jamieproctor.ca

Bigger than five, less notable than ten, not as round as twenty.

-Prancing, pirouetting pachyderms.

-Ice cream that’s hard enough to chew and good enough you want to take your time doing it.
-Mixed nuts without raisins. 

-A cool breeze on a warm day
-A warm sun on a cold day.
-Impractical jokes.
-Multitudes of millipedes.  Not centipedes; those are awful.  Millipedes are alright. 

-Fascination. 

-Things that writhe without losing their ability to be adorable.  Think puppies or snakes; probably don’t think maggots. 

-Treemendousness. 

-That isn’t a typo.

-Seeing more things that change your perspective of old things that make you reflect on new things that leave you blindsided by yet more things.

-Creatures that are whale-like in ecological niche and possibly behaviour while not even remotely being whales at all.  Particularly if they can’t swim. 

-Unorthodox juice.

-Secret forts in forests, made from forests, for forests.

-Stout, sturdy cupcakes with good solid butter icing that’s had a chance to set to be almost crunchy but not quite.

-Anything starting with p that’s pronounced as a t.  Pterosaurs.  Ptarmigans.  Etc. (not etc)

-Cloning dinosaurs at all. 

-Clowns appearing from the left of me valiantly protecting me from the Joker who is standing to the right of me. 

-Missing a limb and then finding someone else’s.

-Pangolins.  They’re very handsome.

-Animals doing normal jobs.  Only as long as they agreed to it and are being fairly compensated for it, though.

-Feathers being scales that went weird; I just like that being real and accurate, it’s very cool. 

-Arch things.  Archways, archmages, archives. 

            -But NOT archbishops. 

-Whales going whaling for whalers.  Wailing optional.

-Gooses bumping.  Also flailing.  Screaming.  Smashing.  Furiously pummeling.

-Unconventional teas (bone; cryptid; ultraviolet) served in deeply conventional containers (world’s best dad mug; don’t even TALK to ME before I’ve HAD my COFFEE mug; mug turned illegible by time and dishwasher, etc.). 
-Vermin.  Especially the small ones.  Verminimals. 
-Salvation through procrastination. 

-Clicking and clacking. 

-Approachable, friendly, and completely unintelligible skeletons. 

-Ports fitted for unconventional traffic e.g. giant sea turtles with submersible capsules strapped to their backs; tiny planets in big buckets; shark embassies; sea tigers; ocean-travelling moose flotillas; dolphin dreadnoughts, etc.

-Continents that are not lost, merely temporarily misplaced.

-Z as a sudden and unexplained substitute for S.

-Largeness. 

-Smallness.

-Extremely mediumness. 

-Parrot parents.  Especially if they’ve been vocally trained on terrible sitcoms. 

-Cities built by things that don’t have hands out of stuff that won’t hold together in places where nobody can live.

-Earl, who links URLs.

-Franklinstein, the series of children’s books about a young turtle sewn together from the shattered fragments of dozens of turtles harmed by careless drivers and how he tracks down his murderers and strangles them. 

-Unobtrusive hats.

-A big stupid superhero fight where someone’s big stupid supervillain machine shoots a big stupid blue energy ray into the sky and it knocks down a passing satellite and squishes everyone involved. 

-Artificial intelligence that is exactly as dangerous and powerful and clever and useful as the intelligences that created it. 

-Meteorologists forecasting meteors. 

-Thick thickets. 

-Foods that become appetizing when mashed, pounded, or seared. 

-Alley alligators, particularly without warning. 

-Every novel way found to pronounce the letter ‘y.’
-Elephants that never forget, but may sometimes forgive, and will often forfeit. 

-Mammoths standing near sauropods and feeling at peace and content with themselves and life.

-Continents we used to have that we only vaguely know.  Remember Rodinia?  Me either. 

-Plugs that make very satisfying noises when activated.

-Self-awareness that rises to the point of understanding that sometimes you need more than just self-awareness.

-Switches that not only flip, but also flop, and can do so repeatedly. 

-Flies that won’t fly. 

-Mighty fortresses built with immense skill and planning using the finest materials and the most cutting-edge science that were so good at what they were that they never once actually had to be used. 

-Eighty-one.

-That particular day in spring when the rain hits hard right before the sun comes out and then every single plant goes absolutely apeshit. 

-Something for nothing, and nothing for something. 

-The tall heeding the small. 

-A bed you can’t get out of but you don’t want to.

-Dogs that, after hundreds of years of diligent breeding, stockkeeping, and effort, are very bad at everything they’re meant to be doing. 

-Unauthorized vowels used without restraint or remorse. 

-Cottages.  But only if properly dilapidated, cheap, and broken-down. 

