Storytime: Wren.

September 24th, 2025

The car stopped with a wet squelch six minutes away from the docks, no house in sight.

“There he is,” said Curtis, pointing with a quick jut of his chin.

“Sorry?” The third thing Sue had said to him after ‘hello’ and ‘sure, let me get my bag,’ and it was an apology. Overconfidence was an unattractive thing in a student, but neither was anxiety. Oh well, too late now. One word too late now. One word and a flight and a ferry and a three minute car ride too late now.

Then part of the marsh raised itself higher to look at them through the drizzle, chewing, and like a reflex she started a checklist like she was looking through a reference book again the night before an exam.

Long, shaggy coat of feathers. Broad, thick bill. Short, monoclawed front limbs, useless for flight. Consumption of both water and land plants. Six feet tall at the shoulder. Either the shorewalker wren or Nicollette’s wren. The pale nictating membrane fluttering over his eyes as he watched them suggested Nicollette’s wren. Anyways, the shorewalker wren was extinct.

The membrane slid away clean again, white peeling off the deep-red like bone from muscles. The beak never stopped moving, internal shearing structures slicing up cellulose and fiber with an efficiency a blender manufacturer would weep at.

“Can we get out? My camera is waterproof.”

“You don’t want to. It’s four pm.”

“Oh?”
Curtis took his foot off the brakes by way of answering. The car lurched onwards with a little spittle of gravel, tiny splashes landing in the puddles on the road.

Sue turned in her seat to watch the last living Nicollette’s wren until they went around a bend. He didn’t return the favour, already face-deep in a fresh shrub.

***

The apartment was small and cramped and felt damper than the air outside somehow, but the couch was the kind where the lumps didn’t prevent it from being soft and there were reams of notes, volumes of notes, binders of notes, and she was on the same island as the last living Nicollette’s wren, and all of those things combined made up for the fact that Curtis still hadn’t spoken more words to her in person than he’d written in their three preliminary emails, two of which were single-sentence confirmations of time and date.

Still, some people were like that, and the sort of person who’d spend thirty years studying the same animal – the same INDIVIDUAL animal – was probably the most like that of all. Just a hermit, that’s all, a hermit alone in his cave with his notebooks and his journals and an apparently endless supply of cheap oversteeped tea.

“You need it during winter,” he told her as she sorted through her sixth bookcase. “Can’t keep out the damp, but it’ll do for the chill.”

“Thanks.”

A grunt.

The mention of the damp reminds her of something she noticed in the first few volumes, the oldest and most yellowed collections. “Have you digitized this?”
“Not worth the trouble. If you want to, more power to you.”

“I mean, I can definitely start making a dent in the oldest stuff and I don’t mind long hours, but with the timeline we’ve got I don’t know if I can get it all and keep the fieldwork going at the same-”

He laughed at that, and it almost made her flinch – it was humorless, but entirely unaffected and unplanned for, an involuntary cough created by a tickle of bleakness in the lungs. “Oh, it’ll be easy, you’ll see. Dead easy. Do the first journal and you won’t need to do the rest.” He dropped his mug in the sink with unnecessary and unnoticed force, and left for the bedroom without bothering to raise his voice or speak over his shoulder. “Hell, do the first journal and you won’t need the fieldwork. You’ll see.”

Sue sat there, one hand clutching a cheap notebook older than she was. The cover was loose. The ink was faded. It was still legible

So in lieu of thinking she got out her laptop and started typing.

Five minutes later, in lieu of pretending to be useful she fell asleep on the couch.

***

Curtis drove her out in the morning after a breakfast of granola bars (hers) and resteeped tea (his), parking the car on the elbow of the road.

“Here you are,” he said. The wipers were waving like little signal flags, powerless against the fog smearing the windshield into illegibility from the inside out.

“You’re not coming?”

“Don’t need to.”

“Is there anything I need to know?”
“You know not to get under its feet, right?”

Of the two things most people who’d heard of Nicollette’s wren knew about them, the (admittedly spectacular) outcome of what Dr. Vanard had termed the ‘trample reflex’ was probably one of them. “Yes.”

“Good. See you in the evening. It’s in the grove over there. Town’s back that-away if you need beer.”

The door slammed. The car groaned. The tires gave Sue a light shower. And, with the realization that she had never been given a phone number, she was alone.

Well. Not quite. Crunching came from the trees, distant and with woodier undertones than the gravel under her shoes. Twigs snapped under feet the size of snowshoes.

She ran. Then she walked. Then she snuck. Then, at last, she stopped and stared.

The last living Nicollette’s wren stood waist-deep in the understory, eating like a patient man submerged in an all-you-can-eat buffet. Snip, snip, snap goes the beak; chop chop crunch goes the mouth; gulp, and on to the next-best mouthful that you’ve spotted while you were busy with the last one.

Sue put her fist in her mouth and screamed a little inside her head, teeth in her knuckles keeping her respectably quiet. Something must have leaked anyways; the wren turned his head and looked directly at her.

She didn’t hold her breath, but that was because she spontaneously hiccupped instead.

His gaze held hers, then slid from her to the next branch. His mouth opened, his mouth shut. Crunch.

Sue sighed. Humans had lived on the island for centuries. The wren had been watched by surreptitious biologists in the bushes for years even before Curtis Brock had begun his career. She was probably making him as anxious as atmospheric oxygen, or leaves on greens, or (she twitched and slapped at her neck) mosquitos.

Not that he ever had much occasion to care about mosquitos, with a coat like that. Thick feather-shag-rug, shedding water off his back and down to the forest floor, presenting a stout barrier to heat, cold, and

Slap. “Fuck!”
biting insects.

No bites from anything else besides humans, though. The biggest predators on the islands before the first ships had been monitor lizards, the biggest of which were extinct now, and even at their largest they’d almost certainly never have risked tangling with an adult, preferring instead to make off with juveniles, hatchlings, and eggs.

Then had come humans, with rats and dogs and pigs. Now there were barely any monitors. No more juveniles, no more hatchlings. No more eggs.

In the extensive historical literature covering Nicollette’s wren was a lengthy letter by a mayor describing the taste of their eggs. “Disappointingly mediocre, despite their prodigious size,” apparently. Sue had been overcome by the desire to punch that long-dead correspondent at the time. Sometimes that urge resurfaced, like right now, watching the shaggy bison of an animal crunch his way through the thicket as serene and untroubled as a newly-crowned prince. It made the fresh red tooth-chewed dents on her knuckles itch.

Another crunch, a crack, and then he was up and moving, legs too big to be real for the small noise he made, drifting through the trees at a speed that left her half-jogging to keep up, stopping and starting as he did to inspect overturned logs for moss, to crunch up a delicious succulent, to sniff at an abandoned rat’s nest. She followed him deeper into the thickets, where she nearly lost a boot to a truculent boglet (part of the marsh she’d seen him wallowing in that first evening, if she was any judge); she followed him into the light open air of a fallowed field (nobody was there to ask permission, which she felt guilty about until she remembered the sum total of advice Curtis had given her) and saw him prowl and poke among the weeds for still-soft young prickle-stemmed plants; she followed him until the woods grew thick again and then dropped away and she almost ran into him, bent double at the edge of a deep, fern-ringed pool.

The noise he made as he drank was indescribable. Sue tried anyways, for her notes. ‘Drunken cat purring through a tuba and its own saliva’ was her third draft before she gave up and moved on to more important matters, like things she’d actually been trained to do.

Environmental observations. Well, she’d found his favorite watering hole; even through the steady flow of what must have been a half-week of solid drizzle over the muddy water’s edge, she saw more gigantic, deep, three-toed footprints than just this visit alone could have left. The wren was a regular here. The foliage at the water’s edge was surprisingly sparse, as if regularly pruned by someone with a pair of giant shears, possibly attached to their face. And if the small splash she just heard meant anything, there was a healthy population of local fish, which.

Splik, splik, splik splik-splik-splash.

“That’s how you do it!”

“Showoff.”

“Loser.”

Oh. If that small SERIES of splashes she just heard meant anything, this was where some of the local kids came to skip rocks. Something the wren seemed as implacable about as he was her own presence. She wondered how many of the two-or-three-ish vaguely adolescent blobs had parents who’d grown up doing just this, or grandparents. She wondered who the last person in town had been who’d known a world where for absolute certain there was more than one Nicollette’s wren, and then she wondered if she had something more useful and less depressing to think about, and by then the wren had turned himself about, head tucked back into his neck tucked back into his great hummock of a back tucked into a giant shaggy ball, and had begun to snore with great and majestic sonorousness.

She watched him until the sun went down, then walked in increasingly large circles tripping over things until she saw headlights. Curtis was waiting for her.

“How’d you know where to find me?” she asked.

“Easy,” he told her. He popped the car out of park before she had a chance to put her seatbelt on. “Read the first journal.”

***

Sue was too busy trying and failing to find a way to reformat her notes to get around to the first journal that evening. Curtis drank three mugs of tea for dinner, two teabags a mug, then went to bed without saying a word. She fell asleep on her notes and woke up feeling worse than he did, although probably not looking it. Breakfast was twice as many granola bars as yesterday, plus some oversteeped tea she made herself while Curtis nursed his own mug and stared out the smeared window at the rain.

“See you later if you aren’t back early,” he said as she left the car.

“Why would I come back early?” she asked, but he was already gone and her boots were already filling with water so she dismissed it and trudged from where he’d dropped her, back into the grove.

This time Sue was a little less nervous and she felt she got more done. Canvassed the plants of the grove thoroughly (with samples, in case she got her field IDs wrong), got some good footage of the wren eating, was less bothered by the mosquitos. She even got a little closer, cursing herself for being an excitable idiot as she did. Close enough to see the wear and chips and stains on his bill, to see the old scars on his right leg. She watched the limb flex and turn as he walked, followed him as he departed – into the deep thicket, then the fields, beelining once again for the pond. She did inventory on the pond vegetation too. Took note of what had been eaten, what hadn’t been eaten, what had been eaten only a little, took samples. It all kept her busy until the sun went down again, though this time she didn’t get as lost finding the car headlights.

“Sorry,” she said as she got back into the car.  “Lost track of time – so much to do.”

“I’m telling you that you wouldn’t have to worry about it,” said Curtis, “if you read the first journal.”

Which she was going to do, of course. Just maybe tomorrow night. She had a LOT of samples to sort.

***

Day three Sue finished the last of her granola bars for what she was starting to realize was the only meal she’d been letting herself have, went into the field, and worked ahead a little – half an eye on the wren, half an eye on where he was going, hoping and hoping and hoping she was smart enough to notice if he got up and started on his daily routine before he walked on top of her and set off the trample reflex by mistake. She set up some trail cams on the paths he had beaten through the foliage, made a start on a survey of the vegetation of the fields and the thickets, left a final camera up a tree at the pond where the kids wouldn’t see it, and was still in time to catch his commute down to the water hole.

“I think I’ve got the basics set up now,” she said to Curtis that evening.

He didn’t say anything, but his mug entered the sink with exceptional force.

She meant to get farther into the first journal, but fell asleep watching the trail cams for night traffic.

***

On day four Sue got up early and spent the morning buying something that wasn’t granola bars that she still knew how to cook, which narrowed her options a lot but hey, noodles were cheap the whole world over.

By the time she got home, Curtis was gone. No note, no car, no biologist.

Well, fine. She’d picked up a bunch of data, half-sorted it, and left it. She could get that all tidied up to see where it started leading her next and monitor the trail cams and maybe finally crack open that first journal.

So she did. She checked the plants the wren had been eating and the plants he hadn’t been eating and the animals around him and what they’d been eating and she looked them up and thought about seed distribution and discerning the ecological disturbance caused by megafaunal extinction on an already centuries-disturbed ecology (the island had never been THICKLY populated, but agriculture never didn’t make a mess), and when she was done that she looked at the trail cams.

They told her what the wren had been doing all day. He’d woken up by the pond in the early morning, walked to the grove, eaten, walked through the thickets into the fields (as the crow flies, she realized – not much need to alter the path of your desire when you were a walking bulldozer), had a nice drink, and fallen asleep for the night.

Well, he had a routine and he liked sticking to it. Normal behaviour. For instance, Sue had been putting off looking at Curtis’s first journal for more than half a week by now. Alas, she was sapient, and therefore could only blame so much of her behaviour on instinct and habit.

So she popped it open and started taking notes.

Familiar ones.

Her brow furrowed.

Very, very familiar ones.

“About time,” Curtis said when he came back late, six-pack in hand, and saw her bent over the book, pen working furiously in her other hand.

“Took a data day,” she muttered as she flipped the page. “Listen, is-”

The door shut. Chance gone.

She took a deep breath (mildew, damp, inescapable odour of tea and dust), held it (against every urge her lungs could send her), exhaled.

Then she kept writing. And reading.

***

On day five Sue woke up – face half-stuck to the journal – to the jingle of Curtis’s car keys as he walked out the door and had to sprint to catch up with him before he left without her. He didn’t say anything, didn’t raise an eyebrow, didn’t cluck his tongue. She was almost impressed; up until now the most passive-aggressive human being she’d ever known had been her grandfather. Well, she’d learned from him. The best defense against being pointedly ignored was to ignore right back, but be casual about it. She sat with her half-packed backpack in her lap as if she were in her computer chair at home, projected an air of casual confidence that insisted that she’d long-planned on skipping breakfast today, and dismounted to the roadside with the unspoken implication that she hadn’t wanted to wear a jacket because it would spoil the nice weather.

The last, at least, was surprisingly close to reality. It wasn’t exactly dry out, but to Sue’s slowly-dawning shock she realized that a seemingly-eternal background noise was missing: this was the first day she’d spent on the island without rainfall.

Crunch. Crack.

She shook it off. Time to dive back into the field. Check the trail cams, check the behaviour, check and check and check. Grove, thickets, fields, pond.

Yes, then yes, then yes, then yes.

“Figure it out yet?” asked Curtis when he picked her up.

“Mmm,” she said, flipping wildly through camera archives, and this kept her unbothered until they got back to the apartment, when she hit a little over the halfway point on the first journal and saw it and said, entirely against her will, “what the fuck?”
“Oh good,” said Curtis, halfway through his dinner tea. “About time.”
She held up the journal and pointed to it, rendered wordless.

“Yeah. That’s a timesaving device.”
Ditto marks. The same daily format, the same data fields, but all of it filled with nothing but ditto marks. On that page, and the next page, and the next page, and the next page.

Sue flipped the book. All of it, to the very end. “What,” she repeated herself involuntarily once more, “the fuck.”

Curtis shrugged. Oversold it too, like he’d been practicing the conversation in his head for a while. “It’s not that complicated.”

“What, you just don’t want to-”

“No, the wren. It’s not that complicated. Every day it does the same thing in the same order for the same amount of time, seasonally permitting. Food, water, sleep. Everything. Took me months to realize it, months to admit it.” He was smiling now, actually smiling, the expression cutting stiffly against the grain of his face. “Took me years after that to stop bothering to buy new journals. Took me a decade to stop looking.”

Apparently there was a point where disbelief overcame anger and flooded out all other emotions. “You haven’t bothered studying the last living Nicollette’s wren in years because he bored you?”

The smile vanished, retreating into that drawn-back blankness. “No. I stopped studying the last living Nicollette’s wren because I’d finished studying it. There’s nothing more to learn because there’s nothing more that it does. I discovered that, I tested that, I confirmed that. I’m here for the funeral autopsy, whenever it finally gets around to letting it happen.” He chuckled, the fakest sound she’d ever heard. “Got to tie the ribbon on top, you know.”

“This is what you call biology?”
“This is thirty years of my life. I call it expertise. And you could thank me for saving you some time figuring it out.”

“What happened to his right leg?” The question bubbled out of her without warning, an eruption of pressure as she tried to keep every other thought filling her head from coming out of her mouth at full volume.

“Got caught in a fence once and panicked. Before my time.”

