Hello.
As you’re aware, the project has run into some unusual difficulties. Since you’ve – repeatedly – stressed since the day you hired me your status as an absolute layman, I thought I’d run you up a little case-by-case guide to what we’ve been doing, to dispel any confusion or frustration you might be experiencing as to the project’s pace and/or cost.
-Porch removal
As you recall, we decided early on that the porch was a lost cause due to severe termite damages, total loss of structural integrity, presence of pests, etc. And we did, in fact, prioritize this. Unfortunately one of the pests in question was a large raccoon – we asked in a vet and his estimate was ~200 pounds – who laughs like an old woman, and every time we approach the porch it laughs at us, everything goes grey, and, according to witnesses, we march down to the pond and try to kill ourselves with our own power tools. It’s not hard to stop with a buddy system, but it’s very difficult to avoid outright, and so we’ve had to do all the rest of the reno work by coming in through the back door. This is less than ideal, and has also exacerbated the problems with the moths.
-Garden clearing
The garden remains a distinct challenge, and as of yet the hedge maze resists removal. I mean this quite literally: it is in a constant state of active resistance, and we’ve had three guys hospitalized by creepers, vines, and in one case an angry, eyeless bear that spat highly venomous blood from its nostrils. We got the wildlife people in to tranquilize it, but its fur seems to be made of wrought iron, so they billed us for a few hundred darts and that’s definitely going to go on the budget.
-Attic insulation
The attic is now fully insulated and the draft problem besetting the second floor should be completely abated. We have, however, received reports from the disposal site that the old insulation we stripped out congealed into a large blob that is currently brooding a large clutch of eggs in the heart of the dump. This has not only resulted in significant legal fees, but has resulted in all disposal operations having to go to an out-of-state landfill under assumed names, which is not only ethically problematic but fiscally damaging. Again, this will be on the budget.
-Living room, study, and kitchen wallpapering
Absolutely no problems here.
-Parlour refurbishment
The parlour is coming along fine, but the moths strongly resent us coming through their living space and have continued to litigate. I don’t know where they got the money but that’s one high-powered lawyer they’ve found and frankly, our legal team is in over their heads. This is precisely the sort of undisclosed information that creates trust issues, and I confess to some disappointment in you for leaving it unmentioned.
-Underservatory renovation
The underservatory itself is complete, but we lost six workers in rapid succession to the euphoric fumes bubbling up through the cracks in its containment sphere – the lining was damaged far beyond original estimates, and to make matters worse the stuff appears to act based on eye contact rather than inhalation or even skin exposure. Also my site manager looked into the eyepiece, had a conversation with something he refuses to describe, and quit. He won’t return my calls either, so the paperwork’s turning into a real hassle.
-Resuscitating my own eviscerated, sacrificed corpse
As you’re doubtlessly aware, a little less than six hours ago I was kidnapped from my bed, dragged into the house through several secret doors of whose existence I was previously ignorant, tied to an altar, chanted at, and sacrificed with a large steak knife. I say ‘doubtlessly aware’ because the lead cultist was unmistakably yourself – yes, you were hooded and cloaked, but I’d recognize the way you scratch at your chin anywhere. This is, I feel, something of a betrayal in the client-contractor relationship, particularly as I had to spend the entire night desperately clawing a way back into my own corpse, which is now only semifunctional at best due to missing all or nearly all of its vital organs and some of the comfort ones. I’m very disappointed and also filled with a murderous undying rage, and so I am compelled to remind you in the strongest terms that this breach of contract will be recompensed through the most aggressive legal means available to me.
Regards,
Erin Nostwell, Morley Renovations.
PS: Also I have already killed and eaten the rest of your family.