-Wriggly’s Believe It Or Slip The Knot.

-Fields sown with things that should not in any reality sprout but do (dragon’s teeth, turtle shells, pepper flakes, etc.

Once more, therefore.

-Angry avians. 

-Really large and very dangerously sharp feet. 

-The pitter-chatter of tiny geeks.

-Reptilian recalcitrance. 

-Corrosion defied. 

-Tumbletrees. 

-Trains that are actually animals but are still trains. 

-Smackups and smacksideways.

-Crispy crunchy foods and/or critters. 

-Blimps.

-Crop cycles.  Not crop circles, those are wasteful. 

-Nonsense with a good beat to it that you can tap your foot to. 

-Any of those shapes with more than twelve sides that get increasingly ridiculous names. 

-Clams that have been tickled pink. 

            -Consensually.  Unsolicited tickling can turn red without warning; never do it.

-Primitive graphics cards, chiseled out of flint, obsidian, and horn. 

-Rebroken bones.

-Neither voting to fail nor failing to vote.    

-Cheesy romance stories between cheesy cheese-covered objects. 

-Clicking.

-Lost things (cities, continents, buttons, etc.) that are allowed to stay lost in peace instead of going through all the fuss and ruckus of being found. 

-Rushing reeds. 

-Syncopated sharks. 

-Cloning dinosaurs harum-scarum

-Thunderous whose. 

-Canyons.

-Can beans. 

-Yoghurt

-Your gut.

-Kind vultures. 

-Mininificence

-Fountains without frontiers or fences. 

-Garlic.

-Futures imagined by the past to take place in the present. 

-Rolling without rocking. 

-Birds of preyer. 

            -Birds of preyest. 

-Shoeflies, in pies, before your eyes, fun little guys, wearing red ties, in a disguise,

-How-to books that also explain why-to and when-to.

-Tubas used for unorthodox purposes such as weaponry, aerosol dispersion, home, etc. 

-Old ugly computer technology in that middle period between being industrial equipment that filled a barn and looking like a smooth manufactured product, when everything was boxy and somewhere between off-white and beige. 

-Syntheseizures. 

-Baked products that are NOT products they are labours of love and joy damnit.

-Bushes with ambushions and drive. 

-Clutch clucking. 

-Truth with an absence of the snide.

-Grumpy gibbons galumphing gloomily.

-Ambivalent teeth. 

-Sunset in the woods with no way out and no light and no thoughts.

-Just kidding.  Sunset next to the woods with a nice drink and some snacks. 

-Prehistoric life that is lively. 

-Cakes with just a little bit too much icing but it’s not fondant so it’s delicious and you don’t mind. 

-Clutching claws that cling and creep.

-Dodging bullets in fast-motion, which is much harder than slo-motion but easier than normal-motion. 

-Plump little marmots. 

-Tea with extra yu and ess. 

-Unreality succumbing to the crushing weight of reality to thunderous applause. 

-Witches that live in towers, wizards that live in huts, dragons that live in castles, and kings that live in caves. 

-Feet used as hands.

-Or the other way around. 

-Figure skaters of speech. 

-Balls on the base with not a field in sight or on site.

-Very large and very precise numbers for very ridiculous things. 

-That sad brass instrument noise a film makes when it fizzles out and stops working. 

-Abrupt crumpling without warning or apparent cause. 

-Kringle.

-Shark tanks, missiles, air support, and artillery. 

-The only thing to fneer being fneer itself. 

-Ancient landscapes that are imagined as being 50% volcanoes, 50% ferns, 50% tar pits; 100% lazy uncited tracing. 

-Sudden and extraordinary thorns. 

-Gravey. 

-Regarding Ron.  Regarding Ron run.  Ridiculous. 

-That little popping noise when you pop your mouth. 

-Animal houses and animal housing. 

-Slapdash haberdashery. 

-Machine failure-to-learning. 

-A semi-colon; as long as it’s not extraneous. 

-Drooping and defeated finance-men. 

-Blank ammunition used to fill in the blanks. 

-Blackberries.

-Most berries, truth be told. 

-Thunder without lightning, it’s very very frightening. 

-Careful folds. 

-Scottish folds.

-Overcharging, but not fiscally.

Still happens.

-The durdliness of youth. 

-Unnecessary spikes, when placed side by side with necessary spikes.

-Jujubes.  Not the objects, the word.  So round. 
-Rumbling, rambling, rambunctious rhinoceroses. 

-Cloning dinosaurs hither-thither. 

-An unmourned lack of bananas. 

-Prolonged cackling.

-Not prorogued cackling.  Very different. 

-Sawbones that saw bones but never sawed the bones, only saw them. 