He went to bed.

She stayed up for ten minutes sitting there, thinking. Then she went through the rest of the room, journal by journal.

Just as he’d said. Nothing but ditto marks. Then nothing but dates. Then nothing. Then no more journals.

***

The next morning Sue got up an hour before sunrise and headed out ten minutes after that with fresh tea in a decrepit thermos, leaving behind as polite a note as terseness permitted. The walk would help her focus, help her think. Help her resist the unprofessional thoughts she was having trouble keeping down even after the first night’s sleep she’d had that came closer to (physically) comfortable than not. Amazing what twenty hours and counting of no rainfall would do to perk you up if you weren’t amphibious.

For once she was at the grove early enough to catch the wren entering it. He looked as tired as she felt, feathers matted and disheveled from sleep, but he still ate hearty. She spent some time keeping a running log of his breakfast. The pattern was clear, and predictable, and more or less in line with what she’d pieced together out of the first journal. A very consistent animal, which was fine by any standards as long as you weren’t a disgrace to your profession. Apparently.

She put it out of her mind. She put it so thoroughly out of her mind that she nigh-sleepwalked through the entire rest of the morning into the afternoon migration and nearly stepped straight into the pond without looking.

“Watchit!” called a piping, piercing voice. “You looking for a soaker?”

Sue shook off her thoughts on her colleague, which were now nearing monograph length. More kids were hanging around at the pond, presumably because it wasn’t raining for once and they had to find other ways to get recreationally drenched than walking home. Half of them were in swim trunks, none of them were in the water.

“Thanks,” she called across the pond.

“Ya, no problem.”

The wren snorted; she looked back at him and no, nothing new. Just blowing water out of his nose. Nothing she hadn’t seen before in less than a week. Nothing Curtis hadn’t seen for decades before he gave up looking. But… she had observers, right here. They’d been around longer than her and unlike Curtis they seemed to actually use their eyeballs.

She started wading through the shallows. They watched her approach with the sort of even-handed boredom children treated the universe with, from frogs to textbooks to movies. “Do you kids hang around here a lot?” You kids. God, she wasn’t even thirty and already she opened her mouth and her dad fell out.

The kid who answered (the same kid? No, taller and longer hair) looked unimpressed, probably because he had to deal with a dad already. “Ya.”

“See the wren a lot?”
“The what?”
She pointed at him. “The wren. Nicollette’s wren.”
“Oh, the bigguy. Ya. Every day.”
“Do you ever watch what he does?”
“All the time, real easy to get close to it, it doesn’t give a damn about anything.”
“You shouldn’t do that.”
“Reese says he touched it once.”
“Have you kids ever heard of the trample reflex?”
“Ya. Reese is totally full of it.”

“Good.” This was harder work than she remembered; what was she trying to do again?
Oh.

Right.
“Ever see what he’s doing when no one else is around?”

“Same as usual. It’s old, old people always do the same things.”

She grinned and didn’t ask if she was included in that (she was; she’d been this age once, she knew for a fact that she was). “Sure. But what does he always do when it’s just you guys?”
“Don’t you know? You put that camera up the tree.”
“You know about that?”
“Ya. Bill found it when he went up for pickleberries.”

“I didn’t touch it,” piped up Bill, who was small and made entirely of arms.

“Ya, she didn’t touch it.” The kid looked less like he was defensive and more like he was irritated. “None of us touched it, that’s pricey stuff. We’re not made of money to go paying to fix it if you say we broke it, so we didn’t.”

“Thanks.”
A shrug, the movement of both scrawny adolescent shoulders over-exaggerated almost like the wren himself.

“But the camera’s only been up for a couple days and you guys must’ve been coming here for years. You’re the experts, not me. Anything he does that I won’t have seen yet?”

The kid shrugged. “Well, it’s prolly going fishing in a minute? Doesn’t do that when it’s raining.”
“Fishing?”

“Ya. Oh, here it comes. Look out.”

Sue looked out, and oh, the wren was moving, clotted feathers swaying ponderously as he lurched his way into the pond over his ankles, his chest and thighs. There he stood like a matted little island, head tucked back, eyes shut. Not asleep, but resting.

“This is pretty much how my aunt fishes,” she commented.

“Ya, my uncle too.”
“Suckup,”” said Bill. The kid smacked her without looking; she scowled and kicked his leg.

“Still… where are the fish?”

“There. Watch this.”
“Watch what wait wait-” But too late, the skipped stone had already spun loose from the kid’s hand, bounced once twice thrice splik splik-splak thwak, skimming and sinking just past the starboard side of the dozing wren.

The recipient of the thwak bobbed at the water’s surface gently.

“Careful!” said Sue.

“What – we’re over here, it’s over there, how is that supposed to be in the trample reflex? It doesn’t care. Tammy hit it with a rock like six times last week and it didn’t even wake up.”
“It was an ACCIDENT,” insisted Tammy, who had very beautiful eyes that were currently screwed up in a begrudged glare.

“Ya whatever, seven accidents, your aim is just that bad.”

Tammy picked up a rock.

“What,” interrupted Sue, holding aloft the (still, still-dripping) form of the thwak-recipient, “is this?”
“Fish,” said the kid.

“Fish,” said Bill.

“Fish,” said Tammy, throwing the rock to the mud perilously close to her own feet. “Duh.”

“So the wren eats them? He didn’t seem interested in this one.”
“Na, doesn’t eat them. It just likes the company. It goes and sits in the water and the fish come and swim around it. Fishing.”
“Duh,” added Tammy, clearly still smarting from the slurring of her name.

Sue put down the fish on a rock and took off her backpack. “Hey, kids-”

“I’m not a kid, I’m Clair.”
“I’m Bill!”
“I’m not a kid either, I’m Tammy, are you dumb?”

“I’m Eddie,” said Eddie.
“Hey guys! Want to see a dissection?”

The kid – Clair – eyed her backpack with artificial casualness. “How big’s your knife?”
Sue unfolded it. Her audience nodded.

“Cool,” said Tammy.

“Ya.”

***

She walked home under her own power and didn’t regret a second of it because all of it was spent mentally preparing for the moment when she swung the door to the apartment open and Curtis asked her “had enough yet?” and she didn’t punch him in the face but instead smiled (sweetly, serenely, with the pure and authentic joy of discovery untrammeled by visible spite) and answered “nope! Found something though.”
He raised an eyebrow. It fought against his face the whole way. “Really.”
“Yep! Strong suspicion of cleaning symbiosis between Nicollette’s wren and some of the local freshwater fish.” She pulled the sample free from her backpack with a jerk. “GI tract was loaded with feather parasites. I guess when it’s not raining he needs to take baths for more than just cleaning off the mud. I’m not an ichthyologist, but I’m pretty sure this species’ range has shrunk over the last century or so, and I’d be willing to guess there’s now a hypothesis for why that happened.”

Curtis stared at her.

“Not bad for the first week,” she said. The smile, although authentic, was beginning to hurt.

“How the hell did you make all of that up?” he asked.

“Well, I had the fish brought to my attention by some of the local kids-” (sorry Clair, Bill, Tammy, and Eddie) “-and then I did a field dissection, which-”

“Kids? That’s your source?” He snorted. “Please. Kids make things up for fun even when they’re not bored, and the kids around here are nothing BUT bored. Hard not to be, when their parents can’t even be assed to pay attention to them. They lied to your face to see if you’d fall for it and you did, is that all you’ve got for evidence?”

She stared at him. The smile wasn’t shrinking, and it still wasn’t fake, but there was a very different force behind it and the edges were turning sharp. “That, and the dissection, and the recordings from the pond trail cam. One of the kids went up the tree and tweaked the angle for me, and the resolution’s good enough that you can see the fish tugging at his sides.” Sorry, Bill. Thank you, Bill.

The air was still. Even the mildew seemed to stop thickening for a minute.

“This wasn’t in the first journal, was it?”

He flinched. Not inward, but away from her.

“Did you ever interview the locals?”

He stood up, threw the mug in the sink, and slammed the door to his room.

Sue had never treasured cleaning up broken ceramic so much before.

***

She had to walk again the next day. The bedroom door was shut. The keys were on the rack, but like hell she’d borrow the car without asking, even if last night hadn’t happened.

Fine by her. She had to do some other stuff before she went into the field anyways. Everyone was allowed a slow day after advancing science, right?

So she prowled the classifieds until she found an apartment half the size of Curtis’s, paid her fist and lasts, got groceries, put away everything all nice and tidy, ate the greasiest late lunch someone was willing to sell her, and was happy as a clam until she remembered that she’d left her dissection sample in the fridge as a stopgap since last night.

Fine. It was fine. They were mature adults. Or could pretend to be. And when he refused to let her in, she could just write it into the monograph and find another goddamned fish. That thought sustained her buoyancy all the way back to the old apartment right to the second she knocked on the door and it swung open inwards, unlocked and unlatched.

“Curtis?”

Dead silent except for the creak of the dying hinges. No lights on. No kettle sulkily boiling.

“Curtis?”

Still no answer. No keys on the rack. No coat. No Curtis. A mug of tea on the counter and a mess in the kitchen, cupboards flapping open and gaping. The garbage was tipped over.

Sue credited her long-standing irritation with the uncleanliness of the space for making her pick up the trash. She blamed her ever-escalating lack of regard for Curtis as a person for letting her read the grocery receipts as she stuffed them back into the container.

Tea. A single six-pack of beer. A more expensive and worst-tasting brand of noodles than the kind she bought. A barrel of pesticide.

She reread the item, then read the price, then re-reread the item.

A very large barrel of very unsafe pesticide.

She didn’t even stop to grab her backpack.

***

The roads were alien to her in a way the wren’s backwoods paths weren’t – too flat, too straight, too fast under her feet. She would’ve run right past the pond if she hadn’t seen Curtis’s car pulled over on the shoulder, one wheel nearly in the ditch and the lights still complaining about the keys in the ignition. But the worn little footpath created by bare little feet was obvious once you looked for it, and once you were on it you were in earshot of the shouting. Lots of it high-pitched and squealing.

“-mind your business!”
“It’s our swimming spot!”
“You’re littering!”

“I’ll tell!”

“Stop it! Stop it! STOP it!”

A hoarse yell, a thump, and Sue burst through the treeline and into some sort of abstract illustration, maybe a political cartoon. An angry old man defending a barrel of toxic waste from a bunch of angry kids. The allegorical meaning of all the swim trunks was a little harder to parse.

Curtis looked up at her like a hunted animal, one hand resting protectively on the big grey drum. He looked more ragged than usual; wrestling that thing down the footpath couldn’t have been fun for him. “Stay out of this.”
“It’s my research subject. You know it, you signed the forms saying I was coming here to study it. I’m as in this is as it gets.”

“Right. Right. I can give you coauthor on the autopsy. You know? The kids did it. They’re always throwing rocks at it, yelling at it, one of them fed it something from their parents’ farm.” His eyes were wider than she’d ever seen them, white and desperate. “The paper of my lifetime and I’m letting you in on it damnit, you can even do the fucking cutting, just let it end. Let it END. Its species ALREADY ended, I’ve just had to sit here and watch and wait and rot while this thing zombies along, already extinct and just not dying, wasting time and eating up my career never changing never living never learning-”

He spun midsentence and grabbed Clair’s hand just as it seized the rim of the barrel, which made Tammy jump onto his leg with both hands and feet. He kicked her – crunch, that was her nose – and just as he was pulling Clair up by the boy’s wrist Sue seized Curtis’s arm in one hand and his shirt in her other and moved him away from the barrel and the kids and everyone else as quickly as humanly possible, which made quite a splash.

It also didn’t QUITE move him away from everyone else. All the noise had masked the footsteps, right up until Curtis rolled right underneath their source and three giant scaly toes were hovering an inch above his face.

The last living Nicollette’s wren froze. A single blunt-tipped talon twitched.

“ohfuck,” said Bill.

And then in that all-powerful silence the gigantic claw twitched downwards, prodded the frozen mask of Curtis’s agonized gape, and slid over and away from him. One foot, then the other. Descending with cautious joy into the pond, step by step.

He splashed gently, fanning the water with his small, useless forelimbs. The fish came to him.

“Trample reflex, schmample reflex,” sulked Tammy indecipherably through a facefull of blood and her own clasped palm.

“Eddie, go get your parents and tell them to call the police,” said Sue, wading in the wren’s footsteps. “Clair, help your friend with her nose. Bill, don’t touch that barrel.” She deviated from her course by six inches to place one boot on Curtis’s chest with a little more force than was strictly necessary. “And don’t worry, Tammy, disproving old ideas is just how science works. It looks like the wren WAS changing all those years you were watching him, doesn’t it Curtis?” Her heel sunk a half-centimeter farther, producing a wheeze. “He’s decided you’re part of the scenery. Harmless. A constant. He recognized you, and learned from you, and changed because of you, and this is how you thanked him for that.”

Curtis’s mouth was open but words weren’t coming out. Eddie was yelling in the distance, overlaid with the crash and thrash of adult feet descending down the footpath.

The wren didn’t pay any of them any more heed. Eyes closed, bath attendants nibbling at his fringes, he looked and lived just like everyone else on any other day: as best as he could, until the time came that he couldn’t.

Like everything else that ever lived.


Storytime: The Sun Went Out.

September 17th, 2025

One bright and sunny morning everyone woke up and got ready for their days and they were all so preoccupied with all the little things that needed to be done that it took them almost half an hour to realize that the sun had gone out. This caused some concern.

The first order of business was clear: establish confusion. So every human awake and aware on the planet that could see the sky turned to the nearest other human they could see and had the following conversation:

“Hey, do you see that?”
“Do YOU see that?”

“I think I do, do you?”
“Yeah.”
“Woah.”
“Woah.”

“Know what’s going on?”
“I’ve got no idea – do YOU know what’s going on?”
“No.”
“Actually, wait – I bet I know what’s happening!”

And then began the second order of business, which was much more complicated and delivered with a lot of certainty and had a LOT more permutations all around: declaring why the sun had gone out.

The conspiracy theorists said the sun going out was a hoax to keep everyone’s minds off the truth, which was being hushed up by the FBI.

The cults declared the sun going out was a sign that the end was upon humanity, and that it could be forestalled if people gave them all their worldly possessions and maybe did something horny for them, just like every other day sun or no sun. 

The FBI said the sun going out was the CIA’s fault.

The philosophers said SOMETHING about the sun going out but nobody understood except for other philosophers and they all said they were talking complete horseshit.

The CIA said the sun going out was probably the fault of that wily bastard Fidel Castro.

The physicists, astronomers, and astrophysicists said that the sun going out was all very exciting and changed everything but they didn’t know how or why because they had no funding and could they please have some.

Fidel Castro didn’t confirm or deny his responsibility in the sun going out.

Many of the great religions of the world said something about the sun going out, but most of their adherents couldn’t agree on what they said and got very upset with each other figuring out the fine details.

The government of the United States of America said the sun going out was the fault of China.

The government of China said the sun going out was the fault of the United States of America.

The government of the United Kingdom said the sun going out was definitely the fault of the European Union, or so reported the people who were paying attention to them.

The government of Canada presumably said something about the sun going out. The Canadians weren’t sure exactly WHAT they might have said, but were pretty sure the USA had said it was China’s fault.

Meanwhile, the citizens of each nation were pretty sure the sun going out was the government’s fault, what a bunch of goddamned clowns, can’t do anything right.

The elderly wisely informed their youthful peers that back in their days the sun went out twice as hard as this and they didn’t complain because they were busy doing real work because that was how you got ahead in life, and maybe the sun wouldn’t have gone out if they had more work ethic.

The youth rudely informed their elderly peers that the sun going out wasn’t a big deal and they were busy doing more important things like peer pressure and internet and the sun had probably gone out because it was sick of hearing old people talk.

