Admonishment of the Bees: takes place after the first honey harvest of the new year. Celebrant beekeepers trek out next to their hives and stand around casually making observations of the weather and commenting on how they don’t blame them for not trying harder because after all they know they’ve been having trouble and so on and so on. An admonishment is considered a failure if it causes the bees to become actually angry enough to sting the beekeeper, and so as a mark of confidence participants typically do not wear protective gear. Failures are mocked by their peers until the next year.
April Showering: complex series of rites and rituals based around gardeners soaking each other with hoses, sprinklers, water pistols, etc. to ensure a healthy crop of May flowers. Under no circumstances may any equipment used be filled with anything other than water following the ‘tragic shower’ of 1889.
Autumn Solstice: not to be confused with the autumn equinox. Observed only by the most decorated and anal-retentive of astronomers, neopagans, and calendar maniacs. Takes place when the first leaf falls from the first tree to turn red – not orange, red – in a very specific and very secret grove kept under lock and key in Bulgaria.
Blessing of the Beaver: relic of the only permitted holiday in settler Canada from the seventeenth century to the early 20th, on which date all would flock to the nearest Hudson’s Bay Company manager and suck up to him for a bonus. Modern versions permit sucking up to any boss, but the past is honoured in the need to stick your incisors out and make little beaver hissing sounds.
Crunkmas: a celebration of the birth of Jesus Crunk in an old oil tray, in a motor shop in Bethlehem. Gifts of antifreeze, wiper fluid, and various oils are given, and peace and unity amongst all drivers is hoped for. The date is not actually the original birthday of Crunk, but was adopted from a Roman cult of Rev.
Feast of Saint Pip Pip Cheerio: a deeply embarrassing tradition among English boarding schools in which all new students were made to play bagpipes with their noses and recite hymns backwards. Principally kept alive by the wishes of the upperclassmen to share their pain and humiliation with others. Became defunct after the onset of World War 2 caused a nationwide shortage of bagpipes.
Flight of the Snowbirds: Floridian weeklong ceremony honoring the arrival of the first planes of retirees avoiding the onset of winter in more northerly climes. Traditional garments are margaritas. Traditional beverages are more margaritas. Celebrated in Margaritaville.
Fox Guy Night: everyone in town dresses up like a fox (simple masks and red brooms-head tails will do) and chases down Richard Thomson with power tools until the wee hours of the morning when he drops into a faint from fear and exhaustion. Fox Guy Morning follows, which consists of persuading Richard Thomson that he sure had a bad dream while keeping a straight face. Only celebrated in Gumdrop, Massachusetts.
Gront: very very old and almost totally unknown in the modern day, a holiday dating back to pre-Homo, let alone pre-sapiens. Gront is celebrated by showing up unannounced at a relative’s home just before they’re about to eat something, then eating it. Despite nigh-global ignorance of its existence outside the most obscure anthropological circles, it remains widely embraced across the world.
Holly Day: day celebrating the joy of covering surfaces with boughs of holly. Surprisingly little-practiced, though widely recognized by name.
Housepet Day: desperate last-ditch attempt by anonymous government to fit in a federal holiday in March. Mired indefinitely in politics over what its mascot would be: 45% insist on a dog, 45% insist on a cat, and the remaining 10% endorse ferrets or maybe a parakeet.
Listmas: an internet-wide day of praise and glorification of clickbait by the writing of many many listicles. Often takes place in late December or early January, due to the ease of creating lists that are best-of-last-year litanies.
Mallweek: predominately American tradition demarcating the patrolling of the malls in the months before Christmas for drawing up rough inventories, mapping out plans of attack, and debating optimized shopping routes. A dying tradition whose demise has only hastened with the COVID-19 pandemic.
Mamut Morning: the weeklong events following the first mammoth kill of the season, consisting of trying to come up with more and more uses for leftover mammoth (mammoth sandwiches, mammoth stew, mammoth hash, mammoth jerky) before it goes bad. Deprecated due to a worldwide shortage of mammoths.
Maypoles: nobody is quite sure what you’re meant to do with those things but it’s got to be SOMETHING.
Pottage: weeklong canning, pickling, and jamming salting spree during summer, performed only by those over age seventy-and-four. No reason or rationale is known even to its practitioners, making it one of the rare examples of a biologically-driven holiday, or ‘one of those things you just do at that age.’
Rectalbertfest: please don’t intrude on Albert’s privacy.
Spring Solstice: like the Autumn Solstice, but it starts when the first snow shoveller puts down their shovel. And there’s more booze.
St. Porturd’s Day: unusual multi-annual holiday traditionally taking place after every other holiday with alcohol. Rituals include groaning, vomiting, drinking water, and begging higher powers to end your torment. Celebrated anywhere there’s booze, by every folk of every creed that permits booze.
Visitation of the Ice: occurs after the first lasting snowfalls. Participants consume vast quantities of snow and ice until they suffer nigh-hypothermia and near-water poisoning, then hallucinate news from the new year. ‘Yellow Snow’ visions are forbidden.
Ween: On November 1st celebrants (known as Weeners) travel from home to home asking if they’re really going to eat all that leftover Halloween candy by themselves. Wear warm clothing and be prepared for disappointment, ideally by leaving a big bowl of M&Ms at home.
Zoliday: secretive and evil counterpart of any existing holiday that entails everything the holiday does but backwards. Christmas zoliday involves taking presents from people and returning them to their gifters, Easter zoliday involves stuffing eggs inside rabbits, etc. Under no circumstances can a New Years zoliday ever be celebrated. Ever.