Good evening. I’m Joey Fishlips and this is OMG’s Not Really News: all the news that’s not even worth denying. Weekends at nine-seventy, weekdays at eleventeen.
Big news tonight: Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper most certainly did not go down upon hands and knees in front of US President Barack Obama and ask for permission to bear his children. Barack Obama, who was not asked this question, definitely did not graciously allow this humble request. How this did not affect the deepening relationship between these two countries is yet to be seen.
On a more tragic note, a local man shockingly didn’t acquire a high-pressured, military-grade, pump-action water gun and failed to use it to drill neat, pressurized holes through the noggins of more than forty bystanders of varying degrees of innocence. Military experts could’ve announced to members of the press that this design was leaked from a black-budget super soaker development project, but they didn’t because it never existed. The man, who definitely did not snap as a result of long-term abuse by his nagging spouse and hateful parents, wasn’t brought down by a crack team of Navy SEALS armed with peanut butter and raw hatred.
Speaking of raw hatred, today in the middle north-south-west a man who was not reported as “a-fightin’-and-a-feudin’” with his neighbours did not mistakenly serve them cooked hatred as part of his revenge. Embarrassment hadn’t only just died down at this gaffe when the guests realized that he had served them the revenge piping hot and fresh from the stove, rather than cooled gently to allow the flavour to mature. The botched meal has caused bad relations to break down and the feud is in real danger of being laughed off as a bunch of bad memories. Or it would be, if any of this was actually happening.
Better news from abroad, however. This afternoon, just after you finished eating that snack, northern France did not spontaneously rearrange itself into a giant robot and fly into outer space, proclaiming in a thunderous voice that could be heard clear to Hong Kong that it was going to battle Pluto “in the soul of the galaxy, amidst the god-light of the stars.” This somewhat drastic and melodramatic confrontation wasn’t allegedly motivated by Pluto’s plotting to destroy earth in retaliation for having its planet status revoked. When asked about the incident, the remainder of France maintained that it had no comment. British citizens, some of whom were close enough to see the entirety of France’s north coast remove itself from the Earth and assemble into a large portion of the colossi’s upper torso, stated under questioning that the whole thing, had it happened, would’ve looked “pretty damned bizarre.”
In technology, we have a new and startling development: the internet has declared itself an independent global superpower, free from the rest of physical world and untouched by national borders. Ambassador Newton Ferguson (aka cybercitizen “Captan Sandwich”) claims that this “has been coming for years” and that the only real reason for delay was the debate over an official capital, which was finally allotted to Google in a close vote, with Hustler.com coming in a close second. Added Ambassador Newton: “lol, stuipd newbies. lrn2cyber.” Frankly, I’m as glad as you are that this didn’t happen.
An important medical news update! Boston scientists have not discovered how to cure cancer of the elbow, a crippling and tragic condition that can lead to achy joints, reddened skin on the arm, and terrible, prolonged, agonizing death. The head of the globally funded Rubbing Elbows foundation project, Dr. Albert Albertson, PhD, states that the team’s top scientists are “completely stumped” and that figuring out the way to stop this cancer is “really a whole lot of work.” Early routes into a cure that seemed promising, such as miniaturizing leatherback sea turtles to swim the human bloodstream and scoff down cancerous cells as happily as they would jellyfish, or training burly personal trainers to “beat out the sickness” with titanium paddles, have been found woefully inadequate. “It’s like, so unfair,” says Albertson, who is as nonexistent as his research and research topic. “I really thought we were on to something when we tried injecting raw turkey eggs into the jugulars of the patients, but it turns out the entry holes needed for the shells just let them bleed to death. Stupid frail human bodies, always cockblocking my genius!”
On the lighter and sunnier side of health care, local teens today would’ve held a “vandalize for AIDS research” fundraiser if they were likable, well-adjusted people and not evil little punks. “You get to do something you love, and it’s for a good cause,” organizer Dan “Leadpipe” Strabinski would’ve said, as he used the implement of his name to beat an innocent neighbour’s mailbox to plasticized tatters. “And it’s only five bucks per hour of free-range destruction,” he added encouragingly, etching his tag onto the rubble with a single well-practiced shake of a spray-paint can.
A Hollywood special report: Matt Damon and Naomi Watts have recently not appeared on Oprah simultaneously to announce that they were not abducted by aliens that resembled elderly little Malaysian men in expensive suits, who then didn’t proceed to shave their heads with a ceremonial broken 1950s-era glass cola bottle. The aliens, claimed the two, then requested that they make out on camera, so that they could open a pay-per-view site. Upon refusing this request, they were punished by being repeatedly and insistently poked in the gut despite continued and polite requests for the extraterrestrials to “cut it out.” Finally, upon realizing that the two celebrities really were being serious with them, the ETs rudely ejected them from a height of several dozen feet over the Hudson river, forcing them to hitchhike their way back to Los Angeles, where they promptly got a studio deal to turn the trip into a heartwarming family film. The movie, backed by Disney and tentatively titled as “Pimp My Saucer” will begin production in August.
A final news item for tonight: a special bulletin has been announced, as a fresh outburst of violence shook the middle east. It appears Israel and Iraq simultaneously ran out of internal conflicts around lunchtime, and in a fit of pique the two countries charged at one another (trampling Jordan in the process) and began to beat each other to a pulp. Syria and Egypt have asked them to “cut it the hell out,” but at the moment the fight is still flying strong, with Israel having bloodied Iraq’s nose at the cost of a split lip just five minutes ago. Personally, I’ve got a fifty riding on Israel, and advise any of you viewers out there who think otherwise to put your money where your mouth is.
And that’s OMG’s Not Really News. None of this, may I remind you, actually happened, because you’ve chosen to make our world an incredibly tedious and dull slog. I’m Joey Fishlips; fuck you and goodnight.