The staff of the Royal Tyrrell Museum of Paleontology said that the sun going out was something they could not comment on as it had very little to do with the Campanian fossil beds of Dinosaur Provincial Park or the science of paleontology in general.

The wealthy said that the sun going out was caused by too many goddamned handouts to the greedy and undeserving parasitic masses of the poor.

The middle class said that the cause of the sun going out was none of their business but they hoped it wouldn’t make their taxes go up because they barely had enough to go on vacation twice a year as it was. 

The poor asked if they could have a spare dollar to buy a thicker blanket so they wouldn’t freeze to death between their shifts, since the sun had gone out.

This request was broadly not heeded, but it DID raise a till-then-unspoken concern: by this point things were becoming a bit chillier. People began to wonder if perhaps there should be a third order of business where they did something about the problem of the sun going out.

The president of the USA suggested firing nuclear missiles into the sky and using them instead of a sun. ‘The sun will never set on our country as long as I’m in power,” he told the press.

The billionaires suggested giving them more money so they could try fixing the sun with ideas they saw in science fiction novels when they were twelve.  “Maybe we could take apart the solar system and use the bits to build a ringworld around Alpha Centauri,” said one exceptionally tedious wealthy dipshit. “It’s very feasible with current technology.”

The preachers and the pastors and the hellraisers and the prophets suggested listening to them, but couldn’t agree on who should be listened to, or what they were saying. But they WERE absolutely sure everyone else was incorrect.

The oil companies said that the sun was always a waste of time and money since it was solar powered AND nuclear powered and the real solution was always to burn twice as much oil twice as hard twice as often, leaving the globe warm and comfortably gaslit.

The political hard right said the sun was unnecessary as long as you exterminated all social outgroups and underclasses, which would make a perfect society that would definitely NOT immediately designate new outgroups for persecution and extermination.

The political hard left said the sun was unnecessary as long as you exterminated the moderates, who were undoubtedly responsible for the sun going out in the first place.

The political moderates said that maybe the sun would come back so long as you let everyone exterminate everyone else a little bit but not too much or too hard. Maybe they could all take turns?

The farmers said the sun would come back if it had the spine to get up at the crack of dawn and do a real job that society couldn’t survive without.

The artists said maybe the sun would come back when it had some new inspiration for fresh ideas and pushing it would just ensure you got sloppy and derivative work.

The economists said the sun would come back if everyone did something about something something index something something consumer confidence something something inflate the stagflation whatever who cares.

The sober and cool-headed policy wonk realists who advised the leaders of nations said the sun wasn’t coming back anytime soon so the only reasonable and rational decision was to annex everyone you felt like and anyone who argued otherwise was just being a silly billy polyanna numpty-neener-hoo.

The beleaguered penguins of Antarctica said little that was intelligible.

The management said that if the sun didn’t come back before its sick days were up it would be let go.

The internet said whatever would sell advertisements.

But after that, during that, before that could finish, last of all came the fourth order of business, and it came when the Sun sheepishly staggered in to work a whole day late, disheveled and pale and looking like death warmed over.

“I went out for drinks and lost track of time,” it said. “It won’t happen again.”

Nobody believed this.


Storytime: Big Time.

September 10th, 2025

Once upon a time there were two small sisters, thinking about the future.

“I’m going to get bigger,” said one to the other.

“I’m going to get bigger than you,” retorted the other to one.

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yuh-nuh!”

And then one bit the other and one and the other’s mother got involved, and the matter was left behind but not forgotten.

***

Twice upon a time there were two medium-sized women.

“I’m still too small,” said one. “I’m going to get out of here and move to the big city, get into big business, make it big. I’ll be…” and here she paused to stare into the sky, not out of dramatic impulse but to look into the closest thing to the infinite she had to hand, to search for inspiration, to find a piece of language that could possibly encapsulate the meaning she felt so clumsily struggling to tear free from her mind.

Her sister waited with a smooth and patient face.

She shuddered as it came to her, a piece of inspiration dropping from the sky and plummeting into her marrow.

“I’ll be…a huge deal.”

“Cool,” said her sister. “Cool, cool, cool. I’ll be huger.”

“Oh yeah? How?”
“I’ll make it bigger. I’ll get into bigger things. I’ll make myself enormous. You’ll see. You won’t be able to get away from me.”
“Listen up, you little goober,” said one, “I’m going to be so big they’ll put my name everywhere. I’m going to be ginormous. I’m going to live in a sky scraper so tall they’ll have to put up fences to keep the clouds out; its foundations will be so deep we’ll have to heatproof them against magma, and I’ll be so damned big I’ll have every floor to myself. I’ve got big dreams. You? You’re small time.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yuh-nuh!”

And then one bit the other and their mother screamed at them to knock it off, she was listening to her podcasts, and one left to become big and the other was just left.

At home.

Plotting.

“Mother,” she said at last. “I must become bigger than my sister. I am going to go to school to learn how to Make It Big.”

“Go to hell and let me listen to my misinformation and propaganda in peace,” grumbled her mother.

And so the other sister, the underplanned sister, the sister who felt small inside, took a short walk down to the bus stop for a quick trip. She had a few little plans.

***

First of them was academia. Architecture. Buildings were big.

“And I need to know how to make a bigger one than any other,” she explained to her professor as she graduated. “So my sister will be smaller than me, with just an itty-bitty skyscraper to keep her miniscule eensy-weensy body inside all puny and pathetic.”
“I don’t think you actually took any classes here,” said her professor, “but I feel compelled to tell you this anyways: there is more to size than size alone. The great pyramids of Giza are shorter than many a high-rise, but they loom large in historic value.”

“I see, I see, I see, I see,” she said thoughtfully.

“Please put away the gun. I have children.”
“Am I officially an architect now?”
“The moment you remove the duct tape from my arms, yes.”
“That’s a small-time play,” she said dismissively, and then she rolled out the window as the campus police busted down the door, degree flapping wildly behind her, hands vibrating with excitement as she scaled the juddering, windblown ladder into the riot helicopter.

“Take me to Giza!” she shouted at the cowering, sweaty woman at the controls. “No, wait – take me to Paris! No, wait, take me to London! No, wait – take me to London, then to Paris, then Giza! I’ve got to MAKE IT BIG!”

***

Second was corporate work.

“I can’t believe that it didn’t work,” she seethed, stamping her feet with a crunch-cranch of broken glass on expensive carpet. “I balanced the Pyramid of Khafre on the Eiffel Tower and then I balanced THAT on top of Big Ben! Don’t they know how much harder that was than going from heaviest to smallest?! They stayed up for almost six whole seconds but NOBODY CARED!” She fired her gun into the ceiling. “It’s not fair!” She shoved her bloodied stapler into the carpet and kicked it viciously. “It’s not right!” She turned beet red, shook her fists, and burst into tears. “It’s everyone else’s fault but mine that I haven’t made it big!”

“Your attitude is perfect, and your skillset is on-point,” marvelled the receptionist. “But I must repeat – regretfully – that we already have a CEO.”
“I know THAT, that’s why I stapled him. I’m a go-getter. Promote me.”

“Sure. You’re the CEO.”
“As CEO, I order you to put me into space.”
“Why?”
“I want to live there. It’s huge. It’s ginormous. It’s the biggest. I need to be biggest, or at least bigger than big. For spite.”

“You’re overqualified for this job,” said the receptionist, relaxing and removing her hand from the alarm switch. “The next rocket’s taking off in six minutes. It’s unmanned but if you tuck yourself in a maintenance panel with an oxygen mask and a water bottle you’ll probably be okay.”
“Thanks, wish me luck. You’re acting CEO while I’m out.”

So she ran, ran, ran across the launch pad, crowbarred open a metal panel on a howling giant of steel and poorly-conceived trajectories, and slipped herself inside its skin like a bad Christmas card in a pre-packaged envelope.

“Here I come!” she shouted over the rising scream of engines that statistically were expected to explode in twenty minutes. “Here I am, heading for the BIG TIME!”

***

Third was practical experience and cultivation of growth mindset.

“Space is so dull,” she sulked from ground level, dirt sliding between her restless fingers.

“Agreed.”
She worried five little pits in the earth, one for each digit. “It’s not BIG, it’s just empty.”
“Yes.”
A sweep of the palm, all the quarries eliminated. “Who’d want to live there? Nobody. Losers. Small-timers. Not me, I’m all about hitting the big time. Only the most time for me.”

“Absolutely.”

She looked up and around herself at the boundless and bare lone and level sands. “So. You are big. And you have time. Can you teach me how to be big?”

“Sure,” said the desert. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah!”
“Alrighty.”
“YEAH!”

“Remove all your bodily hair and clothing.”
She blinked.

“We need to denude your surface so wind and sun can tear your substrate into tiny little pieces.”

“Okay!” she said. “I’ll go ask the ocean.”

She went and asked the ocean.

“There’s only room for one body of water covering seventy percent of this planet,” it told her flatly, wetly, evenly distributed everywhere across the globe that the vagaries of plate tectonics permitted it, “and that’s me.”
“Come onnnnn, let me try just a little. You’re so BIG, surely you can spare a little space for a big deal! I can do that. I can be your big deal.”
“Fine. Lie on your back.”
She laid on her back..

“Now be denser and less buoyant than the crust of the continent surrounding you, plunging yourself to the floor of the world’s surface and becoming covered with water.”
“To become big I have to go DOWN?” she asked incredulously.
“And let everything else trample all over you. And get soaked.”
“I’ll ask a mountain,” she said.

So she asked a mountain.

“Sure,” said the mountain. “You can be big by being a mountain. It’s easy.”

“Oh GOOD,” she said. “And you’re big where everyone can see you, right?”
“Yeah! Go it alone, go with a range, either way there’s no missing you on the skyline.”
“And you don’t have to strip naked?”
“Hell no. See my treeline? See my glaciation? Well, what’s left of it.”
“And I don’t have to start by sinking down below ground level?”
“Nah – it’s the complete opposite of that, right from the start.”
“How do I start then?”
“Are you standing there?”
“I’m standing there.”
“Now stand up REAL TALL.”
She stood up real tall.

“Now wait.”

She waited.

And waited.

For a while.

“Okay, cool. Now just keep doing that until you get ground away by time and weather.”

The wind whistled.

“Hello? You still listening?”

The hinterlands aged a little further.
“Wow, she already eroded flatter than a foothill? I only left her alone for like, a thousand years or two. Three tops. Best mountaineering I’ve ever seen – now THAT’S a bigshot.”

***

Her sister, by contrast, worked in a call center for ten years, then did retail for the rest of her life. It was okay.

No need to make a big deal out of it, really.


Storytime: Three Small Wars.

September 3rd, 2025

Three men with three drinks and three opinions sat at one table, arguing at every volume at once.

“You’re asking me what motivates a human being?” shouted General Duck Noggin, pounding his long, fleshless hands on the table like a pair of macabre drumsticks. “I’ll tell you! Anyone can tell you! FEAR! Fear of death! Fear of pain! Fear of the unknown! Fear of your mother being disappointed in you! And then you ask me how to direct a soldier?! Are you stupid AND deaf?!”

“Stupid and deaf, stupid and deaf, stupid and deaf, stupid, and, also, deaf,” mocked Admiral Loaford Schlap from somewhere inside the depths of his moustache, his monocle glaring fearsomely above his jowls like the cherry on an human sundae. “Must you describe yourself in every sentence through projection mental AND vocal, idiot boy? Anyone can tell you that, anyone can feel that, and THAT is why it is not special. Fear is old and worn and by the time childhood is behind you everyone has gotten used to avoiding it. What never wears out? Hate. A hate acquired at age two can be bright and shining when you die in bed at a hundred; even gold can’t age as gracefully. Teach a citizen hate and point them at the foe and they will fight until their body is dust, then sweep themselves into the enemy’s lungs!”

“Both of you are tragically astray,” said the third officer, shaking his head in sadness. “Fear and hate are negative emotions. You can harness them, but not tame them – they’ll smash your plow, run rampant over your fields and destroy your crops. You need to think positive. You need to think of foundations, of unshakability and steadfastness. Everyone needs something to love, don’t they? Make that your cause.”
“Shut up, Bob,” snapped Duck Noggin.

“Yes, shut up Roberts,” agreed Loaford Schlap.

“I’ve told you before, you can call me ‘Bob Robs’; we’re all friends here,” said Chief Military Advisor Bob Roberts, or ‘Bob Robs’ to his friends. “And as we’re such good friends, we should test our ideas fairly and equitably. I believe we will be starting a war with our neighbours soon, won’t we? Why don’t we each motivate our troops in the manner we think best and see who has set the best record at the end of the day? A good, clean yardstick.”
“That’s stupid,” said Duck Noggin.

“If he doesn’t like it, I’m in,” said Loaford Schlap.

“Oh no you don’t! I’m in too.”
And so it was, and so they separated in haste, for the war was soon to arrive and the bill even sooner than that.

***

General Duck Noggin addressed his new recruits in the parade grounds, so raw they barely knew how to salute, pacing in front of them like a restless mantis before a parade of ladybugs.

“Listen up, you maggots!” he told them at great volume. “You are going to die! We all are! And if you listen to me and do as I say, I will ensure that is later than if you DON’T listen to me! Now drop and give me twenty!”

The soldiers stared, then awkwardly and nervously descended to all fours and began to do push-ups.

“Too slow!” said Duck Noggin. He pulled out his pistol and shot the slowest soldier in eyesight with it, bang! “Now get back up!”

Limbs shaking, eyes wide, they scrambled back up.

“Too fast!”

Bang!

“Now climb the hill!”
Panting, sweating, shaking, they climbed the hill.

“Use your hands, scum! Scramble like you mean it!” Bang!

They used their hands.

“DON’T DROP YOUR WEAPONS, IDIOTS!” Bang! “Now GO BACK DOWN!”

They went back down.

“To the barracks! Go to sleep! A soldier must sleep when they can and wake when they are needed! YOU! SLEEP FASTER!”

Bang!

And so it went for weeks, with not a second of the day not devoted to training, and not a second of that training taking place without General Duck Noggin and his always-smoking, always-loaded, always-brandished sidearm. The bodies were left to rot where they fell, and each became a lesson that was repeated aloud each time they marched past them.

“Make eye contact when you speak to a superior! Be confident!”
“Lower your gaze in deference when I’m addressing you! Be humble!”
“Don’t stow your pack sloppily! Take your time!”
“Don’t take so long stowing your pack! Hurry up!”
“Stop staring at the bodies, the battlefield will be full of them!”
“Don’t ignore the bodies, they’re there to teach you a lesson!”
On and on and on and on and on and on the lessons in fear went, ever-shifting, ever-rising, until at last not one soul under the general’s command could sleep, or walk, or stand without a terrible black hole inside them clawing at their skin, demanding they sacrifice anything and everything to be free of its tug against their nerves. Their eyes belonged to dying dogs, not humans, and they whimpered in their sleep – soundlessly, because that was one of the corpse-lessons.

Then came war. Then came the march. And then, atop a small hill before the battle, came the speech. Duck Noggin stood tall – not merely for his height, which was great, but because he had so thoroughly bent the army beneath him.

“The enemy is upon us!” he shouted. “They are heartless and dangerous and seek to kill you! But I can do so much worse! I will pull your soul free from your eyes and floss with it! I will pull the trigger at your skull should you flinch for an instant from duty! I am the inescapable doom that awaits you if you fail, and you WILL NOT FAIL! AM I UNDERSTOOD?”

No one answered. He pulled his gun free and shot the nearest silent face. “SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO!” he roared.

“Yes, sir!” called the soldiers all together and all at once, high and quivering.

So General Duck Noggin held his gun high, turned his back to his army with absolute and supreme confidence, and commanded “CHARGE!”

The battle was a confused rout even by the standards of war (seldom does an army flee in terror before the foe fires upon them) and afterwards it was very difficult to determine if General Duck Noggin had truly perished. The only corpse that theoretically could be his had been so utterly obliterated from behind by massed musket fire that it could have belonged to anyone.