-Dropping the ball and just walking away.  Damn thing can pick itself up if it’s so super important.

-Piddly tiddlywinks. 

-Islands.  They’re very neat. 

-Parallel evolution of the useless and weird. 

-Big brass brains. 

-Falling, freely. 

-Stonemen rising up against the stickmen to break their bones, because their words have never hurt them. 

-Aprons being completely distinct in every way from a prawn.

-A complex system of drydocks and shipyards for crafting, servicing and repairing giant ammonites, horseshoe crabs, trilobites, jellyfish, etc.

-And the large offshore batteries responsible for keeping away rogue giant sea turtles. 

-Crunching. 

-But not as much so as cronching. 

-The use of bone, soft tissue, keratin, etc. to produce something that isn’t teeth but functions similarly and looks disturbingly like them. 

-The triumph of the gelatinous. 

-Many, many, many, many, many toboggans. 

-Skipping stones to pick up sticks instead. 

-Gregorian choral nose-humming. 

-Titanic bumblebees.  That, for some reason, produce normal amounts of honey. 

-Whale harpooning.

-To be clear: whales, harpooning.  The other way around is mean-spirited, but I think we can all agree that they deserve a turn

-Unorthodox monumental building materials.  Ice, living trees, fossilized vertebrae, nonfossilized vertebrae; dentures; yarn, etc.

-The Great Coupon Coup of ‘52.

-Clipping, pruning, picking, tweaking, filing, and nudging. 

-Unnerving norms. 

-Plates that are also sort of dishes. 

-Dishes that are also sort of plates.

-But not sporks.  Too on the nose.

-Things that miss being on the nose but succeed in being on the ear, eye, chin, etc.

-Revealing reverberations.

-Too much that just isn’t enough. 

-Valiant spiders.

-Noble centipedes.

-Valiant spiders and noble centipedes feuding to the death over petty and inglorious greed as encapsulated in William Shakespeare’s Macbeth. 

-Nothing that can’t be fixed. 

-Fixed things that can’t be not. 

-Peaceful and friendly supernatural cannibalistic entities that provide valuable services in recycling nutrients and fortifying the soil while preventing the spread of disease by consuming the dead with their giant fanged maws. 

-Gauzelings. 

-Something for nothing after years of nothing for something. 

-The basiled-up files of Mrs. Mix E. Frankweiler.  They smell nice. 

-Skipping on sunshine.  Such a waste to just walk on it. 

-Minced, chopped, and reduced oaths. 

-A broken promise, reglued. 

-Wartsing Matilda. 

-A good old-fashioned dust-down dust-up dust-a-bit-to-the-sides.  Nothing cleans out a room like it. 

-Glowing things. 

-Animals that enjoy rhythm. 

-Robustness in the fragile. 

-And fragility in the robust. 

-Things with melted cheese.  Most of them, really.

-Benevolent generosity from rodents towards their lesser primate kin. 

-Prim prime primate primates.

-A nice homely carcass with room for the whole family into retirement, a fixer-up that really rewards putting in that extra gnawing and jointing. 

-Coollusion. 

-Anti-royalist rumbles.  Let’s put that crown in the ground.

-Sustained ravenousness.  

-Turned worms.

-Glorious undersea civilizations that go unnoticed because they’re populated by flatworms, nothing but flatworms, vast and breathtaking vistas and thronerooms and parliament halls and monuments lost to time because come on these are flatworms the  entire city is like nine metres square and made of mud it’s really not that worth looking at. 

-Trees that have renounced the violence that is their birthright that now live in peaceful communes, sharing the sunlight, water and soil nutrients equally so that all might grow in harmony. 

-Chipmonks in their chipabbeys, bowing their heads in little chipcassocks as they chant chipgorian hymnals to chipgod. 

-Drawn-out lullagoodbyes. 

-Cold breezes on warm days.  Keeps the sun from getting cocky. 

-Conjoined cojones. 

-Screaming woods.  No whispering, no murmuring, just screaming.  Animals, plants, soil, everything.  All screaming.  At all times.  Without stopping.  Forever.

A hundred and twenty percent.

-Wruggling worms. 

-Exactly twelve Mississippis. 

-The tickling of trepanation. 

-Many many many many many many many many many many many many MANY marine reptiles. 

-Oh and throw in plenty of placoderms, please. 

-Rigorous rigmarole. 

-Hopping mad.  Not leaping or jumping or bouncing, hopping.  There’s a distinct springiness to the heels. 

-The helpful, polite, and maximally-decomposed undead. 

-Tiptoeing through any non-tulip plants.  Why should they get special treatment?

-Bopping. 

-Knee jerks. 

