaking last spring wasn’t just from poor maintenance, but also the work of pernicious delving spirits!
Mostly the poor maintenance though.
So it was a real rough time for a bit, because me and Ed and Mary had landed on top of some sort of yawning portal in the earth that led to forgotten secrets and ancient tombs, and there was no way back up since we haven’t had the budget to replace the janitor’s ladder since it broke cleaning the gutters last month. So instead they threw down a bunch of the old football equipment for padding and some knives from the kitchen and told us they’d count it as emergency absences with no penalty as long as we could get back out before the next workday. It was pretty funny!
Well, I say pretty funny. At the time it wasn’t great. Mary landed on my lunch. But then Ed opened the darkened ominous creaking gate that was our only exit and we were swarmed by koblins, so I guess I had to let it go pretty fast. It’s hard to stay hungry when you’re trying to put a butter knife through a screaming biped-shaped coyote-frog-monkey-thingy, you know? Took them down, found a few shiny stones in the heel of the biggest one’s shoe, and we moved on. Mary found a secret passage in the next room that led to a hidden chest filled with old, rusty swords, so that was nice I guess.
Still mad about lunch though. I fucking loved those noodles, honey. After a full overnight of flavour intensification? I was FANTASIZING about them all morning.
Oh right, the swords. There were like, sixteen of them, which turned out okay because the next room we found was some kind of dankened primordial pit that opened up underneath the gymnasium and the volleyball team’s practice had gone long so they were stuck in there with Coach Maple, battling some sort of disintegrating slime-beast. Looked a bit like a dog or a whale but longer and more rotten? Smelled like a dumpster, I tell you what. So me and Mary distracted it while Ed armed the volleyball team and we stabbed it until it stopped moving,, and we found some sort of shield in the disintegrating remains of its torso that shone with eldritch runes, which we gave to Ed because I’ll be honest with you that man was NOT pulling his weight and maybe if he had something to hide behind he’d stop flinching, you know? Maybe he’d learn to stand his ground. Maybe he’d stop caving to the damned parents and ensuring the rest of us got flooded with requests to extend deadlines because my little Sammi got an extension for her math homework so why can’t you do that for history, blah blah bitch bitch blah blah BLAH.
Sorry honey. It’s just. Ugh.
Anyways the only way onward was downward so we descended the foetid staircase into the rotten sump, which was a clear sign that our plumbing was in even worse shape than we’d thought after the furnace died and let the pipes freeze. Remember that? Also there was some kind of primeval inscrutable idol and one of the volleyball players started yelling and screaming and trying to stab the rest of us until we could hold her down for a few minutes; said she saw us all as monstrous horrors! Mary said enough was enough and her and Coach Maple tipped the thing over and kicked it until it fell apart. I saw a glowing pearl that shone like a full moon fall out, so I grabbed that before we moved on.
So the next room was full of skeletons – and listen, honey, when I say ‘skeletons,’ I’m NOT saying ‘human skeletons.’ It looked like a herpetology exhibition down there; Mary said there was everything from iguanas and skinks to komodo dragons, and I’m not sure what kind of crocodile the biggest one was but believe you me it was an ANGRY one. We had numbers on our side though, even after Ed blocked a strike from a big snake and turned him into a rat. Ed is a rat now. It’s a real pity none of us could decipher the runic script on that shield; guess it just does that. So everyone was very surprised and Ed was even more scared of the snake than he’d been before and he wouldn’t stop this godawful SQUEALING and then the crocodile or alligator or whatever grabbed my leg and it hurt a lot and sort of took my attention away from whatever was going on, so I’m not quite sure how we managed to pull that one off. Coach Maple said she hit the snake with a skink. I’m sure I won’t argue with her.
So this next bit was stuff everyone else told me because I fainted from the pain and blood loss of having a skeletal crocodile or alligator or whatever chew on my leg. It seems like we were in a foyer to a sort of arcane laboratory, which was occupied by a crazed wizard? I’d love to know how he got any funding for that, honey, let alone paid. So when we ran in Mary asked for help and he was really mad we’d killed his bodyguards and started throwing lightning bolts at people. Completely inconsiderate. Luckily enough it turns out being up close and personal with an old-fashioned alchemical setup is REALLY bad for your vision, so he didn’t land a single shot before Coach Maple skewered him in the giblets. The hard part was that after that happened there was nobody left to explain his awful shorthand he’d labelled all the potions with, so we had to experiment – Ed got voluntold for it, since he was a rat and maybe a potion would fix that, I don’t know. I really wish we’d had Lani with us; the only thing I remember from chemistry is that fume hoods are important. The wizard didn’t have one, by the way.