***

Admiral Loaford Schlap harrumphed at the marines of his captains as they went through their paces. “Sloppy! Very sloppy.”
“Their marksmenship is more than adequate,” protested one of the officers.

“Not the guns, no, not the guns – their mindset! They fight to hit the little dot in the center of the target; who’s going to care about THAT when the fire hits the field? They need motivation. They crave fuel, fuel for the flame we shall alight in their bellies! Attend to me! Here are the facts that must be conveyed.” Loaford snorted, hawked, cleared his throat, and beckoned his secretary – a wizened beast of tendons and hair. “’The Enemy,’” he spake with great enunciation, “’is very nearly, but not quite, entirely human.’”

The secretary waited, hand poised.

“That’s it,” clarified Loaford. “We don’t want to rush to put all our cards on the table at once, eh? All of you, take a copy of that each, give it a shot on your lot – then when they ask you what that means, elaborate on it in your own words and tell me what words work best! We’re in this for the long-haul, we’ve got to let the marinade penetrate deep into their guts before they’re all tender and ripe for the battle. And to do that, we’ve got to find the right ingredients.”

So the admiral’s seventy captains saluted and took his notes and that evening they spoke to their soldiery of their enemies, and of how they were very nearly (but not quite) entirely human, and the next dawn they came back with their own notes, which were pooled and sorted through into a comprehensible and criticisable form by Loaford Schlap.

“Not bad,” he admitted, puffing away on his overpipe. “Not bad at all. We will need to condense this, drill it down to the red-hot bedrock and then hammer that until it cracks open and the blazing magma of bloodlust spills forth to carry us to the eruptive violence that is glorious victory!” He coughed triumphantly, then removed his underpipe to jab it at his secretary. “Write that one down. Yes, write it down. And while you’re writing it down…let’s see what’s been bubbling brightest in the stewpot…. Yes, this one. This works. Yes. Yes.”

So the notes of what gave the marines most ire were taken and written and sent out to be tested again, and the captains spoke their new words that night.

“The enemy,” said Captain Hovard Slenk, “have smaller brains than you.”

“The enemy,” warned Captain Mercy Pottery, “have smaller hearts than yours, and their genitals are malformed.”
“The enemy,” instructed Captain Cluny Clobbbers, “do not eat animals you consider it appropriate to eat, and eat animals you consider inappropriate to eat. They enjoy this.”

“The enemy,” elucidated Captain Mothsplatter Prentice, “have been cut up in every way by a scientific study and that study did not find a single organ corresponding to a soul.”

And that too was gathered, and studied, and improved upon, and that was the first two day’s work with weeks yet to come.

“Good job,” said Loaford Schlap. “Next fact: ‘the Enemy hates you.’ Get cracking so we can get delving!”

So it went, and so they learned, and so they proceeded.

“The enemy despise our beautiful, bounteous, and gorgeous homeland,” said Captain Hovard Slenk in a tight, angry voice. “They want to burn our orchards and ravage our fields and piss on the ashes and shit on the piss.”

“The enemy can’t stand how amazing and powerful and dangerous our strong and perfect military is,” said Captain Mercy Pottery in a low, warning voice. “They’re sneakily forcing us to attack them before we make them look like the miserable and pathetic failures they are and they have no choice but to give up and commit suicide before our majestic radiance.”

“The enemy covet our great wealth,” said Captain Cluny Clobbers in a loud, outraged voice. “They want to take your money and spend it all on things they don’t need or like that won’t work anyways.”

“The enemy are jealous of how beautiful and perfect your spouses and families are,” said Captain Mothsplatter Prentice in a contemplative, aloof voice. “They want to kiss them on the mouth mwah mwah mwah.”

“Almost there,” said Admiral Loaford Schlap with satisfaction when they had processed all of this. “But now we need the final step to set the path straight: ‘the enemy is inferior.’ Get it off these notes and into their heads – hurry!”
“The enemy are lazy and indolent and they lack the strength and will to fight you!” said Captain Hovard Slenk.

“The enemy are feeble and limp of every body part from wrist to foot and they lack the strength and will to fight you!” said Captain Mercy Pottery.

“The enemy are idiotic drooling chumps that don’t know warfare from cookware and they lack the strength and will to fight you!” said Captain Cluny Clobbers.

“The enemy believe in the incorrect gods and are actually minions of small and worthless devils and they lack the strength and will to fight you!” said Captain Mothsplatter Prentice.

And then there was no more time, but that was enough. Loaford Schlap stood on the deck of the greatest vessel his country had ever commissioned and looked down upon the grandest fleet his people had ever constructed and every eye he met looked right through his and out the other side, fixated with bloodlust on the foe.

“B’god we’ve done it,” he marvelled to his captains, mesopipe drooping from his incisors in admiration and joy.

“Yes, sir,” said Captain Hovard Slenk, teeth gritted.

“And on the eve of battle no less – hah, the timing couldn’t be more perfect. They lie anchored – unable to press us, unwilling to retreat, awaiting the day-wind that shall convey us to their destruction.”

“Aye, sir,” said Captain Mercy Pottery, eyes smouldering.

“Come the dawn we will press the attack and leave this sea awash in corpses.”

“Surely, sir,” said Captain Cluny Clobbers, face contorted.

“So sound the bell for night’s watch and tell the men to dream violent dreams – on the morrow, those dreams shall come true!”

“It can’t wait,” said Captain Mothsplatter Prentice, foaming at the mouth. “ALL HANDS TO THE BOATS!”

“What?” asked the admiral.

“TO THE BOATS!” screamed the other captains.

“YES, SIR!” called the soldiers all together and all at once, shrill and cracking to pieces

And the admiral asked ‘what?’ again, but such noise and such emotion are not found in places where questions are tolerated, so he was swept aside as every soul in the fleet set sails, dropped boats, seized weaponry, and very slowly poured out across the midnight sea into the surprised but grateful jaws of their foes, who found that enemies attacking with the wind against them, no plan, and complete disregard for their own existence were a pleasant surprise. The next day dawned on a single fleet and a wide array of splinters, some of which may have once been a deck an admiral could have stood upon, or a selection of gradated pipes he might have smoked, but they all looked much alike by that time.

***

Chief Military Advisor Bob Roberts received the news of the disaster at sea without much thought as to its impact on his bet. He was concerned with the speech he was drafting. He was concerned with the guard he would be addressing.

He was also concerned if he had a poppy seed stuck in his teeth. His mirror fixed that much for him. Then he straightened his collar, stepped to the balcony, and raised his voice to an appropriate level for the benefit of the ranks of those who waited upon his word.

“I know that we are in a dangerous and strange place right now,” he spoke. “But have you considered that it is also a fine and beautiful and great one? Look at how perfect this building is. Look at how wonderful the people who made it are. Look at each other: aren’t you beautiful? And not just physically: each and every one of you has lived the very best life you could have because of the tremendous wisdom and excellent emotional care you have shown to all others for all your lives, as instilled in you by the loving and irreproachably tender guidance of your parents, all of whom believe – as do we all! – in the sanctity and everlasting joy available to every human being that dares call this place home. Truly we live in a place of heaven come to earth, and in so coming, it has proven itself greater than its original home – that which dwells in purity and glory unseen is by far lesser than that which descends to mundanity so as to shine brightly amidst the ashes and thereby inspire all us weary souls to rise up in glorious ascension from the mud and dirt to the aethereal cloudscape of sublimity. The absolute, ultimate, final, terminal, concluding end-state of this land is not yet reached; its message is as of yet unaccepted, as can be seen by how all humanity has not yet joined together in harmonious and humble supplication and love before our unimaginable glory. Therefore our defeat is not possible, for losing before that happy day is also impossible. You will win us victory because you are very good and we are very great. I love you. I’d wish you good luck but you don’t need it.”

The citizen’s militia, national guard, reserve battalions, and assorted conscripts blinked greatly and stared.

“Now go forth and win, for love of all that we are!” cheered Bob Roberts,

“Yes, sir!” called the soldiers all together and all at once, loud and proud. And they marched out in their serried ranks and, to the world’s considerable surprise, did just that. At the very gates of their capital the foe was scorned and turned aside – driven not just from their walls, but from the country entire, then further still – and they were heroes.

Then they returned home and used their newfound heroic status to advocate for putting up a large fence around the land – legal and literal – so that they might cultivate their power and perfection and work towards their ultimate destiny as the greatest country to ever exist untroubled by the demands, threats, and feeble pawings of the lesser-and-less-glorious nations that surrounded them. Some disputed this and were immediately set upon as traitors.

Twelve years later the country – starving, undersupplied, depopulated, and torn apart by four successive civil wars (hyperpatriots vs the disloyal; hyperpatriots vs the irresolute; hyperpatriots vs patriots; and finally hyperpatriots vs hyperpatriots) – was annexed jointly by its neighbours in an act of coordinated international pity. Chief Military Advisor Bob Roberts was not available for legal commentary, having been executed in a show trial for insufficient love of country some ten years earlier.

***

The fate of the bar where the bet was made is unknown. If it was burned, it was probably rebuilt. Drinks, like armed conflict, are a timeless necessity.

Though the precise manner in which both are executed can vary.


Storytime: The Trek.

August 27th, 2025

It was still dewy out – just – when he woke up.  The sun was moving fast, the air was still lightly cool, there were excited animals losing their minds that the sun had come up, can you believe it the sun came up, there’s a ball of fire in the sky again, holy heck, and noon was closer than it wasn’t but not as close as it could be.

So he skipped breakfast for the hundredth time in a row and stepped outside, throwing a folded piece of paper in the air to check the breezes. 

It fluttered, dipped, and dropped nose-first.  He took the measure of its angle and started walking. 

He had a lot to catch up on. 

***

Down to the waters first.  A long walk – and worryingly exposed, without much cover – but bearable in the absence of both midday heat and mid-morning travellers.  He slipped through the crust of thickets and down into the cedars, hopped the stream, and under two trees and atop a stone and just barely above the waves he sat, looking out under the boughs into the long, wide water, quite invisible. 

A good place for a cache.  He checked his stash: ancient shells that whispered hidden secrets; wave-polished jewels that glowed without light; and a piece of wood turned into something more complicated by the will and whim of the waves.  He gripped it in his palm, drew something out of it that stood in place of his breakfast, and he slid back up out of his undertree hollow and hopped the stream again and strode down to the pebbled beach.  He found nothing, but that was alright.  Most days that was true.  The waves were rising higher and higher on the shoreline, pushing up the gravel – the last gasps of white-caps from out in the deeps, where the monster may or may not be lurking nearby.  A fish jumped – escaping something, hunting something?  Who knew. 

A strange call, long and hooting, from the ancient pier that serenely rotted in the waves nearby.  The locals were gathering.  He shivered and moved farther down the beach, away from the shadows looming down through the trees above the shore, splashing into the noisy burble and bubble of the river where it spilled into the broader body of the lake, cold and fast pooling and slowing and spreading into warm and lazy.

 ***

The sun was higher now, farther up in the sky and closer to the back of his neck, sizzling away.  The river kept him from sweating; ankle deep, thigh-high, waist, knee, back down to ankle as he moved upstream, clinging to branches and taking each step with care.  Some rocks were unsteady; some rocks were slippery; some rocks were dwelling-places of crustaceans with crushing claws, and the best way to tell the difference was to place your foot and carefully roll and nudge and swirl before your full weight bore down upon it. 

That was the slow, constant danger.  The fast, unsteady danger was the rapids.  The churn and bubble and froth over the stones was easy to spot, but when the bed dipped deeper the fast-moving current sometimes hid itself below, ready to shove and grab and yank you down, closer to the spiny fish and the clutching claws of the things that scuttled under rock and maybe even the ponderous, primevally knobbled skull of an ancient reptile. 

So the going was slow, and the going was long, and there was a break to be had along the way where the dense thicket pulled back and slumped over the ruins of an ancient building, stones strewn and foundations slowly sinking into the dirt.  He sat on what had been a finely-cut keystone for some decrepit archway and pondered the history of the place: a mill?  A tower?  A power station?  Laboratory, fortress, dungeon… whatever it had been, whoever it had been for, now it was rubble.  

A croak, a rustle in the rushes.  He left for the water again in a hurry.  He didn’t know this terrain as well as he’d like. 

***

Like any ambush predator, the trees came up slowly, skulkingly, never moving when he looked directly at them.  They crept into his peripheral vision, lulled it into a false sense of security, then slowly rose overhead to join hands until the whole river was swathed from the sun by a canopy of green and gold.  

A distant call made him freeze in the water and scan his surroundings: he was fully in the domain of the dinosaurs now, and their eyes were sharper than his.  Only by paying careful attention would he catch sight of one before it saw him, and so he lurked low in the water and moved quickly in short bursts, watching and listening and holding his breath between each surge until finally the rapids rose up into an aggressive roar not even his most careful footing could manage and he was forced inshore under the cedars, beneath the dead branches and above a thick layer of shed needles and dry twigs. 

It was a strange place to be; a thicket of bare, undead limbs.  You could hardly walk two feet without getting your eyes poked loose by clawing twigs, but without so much as a single leaf left alive in the understory to block your view you could see almost to the other end of the woods.  He detoured, he ducked, he swerved, and when at last he was hemmed in he took up the largest weapon he could find and chopped his way through the zombie foliage, wincing at each crack and stopping to look for any sign of sudden movement. 

But he was lucky, and he was close, and soon he emerged onto the edge of the sunlight and crossed over once more into the blinding breadth of the world.

***

The trees were above him.  The sky was above them.  And all around, sloping down, were the reeds and the rushes and the scream of the cicadas and the (still present, still too near) call of dinosaurs and the occasional deep, guttural grunt of the lions of the pond. 

It was those that he was hunting now. 

He walked down into the basin – a quarry of fathomless age, now a seasonal funnel that turned rainwater into something beautiful – like a stubby-necked heron, and waded amongst the slimy and sucking ooze of the marsh with caution and with care as great as that he had expressed when he was picking his way through the rocky stones of the creek, each footfall as slow and gentle as the settling of a fallen tree into a bog. 

Until at last it was within arm’s reach, at which he struck without thinking or blinking. 

Splash!  Grab!  Squeeze!  The pond-lion thrashed in his hands, legs kicking, toothless maw gaping in defiance.  Its beady eyes glared defiance and promised sure death if he were foolish enough to come a little bit closer, just a little bit closer please, only a tiny bit closer. 

He held his wriggling prize for just one more moment of glory, in which its struggles slowed and halted.  Gathering strength?  Detecting his intent? Accepting its fate?  Who could say, who could see, who could know what flirted through its brain.  The pond-lion was far more alien to him than the dinosaurs. 

A cloud passed above, shading the sun.  His grip released.  Its form impacted the surface.  And it was gone. 

So should he be, if he had sense.  The roar of metal came from nearby – up the hill, from the cindered trail.  A growling, gas-breathed predator was coming close, no doubt helmed by another of the locals.  He retreated away – skirted the edge of the water as mechanical heels and hands dug into its muddy edge and spat tepid water into the air, fleeing into the far brush.

And farther than that. 

***

Here was riotous growth and death all at once.  The trees had been slashed, then levelled, then finally crushed and piled high  in unimaginable corpse-welters of oozing trunk and shredded canopy, churned through with the very earth that their roots had clutched and pinned and kept solid and safe. 

Now that earth was exposed, raw, bleeding away into gravel with every rainfall.  Ponds had formed that no water-lion would dwell in, barren of green and shade.  Vulcanized footprints big enough to swallow him three times over shaped their bounds and the paths between them, a moment’s errant pause-and-reverse determining where water would flow and where it wouldn’t. 

One trench had been dug with deeper intent.  It stretched wide and far, waters clear and bright and only slightly tinted by floating dust.  Nothing lived in it.  It was deep enough to swim and drown and float in.  He would not set foot in it.