-Ruthless, tough, pragmatic, hard-choice-making decision-making that completely and utterly yields worse results than asking nicely. 

-Unruly deep-sea organisms. 

-Incalculably dubious decision-making by nonsapient organisms. 

-Manglegement. 

-Dorks without borders. 

-Bumptious bumblefucks. 

-Cretinous architecture. 

-Skeleliters. 

-Hoots without hollers. 

-Roburstness. 

-Cloning dinosaurs argy-bargy.

-The chitinous crunch of a good crisp French fry. 

-Turdbulence. 

-Survival of the flabbiest, as fitness is contextual rather than generic. 

-Discourteous, apathetic, or outright hostile service.  It shows fighting spirit. 

-The bitter-shed tears of defeat in the face of the universe’s bland refusal to grant ice cream. 

-Crawling without skin. 

-Giblets.  The more gruesome, the more glorious. 

-Food.  In sufficient quantities to prevent starvation, it’s even better. 

-Freshly shelled and steamed crabapples, with plenty of melted butter. 

–Australopithecus africanus.  Say the name, go on.  It’s just so crisp. 

-Rumbling clouds, floors, animals, vehicles, guts, etc. 

-Excessive gravity.  Lacking or present. 

-Tiny little adorable sidekick species in bio-essentialist fantasy settings that seize control of the means of production and utterly shellack the hell out of the protagonists before forming a fair and representative government for mutual protection with whatever species the protagonists were going to butcher the hell out of for ten thousand pages over six volumes. 

-Curds. 

-Oiled butter. 

-Vigorous and unusual venoms, especially if they were intended to just be saliva before things got spicy. 

-Corbies.  Not crows, just corbies. 

-Corbiebars. 

-Scandalous tell-all biographies of very, very, very boring assholes. 

-Micro megas. 

-Cowpokes getting fatally poked by cows.  Leave the damned cows alone, they go through enough already and the only joy they get is passively poisoning us with methane. 

-Nourishing and delicious morsels, tidbits, and bites. 

-Or a big bag of crunchy potato chips. 

-An early lunch.  Be right back. 

–

-That’s better.  Where were we?

-Atypically vast things. 

-Typically vast things.

-Vast things. 

-Anything that manages to be precisely neither larger nor smaller than a breadbox. 

-Because then you can put it in your breadbox. 

-People that are wider than they are tall.  Not necessarily overweight, just tremendously wide. 

-Also, people that are extremely thin back-to-front.  Think like gingerbread people. 

-Actual crows in the crow’s nest, persisting despite all attempts at removing them. 

-Inactual crows in the crow’s nest, persisting in the face of all reality. 

-Pooridge.  Particularly if it’s rich. 

-Assorted jams. 

-Unsorted jellies. 

-A giant and totally crammed cupboard with god knows how many kinds of pickles in it, all heaped up willy-nilly. 

-New newts in old boots. 

-Rumpling the perfect.

-The wind in the whackamoles. 

-Unwarranted rambunctiousness in the face of the old. 

-Overly permanent structures carved into icebergs. 

-Hobbit holes.  But not hobbits, classist little British bastards that they are. 

-Wonderful days with no neighborhood.  It’s a little too bustle-y for my tastes. 

-Snips and snails saving puppy-dog tails. 

-Sugar and spice, which are, in and of themselves, everything nice. 

-A nice crisp cup of crepuscular. 

-Violent, sudden rotations. 

-Planets that know better than to let themselves be explored. 

-The inevitable march of time and its ability to erase all things for good or ill. 

-Kittens.

-Robust and reliable community support systems with no stigma against their use. 

-Small and incompetent birds. 

-Mellow predators that only disembowel if teased. 

-Relaxed megafauna that only tramples when photographed. 

-Eager and obnoxious tourists with a penchant for selfies. 

-Instantaneous evaporation. 

Inevitably.

