This can’t possibly be right.
-Awe-inspiring and wondrous power held by single-celled organisms that don’t know or care about you, where ‘you’ is anything eukaryotic.
-The biggest breadth of breath a beard can bring.
-A hot cup of donut with a nice crisp joe.
-Lawns left to their own devices which grow beyond all sense of proportion.
-An astute Stuart.
-Crime time.
-Dedicated and loving spiders.
-Especially if they bring you your slippers without prompting.
-Evil old men that on the inside are just evil.
-Pigs that are smart enough to turn in their trotters for gallopers.
-Or, as we know them, galoshes.
-The mediocre white shark.
-But not his shitty politics.
-Neo-deconstructivist grumptasia.
-Where there’s a whisk, there’s a way.
-Cynical chain-smoking detectives that retire while they’re still fairly young and inexperienced because of all the lung damage.
-Retro-zeerust.
-Or as it may also be known, tsureez
-Clerks and quarks.
-The place where all those eggshells go.
-Loud wig van beet oven.
-Lost plateaus where ancient forms of life live in prehistoric splendor, as long as those ancient forms of life are really boring and uncharismatic.
-A reuben without a crust.
-Guttural rumblings.
-Which are distinct from, yet closely related to, ‘grumblings.’
-Bigness. The more relative, the better.
-The inability to be choked STUPID WINDPIPE.
-Tisk tocks.
-The oldest story of all: humanity’s eternal quest for meaning and understanding in a unicycle that is indifferent to them.
-Durdling.
-The complicated and sophisticated desktop ecosystems of unread letters and bills, which are slowly perishing as a result of mass email production.
-Kindly clawing.
-Burlap, as long as there are no burrs in it. And that it isn’t on a lap. Actually, forget burlap.
-Understanding between people that although they may appear superficially different, it is their deep-seated awfulness that makes them the same.
-Rugosity.
-The crucial yet understated importance of the distinction between ‘vicious’ and ‘viscous.’
-Things that glow for no good reason.
-The many names and norms of the alpine frog.
-Twuzzlers licorice. I still can’t believe they lost out to that knockoff.
-Meaty molluscs.
-That noise you get when you find one of those old coiled-wire doorstops and give it a good yank.
-The greatest gyration.
-Anklelosaurus, leglosaurus, and kneelosauruses.
-Making a wishbone.
-The ruthless song of the rogue keet.
-Reunification of brush and bush.
-Tickling tyrants.
-A real good solid CRUNCH all caps maybe even bolded. Too big for punctuation, too.
-The depths to which you can sink if you’re properly trained and hold big weights on the way down.
-Ripples. They’re very pretty.
-Reteething.
-Warbling willows.
-Cloning dinosaurs hurdy-gurdy.
-Crumpets, but uncrumpled. It’s tricky to do, but if you use a small enough screwdriver they’re delicious.
-That place down by the coast where all the little jetstreams flow together into the jetriver and drain into the jetgulf.
-Gradual and highly tentative action sequences. Especially if two of the participants bump into each other and stop to apologize.
-Overstuffed bookcases. A lot healthier than overstuffed pets, too. Garfield is not reality.
-An unsensible chuckle.
-An insensible chuckle is pretty good too, but it’s very different and somewhat risky.
-Rap scallions.
-A creative curse that doesn’t fall back on cheap irony.
-Speaking of which, pricy irony.
-Bearing your teeth.
-Hearing about tape from anywhere but Scotland. Share the spotlight a little you hogs.
-The mole as a unit of measurement.
-A little less inspiration and a lot less concentration.
-Wrinkly fruit.
-Idiot wolves howling at the sun like some kind of imbeciles.
-Longer walks on fewer days with less purpose.
-The expulsion of ‘quik’ because you don’t need to save one letter that badly.
-Sure locked homes.
-A small ruckus.
-Counting systems that prefer acids to bases.
-Wrangling anything that’s wriggly.
-Up.
-Down
-All around.
-And a partridge in a decade’s-worth of pear trees.