Instead he turned farther in, away from the greater display of devastation, and followed the tracks of its makers back into the wood proper – cedar again, but older and taller and greater by far.  There was greater room too between the trees, where much work with much effort had trimmed loose the tangle of dead and dying branches, and there between three conjoined trunks he found his cache, where he kept the tools that had done this.  Branches had been woven and raised and used as wall and fortress, creating a cranny that hid its contents from the dinosaurs and the locals and all other life that might casually pass by, and in this hidden niche were tools and weapons of varying sizes. 

He selected a new (if blunt) machete – of greater size and more sophisticated shape than that which he had used near the stream – and he swung it once or twice, checking it for rot or damage before putting it back at last.  The day was wearing on, and he had long ago cleared this place for his own uses.  It was safe.  It was close.  And he had to hurry, if what he heard was true. 

He had no need for stealth here so close to his goal, so he ran free and fast and uncaring of the snap and twist of twigs or the distant scream of the dinosaurs or the gasp and pound of his vital organs and then ahead was the light, and ahead of the light was the backyard of his house, and out the window was his mother’s voice calling him, telling him he was late for lunch. 


Storytime: The Naming of Tyrannosaurus rex.

August 20th, 2025

Henry Fairfield Osborn, head curator of the Vertebrate Paleontology Department of the American Museum of Natural History, soon to be elected President of the Board of Trustees of the same institution, sat at his desk and considered the world as he saw it.

“I’m real,” he announced. “I’m a real person that really existed. Whoo-eee, I am. I didn’t say this though – or that, did I? I’m also a big ol’ racist and an eager advocate of eugenics. Yessir. Yessir.”

“Mister Osborn,” said Barnum Brown with the sort of patience only available to a man who stared at rocks for a living, “you said you were done with showing instead of telling. That’s why you paid me, remember?”
“Oh! I DO remember!” said Osborn, nodding eagerly. “I paid you a lot of money to go find something we could show the public instead of telling them. I did, I did. ‘Go out there, Mr. Brown, and find me a big beautiful skeleton that we can exhibit to the public and charge them five cents a head to gawk at!’ That’s what I said, didn’t I? Anyways, you’re telling me instead of showing me your own self! Didn’t you find anything?”
“Well, we found something alright, but it wasn’t quite a skeleton,” said Brown. “Nothing like, say, that set of Miocene peccary molars sticking out from under your carpet.”

“Under my wha – ah.”

“Yes, right there. Just give me a moment with a trowel and we’ll have him out in a jiffy.”

“Well done, Brown! Your knack clearly hasn’t faded. So anyways, what’s all this fuss about what you found that wasn’t a skeleton?”

“We found a living, breathing, drinking, eating, defecating, aging, healthy-and-robust living specimen, Mr. Osborn. She’s parked outside.”

Henry Fairfield Osborn, who in a little over ten years would eagerly write multiple prefaces for a book Adolf Hitler called ‘his Bible,’ ran to the window and squinted outdoors. “Ah! So it is, so it is. Good god, Brown, is that thing fifty feet long? She’s taking up a LOT of parking space.”
“Forty at least. We stopped trying to measure her with tape when she kept eating it. That costs money.”

“Sensible, sensible, sensible,” mused Osborn. “And fifteen feet at the shoulder?”

“Twelve foot or so at the hip. Same problem.”
“Remarkable. Well, I’d better describe it then. Fetch me a pen.”

“Sure thing,” said Brown, who had just dropped a lit stick of dynamite into the drawer of Osborn’s desk. A loud BANG emitted, and from the smoke and rubble the paleontologist excavated a pen, some paper, and a perfectly preserved Triceratops skull. “Apologies for the smoke, Mr. Osborn. Had a hunch.”
“Yes, well, these sorts of things happen,” muttered Osborn, scribbling frantically. “HEY, WHOEVER’S LISTENING TO ME AT THIS MOMENT – PUT A STAGE TOGETHER IN THE MAIN HALL, WON’T YOU? Skeletal sketch….eh, that’ll do it for now. Size…..big…bigger than that… sex…. No thank you – hah, remember that one, Brown? Cope taught me that one…. and name. Name. Name, name, name, name. Hmm. Needs something big. Something mighty. Something stupendous in a headline and on a plaque and on a mural. Something that’ll make an artist’s pen shake, that’ll really slice the brisket, if you know what I mean.”
“We fed her fifty pounds of brisket a day to make it home alive, I know exactly what you mean. Swallowed it nigh-whole.”

“Wow, now THERE’S an expense. She ate like a king, eh? Like a king. Oh. Hmm. Hmmmmmm. Yes, I have a name now. RIGHT THAT STAGE UP YET? IT’D BETTER BE, I’M GOING TO BE ON IT IN THREE MINUTES.” Osborn stood up and dusted off his jacket. “Well then, Mr. Brown, how do I look?”
“Like the cofounder of the American Eugenics Society,” said Brown truthfully, now elbow-deep in the wainscoting, hammering away with a pick at the freshly-exposed vertebrae of a pantodont.

“Well yes OBVIOUSLY, but what about right now, at this very moment?”

“Like the cofounder of the American Eugenics society heading downstairs to unveil the greatest and most sensational wonder the world has ever seen?”

“Excellent. Oh and SOMEONE GET ME A CROWD WE NEED AN AUDIENCE JUST PULL ‘EM IN OFF THE STREET alright let’s go.”

***

By the time the two men were downstairs a stage had been hastily assembled along with a crowd – the former by the latter, judging from the audience’s unusually high concentration of burly men with overalls, newsboy hats, steel lunchboxes, and big steel girders slung over their arms. Still, there were more than enough mobsters, molls, dames, wise guys, jabronis, palookas, mooks, hard cases, bad apples, chumps, goons, schmucks, shmendriks, paper boys, shoeshine kids, and guys selling hot dogs out of carts to fill out all the necessary elements of a proper cross section of New York. Already they grew restive.

“’Ey, what’s the holdup?”
“Fuggadabouddit!”

“Hey asshole! I’m talkin’ to YOU!”

“Siddown and shaddup!”

Henry Fairfield Osborn mounted the stage. Behind him, squinting and baring its teeth a little in the spotlights, anchored by comically large chains, stood a forty-foot-plus carnivorous reptile.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” he called. “I am Henry Fairfield Osborn! I am an expert on vertebrate paleontology! I am a head curator at this institution! I am capable of extremely advanced and esoteric pseudoscientific racism and someday very soon, god willing, I will send men to labour under the sun of the Gobi desert in service of those beliefs! And I stand before you now to ask you the most pressing question imaginable: did all of you pay five cents to be in here?!

Barnum Brown coughed.

“Right yes and also I have named the beast behind you – the great and magnificent creature that you all have better have paid five cents to see today – the titan of terror – the fossil that walks – the king of the cretaceous – the monster from Hell Creek – the sultan of the saurian – an animal so powerful and outstanding that I had to use both Greek AND Latin to name it…… Ultimateosauris láktismaclunes!”

Absolute silence reigned.

“’Láktismaclunes’ translates to ‘kicks butt,’ I believe,” said Osborn cheerfully. “Why aren’t you clapping?”

“You misspelled ‘saurus,’” said Brown. He scratched at his hat awkwardly and six opalescent trilobites fell out.

“Youse mugs cans’t even use no dictionary!” shouted someone from the crowd. “It should be ‘κλοτσιάclunes!”

“They’s using the ancient form, ya moron!”

“Aw, blow it out your kazoo!”

“Please!” called Henry Fairfield Osborn, now grown vexed. “Order, people! Despite my firm belief that many if not all of you are intellectually lesser than me by your descent from what I have predecided to be inherently inferior ethnic groups, we are still all Americans and you still all have five cents and because of that we all now can come together in this moment and celebrate my naming of-”

But it was too late. Concealed until now by the cover of the growing hubbub, a rogue construction crew jumped into action, demolished the dinosaur’s comically large chains, and began building the Empire State Building nearly three decades ahead of schedule.

“Stop! Stop!” screamed Osborn, scrabbling ineffectually at the burgeoning foundations with his bare hands. “Brown! Do something!”

Barnum Brown shrugged on his fur coat (sending three Diplodocus skeletons stuffed in its pockets clattering to the ground), lit a cigarette, used that cigarette to light every stick of dynamite in his fur coat, then hurled them all in the air and hid behind his hat.

“You did say ‘do something,’” he said later, when the smoke had cleared and the ceiling had finished caving in. He inserted a toothpick into his mouth and wiggled it with great care and precision.

“Yes,” mourned Osborn, now draped despondently over the ruins of the stage and mopping the dust from his brow with a pocket-sized klan hood, “but something less expensive would’ve been nice. Now we’re all out of anything to show. What will we exhibit, Brown?”
“Well, how would this do?” asked Brown, pulling loose the toothpick, along with two reasonably-complete skeletons of a forty-foot-long hypercarnivorous Cretaceous theropod dinosaur.
“Barnum, you devil – what on earth were those doing in there?”
“Leftover from when we were digging at Hell Creek, I bet,” said Brown, who was gently probing the joint of his jaw for any stray teeth that didn’t belong to him. “I’m a real rockhound, and sometimes I get more than a taste for my work, you know? A dog with a bone, a paleontologist with a mineralized skeleton.”

“Fair enough, fair enough, all is forgiven,” mused Osborn, running his fingers lovingly over the railroad-spike teeth (oh, if his railroad-owning father could see them!). “Yes, and I’ll not misspell the name on this one, oh no no no. Still, it’s a pity to lose the original beast. Did you see where it went in all the hullabaloo?”
“No, said Brown, idly plaster-jacketing and cataloguing the single gigantic footprint that was all the evidence remaining of their brief guest, “but I suspect she’s gone to do the same thing the audience has: build a new life in a new century.”

“But it’s a giant animal loose in the greatest city on earth!” protested Osborn as he kicked the twisted remnants of the chains out the door onto the sidewalk. “It’ll stick out like a sore thumb. No, Barnum, I’m afraid your romantic fantasy is false: it’s simply too unrealistic to be true.”

“Hey pal,” said an irritable pedestrian, the head of a procession of dozens carrying a twenty-foot gorillia in a reinforced steel cage, “We’re walkin’ here!”

“Blow it out your clunes, gentlemen!”

“Only if you yank your head outta yours first, creep!”

“Shaddup! And don’t touch that chain or you owe me five cents!”

***

Regina Clunes (?-1949) was a New York hot dog vendor famous for serving the patrons of the American Museum of Natural History.[1][2] She married Heinrich Adelman in 1909, and the two had six children.[1] Although she was a forty-three-foot-long carnivorous theropod dinosaur from the late Maastrichtian of Hell Creek, it is a matter of taxonomic debate as to whether or not she should be classified under Tyrannosaurus rex or under the nomen dubium of Ultimateosauris láktismaclunes (sic).[2][3][4][5][6]


Storytime: The Stabbiest Show on Slerth.

August 13th, 2025

Anguilliform Bing, maester of Galliform’s Great Gorehouse, the Stabbiest Show on Slerth, stood before the wagonwoman and examined her paperwork once again in service of the escalatingly cheery hope that this would show her that everything was fine.

“-and so if you look right here,” she explained, helpfully pointing with her longest and most fearsome finger, “you’ll see that the name on the paperwork is Galliform, not Anguilliform.”
“Huh,” said the wagonwoman, tilting her head back and forth and squinting. “But it says ‘Galliform’s Great Gorehouse’ on the gate.”
“Galliform was my great-grandmother.”
“Huh.”
“So you can see how this mistake happened?”
“Yuh.”
“And it won’t happen again?”
“Yah.”
“And you can fix it now?”
“Nope, no way. The poliprisoner wagons go out first thing in the morning and it’s nigh-noon; no way they haven’t disembarked already. You’ve got what you’ve got.”
Anguilliform felt a smile she hadn’t used since she was seven (and begging her mother to whip her sister instead) crawling across her face entirely without her permission. “And the fact that ‘what I’ve got’ is sixteen metric gronnes of vegetables, which do not possess arms, legs, blood, or the ability to feel and express pain and fear?”
“Plants can feel pain, insofar as they register damage to their persons and react to it,” argued the wagonwoman. “And they aren’t vegetables. They’re fruit. They’re berries. They’re scabberries.”

Anguilliform’s smile retracted into her skull. “Why are they called scabberries?”
“Well, they’re red and they ooze everywhere if you knock ‘em around too much. Sixteen metric gronnes of them, as delivered. Sign here. In the box that says ‘this shipment was in error,’ please.”

Anguilliform signed it. Then, because there was less than two hours between her and the end of her family’s business, she sat down on the curb, gave her scutes a good scratch, and had three smokes, one after another. They went by too quickly and gave her no ideas. She was contemplating a fourth when her beast handler found her.

“Mom. You’d quit.”
“Don’t tell me you still believe me when I said that, Protanguilla – you’re a grown woman, with the mandibular scarring to prove it.”

“Yeah but you told me you’d quit last night, and it usually lasts a full day. Something wrong with the prison wagon and it’s going to be late? Warping Cough running rampant through the cellblocks and none of the poliprisoners are going to be fit enough to run and hide and fight? City council got coup’d last night and they had to spend all morning reversing who’s on which side of the bars again?”
“No poliprisoners.”
“What?”
“They already got delivered somewhere else. Maybe a farm somewhere. We got sixteen metric gronnes of scabberries.”
“Why are they called sc-”

“I asked that, the answer wasn’t interesting. We have no prisoners for the games and we have sixteen metric gronnes of produce instead. The tickets have been sold out for a month. The stadium is already filling. I think you should change your name and leave town; maybe if I draw the mob to me you can take your kids and your boy and get the hell out of dodge.” She squinted into the sky. “Shit, and it’s so nice out. What a waste of a perfectly good Sunsday.”

Protanguilla’s whole body went limp, but in the relived kind of way. “Oh, that’s good. I was afraid it wouldn’t be a disaster.”
“What now?”
“Y’see, it’s about Roarbald – the rippopotamus, you remember?”
“I spent half our yearly profit buying that thing off the Whippomorphia expedition, you’re damned right I remember. And it’s worth about as much as a toothless bare if we have no poliprisoners for it to eat.”

“Well, good news on that. It’s herbivorous.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“Nope. Turned up its nose at every limb and steak we’ve offered it, but there was some moss growing in its cage and it’s licked the bricks clean.”

“Whippomorphia swore to her mother’s soul that thing killed half her porters before she wore it out. Said it was the most brutal woman-eater she’d ever dared imagine, with a poet’s hunger for blood and the limbic system of a serial murderer.”
“Well, it seems like it’s just an asshole who starts fights for fun. I made one of the feeders stick his hand into the enclosure and it stamped it flat and left it. It’s got to be ravenous by now and that juicy little pile of fingers might as well have been made of dirt and dung.”

“Huh,” said Anguilliform. She realized she was almost done her fourth smoke, and was holding her fifth in her free hand. “So it won’t eat anyone. And we don’t have anyone for it to eat. Yeah. That’s all pretty bad. Not as bad as my thing, but pretty bad.”

A polite cough; a politer tug at her elbow-braid; a plaintive, sorrowful face of a messenger-boy in cook’s colours.

“Beg pardon maester, but Cook says the first lunch orders are coming in and he’s not got a drop of blood or flesh for the crowds yet, and could you please send the meat upstairs before they eat him instead? And he said to say they’ll eat you next.”

“Huh,” said Anguilliform. “Yeah. Yeah, we do usually get the steaks on the poliprisoner wagon, don’t we? Yeah. Yeah.” She nodded, smokes five and six wobbling in her mouth like the useless-ass tusks on her overpriced rippopotamus. “Yeah. Right. Okay, okay, okay. Boy, go tell Cook he can go to hell and ask them to keep my seat warm for me. Protanguilla, you can start running now and get the rest of the family to safety. And THIS fucking thing –” she kicked the wagonload of scabberries, which creaked and dropped one in front of her like an overripe turd “– can stay. Right. Here!”