-Warblers that whistle instead.
-Tides. The moon’s giving the planet a wedgie.
-Beating your teeth.
-Fiscal irruptions.
-Cloning dinosaurs toot-sweet.
-Muttering maples.
-Working on the rail road for a sensible portion of the live-long day under safe conditions for good pay and benefits.
-Tic tac rock.
-Relaxed chanting.
-Braggadocio within boundaries.
-Voraciousness without visciousness.
-Hollering hawthorns.
-The road more traveled undergoing unannounced renovation and causing all manner of ruckus.
-Fish and ships.
-Absolutely terrifying butterflies.
-Roaring rowans.
-Valleys inside valleys inside valleys.
-Rippled chips and chipped ripples.
-Screaming slippery elm.
-Incredibly foreboding, rune-carved and deeply eldritch fans, air ventilation grating, emergency exit signs, safety railings, etc.
-Ornery oaks look basically whispering willows are FAR over-exposed okay?
-Absurdly gentle and tender mantises.
-The songs of the manatee.
-Festered feverlings.
-Mixing up files.
-Jasmine jam.
-Creaming. As long as it isn’t corn.
-Moxie minus mayhem.
-A discrete and tasteful quantity of shark.
-As long as it’s sharken not stirred.
-A murgatroyd that dares dream of more on earth than under heaven.
-The boundlessness of bluntness.
-Crisses without crosses.
-Biscuit hold the bisc.
-That 1994 ruling that explicitly and forever struck down that goddamned ‘Air Bud’ clause.
-And the subsequent closing of the ‘Air Budgie’ loophole.
-Killer krill.
-Killer krabs, by contrast, are kontinually, kumbersomely overdone. Kruddily.
-Archers arpeggioing.
-A song of sixpence, sang without rye.
-Goes nicely with four and twenty blackbirds on a power line screaming at you.
-Entirely innocuous squids that would just like some fish – or, failing that, to be your friend.
-Borf.
-And, more situationally, Borph.
-But not Borphe.
-Curmudgeonness.
-Crawling, but with dignity and a bit of self-awareness without self-deprecation.
-That little catch when you drop from a chuckle into a chortle.
-Heartwarming made-for-TV family-friendly whole-some minty-fresh machine-washable dramas about friends coming together to overcome the terrible addiction that is carbon-emitting fuels.
-The Early Cretaceous. It deserves more attention.
-Sassafracas.
-The trickiest, stickiest wickets in all the thickets.
-A million pounds of kilograms.
-Or the other way around. Not picky.
-Everything and anything, but not nothing.
-Mutually-unintelligible rudeness.
-Any architecture involving giant turtles. Foundation, ceiling, financial backer – not picky.
-Forkshakes.
-Spoondaes.
-Knife cream cones.
-A million liters of water right in the face.
-Grizzling on bears, beards, and attitudes.
-Vaulted computer banks.
-Rocks with these tiny little bits of moss and lichen on them.
-Many if not all reptiles, sorted by weight.
-Conglormlessness.
-Just the kitchen sink by itself absolutely without any other objects or considerations. In solitary splendor.
-Everything else and also the bathroom sink. Or everything but the bathroom sink.
-The successful expulsion of humanity from the Great Apes by a three-to-one majority. A wise decision.
-Worst fears realized, anticipated, and harmlessly defused.
-Dried foods with lots of flavour on ‘em.
-Ants outside pants.
-Or ants with their own pants.
-Ralphs.
-The corralling and hogtying of the lonely goat-herd as an avalanche-prevention measure.
-The rise and fall of December. Soon it will be done.
-Unpopular pops.
-Rhythm without reason or humanity.
-The oncoming icebergs of our times.
-The final revenge of the penguins.
-And many more, unforeseen.

This can’t possibly be right.

