A Little Chicken
Edible, but will give you heart palpitations all night long.
Blackbird Pie
The appeal of this dish depends entirely upon your tolerance for dinner music.
Cried Wolf
If you really must eat wolf, at least eat it properly prepared. Cried wolf is practically raw, and not worth paying any attention to.
Englishman Bread
Made from Englishmen bones, not by Englishmen hands. Gritty, chalky, tasteless and hard on the gut. Only recommended for those who detest the British, so 50/50 odds you’ll enjoy this.
Frog Legs
If you touch your lips to them there is a small but not absent chance they will transform into the legs of a prince, which will be much less hygienic. Do not consume.
Gingerbread Cottage
Typically inhabited by cannibalistic and powerfully magical octogenarians. And will give you cavities.
Gingerbread Man
Much safer than the gingerbread cottage, but almost impossible to get a hold of.
Golden Eggs
Not actually edible, but can be exchanged for money which can be traded for food itself so you shou
Golden Goose
oh for fuck’s sake you IDIOT
Little Red Hen
Edible, if a trifle over-indulgent and smug. Best enjoyed with a loaf of nice fresh bread.
Magic Beans
Gives you terrible wind, but delicious. Unfortunately they will also grow a skyscraper-sized beanstalk out of your gut.
Monkey’s Paw
You’ll wish you hadn’t.
One Entire Grandmother
If you need to be told why this isn’t acceptable there’s something wrong with you.
Pea From a Princess’s Mattress
It looks small and theoretically it’s nourishing, but it sits in your stomach like a bowling ball. Not only will you be up tossing and turning all night, unable to sleep, you’ll probably end up with an impacted colon to boot.
Poisoned Apple
This is actually almost safe, provided you only eat the white half. The red half of the apple puts you into a deathlike coma unless you spit it out, and since few bother to perform the Heimlich maneuver on a corpse, you run the risk of getting buried alive, cremated, or stuffed into a glass casket before anyone notices what’s up.
Porridge That is Too Cold
It’s too cold.
Porridge That is Too Hot
It’s too hot.
Porridge That is Just Right
This one tastes okay, but may lead to you being eaten by bears.
Pumpkin Carriage
Tastes like road mud, mice, and someone’s ass. Avoid at all costs.
Roc Eggs
By the time you’ve managed to crack the shell – which will probably take six months, with a full demolition crew – they’ll have hatched on their own. Which is bad, because they’ll be hungry.
Stone Soup
Surprisingly good! Just remember to add the water, marrow, stock, potato, carrot, leeks, onion, garlic, chicken, tomato, beef, and a splash of wine to impart a bit of flavour and body to the stone.
Swan Maiden
Have you ever tried to fight a swan? Don’t try. Don’t even ask. Just don’t.
Three Little Pigs
Be reasonable: nobody can eat that much, ‘little’ or not.
Tortoise With Hare
The tortoise is excellent so long as you don’t eat it too fast. Don’t bother with the hare: it’ll put you to sleep.
Trails of Breadcrumbs
Will inevitably be eaten by birds, leaving you to starve to death in the middle of the woods.
Wishing Fish
Yes, the fish is not actually magical beyond being able to speak lies. Yes, it will never actually grant you the wish it promises you for releasing it. Yes, it will laugh hurtfully at you for falling for its bullshit every time it leaves. But you don’t want to eat it. Its ability to talk doesn’t fade with ingestion, and it will sob pitifully the entire time.