A Special-Needs Report.

September 1st, 2010

Hello there, I’m Kimberly Beverage and this is Not Really News: Where the Real Isn’t.  Your usual host Joey Fishlips is on sick leave for undisclosed reasons, and I will be your commentator this evening.  I am being paid a tiny stipend for this that is one-eighth what he would get, but I promise I won’t let the tremendously swelling bitterness within my heart pour out on the air. 
So, today’s first stupid “story,” if you can call it that seeing as it doesn’t even exist, is that someone in British Columbia, Canada, has formed a sasquatch-defamation league to protest the racist use of the slur “Bigfoot” to describe the species of big hairy crazy guys that live in the woods.  Can you believe this shit?  “Sasquatch-defamation league.”  Honestly.  The man, a mister Harry Sole, held a very small press conference that he may or may not have attended according to witnesses, with the audience members puzzling over grainy footage that shows him ambling away from the podium with an odd stride some maintain is not human.  Others insist the entire thing was a hoax, much like the line that good ol’ Joey fed us about where he was going on weekends.  “Seeing a man about a carp” indeed, you filthy weasel. 
Speaking of animals, the new center for the Inhumane Society opened in downtown LA.  “We figured, well, there’s got to be balance,” said founder Platz Roberts.  “Moderation in all things, right?  Right now we have a flagrant disrespect for that, with thousands of professional locations across the country dedicated to comforting suffering animals, while horrifying mistreatment is left to rank amateurs.  I think we’re correcting a very important part of nature here,” he concluded as he teased a large German shepherd with a treat just out of what was proven seconds later to be not quite its actual full reach.  An update: the new LA center for the Inhumane Society has closed on opening day following our interview, as Platz proved unable to drink coffee and work at the same time since his hand was messily removed.  Our condolences, as I think we all know of someone who does nasty things to animals, don’t we, Joey?  Oh wait, you can’t hear me where you are. 
While on the topic of where things are, geographers of the world rejoiced earlier when they realized they had “missed a spot.”  “Seriously, we somehow managed to skip over this little five-by-ten kilometre patch of land somewhere in eastern Kenya like, eighty times in a row,” said professor Arnold Z. Squibbits.  “I guess it was this one guy’s job for a while, and he just got a blind spot.  That happens.  But it just kept happening.  It’s the most evasive and least attention-drawing piece of land I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and even now I’m not sure I’ve seen it.”  Professor Squibbits pointed out that the missing spot was “by no means particularly unworthy of attention.  It just doesn’t, you know, catch the eye.  At all.”  A major land war between Europe and the United States of America is expected to break out within the month for dibs on colonization, enslavement of the locals, and grossly exploitative resource exploitation.  Which reminds me, Joey, what you did to that poor young lady went beyond mere exploitation.  There’s being a prostitute, Joey, and then there’s being a prop.  One implies that you are still a person, albeit one with a shitty career, and the second implies a basic lack of social empathy on the viewer’s part that renders them incapable of seeing people as anything other than things, you monstrous twit
In art, a local lout has produced the world’s most ironic piece of art, a gigantic, poorly-thought-out, self-absorbed painting that loudly acclaims himself as the smartest, straightest-thinking man in the country while depicting him skewering “furreners.”  The art community praises mister Ted Gabble for his commitment to the massive irony inherent in the piece, for which he called them a “buncha sawft pansees” and asked them what the word meant.  Clearly, his dedication to the piece goes beyond its mere creation, indeed, he lives his very life ironically now.  Or so the theory goes.  He may, in fact, just be an ignorant meathead.  Like someone else we all know, who is still somehow making more than I do despite being in PRISON, huh?  How’s that for fairness?  How’s THAT for irony? 
In other unfair news, today some angry old racist was the victim of ageism.  Being overheard making a crude joke at the expense of some people who didn’t quite look like him, he was surrounded by youths who also didn’t look quite like him who taunted him mercilessly for being a “scrawny old bastard” who looked like the lovechild of a prune and an ice mummy.  The merciless discrimination against his elderly status left no mark untouched, down to their mocking of his incontipants-brand adult diapers.  Attempts to defend himself were fruitless; no amount of cane-waggling deterred them, as they simply stole the cane and sold it to buy candy.  When asked for a statement, the elderly racist simply requested that we get off his lawn and gummed our reporter on the upper hip, which he attempted to suckle.  Disgusting, but apparently newsworthy.  Apparently not like what you did with those fish heads, JOEY.  That doesn’t belong on the news but this shit does?  Give me a goddamned break.  If it’s vile tripe the network wants, they can get it straight from the deviant’s fishlips, right here, right now!  Why don’t we do an interview from your cell, huh?
Right, right, sorry.  Anyways, our big item for the evening: the Prime Minister of Canada narrowly survived an assassination attempt while fishing for bass earlier today.  Our extremely invasive and legally questionable cameras caught footage of a scuba diver silently slipping into the canoe and stabbing the leader directly in the spine with a perch, presumably in an attempt to make it look like an accident.  However, he was unaware that the Prime Minister is an emotionless robotic shell, and as such his fish-blade bounced off the cold titanium lying just beneath the official’s pale and artificial skin.  Moments later, the assailant was beaten to death with the bailing bucket.  Although the attempt currently seems mildly humorous it is worth noting that the Prime Minister’s system specs are not optimized for piscine defence, and a larger fish, such as a big pike, muskellunge, or sturgeon could very well have breeched his hull and exposed his circuitry, to the great relief of the population at large and much celebrating in the streets at the end of the steely grip of our robot oppressor.  Try harder next time, please. 

Standard warning that none of this is real, or even quasi-real, yadda, yadda, yadda, with the notable exception of the following news.  JOEY FISHLIPS IS IN PRISON FOR UNNATURAL ACTS WITH A SOUTH AFRICAN HOOKER INVOLVING FISHEADS!  RAW FISHEA

 

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