-Awe-inspiring and wondrous power held by single-celled organisms that don’t know or care about you, where ‘you’ is anything eukaryotic.
-The biggest breadth of breath a beard can bring.
-A hot cup of donut with a nice crisp joe.
-Lawns left to their own devices which grow beyond all sense of proportion.
-An astute Stuart.
-Crime time.
-Dedicated and loving spiders.
-Especially if they bring you your slippers without prompting.
-Evil old men that on the inside are just evil.
-Pigs that are smart enough to turn in their trotters for gallopers.
-Or, as we know them, galoshes.
-The mediocre white shark.
-But not his shitty politics.
-Neo-deconstructivist grumptasia.
-Where there’s a whisk, there’s a way.
-Cynical chain-smoking detectives that retire while they’re still fairly young and inexperienced because of all the lung damage.
-Retro-zeerust.
-Or as it may also be known, tsureez
-Clerks and quarks.
-The place where all those eggshells go.
-Loud wig van beet oven.
-Lost plateaus where ancient forms of life live in prehistoric splendor, as long as those ancient forms of life are really boring and uncharismatic.
-A reuben without a crust.
-Guttural rumblings.
-Which are distinct from, yet closely related to, ‘grumblings.’
-Bigness. The more relative, the better.
-The inability to be choked STUPID WINDPIPE.
-Tisk tocks.
-The oldest story of all: humanity’s eternal quest for meaning and understanding in a unicycle that is indifferent to them.
-Durdling.
-The complicated and sophisticated desktop ecosystems of unread letters and bills, which are slowly perishing as a result of mass email production.
-Kindly clawing.
-Burlap, as long as there are no burrs in it. And that it isn’t on a lap. Actually, forget burlap.
-Understanding between people that although they may appear superficially different, it is their deep-seated awfulness that makes them the same.
-Rugosity.
-The crucial yet understated importance of the distinction between ‘vicious’ and ‘viscous.’
-Things that glow for no good reason.
-The many names and norms of the alpine frog.
-Twuzzlers licorice. I still can’t believe they lost out to that knockoff.
-Meaty molluscs.
-That noise you get when you find one of those old coiled-wire doorstops and give it a good yank.
-The greatest gyration.
-Anklelosaurus, leglosaurus, and kneelosauruses.
-Making a wishbone.
-The ruthless song of the rogue keet.
-Reunification of brush and bush.
-Tickling tyrants.
-A real good solid CRUNCH all caps maybe even bolded. Too big for punctuation, too.
-The depths to which you can sink if you’re properly trained and hold big weights on the way down.
-Ripples. They’re very pretty.
-Reteething.
-Warbling willows.
-Cloning dinosaurs hurdy-gurdy.
-Crumpets, but uncrumpled. It’s tricky to do, but if you use a small enough screwdriver they’re delicious.
-That place down by the coast where all the little jetstreams flow together into the jetriver and drain into the jetgulf.
-Gradual and highly tentative action sequences. Especially if two of the participants bump into each other and stop to apologize.
-Overstuffed bookcases. A lot healthier than overstuffed pets, too. Garfield is not reality.
-An unsensible chuckle.
-An insensible chuckle is pretty good too, but it’s very different and somewhat risky.
-Rap scallions.
-A creative curse that doesn’t fall back on cheap irony.
-Speaking of which, pricy irony.
-Bearing your teeth.
-Hearing about tape from anywhere but Scotland. Share the spotlight a little you hogs.
-The mole as a unit of measurement.
-A little less inspiration and a lot less concentration.
-Wrinkly fruit.
-Idiot wolves howling at the sun like some kind of imbeciles.
-Longer walks on fewer days with less purpose.
-The expulsion of ‘quik’ because you don’t need to save one letter that badly.
-Sure locked homes.
-A small ruckus.
-Counting systems that prefer acids to bases.
-Wrangling anything that’s wriggly.
-Up.
-Down
-All around.
-And a partridge in a decade’s-worth of pear trees.

I refuse to stop.  You shall suffer as well.  Suffer by looking at all these awesome things that you aren’t.  If you are, please disregard this.