Now, I didn’t quite get the full story of how many potions everyone went through or what they all did, but by the time I woke up, here’s what was going on:
My leg was better.
Ed was purple.
Coach Maple was holding a twisted staff formed from the wizard’s spine, I think. It was probably his spine. It looked fresh, okay?
The laboratory had exploded and there was glass everywhere.
Ed was still a rat.
It seemed like we got pretty lucky? Especially since the staff could open the locked back door, which was good. I was pretty done with the dungeon thing and wanted back out, so imagine how happy I was when we stepped out into the sunshine! It just sort of sucked that that the sunlight wasn’t coming from our sun, but a miniature one embedded in the ceiling filled with screaming, burning ghosts and orbited by nine spinning spherical skulls, all of which started chanting malign curses.
I was REALLY not happy, honey. I won’t lie, I swore at work. I swore in front of the kids. Nothing mild either, a full-on no-holds-barred ‘oh for FUCK’S sake.’ Grandma would’ve been proud of me.
So that was just a miserable time. The skulls kept spitting comets at us, and the comets bruised and blistered, and Mary was too short to reach any of them and the first time Coach Maple hit one of them with the staff it screamed loud enough most of us had a little bit of blood come out of our ears and Ed was a rat, so it was just me and the volleyball team. But one of them jumped high enough to grab one of the skulls, then they said ‘it just sort of clicked’ and the next thing we knew they were just absolutely dunking on them, or serving them, or whatever the term is. Skulls flying at skulls being used to smash skulls, everywhere, forever. The sun got spiked by six flying skulls at once and well I think that’s the closest I’ve ever been to a supernova. I hope none of us got radiation exposure; I don’t think the school’ll cover any of that.
Oh, and the dying sun spat out a pearl that blazed like fire. We took that and my old moon-pearl and put one in each eyesocket of Coach Maple’s skull-staff, and then it didn’t really do anything, so we tried touching it to Ed to see if he stopped being a rat. He was still a rat.
We were all dead tired – except the kids, they’d just gotten warmed up – but nobody wanted to try and take a break down there, so we kept pushing on. Some sort of stalagmite forest filled with giant crystal spiders; an endless staircase whose steps kept flying out from underfoot and falling into an infinite abyss; and a crypt with a big smashed-open sarcophagus, ten glistening obelisks, and a pair of slowly-crushing walls.
We lucked out on the last one – it turned out when Coach Maple laid the pearl-eyed skull-staff to rest in the sarcophagus, it telescoped the whole apparatus into the ceiling like an elaborate spiral staircase. Gave me the heebles, but not as badly as the scorched and blackened sword that she took from the tomb to replace it. Ed hated that, but it might have been because he was a rat; he REALLY was jittery after that happened to him, and I mean jittery by Ed standards even. Oh, and the staircase took us up into the school board’s meeting room, which they were very unhappy about until Coach Maple’s eyes shone bright red and her sword caught on fire and she screamed about these being those betrayed her and started stabbing. I think the sword and skull might have belonged to Superintendent Mendez, she sounded like him. The board shed their skins and revealed themselves to be monstrous worm-ghouls but the sword was REALLY on fire so in the end the whole school board was executed by Coach Maple, she got exorcised by Mary pouring six salt shakers from the cafeteria down her face, and we all got to go home early while the fire department investigated the new rooms for fire hazards. The volleyball team didn’t get to keep their swords, which they weren’t happy about, but oh well. I told them I’d ask Coach Maple if they could use them after practice once she comes out of her swoon; they figure it should pass before the week is out since it was only a vengeful wraith and not a malign one.
Anyways it was a long, shitty day, but we all pulled through in the end, the kids are all okay, and there’s no real lasting harm done. Except Ed is a rat now. Do you want to order pizza?