Make way, make way!
Stand aside! Clear the path!
Make way for the most important, average, humble, righteous, special and relatable man to ever walk this earth!
Make way for John Q. Protagonist!
Step aside please – give us room to breathe, and breathe softer, lighter, less obstructively. We don’t want anyone to get in the way of the point of view. It’s a dot, not a line, and it sits in his pupil. Don’t clutter it, don’t insert yourself, step meekly and be judged as he sees, ‘cause he sees FIT and FINE.
You, you, you and YOU! You are antagonists now! You dislike him for petty reasons, prepare to be put in your place. You – yes you – behind the counter! You are infatuated with his everday charm, his exceptional attractiveness, and will flirt shamelessly on-shift! Not a love interest though, you can stop existing after this. And you…all the rest of whoever you are. You will be our canvas, our backdrop, our stage. Applaud, swoon, dance, sing, sing, sing! Let the world respond to the act that is the actions of he!
Make way for John Q. Protagonist! He’s a busy man, with so many people to be.
He’s everyone that matters, and he isn’t you but maybe he could be! Buy a lottery ticket to your closest theater, bookshop, or video game today! Step up, step up, no need to be shy – claim a few minutes in the sun as the most important man to ever walk, love, laugh, kill, and live.
(for the ladies, Jane Q. Protagonist will be appearing down the road Thursday night, because we care)
Put on the blank face and be amazed at how much it resembles your own from inside your head. Speak words and watch them matter; take action and watch it succeed; spend time and have it matter, oh sweet god matter, each hour filled with action, emotion, and precious sweet honey-suckled angel-kissed god-blessed meaning – and even metaphor.
Make way for John Q. Protagonist; there will never be another like him! There never was another before him; he’s as old as the first story, and always just in the prime of life. A perfect demographic flashpoint; he’s always the majority, but always goes his own way, fearlessly giving them what they desire! What a democratic maverick! A truly independent man of the people! He breaks all the right rules and makes all the right laws; he’s got his finger on the pulse of the universe and tells us its heartbeat with total confidence in that awkwardly charming way of his. What would we do without him?
Hah, as if we’d ever do anything without him.
Make way for John Q. Protagonist; he needs time and space to mend!
His heart’s been broken, his job’s been lost, his best friend shot him in an alley and left him for dead, his mentor disowned him and his dog died. He needs time and space to mourn, but in a way that makes him look good and leaves him emotionally sound yet wiser.
Pour him a drink, give him some advice, give him some space, pick a fight with him and let him get beaten up and tossed out in the alley like so much garbage to prove how much he cares (more than anyone else, nobody else cares). Soothe him, comfort him, tell him harsh truths; whatever it takes to get his mind moving again before the plot stagnates and we all give up.
Just don’t hog the screentime. Remember, this isn’t about you.
Make way for John Q. Protagonist right this second! Roll out the way under his feet and wrap it back up behind him as he goes, because you never had it to begin with. It’s his way or no way, you see – not that you see anything. You think you had a point of view? You think you had a soul? Get real, get lost, get off your high horse. If you were somebody, you’d be anybody, and you’d be John Q. Protagonist. You may challenge him, you may obstruct him, you may even kill him, but you can’t replace him. Without him, nothing matters, and you’re not even nothing.
Make way for John Q. Protagonist! He’s an ordinary guy just like you with a very special set of skills! He’s hopeless at something; maybe even something important. He’s okay at something; maybe even something stupid and useless. Bet you a dollar that both of those things create a satisfying narrative with some intriguing character development. Go on, BET you nameless troglodyte! Bet against the will of the universe – nay, the universe itself!
PIT YOUR WILL AGAINST A WALL AND LOSE.
Make way for John Q. Protagonist, and steel your empty souls, for their fulfillment is at hand. You oppose him in the most fundamental way: you are barriers between him and the conclusion of this story. Maybe you love him, maybe you hate him; maybe you help him up or shove him down, but you’re all there on the page, clotting it up, weighing down the wordcount, shoving your stubby generic bodies between him and that bold-font THE END.
You disgust us. You try our patience. You wear out your welcome. Get going and good riddance.
Make way for John Q. Protagonist – and hurry! He has no time for you, or you, or you, and you, and yours!
There are three sequels and a prequel due by tomorrow, poor bastard, so give him some space and get lost.