Her foot came down. The world went red. The world stayed red.

“Mom?”
“Gimme a, a,” Anguilliform smacked her lips to clear the splatter from her words, “a handkerchief or something.”

“I’m fresh from the beast pens, mom.”
“’Or something.’”

A damp mass was placed into her palm. She rubbed it over her face until the world wasn’t red anymore.
“Crisp and crunchy craphouses,” she said, looking at the wad in her palm. “What the hell was this?”
“’Or something.’ Look, it was the cleanest cloth I had on me at work, so if you want to complain, then yo-”

“Not the rag – wait, is that a rag, what the hell is this, wha NEVER MIND, look at it!”
Protanguilla squinted. “What am I looking at? It’s hard to see what it could be under all that juice, it’s goddamned everywhere. You couldn’t have made a bigger mess if you’d torn out your heart in front of oh.”

Anguilliform was smiling without conscious control again. It dripped red at the corners. “Get every strong back you can out here five minutes ago. You got anyone on staff that knows how to fight?”

“Hell no, me and Elopomorpha are the best you’ve got.”
“Fuck, never mind, never mind, you got anyone on staff that knows how to LOOK like they know how to fight?”
“Monotremata, Soricidae, and Pygoscelis,” said Protanguilla promptly. “They’re the cheap hires for the summer – lot of disappointed theatrists in this batch.”

“Same as it was every year,” said Anguilliform. “Get ‘em. And get all your safety equipment. All of it. And some paint.” She slapped her palms together.

The world went red again.

“Fuck.”
“I don’t know if I have another or-something on me.”
“No, no, that’s great. This is good. This is perfect.” She spat, then licked her lips thoughtfully. “And hey – boy! Send the kitchen staff down here on the double. Cancel my previous message and tell Cook he’s got an hour to make a miracle.”

***

By one o’crock the crowd had slipped past rowdy and plunged into the depths of restiveness. That hushed murmur that hinted of eager anticipation turning sourly impatient, teetering towards the first angry shout.

Anguilliform walked out into the ring with the swagger of a woman who was absolutely definitely positively one hundred percent certain she was not about to die horribly and wasn’t bluffing in the slightest.

“Gentleladies and men!” she roared over her megaphone from the bottom of all of her lungs. “Happy Sunsday! Happy Games! And in this moment, we have something a little – no, VERY – special for you! Remember this-” (because one way or another they definitely would, so why not embellish) “-and remember that you saw it here first at Galliform’s Great Gorehouse!”

Then she left through the announcer’s door without running, which took a lot of effort. And as she walked she heard the crowd murmur, then hush, then murmur again louder, louder, into a confused jumble…

Then CLANG.

Dead silence for three seconds, then

CLANG

CLANG

SPLASH

And then the roar came and Anguilliform realized she’d been holding her breath for almost a full minute and started hyperventilating, which made her run up the staircase a bit slower and clumsier than usual. She needed to see what was happening, probably, as long as it wasn’t going to be the last thing she saw in her life.

She got to the announcer’s peephole at the top of the staircase just in time for the end. In the center of the arena, where four dozen swarming, starved, desperate poliprisoners should have been clawing each other to death with blunted knives to see who got to be readmitted to the community, two figures – made giant by their solitude and their bizarre and ornate armour, spiked and fluted and helmed – lunged and swung at each other with impossible, desperate force, each wielding weapons that – even at their ludicrous size – shouldn’t have weighed as much as they made them look, heaving and throwing their whole body weight into every blow. They stabbed and roared and parried and it was the worst fighting Anguilliform had ever seen in her life, just godawful telegraphed showy bullshit and every time a blow was glancing it went

CLANG

like a big clear bell, and when it struck true there was a sudden

SPLASH

of bright red liquid spraying like a hydrant from the wounded belligerent, delivered by one of the ten grillograms of scabberries Monotremata and Pygoscelis were wearing underneath their beast-trainer-suit-with-pans-attached armour. It gushed, it poured, it bubbled arteriously, and it covered up all the smears from the half-dry paintjob on the armour.

The crowd had stopped yelling now except for every time a particularly ‘devastating’ blow landed, at which point they went nuts and threw things. Anguilliform was nervous until she realized it was mostly money, rather than snacks or rocks. She’d have to make sure the cleaning boys didn’t pocket too much of it tonight.

Look at that. Pull a tentative miracle out of a manureheap and at the first sign of it actually working what do you do? Start thinking about the money. Well, that was slumanity for you.

“Maester, you okay?”

It was Elopomorpha, the beast secondhandler. “Yeah. Just, making notes. They rehearsed this?”
“Sort of. A lot of the summer hires said they could do it; they were two of the three that were lying the least; and they hate each other. They’ve probably imagined this a lot.”
A particularly surprising and furious punch crumpled the breastplate of one of the warriors like a food wrapper, soaking her opponent in scabberry fluids. “So, how’s it meant to end?”
“Either one of them stops being able to sell a victory and gives up with style for the love of the show, or she goes nuts at the prospect of defeat and gets herself killed forcing the issue.”

A particularly wild swing slammed into the dirt, spraying both warriors in mud and juice.

“Those aren’t sharpened, right?”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they do nothing.”

“Right. Right. Right.” Anguilliform exhaled. “Hey, you got any smokes? I’m out of smokes.”
“No, sorry maester.”
“Then what the hell am I paying you for?”
“The second act, maester. It’s ready.”
“Is it any good?”
“Only one way to find out.”
CLANG

SPLASH

THUD

The crowd was screaming. One warrior was kneeling. The other was splayed with incredibly pettily beautiful lifelessness over the berry-drenched sands. She saluted three times, stood, and strode away with the weight of the world on her shoulders as six shrouded figures – janitor boys wrapped in dark tablecloths – bore away her fallen opponent.

“Did someone just throw underwear? No, nevermind. If it isn’t good, is it at least ready?”

“Oh yes.” The crowd was already starting to mutter again. Trying to figure out if what had happened was good or bad. That wouldn’t do.

“Then here I go. Don’t wish me luck, we just broke the budget on that. Anything that happens next is entirely our fault one way or the other.”

So Anguilliform walked out into the arena with her head held high like it made sense and she wasn’t a fraud and she stood in the circle of sand that smelled like sweet and sour lies and she said “Gentleladies and men! Did I not promise you something special?”

The crowd called back, which was good. It was cautiously enthusiastic, which was better. “Well, you haven’t seen it yet! For our second act, our animal feature – one never seen before outside the wasted woodlands of the far west! A creature so deadly, it crushed no less than seventy-nine porters, armswomen, and hunters underfoot before being laid low through exhaustion! The bane of the bog, the beast that craves death – the rippopotamus!”
Then she turned and left, and although she had to be sure not to walk faster even as the beast gate began to raise as her own door was opened, that was a more normal and appropriate sort of fear, a regular kind of fear she’d long ago shrunken down from a sharp sword in her brain into a little tickling sliver.

Then she shut the door and burst into a sprint up the stairs and shoved Elopomorpha loose from the peephole at a flying (sliding) tackle, because she really, really, wanted to see this.

She was just in time. The rippopotamus had stepped into the ring, lured by the promise of sunlight and the relief from vicious stabbing by long iron spears at its most tender (relatively) haunches. It stood there, and for the crowd, for a moment, that would be enough. Ten metric gronnes of flesh and bone and hide and tusk blinked as it made eye contact with several thousand confused but cautiously enthusiastic slumans.

And then, right at the moment of uncertainty, the squeak-squeak-squeak of another gate being raised. Unoiled, uncouth, unused, unasked for.

The service entrance. High and wide and big enough to bring in a dung cart and a flesh wagon and a cleaning squad, shoulder-to-shoulder or stacked one atop another, all at once.

Or, in this case, an entire covered delivery wagon. The sort poliprisoners were kept in.

It trundled into the arena under the power of two teams of shorses that were blinkered and earstopped and probably had been doing this job long enough that they wouldn’t care even if they weren’t, and the sight was just ridiculous enough that a little nervous shudder of laughter flicked through the crowd like a snake fleeing through the grass. The driver did not share in it. Anguilliform would’ve berated her daughter for her lack of showmanship if she didn’t know that there wasn’t anyone else that could pull this off. It was a very, very, very stupid idea that could go wrong in many ways, only one of which would be entertaining.

Protanguilla’s cheeks puffed. It didn’t mean much to anyone sharp-eyed enough to spot it, but Anguilliform knew her daughter and knew her trade and knew her tools and knew the plan, which was that she’d just blown the whistle she’d stuffed into her cheek before the show began. Silent to slumans, but audible to some.

The rippopotamus reacted in the one way it knew home.

The resulting chase started out terrifying – the speed on that thing was a shock if you hadn’t seen it move before – descended into farce – the sheer number of hairpin turns you could execute in a delivery wagon before it got too ridiculous to be funny was higher than most people would’ve guessed – and concluded in a precisely aimed tragedy, when Protanguilla ‘accidentally’ let the wheel of the cart clip the wall during a wide turn.

She leapt. The shorses shrieked. The wood splintered. The rippopotamus did not stop. And oh, but oh, but oh the spray and the splash of red when it opened that cart, tearing into the bright, bright red blood and seizing and raising high the helpless form of a big wooden barrel, full of oozing scabberries.

Its jaws tensed, bulged, clamped, and crunched – and berries exploded everywhere. And although Anguilliform hated to interrupt this moment, it was come clean then or not at all.

“That’s right, folks!” she screamed, megaphone slapped against the peephole. “Just because the cart was short on poliprisoners doesn’t mean it has to be short on violence – and just because it eats fruit doesn’t mean it can’t crush with the best of them! And you too can take a crush of your own – lunch is open! Hit the stands and grab a cruncher of FRUIT BLOOD!”

Then she dropped her instrument and doubled over, wheezing so hard for so long that she couldn’t hear anything but her heartbeat. Then a gentle tip-tap on her arm.

“S’good?” she croaked up at the slightly perturbed face of Protanguilla.

“Yeah. Jammed my arm and one of the shorses got its foot peeled off by a wheel. Expected we’d lose all four.”
“How’s Cook?”
“Selling crushed scabberries and juice in a mug filled with ice,” she said flatly. “If it works, I’m amazed.”

“Good.”
“Yeah. You should quit.”
“Maybe six was a lot. Before all the yelling.” Anguilliform wheezed. “But you know. What I think?”

“We didn’t blow the biggest day of the year entirely?”

“I think we learned. A lot today. Death is scary. Death is amazing. Death is addicting… but you know what? It’s too realistic to be entertaining forever. Fake is sexier, and sex sells.” She took a deep breath. Her lungs were working again. Back to normal. “Proty, run down the address of the farm that grew these things. We’re going to be keeping them in business for the rest of our lives. And cancel our poliprison contract. If this works out, we just quadrupled our net.”

***

The Planetary Museum of Sluman Rights is hereby dedicated to the memory of ANGUILLIFORM BING, an early advocate for the compassionate and humane treatment of prisoners. Centuries ahead of her time, we look upon her brave and selfless efforts to reform the bloodthirsty entertainments of her era in favour of peaceful stuntsmanship as among the first steps leading to what we know as the Sluman Rights Revolution.

“There is no day so dark that there are none who may dream of light.”


Storytime: Tricks.

August 6th, 2025

It was six in the morning when Lunk the Large received her visitor.

“Just stopping by to pay my respects to my favourite niece,” said Trickster, with a winning smile. They did everything with a winning smile. Life could turn up heads or tails for them, but that grin would call it good-enough every time. 

“Unh-huh,” said Lunk, who had made enough coffee for three people and wasn’t about to share any of it, even with relatives. “And what do you want?”
“Just a little thing, just a little thing,” said Trickster. “You see, my back is aching and sore today-”

“Someone beat you up for being a tricky jerk, huh?”
“-from all the injustices and ingratitude that the world heaps upon me-”

“More than one someone.”

“-and I was wondering if I could ask you, my most favourite niece, to do me a solid and take up my burdens for the day. All you have to do is wander around and look out for troubles and be tricky. Just one day!”

Lunk glared at her relative over the rim of her coffee pot/mug. “There’s a catch. I’m not agreeing to anything until you tell me what the catch is. Tell me what the catch is now or I’m not buying it.”

“I’ve packed you a lunch and I’ll give you my nice hat.”
“Sure, what the hell, might as well.”

***

So Lunk put on Trickster’s hat (which was very nice) and took Trickster’s satisfyingly-hefty bag of lunch and set herself on the road, stomping along with the force and fury of a bad mood poorly expressed. So it was unsurprising that when she came across a small, hapless doll lying in the road, she kicked it.

It stuck to her foot.

“Geddouttahere,” Lunk snarled, and kicked again.

It remained stuck.

Lunk said some uninventive and universally competent curses and pulled the doll free from her foot. It immediately stuck to her hand, which made sense since it was covered in pine resin.

“Get OFF,” said Lunk, and she punched it with her other hand. Which then stuck to it.

“Aha!” cried the two large, hulking thugs lurking in a nearby ditch, as they leapt free of their hiding place. “You’re caught! That nice hat can’t save you from revenge this time, you tricky jerk!”

“Wasn’t me,” said Lunk. “That was my relative – I’m filling in for them.”
“Close enough for vengeance’s sake. Now we’re gonna kill you slowly and gruesomely in the way you despise most! Any suggestions for how we can put an end to your life in the way you’d least prefer?”

Lunk blinked slowly and looked around her.

“Huh?” she requested.
“Tell us how you don’t want to die, so we can kill you that way,” the slightly smaller of the two men explained.

“Yeah,” the slightly larger of the two men agreed. “Just pick something. Like being eaten by sharks.”
“Or devoured by ants.”
“Or being thrown in that briar patch over there.”
“Yeah, that’d be awful. I hate briars. I can’t stand going anywhere near ‘em.”
“Me either. I’d do anything before I’d set foot in that briar patch, even if the person I hated most in the whole world was in the middle of it. Say, by being thrown in there by a pair of gullible rubes.”
“Yeah. So anyways, tell us how to kill you. And no tricky business!”

Lunk’s eyes shifted between the men, her hands, and the briar patch with the care of tweezers and the speed of a continental plate. Then a slow smile spread across her face.

“I got it!” she announced proudly. And she reached out with both gluey hands, ripped the briar patch out of the ground, and smashed it directly into the faces of the two men.

***

Anyways after that Lunk found herself hungry. And tired, and thirsty, and gluey, and covered in briar-scratches (especially on her hands, which were as much rosebush as they were flesh by this point), but she couldn’t do anything about any of that stuff, whereas she DID have a packed lunch.

She opened it. Inside was a large plain-grey stone, and a stewpot.

Lunk nearly succumbed to her first instinct, which was to throw the stone away, but as her arm reached its apex, she hesitated (and luckily, her hands were still gluey).

“Wait,” she said, and a slow clever smile crept over her from face to feet. “I remember them telling me about this trick. I can do this.”

So she stamped into the next village she saw and walked up to the first home she saw and slammed her knuckles into the first door she came across until someone peered out of the window and asked “why are you knocking on our cellar door?”

“Never mind that,” said Lunk, holding up the stewpot. “I’m making stone soup. You want in on this?”

“Stone soup?” said the villager, peering into the pot. “Doesn’t sound very tasty. Or nourishing. Are you trying to trick me into feeding you? No, I think I’ll pass.”

“Nah, it’s great,” said Lunk. “Really filling, really tasty. It just needs some ingredients to bring out the flavour a little. Got a spare carrot?”
“Well, I suppose I could spare a carrot,” fretted the villager. “But no more. And I’ll bet my neighbour could spare an onion, and her neighbour could spare a potato, and their neighbour could spare a rabbit, and –”

“Great!” said Lunk happily. And she pulled the stone out of the pot and clonked the villager over the head with it. Then she went inside, knocked everything around until she found the bag of carrots, slung it over her shoulder, and walked next door with a whistle on her lips and a carefree heart.

