Today we’re going to learn about birds.
Birds (kingdom Animalia, phylum Chordata, superclass Tetrapoda, class Aves), are feathered, winged, egg-laying, endothermic organisms that are often capable of flight. They are most commonly found in such environments as pretty forests, honeyed meadows, and soppy children’s books. Men with binoculars chase them around and take pictures of them while trying to hide themselves. This is normal and permissible behavior. It is not permissible for birds to watch back. This can lead to problems. It’s a good thing they can’t take pictures or those problems would be much more severe.
Most birds live on land. Penguins live in the ocean and burrowing owls tunnel beneath the earth’s crust. This led medieval peasants to categorize them as not birds, but dinosaurs.
Birds can see ultraviolet light. This prevents them from squinting, and is how seagulls can tell exactly when you are about to eat something.
Owls are a special type of bird that can spin their head around. The record number of turns an owl has made without stopping is sixty-six. It stopped when it realized it was being watched.
Most people are within 5.6 meters (0.039 imperial miles) of a bird at birth. The average distance between a human and bird at death is 0.
Birds (kingdom Animalia, phylum Chordata, superclass Tetrapoda, class Aves) are relatively large animals, larger than they look. One metric pound of birds can exceed three cubic gallons in volume, and many times that in size, yet this same mass of birds can easily be concealed underneath a simple man’s size eleven winter coat. This is how Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany managed to live out his entire life without anyone noticing that he was made entirely of birds.
Penguins are the only birds incapable of flight – even ostriches can fly, they are just lazy. Penguins cannot fly because they are communists.
The country of Canada is the only known one in which a bird is head of state. Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau was elected in 1970something and has remained a bird ever since, refusing to cease nesting. He can be found roosting in his office, brooding a clutch of papery files. Parliament staff has been unable to remove him due to nipping for over a whole lot of years.
Birds are physically incapable of making any sounds at all. The human brain can’t perceive this, so it makes things up out of background ambience. The noise you think is a bald eagle calling is actually a mouse swearing. The song of the redwing blackbird is the sound of a bulrush growing sped up 1000x. The honk of the Canada goose is produced by stepping in Canada goose feces.
Birds (kingdom Animalia phylum Chordata superclass Tetrapoda class Aves) can hear you think and that is why they laugh at you. You, specifically. At all times when you are alone there is in fact a minimum of one point seven birds behind you. Laughing.
That is a good thing. Birds that stop laughing are much worse.
Birds are actually a kind of dinosaur. If you put a bird underneath a blacklight you can see the dinosaur skeleton all crumpled up inside the bird. Don’t do this or it will eat you.
Flight in birds does not require wingbeats, and actually occurs instantaneously. What you are seeing is merely the ghost of the bird, projected on your own brain. If you see many birds flapping their wings, one of them must’ve passed through your skull en route and everything you’ve ever seen from then on is the hallucinations of your dying brain.
The previous fact about Kaiser Wilhelm II was a lie. There are no such things as winter coats. Or Germany. There was a man named Kaiser Wilhelm II made out of birds though.
Most birds can sleep, but they don’t want to. They make us do it instead.
Birds (kingdom reign phylum be done superclass as they are in class Aves) are worse than us. They are the absolute pits. They are no good at anything and that’s why they’ve made us do anything. We even have to kill them for them, because birds are too lazy to kill themselves. Some people have been made to keep birds in little wire houses so the birds can yell at them all day, and this amuses them.
Birds do not feel pain, fear, love, peppermint, or purple. They can taste mah-jong, smell rivets, and see hatred. There are at least five unique senses for each species of bird and we know less than 0.0001% of all bird species because most of them are invisible.
No bird has ever made war upon bird. All bird-on-bird conflict is endorsed murder. All birds are murderers in heart and mind.
Ten thousand birds die every minute. Only five thousand of them bother to come back; the rest go on to something worse. Sometimes they accumulate inside other organisms, causing the phenomenon known as cancer.
No known animal exceeds birds. For a while it was thought polar bears exceeded birds, but this was disproven. The nearest any animal has come to exceeding birds was the trilobites. They have been taken care of.
The dodo and passenger pigeon were the same animal in different moods. They came back last summer. There is only one so far and that number will increase and you cannot affect it by means of your actions.
Birds (king fly super clash ave) know something and they won’t tell us. They can’t tell us. They have specifically made sure that they can’t tell us and that means they won’t tell us. It’s important and it’s necessary and we’re going to need it. They’re happy about that.
Birds do not cast shadows. Light does avoid them, though.
A mature goshawk will transform into a goose when it dies. A mature goose will transform into a goose farmer. A mature goose farmer will pretend to be a human for up to fifty generations before shedding and growing out pinion feathers. This permits it to breed, and it will not do so.
Neptune is the only known planet that does not contain birds or birdmatter. Pluto too, but the birds took Pluto away and now it isn’t a planet anymore, it isn’t an anything anymore, and we’re stuck with eight planets and only one has no birds. It isn’t enough.
Elephant birds are extinct yet elephants remain. This is not right, this is bad. That isn’t how things are supposed to work. The elephant birds did it on purpose, and now we have elephants without elephant birds. The elephants aren’t supposed to work like that. What’s going to happen now?
Birds (kingfishers fletch swallow crane awk awk awk awk awk).
Each human has four birds assigned to it seventeen decades and three minutes before it is born. The birds decide what’s going to happen to it in the three minutes and spend the seventeen decades seething.
No human who makes itself an enemy of birds lives. This is why everyone dies. This is also why anyone dies horribly.
Plant life does not exist and all plants are actually the legs of very small or very large birds. Bird legs burn very well and they don’t mind being set on fire.
Gravity is much weaker than it appears, and the only reason all creatures cannot fly is that birds have decided that is how it will work.
Most places are birds. The smallest known bird is Kansas. The largest is Sol. Some scientists have proposed that the entire Milky Way is in fact a bird but they stopped talking and went to live in tiny apartments without windows so we’ll never know what they knew.
Robins were mammals up until the 1980s. Birds had replaced them entirely by June, 1998. The last mammalian robin in the world died in captivity in Tasmania’s Hobart Zoo, 1936.
If all the birds in the world were placed end-to-end they’d wrap around the planet and throttle it to death. They haven’t done this but we don’t know why or how.
Don’t let the birds see that I told you this. They already know it.