-Snips and snails and killer whales.
-The surety that your body is not a temple. Your temple is part of your body. Geez.
-Many hams making much warmth.
-The arc of the universe bending into a long middle finger.
-Cloning dinosaurs hurly-burly.
-Flopped flips.
-But not flipped flops. They are very distinct.
-The angriest manatee.
-Unspangling banners.
-Don’tdecahedrons.
-Counting backwards, sideways.
-The prettiest smiles with the ugliest teeth.
-Crumble.
-A soft, serrated, saurian susurrus.
-Pepper and salt.
-Or just pepper.
-Not pep, though, that’s completely different.
-Songs of sevenpence.
-Live, thrashing weight with plenty of life in it yet and a whole lot of bad attitude.
-Very fierce little things with very soft little feathers.
-The kind of legs that just won’t quit because they’re supported by rigid superstructure and aren’t actually capable of bending that way and besides if their owner lies down for too long they’ll develop tissue necrosis.
-Not having tissue necrosis.
-Really old and outdated websites.
-Really old and outdated books.
-Really old and outdated movies.
-Not really old and outdated views, though. A lot of those are kind of shit.
-Dicing without first slicing.
-Ruffling feathers on birds that can’t give a hoot. Because they aren’t owls.
-Pandas with two thumbs. On each hand.
-Scraps.
-Itchy trigger nose.
-Waste well timed.
-The siren, savage song of the lesser junknado, thundering through the city garbage dump.
-Pre-seqing-prequels.
-Bits without bobs. Seriously, to hell with bob. To hell with that guy.
-Fresh new islands on worn old coastlines.
-The drawn-out whines of plate tectonics.
-Clipping your accent for the purpose of later scrapbooking.
-Paper that’s been folded one time too many. Or too few. Or just right.
-Really it’s just so very satisfying any which way.
-Lunch.
-The others are okay, but let’s be serious: it’s lunch.
-Cleaning a dented surface until it’s spic-and-spackle.
-Being tickled past pink into red and then full-reversing straight into blue.
-Unnecessary crawling, creeping, and sidling.
-Loud mumbling.
-Quiet screaming.
-Just sort of talking in a matter of fact and extremely moderate tone but never stopping for breath until someone forces you to.
-Communism and Capitalism becoming unexpected whacky roommates, launching a hilarious sit-com that lasts for decades and frequently leaves the world on the edge of its seat (and launch buttons).
-The dickens.
-Not Charles. The.
-Eternity rounded down.
-Anything that’s much bigger than it should be but smaller than good taste would demand.
-The fastest feet in the West.
-Gritting your teeth while polishing your smile.
-All things dim and squamous.
-That one moment where a guy looks off into the middle distance with a faraway manly glint in his eyes and his jaw set just so and then he steps in some dog crap and it’s really fresh and makes an audible noise and he flinches before he catches himself while everyone’s looking.
-Gobs of globes.
-Shelves with just barely exactly too many books.
-Failed symmetry.
-That particular feeling you get in your spine right before you pass out. No, not the bad one. The other one.
-Roiling hills.
-Upside-down boats. Only if they still work, otherwise they’re just tragic. \
-Hops and skips untroubled by jumps.
-Anything that a bored cat does. Especially Jareth. Hi, Jareth.
-Whatever series of events led to Jareth being able to read the above.
-Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. Re
-Corroded crapulousness.
-A fierce sort of jam.
-A friable sort of jelly.
-A noncommittal bit of toast.
-Romans that use Y instead of V.
-The freedom to fricassee.
-Actually knowing what the hell fricassee means. Specifically, not in the abstract. Surprisingly rare really.
-Surly sharks.
-Needlessly unsleek, cubular technology. With ugly matte beige coverings.
-Especially when paired with large, bulky, barely-electronic monitors.
-Swallowing your food thirty times before each chew.
-Lavish lipids.
-Serendippishness.