“Hey, wanna get in on some stone soup?” she asked. “I heard you got onions.”
“Stone what?”
CLONK.

***

Lunk sat in the village square, stone soup sat on the ground before her, stone at her side (now lightly scratched from contact with many skulls of varying sturdiness), flint and tinder in hand, and a long, monotonous list of curses in her mouth.

“LIGHT,” she snapped for the hundredth time, and for the hundredth time the flint did not spark. “Why won’t you light!”
“Nice of you to ask that question!” croaked a passerby, half-propped-up in his doorway to cradle his throbbing head. “Because it’s your fault! You and that fancy hat of yours! Last week you talked us into tricking the gods into accepting hide and bone as offerings while we got to keep the meat, and you cheesed them off so much they’ve rescinded fire! Now NOBODY can have a warm meal, or a light at night, or anything to keep away the chill of winter.”

“That wasn’t me,” said Lunk. “That was my relative – I’m filling in for them.”
“Then it is your family duty to mend what your kin’s rashness has broken and trick the gods to bring fire back to the world!”
Lunk stared blankly at him.

“Or you can’t cook your stone soup either,” he added.

“Which way’d they go?” asked Lunk.

“Up yonder mountain, tallest around. The manses of the gods are at its peak, and in the grandest manse of their ruler lies fire, held in a brazier, and –” but Lunk had already departed, stamping along faster than ever, her foul mood made worse by her scraped hands and growling stomach and the way that the mountain insolently rose ever-higher underfoot and overhand until at last she was heaving and crawling and lurching her way above precipice after precipice and then she was above the cold, above the snow, and in the golden glorious vineyards and palaces of the gods, rising up in tier after tier like demented wedding cakes until they reached their culmination in the grandest, goldenest, gaudiest manse of them all, which was that of the ruler of the gods. Behind its silver gates lay a sealed vault, within that sealed vault grew a garden of stones, among that garden of stones was dangled a bronze chain, inside that bronze chain was cradled a brass brazier, and inside that brass brazier was a glowing ember of fire, the last in all the world, which danced and smouldered quite prettily when Lunk smashed through the brazier with her fist and clasped it tight.
“Gotcha!” she shouted in triumph. Then “gah, hot!” and then “ow, hey!” and “OUCH” and similar things with much less politeness. The harder she swore the faster she swung her hand; the faster she swung her hand the hotter the fire burned; the hotter the fire burned the harder she swore.

“DAMNIT!” she shouted, and tried to put it out by slapping her other hand atop the blaze. The gummy pine resin caught aflame. “DOUBLE DAMNIT!” she said, and tried to slap her burning hands against the walls of the stone garden, the sealed vault, the mansion, and its silver gates. They caught fire too. “TRIPLE DAMNIT.”

Lunk ran through the mansions of the gods, waving her burning arms and shouting and slapping beauteous architecture that transformed itself piece by piece into new burning things for her to shout and slap at. Many of the gods followed her lead, and soon the mountain was in such a commotion that one could scarcely hear or see anything, which Lunk claimed justified why she accidentally ran off a cliff and slid down the entire mountain, still shouting and waving her arms. This rush of wind also stimulated the blaze on her arms to cover her whole body. “QUADRUPLE DAMNIT!” she screamed as she ran through the village, setting alight her stone soup, the houses that had donated to it, the gardens that had been raided for it, the briar patch she had used as a flail, half the fields, half the woods, and the shallower part of the lake before she could wade out into the deep end, where she sat underwater until the sun went down and she was tired enough to go back to bed.

Still hungry, too.

***

Trickster stopped by the next day. Not so early; nine AM.

“I burned up your hat and lost your stone soup,” said Lunk, who was halfway through enough coffee for sixteen people (and enough burn cream and antibiotics for thirty-two, plus six sets of tweezers). “Sorry about that, but your job sucks and nobody likes you.”
“Oh, that’s alright,” said Trickster. “I have other hats, and I have other stones. And now that they’ve had a bit of a break from me, I have a hunch everyone’ll be a lot more forgiving of my tricks for a good, long while.”


Storytime: The Bricklayer’s Third Son.

July 30th, 2025

Once upon a time there was a bricklayer and a weaver, and they had three sons, and the third of those sons knew his place in the world quite well.

“Mother,” the third son would say to the weaver, “please be sure to give me the smallest portion of food at mealtimes. I want to be sure my brothers grow up big and strong while I stay small and humble-looking.” And though this puzzled his mother she loved her family greatly, and so did as he requested.

“Father,” the third son would say to the bricklayer, “please be sure to scold me often for laziness and lack of diligence. I want to be sure I am the least of your sons in your eyes.” And though this puzzled his father he loved his family greatly, and so did as he requested.

Then after some time passed the bricklayer became very ill and died of the Squats, which was considered tragic but not all that unusual, and the time came for his children to inherit much of his property.

“Brothers,” the third son said to his siblings, “please be sure to take up ALL of father’s estate and possessions – his worldly belongings, his wealth, his home, all of it but these two humble bricks from his work-table. Do not let me have a single thing besides – this is important! And if you would mock and jeer at me and drive me from this place now, it would be much appreciated. I shall now seek my fortune.” And all of that made no sense at all to his two older brothers, but they were already sick at heart from the death of their father and were in no mood to gainsay the heartfelt requests of another member of the family, so they – carefully! – cursed him and – gently! – beat him about the head and – politely! – threw him out into the woods with only a torn shirt and the two humble bricks from his father’s work-table for company.

“Excellent,” said the third son with great satisfaction as he rubbed a palm over his bruises. “All is proceeding precisely as I wish. Now I have but to find some lost traveller in need of assistance, and my fortune shall be made whole and entire and real.”

“Hello,” said an old, old, old woman, who was bent double from weariness in the ditch nearby. “Could someone please show some pity to this lost traveller in need of assistance?”
“Truly wonderful,” said the third son. “I will do so, old, old, old woman, for although I am but the humble third son of a bricklayer with naught to his name but these two humble bricks from my dead father’s work-bench, I know that I will always assist those in need!”
“Oh lovely,” said the old, old, old woman. And though the bricklayer’s third son was somewhat bruised and somewhat small and humble-looking, he was still a bricklayer’s son and she was as light as a hollow-boned little bird, so carrying her to her home took little effort.

“This may surprise you,” she said after she had been placed on her own two legs once more, “but I am in fact a powerful worker and sculptor of magic, and I wish to reward you. Would you like wealth? Jewels and gold are trivial for me to grant you.”
“No!” said the third son readily.

“Would you like titles? A snap of my fingers and a dozen armed men will serve you; a great house and servants will thrust free of the wilderness for your use.”

“No!” said the third son easily.

“Since you are so (suspiciously) modest and humble, how about if I just enchanted those two equally-modest-and-humble bricks of yours? I can make it so they might build anything you wish so long as you continue to stack them atop one another.”

“Yes!” said the third son promptly, with a grin so wide it might have been called – on the face of a less small and humble person – a leer.

“Then it will be done, and my debt is settled and our bargain is made,” said the old, old, old woman, as she spat on her palm and gently tapped each brick once with her long, long, long forefinger (which was crooked besides). “Go now, and do great things.”

“Indeed,” said the third son with deep and all-consuming glee. “Indeed.”

***

After the third son of the bricklayer left the home of the old, old, old woman behind he walked with quick feet. Destiny was pulling at his soles, dragging him closer and closer to that which he sought, and before nightfall had come he saw it waiting for him beside the road: a bent-backed farmer, stooped low besides the crumbling remnants of his field.

“Ah, traveller, would you by chance have pity in your heart and a need for an afternoon’s pay?” he asked. “My field is picked clean by animals every eve, and I need assistance in putting up a fence – even one of simple sticks would do. Please, lend me a hand.”
“I shall do you one better,” said the third son with a smile. “In exchange for a fine meal and a place to sleep for the night, I will build you a stout brick wall before the stew is done cooking.”

“That would be a cheap price indeed for such a miracle,” said the farmer, “but I will accept your help at such a price regardless.”

So the farmer went to the woods to cut sticks, but while he was doing so the third son took the two humble bricks from his pockets and began to stack them, one atop the other. He did so once, then twice, then thrice, then thrice again, and by the time the farmer had returned with the few meager limbs of wood the forest nearby could offer him the third son had laid a foundation halfway around the field and was working on getting it up past chest-height.

“Why, a miracle indeed!” said the farmer. “I will race to get that stew done for you.”

“Too slow!” said the third son, and indeed it was, for he was done his work on a proud and high brick wall around the field long before the stew was ready, and spent the rest of the evening relaxing.
“Would you like to marry one of my daughters?” asked the farmer the next morning. “You are a maker of miracles, and a hard worker, and they have told me small and humble-looking is pretty easy on the eyes.”

“I thank you,” said the third son, “but my fortune lies elsewhere. Only give me some better clothes, if you have them – mine are worn to tatters.”
“I’ll give you my best,” vowed the farmer. And so he did, and so the third son walked down the road in fine clothes with all his bruises well-rested and fading and the two humble bricks in a nice leather pack. He travelled all afternoon at unhurried pace until he saw a despondent noble sitting at the roadside, surrounded by his household.

“How fare you, noble traveller!” cried the third son.

“Pretty poor, thanks – though not as poor as you, by the looks of things,” replied the nobleman, sweeping a tired but critical eye over the third son’s accoutrement. “Were your clothing a little more dusty and tattered I’d think you some insolent peasant, rather than an upstanding man down on his luck for the moment. Alas – ordering the thrashing of a reprobate might alleviate my despair and sorrow.” And his critical eye drifted lazily over his household, which all shuddered away from it.

“What troubles your spirits so, noble traveller?” asked the third son forthrightly.

“My manor has been swallowed by a bog,” said the nobleman moodily. “It was a fine building about so-and-so on one side and such-and-such on the other and of about this many stories in height. The architects told me that would be safe and stable, even on such unsteady ground, and so I have had them put to death. The tatterdemalion fools did not even think to warn me not to coat the entire building with gold lest it offset the weight, can you believe it?”
“I cannot,” said the third son sincerely, “but I can believe this: I can replace your sunken and swallowed manse today, for you, by myself.”
“Insanity,” said the noble promptly. “Lunacy. I am eager to watch, and when you fail, I shall be eager to have you decapitated. Goodness knows there’s nothing much else for a nobleman to do in a swamp.”

And so while the nobleman was fanned and fed fine fruits the third son took the two humble bricks from his pockets and began to stack them, one atop the other. He did so once, then twice, then thrice, then thrice again, and by the time the nobleman had flogged his fourth servant for mishandling a plate the third son had laid the foundations for a building about so-and-so on one side and such-and-such on the other, and was already stacking higher.

“My gracious and my oath,” said the nobleman, nearly falling into a socially appropriate swoon. “I can scarcely believe my most astute eyes. But what if it can’t be gilded?”
“Have no fear!” called the third son, “I will fill the swamp itself!” And indeed he did, for by evening’s time he had not only completed the building to a height of about-this-many-stories (roof and all) but he had filled the swamp bottom to top with sturdy bricks and turned it into an elegant courtyard fit for a fine dinner party, which he and the nobleman shared while his household was busy regilding the premises.
“I suppose I can host you for the night, in spite of the state of your wardrobe,” mused the nobleman. “Is there anything else I can do for you? Executing someone, ideally; but there’s always gold and property.”

“I thank you, but my fortune lies elsewhere,” said the third son. “A sack full of stones from the drained swamp is all I ask.”
“How excitingly unreasonable,” marvelled the nobleman. “Someone will do that. Now go to bed so I don’t have to look at you anymore.” And someone did, and when the third son left the rebuilt manor that morning he did so in his (somewhat dusty) fine clothing with two packs: one leather and holding his two humble bricks, and one from woven gold holding a large collection of swamp stones, knobbly and easily clutched in a knuckle-grip. He walked all morning until he heard distant cries and lamentations, then he smiled and broke into a run, and at last he came upon a troubled city from which anguish and terror radiated like licking flames.

“Help!” called the citizens. “Save us!”

“I shall, I shall,” whispered the third son, hungry and through his teeth. “Just find me your mayor.”

“Here!” called the citizens, “here!” The city’s mayor came, pale of face and bulging of eye, with a cut dribbling fresh blood down his cheek.

“We are besieged,” he explained. “A terrible giant has built a fortress on the hill above us, and from there he flings flaming boulders into town unless we meet his demands and feed him our children. His walls are impenetrable, his aim is perfect. We cannot stop him. Can you? You don’t look like much, but we’ll try anything.”
“Absolutely,” said the third son. “Only give me some lunch. This will take a bit of work.”

“We can spare it,” said the mayor. And they gave the third son a full satchel, and so he walked towards the hill that the giant’s fortress squatted upon with a vibrant heart and a singing step.

But he did not walk all the way. Halfway there he stopped, and he climbed a tree, and he made note of the fortress’s height (great) and its sturdiness (formidable) and the arcing force of the giant’s fiery boulders that issued forth from its ramparts (perilous). Then the third son laughed, and he took the two humble bricks from their pack, and he began to stack them, one atop the other. He did so once, then twice, then thrice, then thrice again, and thrice again, and thrice again, and thrice once more, until he had built a tower higher than any tree, higher than the hill, higher than the walls of the giant’s fortress, and he could see all the way down into the giant’s war-parapet, where he was quenching his thirst between volleys with a huge pitcher. The giant had six arms and three heads, and each begrudged the other two their turn to sip, so it was in the spirit of mischief as much as experimentation that led the third so to aim his first rock so that it shattered the giant’s pitcher.

“Ho!” shouted the giant’s first head, pointing accusingly. “This thing is empty! One of you greedy louts drained it before my turn!”
“Not so,” countered the giant’s second head, raising a clasped palm. “See, I have broken pottery in my hand here – one of you must have broken it with your clumsy fingers.”
“Ah,” declared the giant’s third head, gazing upwards. “I see the problem. While you two are bickering, someone has climbed up above us and is throwing stones. A cheap trick.”
“What?” asked the giant’s first head.

“Gnrk,” said the giant’s second head, lolling back with a small swamp stone lodged deep in his brow.

From there the battle began in sharpness and earnestness, and for every stone that descended from above six fiery boulders left the giant’s six palms. But fiercely though they flew they did so in defiance of gravity, while the third son’s made it their happy ally, and so in each exchange all six shots bounced and cartwheeled harmlessly down the long, long sides of the third son’s mighty tower while his single stone inevitably struck the giant on hand, on palm, on wrist, and on foot. So dwindled the giant’s ability to strike back, then his ability to flee, and at last when he laid groaning and broken on his parapet down came two last stones – plunk plonk – onto each of his remaining heads, shattering their crowns and killing him entirely.

“Ah,” said the third son, sitting back in satisfaction, and he took a moment to consider his situation. It was not quite noon, he had ample food, and he had a bag of stones that was still more than half full. His smile was wide and broad and totally genuinely and very awful.

“THIS,” he said, “is my fortune at last.”

Then he plucked up a stone, aimed, and fired. Thunk, and down went the mayor of the city.

“That was for speaking so undeferentially to me, when I might have saved you!” shouted the third son. Aim, fire, thunk and down went the nobleman in his manor, before he could finish his afternoon drink. “And that was for considering me unsightly!” he laughed. Aim, fire, thunk and over went the farmer in his field, back bent farther than ever before. “That was for giving me such poor clothing!” he called. Aim, fire, thunk, and in the old bricklayer’s home his oldest brother fell backwards at his workbench. “And THAT,” mocked the third son, “ was for mocking and jeering at me! Whether I ask it or no, I need not tolerate such any longer!” And he laughed and cheered and sat down for a good long lunch and when it was done he took a long nap, for he had risen early for three days of travel.

While the third son of the bricklayer slept, his second brother sat down by the road and cried for a while, where an old, old, old woman found him.

