Once again, it is my birthday, as tends to happen. Once again, I am tastelessly abandoning my duty to hand you something that at least pretends to be content, and shall depart henceforth to bloat on vidjagames and idleness. In return, here is a list of things that are awesome. Probably.
-Manly men who do manly things while secretly wearing pink floral print boxers.
-Dinosaur fossils that have been jam-packed full of extremely hi-tech electronics.
-Irate invertebrates whose gripes are well-founded.
-Someone born in Hawaii who will grow up to be the greatest architect of snow forts ever to live.
-Household chores done in the style of rip-snortin’ 1930s serials.
-The square roots of fictional numbers.
-An elaborate and labyrinthian palace of wondrous sumptuousness made entirely from twigs and used dirt.
-Bears who heroically manage to fight off and kill attacking humans armed only with their paws and teeth.
-Forms of entertainment that get so meta that you’re no longer sure if you don’t give a shit or if you’re secretly intended to not give a shit, in which case you want to care just to spite the creator.
-Danged punk earthquakes that just hang around major population centres, threatening to start something but then running away laughing at the last moment every time.
-Beavers that qualify for the title of Senior Architect that nevertheless still just build stuff wherever the sound of running water is.
-Suspiciously delicious candy.
-The popular conception of the future changing every ten years to something that still suspiciously resembles modern life with more shiny bits and a few aliens.
-Rampant kittens.
-A snailshell large enough to use as a house. Or a house small enough to use as a snailshell.
-That one colour that’s sort of blue but not really and maybe could be green I’m not sure.
-Thugs throwing pies at Superman mean-spiritedly.
-Ancient, powerful, invincible weapons that heroes use to slay just one monster and then stick on the shelf and forget about.
-Games of Scrabble using human tiles that end in bloodbaths over the correct spelling of “Worcestershire.”
-Ancient and depraved cults dedicated to worshipping laundry.
-Clowns that aren’t actually all that scary.
-Stephen King engaging in fisticuffs with Dean Koontz. But only if he wins by picking up Koontz and throwing him out of the ring head-first.
-That sound your knuckles make when you smack ‘em together.
-Monkeys that prefer tangerines to bananas and have been steadily building up to a shooting spree over it.
-Crocodiles that say “crikey” unironically.
-A keyboard God made so large that even He couldn’t log into Facebook with it. That He then uses anyways.
-A sub sandwich the size of the Chrysler Building that wishes deep down inside that it was the size of the Empire State Building.
-Things that are exactly the same size as a bread box.
-A man holding a spleen raffle for charity.
-Unexpected limb loss that makes the victim laugh out loud.
-Supervillains who forget that cops don’t have a never-kill rule and get gunned down in front of their traumatized nemeses during a dramatic monologue.
-Really big whelks.
-A scientist who invents functional anti-gravity fields and only uses them to have incredible trampoline parties.
-A couple of drunken idiots making dangerous and irresponsible use of chips while next to a zoo’s lion pit.
-A couple of ancient feuding gods giving the chess-game-with-mortal-pawns a pass and just playing tiddlywinks so they can have a good time for once.
-Soccer with violence allowed as long as you don’t use your hands.
-A little lightbulb inside the helmet of a suit of armour. Maybe a mini-minibar in the visor, too.
-Mr. Clean wrassling a shark with both parties restricted to teeth only.
-A home-made biplane.
-A Tyrannosaurus tackling a Triceratops, then getting sent to the penalty box for cross-checking.
-An angsty palm tree that wallows in self-pity as happy couples make out underneath it.
-Tailgating spacecraft.
-A nuclear aircraft carrier pulling into a drive-thru for some fries.
-Giant, rampaging teddy bears that are defeated by mounting needles and thread onto ballistic missiles.
-Murals that are accidentally painted onto floors because someone bumped the artist’s elbow.
-Non-toxic, recycling-friendly, eco-green, biodegradable civilizations, cultures, and religious systems.
-Shortlisted Wonders of the World.
-Someone pasting a poster for a summer blockbuster over exceptionally artistic graffiti.
-A Cyclops poking someone in the eye.
-Really tasty strawberries.
-An arthritic haemophilic klutz bowling using lightbulbs.
-Gods that become monotheistic in a snit after their buddies stop returning their calls.
-Shuffling layers of bedrock.
-An uncontrollably ticklish blue whale.
-Prokaryotic grand opera.
-That one tune some slave worker in Mesopotamia hummed about five thousand years ago. It was only about twenty seconds long, but man.
-Saucy, socially misplaced heart attacks.
-Any palaeontologist who has ever scientifically named a species including the phrase “thunder” in the genus simply because he’d wanted to do that since he was six.
-Antisocial Jehovah’s Witnesses.
-Poetic Portuguese Man-o-Wars.
-Prisoners of war who diet.
-Zippy, heartwarming family musicals about famous serial killers.
-Nonaggression pacts signed in pencil, preferably with half-erased spelling errors.