The beach is closed.
Why? Who knows.
It’s nothing that I’d know about.
Was it the sharks? The dogs from the parks?
They did shit a lot, the louts.

The beach is closed.
Well, so it goes.
Never much liked to swim here.
It could’ve been the needles, or the carnivorous beetles.
Maybe both, I fear.

The beach is closed.
No more sand ‘twixt my toes.
Not that there was much left, sad to say.
Half of it was rock, the rest was just blocks
Of compacted refuse, from back in the day.

The beach is closed.
Where will seagulls doze?
Half-filled with trash, half with spite.
That look in their eyes as they came for your fries.
Jesus, that’d give God a fright.

The beach is closed.
Well, that just blows.
There go my plans for the summer.
Where will I go, where E. Coli don’t flow?
Man. What a bummer.

The beach is closed.
Could’ve been the glows
Of strange light, down past the pier.
The places they say, where the fishmen did lay
in wait, to rip, gnash and tear.

The beach is closed.
Well, go with the flows.
That’s what all the others did.
Grabbed by riptides and taken for rides
Down deep, where dark things hid.

The beach is closed.
Unfair, I knows.
It was homely, safe, and cool.
What was the harm, I say, if children did play
A bit close to the sewage plant pools?

I’m sorry to report that I’m still here.  By way of apology, have some things that are awesome.
-Slumping it.
-Willows seizing the winds and launching themselves skywards in a hideous plot for global domination of all that remains landbound.
-Any of the (surprisingly numerous!) tricks, techniques, and know-hows that can be stored entirely inside the human wrist.
-Kronosaurus queenslandicus and its teeth too.
-Quiet superpredators. You know. The discreet ones.
-Sugar-spun, high-mounded densely-wadded bliss. Wrapped around a paper cone for easy handling.
-Alternatively they also have candied cheeriness and that costs way less.
-The facts and the furious.
-Whistling before the graveyard. It gets it out of your system and it doesn’t annoy the residents as much. Really, is a little common courtesy too rare to part with anymore?
-Meeting something with half-force, just in case you need a little extra force later.
-Thrift in bombardment.
-Bombardment for reasons of thrift.
-Really tiny trees.
-Anything that’s ever been sized in terms of breadboxes.
-A rigorous nap following a lazy exercise.
-Rip-snorting.
-But only when done by experts. You can rip your snorts out permanently if you’re careless.
-Survivalist literature professors who know this great little bit of flowing verse with lots of poetic eddas where you can stop and catch a few trout for supper if you’ve got a hook and a bit of string.
-Isolating vim from vigour so we can find out what the hell it is anyways.
-Cloning dinosaurs hanky-panky.
-The intersection of surliness, burliness, and churlishness.
-Physical therapy for crunched numbers that leaves them comfortable with themselves and their bodies.
-Food preparation that involves pummeling.
-Whywolves, whowolves, whenwolves, and howwolves.
-Tocking timebombs.
-That long slow walk up the slippery slope after you go down it. It’s surprisingly relaxing if you zone out and you can completely ignore the weight of the toboggan.
-When the breeze shoots back.
-Volcanoes that spend most of the time rambling ominously.
-Clogged arteries doing a dance. It makes those little wooden clacking sounds against the floor, it’s so cute to watch.
-Well-packed and well-stocked tackle boxes that contain a balanced set of shoves, pushes, and lunges suited to a variety of environments and targets.
-Fungis and fungoils.
-Nothing matters.
-They’re quite harmless as long as you keep them separated from something matters.
-Gnashing of teeth for its own sake with no loud wailing getting in the way for once.
-Organisms that go ‘bloop.’
-Inadvertance.
-Fish that flip around on the shoreline.
-Denticles. They’re like teeth for your skin, why haven’t we tried this yet.
-Recyclable hopes and dreams.
-Dirling whervishes.
-Squamous, eldritch, cyclopean clouds.
-Humankind were never meant to find bunnies in clouds such as these.
-The life acerbic.
-Safe houses for whales to live in.
-With nice windows and carefully-selected krill.
-Warm days with cool breezes.
-And an ice cream bar.
-While walking a puppy.
-And battling a cybernetic chimpanzee.
-Gentle and motherly screaming.
-The parenting instincts of crocodilians.
-Nutrients in unexpected places.
-Ten thousand tons of any given substance.
-Or anything from nine hundred ninety-two thousand to ten thousand and six tons. I’m not that demanding.
-Correct and lavish enunciation of the word ‘euphonium.’
-Stars that twinkle in tandem.
-Thorough wasps.
-Not thorough WASPS though. God no.
-Teddy bears.
-That is to say, anthropomorphized bears that resemble Theodore Roosevelt in both appearance and mannerisms.
-Giants that live in fear of tiny little people getting into their cupboards and infesting their cereal or something or giving them cancer, causing them to buy into a fraudulent alternative healthcare scheme involving spreading useless white powder over their food to drive away the tiny little people.
-The white powder is baking soda.
-Sharks with teething problems.
-A person with teething problems. Specifically, that their teeth are turning into shark teeth.
-A heartwarming family comedy involving a family that gives birth to a small but energetic shark pup instead of a human baby who nevertheless love their offspring and do their best to make her at home in an environment she is ill-adapted to wait a minute this is literally just Stuart Little never mind.
-Stuart Little but with more sharks.
-Boldness going unrewarded.
-Too many books to fill a shelf but just enough to replace the wall.
-Giant fans in creaking, dilapidated genetics facilities in the hearts of obscure rainforests that groan and wheeze when they’re turned on.
-Fifteen pounds of salt on five pounds of food.

Ape shit
Red-hot, with a white, pulsating core that blisters skin and raises the hair on the back of the neck. Lumpy in apparent texture, but closer palpation reveals the ‘lumps’ are actually jagged spines. Smells frenzied, with a nose of piss and vinegar. Frequently used in fertilizing grudges, outbursts, and maniacal sprees, as well as tanning hides. Will cause harm in a private residence without trained supervisors present.

Bat shit
Messy and haphazard, often found in over-complicated winding patterns that suggest several plans went wrong at once. Consistency varies wildly from feces to feces, as well as within that same feces. Smells like primal scream therapy funneled through the nostrils, with a warm, nutty finish. Sometimes used to grow fruits in loops, but largely considered hazardous for human consumption. Do not touch.

Bear shit
Robust, solid and earthy in form, texture, and heft; indubitable in its firmness. Looks exactly like you’d expect it to and nothing else besides. Incredibly strong smell renders it obvious to even the most cursory of inspection. A common and everyday sort of feces that can often be found right where you’d expect it to be – in fact, so often that most people never even bother to verify its presence at all.

Bull shit
Insubstantial and chalky, crumbles at the slightest skeptical touch. Possible formations can include: mounds, mountains, heaps, reams, tons, wads, and truckloads. Scent is arbitrary, but you’ll know it when you smell it. No common household use, but can ‘hive’ inside a willing host, acting as a form of symbiosis: the host animal provides a warm, safe nest, and the feces, when spewed violently, offers a form of basic defense. Signs of bull shit habitation tend to include: slight browning of the sclera, nose tip, and, when smiling or grinning, most exposed teeth. Reviled publically, yet overwhelmingly popular.

Chicken shit
Fleeting and trickly spatters, prone to running. Often deployed in place of urine. Is a key ingredient in many forms of industrial lubricant, but unadulterated usage can result in jerky, awkward movements. Exposure can be fatally embarrassing in serious adults or people who want to be serious adults. Spreads by word of mouth.

Horse shit
Similar to bull shit but more explosive and volatile. Can erupt at any moment when exposed to skeptical inquiry. If left to ferment longer, can detonate into subcritical apeshit. Use tongs, dispose of in a calm, neutral environment and allow a cool-down period before re-exposure to the source of the feces.