“Hello,” said the second son, rubbing his eyes clear. “Can I help you?”
“I’m actually doing alright at the moment,” said the old, old, old woman. “But you look troubled.”
“My older brother was just struck down by a stone from the sky at our father’s work-bench,” said the second son. “My poor mother has just had our father pass on and seen our youngest brother demand to be driven out of house and home, and now this – what will I tell her? What will I do?”

“Hmm,” said the old, old, old woman. “I think I might know the problem, and I think I might have caused it. As such, I will fix it.” So she spat on her palm twice and tapped her long, long, long (and most crooked) forefinger on a small egg she took from her pocket, and she gave the egg and two small pieces of fruit to the second brother.

“Put that in your brother’s mouth,” she told him, “and place this egg in his pocket. Then if a stone strikes him again, put the second piece in his mouth. And don’t worry about whatever happens next. It’s not your fault.”

The second brother was troubled a bit by the implications of this, but not as much as he was troubled by anything else that had happened that day, and so he did as he was told, and how astonished he was when his older brother’s eyes opened once more and he groaned as though he’d drunk too much, rather than because his skull had been perforated. But joy overcame shock, and by the time the third brother was awake and stretching his arms atop his lofty tower he was himself astonished to see that his oldest brother was not dead at his father’s work-bench but was happily stacking bricks in his yard.

“What?!” he shouted. “I threw true! I always do! There is meddling afoot, and trickery, and that is NOT appropriate – I am the third son! I am the trickster, the meddler! I am the one who receives his fortune! This is NOT ALLOWED!” and so saying (and spitting [and spiting]) he took up another stone and cast it down, down, down all the way to his older brother, who fell dead just as he stood up for his work, landing face-down in the dirt atop the bricks and cracking open the egg in his pocket.

The egg hatched. What came out was not a bird, but it was shaped something like one, although it grew much more quickly. With its first breath it was the size of a songbird, with its second it was the size of a turkey, with its third it was the size of a human, with its fourth it stood as tall as a house, and then it took a great final breath and leapt into the air with a great push of its powerful clawed wings, long neck straight and beak clattering. It spiralled up, up, up into the air, following the disturbance left by the passing of the swamp stone, and it circled the third son’s tower like a vulture above a corpse.

“Ho! Get away! Shoo!” called the third son. “I have felled giants uglier and more powerful than you! Shoo!” And he threw a stone, but for such a big animal the not-bird was quick, and it moved its long, long neck ever so slightly and the third son’s stone flew harmlessly away. This angered him and his second try was hastier and less aimed yet, and the third worse on both accounts, and on and on until his golden bag was empty of swamp-stones, then his satchel of lunch, then his sturdy shoes, and still the great not-bird came closer, its beak snapped more hungrily, until the third son of the bricklayer felt true, cold fear crawling up his back with its clawed feet for the first time in his entire life, for although he had planned and schemed past many obstacles to MAKE his fortune he realized that he had never thought for an instant as to how he might KEEP it. It was the dread of those who have much, and it struck the third son like a snake-bite, and in that moment he did what those who feel it always do, which was the most-immediate, least-sensible thing, and he reached into his leather pack and pulled out one of the two humble bricks and he threw it at the not-bird.

It caught it in its mouth and flew away.

The third son stood there for a moment, not sure of how he felt. Then he realized something awful, and could not help but look into the leather pack.

There was but one humble brick in there, and it was not stacked atop another. Not once. Not twice. Not thrice.

And so, in short and sharp suddenness, all that the stacking of the two humble bricks had wrought became unwrought. The farmer’s brick wall fell away as if it were made of hair-thin twigs; the nobleman’s new manor slid ripplelessly into the swamp; and the great and tall tower of the third son – beneath his very feet – was gone.

The air beneath it, however, was not. Nor was the ground far, far, far below that.

***

The first and second sons of the bricklayer (after a second bite of fruit for the eldest) did well enough, and married the two orphaned daughters of an elderly farmer from down the road.

The nobleman’s household took the leftover gilding from the sunken manor and moved to a nearby city, where the head cook became mayor.

The giant’s fortress was never visited by any except the most brave and most-dared children that crept to its closed gates, who claimed to hear dreadful clacking and clattering noises within, as if the giant were clapping a pair of giant shears together.

The humble bricks were placed in the old, old, old woman’s garden, where she used them to prop up her bench.

They laid side by side, of course. She didn’t need more of THAT foolishness.


Storytime: Where Wolf?

July 23rd, 2025

I came down late to breakfast, and boy was that a mistake. The novices were squawking, the brothers were fussing, and the abbot looked fit to explode.

“-delinquency will NOT be excused by such wild stories!” he shouted. “Now give me the REAL answer!”
“It’s true! It’s true!” squealed the youngest – a deeply unfortunate young man with a deeply fortunate face currently contorted into desperate panic. “He left to the toilet – he screamed – he never came back! That’s all I know! That’s all I know!”

“I DID hear that scream,” chimed in Brother Theodore helpfully. “I was up checking my onions. They need the night air, you know.”
“Thank you, brother,” said the abbot between his two largest teeth and nothing else. “That is very helpful. But given the evidence we have – a missing novice and a scream – and the evidence we lack – any proof of malfeasance or wrongdoing – I think we can -”

“It was full moon last night,” blurted out another one of the novices.

As one, every face in the hall turned to face me, my hand still on the bannister.

I sighed.

“Well!” said the abbot pleasantly. “Isn’t it fortunate that we have an animal expert and proven werewolf-hunter in-residence? Someone pack Brother Simon a snack for the road; he will be making his trip to the village early today.”

***

It was a bright, beautiful morning and I hated every minute of it. I hated the clock-clock of my shoes against the road; I hated the warm sun in my eyes and the cool breeze sending creeping gooseflesh up my legs; I hated that I hated the half-mushy apple I was eating instead of breakfast; I hated that last summer I had visibly expressed satisfaction over proving that the ‘werewolf’ that had killed a sheep was the abbot’s favourite dog; I hated that the abbot was getting less and less subtle about how much he knew about the bottle I picked up from the pub every fortnight; and I especially hated that I probably could’ve avoided all of this if I had just woken up on time.

A bird chirped brightly from a nearby bush. That kept me committing blasphemy in my mind all the rest of the way into town, where I saw an unusual sight.

The wrong kind of unusual.

No concerned shepherds, no pale-faced parents, no angry mobs demanding a scapegoat and justice. Just a village of farmers and pilgrim-bilkers, making their livings and glancing occasionally at the irritated lump of monk standing in the walnut-shaded center of village square and peering suspiciously at everyone. And, of course, the loud man hunched double on the roof of the pub swearing and slamming shingles into place with a hammer and a bruised thumb

“Morning, Brother Simon,” said the man at the bottom of the ladder.
“What gives?” I asked him.

“Eh?”
“Forget about it. Passing thought. How’s business?”

“Oh, it’s absolutely crazy. Jean’s spent more time with his feet on roofs than with them on the ground since last night. Dunno what it was up there, but it had sharp toes.”
“Huh.”

“So…werewolf, right?”
I gave him the stare of a man who’d eaten a mush-apple for breakfast.

“Sorry, sorry, just figured, you know? Just figured.”

“Yeah.”

“Still… dogs can’t climb houses.”

“Thanks. Can I have one of the old tiles?”

“No problem!”

I cursed him and muttered a little prayer for his soul, which probably broke even. Thus spiritually neutralized, I sat under the walnut tree and checked rooftops.

One. Two. Three. Four. More. Every building in sight had either a freshly repaired roof or some sort of odd scarring adorning its eaves.

I looked at the tile in my hands. ‘Odd.’ That was the polite way of saying ‘clawed.’ Something big – really big, with sharp nails – had scuttled over this and it hadn’t been shy about it.

I groaned and threw back my head in frustration, looking up at the picked-clean branches of the walnut overhead. If there was an honest-to-god werewolf out there I’d have to move. I’d have to leave. Hell, I might have to abandon my vows and go be a knife-grinder; anything but live in the same building as the abbot. It was a grim, inescapable sort of thought that held me close to its breast as it dropped into the abyss, and accordingly I decided to go to the pub.

***

Bret jumped when he saw me. He was a big man; it took a lot of force and it made a bit of noise. “Brother Simon!”
“Bartender Bret.”
“You’re here early. Weather’s ah, nice for it, isn’t it?”
“Probably. Surprised you’d call this early, though, what with all the racket you must have heard all night.”
“Oh yes, oh yes. Terrible, terrible. Jean’s giving us all deals – real neighborly of him – but still, ah, the expense, the expense! Always a terrible thing, a surprise cost. Any chance I can rely on you to recoup a little of my misfortune, brother?”
I smiled. “You know, you just might. Two this time, I think. I’ve got a headache to make up for.”
Bret beamed like a bear ass-deep in honeycomb, and he left to fetch the bottles so excited and relieved that he didn’t even hear my weary footsteps as I got up and walked around the bar.

“Boo,” I said.

To his credit, the missing novice didn’t scream. This was because he had stuffed both his hands in his mouth down to the knuckles.

“Oh Christ, get out of there. You’ll chew a thumb off. C’mon, up you get.”
“Imnotgoinback!” he squeaked, arms shaking, fingers nigh bone-dry despite their recent place of residence.

“Slower, please.”

“I’m not, goingback, I can’t, I won’t, i-”

“Okay, good. Now clearer, please.”

His mouth opened and shut in an agony of indecision.

I sighed. “Look. Bret’s going to be back in three seconds, with two bottles. We’re opening one. There’s time.”

Bret poked his head up from the cellar and went through a series of emotions.

“There, y’see? Just like I said. Hey Bret, you had a friend of mine staying over. Feel free to sit in on this.”

***

The novice shook like a leaf until three glasses in, which was pretty impressive. I didn’t aim for style in my drinks; I went for efficiency.

“I’m going home. I can’t go back,” he explained.

“So you’ve said.” I was on glass four, but I had more practice and I knew I could handle it and most importantly I really really needed it.
“I, I went to the bathroom. That was all. Nothing else, I wasn’t stealing from Brother Theodore’s garden or, or sneaking into the kitchens or climbing the wall or ANYTHING. That’s all I was doing. I was halfway back when it happened.”
“And what happened?”
He stared into his glass. I nodded at Bret, who – still-reluctantly, but apparently now believing I wasn’t going to burn the boy at the stake – filled it. The novice did not register this. He was looking somewhere farther away than the table.

“Something leapt at me,” he said, slowly and carefully. “From behind. I kicked loose and ran and I glanced over my shoulder and I saw hair and FANGS and I screamed – just once, because I needed to run. I couldn’t not scream, you know? It just shot out of me. And then I ran, and I ran, and every step I ran it was right behind me and it chased me right out of the abbey, right through the front doors and halfway down to town before I couldn’t feel its breath on my heels. And when it stopped it, it made the most horrible call.”
I sighed and slumped in my chair.

“Sharp. Quick. Furious.”
I unslumped and unsighed. “Wait, what? Not a howl?”
“No! No. I don’t think I can forget that noise, EVER. It’ll be with me on my deathbed if I live to a hundred.”

“What was it?”

He took a breath, then spat it out.

I stared at him.

He stared back.

Bret stared at us staring at each other.

“… is that okay?” asked the novice.

“Yes. From most angles it makes no sense at all, but I think I see one where it fits a bit too well.” I stood up, half-empty bottle in one hand. “Bret, I’ll be leaving my second sample with our mutual friend here. I’ve got to go back. Fast.”

“What’re you going to do?” he asked.

“Confirm a hunch. Too many things add up just wrong.” One of them struck me as I put a foot out the door. “By the way… Bret, when did you harvest that walnut?”
“The tree in the square, brother? Never. Nobody eats from it. Bad luck.”

And because nobody eats them and everyone’s eyes are on the roofs today, nobody’s noticed. Oh no. “Thank you, Bret. If I never see you again, you should know that you were the only reason I’m still alive and sane for the past twelve years. Make sure he doesn’t finish the bottle in one go, okay? Got to run.”

And I did. At least for most of the way. Time was wasting – had been since before I got up today. But I might still have just enough.

***

The abbot didn’t come to his door at the first knock.

“Perhaps we might-” said Brother Theodore behind me, and while he was saying that I pushed it open. It took some effort since there was a lock in the way, but it was more of a formal barrier than a real one and the cheap clasp burst loose from the firm wood with a quick crunch.

There were six large and surly brothers behind me who would probably have something to say about the destruction of monastic property. As the door swung wide, they immediately found higher priorities than myself.

Abbot Alvin was an arrogant, high-handed, peevish son of a bitch. He also lived only somewhat more smugly and less frugally than was technically expected of a  man of his station. His furniture, his writing desk, his bedframe, all were well-made and solid and only mildly adorned. If he had more than the monks under his care, it was comfortably debatable how close it came to extravagance.

Every single wooden item had been shredded and reduced to slivers and splinters. In the center of the room the abbot himself blinked and sat upright, nestled in the midst of a sea of woodchips and some fuzzy lint that might once have been a blanket.

“Brother SIMON?” he asked, and the outrage was there, but it was off. He was upset I was there, but not as upset as a man whose subordinate had just broken his front door should be.

Got you.

“I left the village early,” I explained. Move on, before he takes the focus anywhere but himself. “Bet you expected me to stay out of the way while you cleaned up. Nice redecoration.”
“The missing novice, I came upstairs just now and found that, he must have-”

“He’s in town. Has been since last night.” No sense giving someone rope to hang themselves when they might use it to get a grip instead. Let’s keep him flailing.

“You can’t prove that!”

“Something chased him out. Know anything about that?”

“Wild nonsense! You, you yourself proved it! Werewolves aren’t real!”
“Didn’t say anything about werewolves.” Time to make the play. “Know anything about this?”

The abbot stared at the little walnut in my hand like I’d kidnapped his daughter. “Give it,” he whispered.

“It was hard to find; something cleaned out the whole tree. Know anything about it?”
“It’s not yours you can’t have it.”

“Sure, what is it?”
“It’s mine.”
“Why?”
“MINE!” he screamed, and he leapt – and really, really leapt at me. From across the room, a standing start, and as he leapt he was furred, and striped, and he hit me all needle-claws and furious anger and indignation, tail bristling above us both like a little flag as I fell flat on my back in the doorway, staring up at a pair of insulted eyes in a very different context than usual, perched above razor-sharp and saw-sized incisors.
““CHIP-CHIP, CHIP-CHIP, CHIP-CHIP!” he screamed.

And about then was when the two brothers on the stairway who’d been holding onto the abbot’s dogs let them loose.

“CHUCK, CHUCK!” he squeaked furiously. Then he spun on his heel and leapt out the window, exploding outwards in a haze of glass shards and outrage.

I laid there. The dogs were barking out the window. In the distance, the abbot was chipping furiously. And above me, the round, puzzled face of Brother Theodore gently intruded. All of these things were difficult to contemplate.

“Do you suppose,” he asked carefully, “that he will be coming back?”
I shrugged. It hurt. Those little claws had been sharp.

“Well, I suppose we can put up screens to stop him creeping indoors. And put a lock on the novice’s quarters, so he won’t chase them out.” He frowned, an uncanny expression on him, and his voice dropped to a whisper. “There is one thing that’s troubling me, though…”

“Shoot,” I croaked.

“…do you think I shouldn’t have fed him that walnut tart last month? I didn’t know that tree was so contentious, and when I went to look for new produce there were so many of them just CRYING out to be picked up, and well. Waste not want not?”

“I do not think,” I said, “that anyone is going to blame you for turning the abbot into a were-ground-squirrel as a result of feeding him cursed walnuts.”

“Oh yes, of course, when you put it like that.” He reached down and helped me up. “But still, one likes to be certain about things.”

“Yes,” I winced as I was towed upright, heels slipping through the mess of strewn wood fragments. “Especially with chip-monks.”