On Bear Attacks.

September 23rd, 2009

Since we don’t have enough articles on this site about members of the animal kingdom attempting (or succeeding) to maim, mangle, maul, and murderize you, I shall press on. That said, I make these because I am deeply fond of the animals in question, and although the idea of being too close to them scares the pants right off me (fortunately, I am wearing shorts). So don’t get all freaked out and be all “RABBAH RABBAH RABBAH KILL ‘EM ALL FNARGLE SNARGLE WURGH” because then you sound like a cross between a talk radio host and donald duck, and no one wants that. Look at it this way: everyone knows at least one person who they wish would get mauled by something large. So just keep quietly in mind any dangerous locations I mention, and pass them on as holiday destinations.

"Applies to the whole of Svalbard" indeed.

"Applies to the whole of Svalbard" indeed.

We’re going to be looking at three kinds of bears here: brown (mostly grizzly), black, and polar, because they are the most likely to grab someone by the leg and give them a few good clawings.

Black Bears

Yes, those ears are hard to take seriously.

Yes, those ears are hard to take seriously.

Ursus americanus is the smallest and most abundant of the three species we’re looking at, black bear males are 155-600 pounds to the female’s 90-400, and can stand from five to seven feet when upright. How absolutely tiny. And they’re absurdly strong for their size, like all bears, so don’t expect any lucky breaks here. Fortunately, black bears are also easily the most retiring and shy of this trio. Fight or flight? Flight please.

Grizzlies

O BEARLY?

O BEARLY?

Ursus arctos horribilis gets its less-than-flattering subspecies title from George Ord mishearing “grizzly” (as in its grizzled hairs) as “grisly.” Whups. A subspecies of brown bear, the Grizzly is widely regarded as one of the most over-the-top aggressive bears out there, even among brown bears, who are renowned as somewhat tetchy. Size and weight vary on location, from smallish in the Yukon to huge on the Alaskan peninsula, giving a wide range of weight from 300-1000 pounds for males (with a rough average of 500-750), with standing heights of 6 and a half feet to 8 foot. In short: do not mess with them.

Polar Bears

So cute, and yet so unhuggable.  Paradox, thy name is bear.

So cute, and yet so unhuggable. Paradox, thy name is bear.

Ah, Ursus maritimus, the “sea bear.” The largest carnivore in the world, sharing the title of “largest bear” with the Kodiak brown bear, and by far the most hardcore meat-eater of all the bears. Screw the berries, it has seals. Males range from 770-1,500 pounds and are 7.9-9.8 feet in length,with females at half the weight and 5.9-7.9 feet. They’re not as shy as a black bear or as absurdly touchy as the grizzly. But they’re much more likely to look at you and think “Hmmm! That looks like meat! Which is food!”

Bear attacks, like shark attacks, have wildly varying motivations, and these become more or less common depending on what type of bear you’re looking at – for instance, a black bear is much less likely to beat the crap out of you for violating its personal space than, say, a grizzly. So let’s examine a few MOs.

My personal space bubble has been punctured, and now so has your liver

If you can see this, you're probably too close.

If you can see this, you're probably too close.

Being too close to a bear can have varying effects. It may back off, run away, stand its ground, not care, or go ballistic and beat you up until you cower on the ground like the pathetic waste of flesh that you are. Grizzlies are by far the most likely perpetrators of this sort of thing, being as touchy as they are. The running theory is that since they’re too large to climb trees quickly and easily (unlike black bears), they decided the best defense was a good offense. If you trigger this sort of assault, the best idea is probably to play dead, which has a good chance of making the bear realize you’ve admitted your puniness and causing it to back off – the root of the old “if it’s a brown, fall down” advice-rhyme.

Cuteness is next to deadliness

Look, but don't touch.  And you'd better look from far, far away.

Look, but don't touch. And you'd better look from far, far away.

Bear cubs are absolutely adorable, and no one knows this more than their mothers. Which makes them very, very protective. Bear reaction to getting too close to their cubs varies – black bears will chase them up a tree and stand guard, grizzlies and polars will probably charge – but they all seem to have a similar response to getting between the mother and the cubs, which is to go absolutely ballistic. Remember that major sexual dimorphism bear females suffer from? It won’t actually matter at this point. Male bears 33%-50% larger than the females aren’t stupid enough to bug them with their cubs (which they often think look awfully nummy), so why should you be? Your response should be the same as when you infringe on its personal space: play dead to show that you are far too pathetic and feeble to do anything mean, and that you are really, really, really, really sorry and don’t plan on bugging it again.

I’m hungry, you’re here, let’s deal

See that salmon?  Don't be like it.

See that salmon? Don't be like it.

As similar for sharks, actual, deliberate predation is the rarest type of attack a bear can make, as well as the most deadly.  Bears usually need to be either very used to humans or very hungry to give it a shot – the former is why you shouldn’t be feeding them, leaving delicious-smelling food all around a campsite, or letting them hang around a garbage dump all day. Grizzly bears, despite having a very large attack record, are more likely to attack you because (again) of their immense tetchiness rather than hungry.  Polar bears are primarily predators, unlike their omnivorous pals, so they’re more likely to actually try to kill and eat you if they’re attacking. And black bears, although incredibly unlikely to attack you at all, are probably trying to eat you if they do. It makes sense if you think about it: if black bears are shy enough that they usually run away from you when confronted, then attacks are almost always going to be the result of either separating the mother and cubs or active predation. This, by the way, is the root of the other half of the advice-rhyme, which is: “if it’s a black, fight back,” which also sounds something you’d hear in a KKK nursery.

  • Picture Credits:
  • Norwegian road sign: Public domain image from wikipedia, taken by KaareDump
  • Black bear: Public domain image from wikipedia.
  • Grizzly bear: Public domain image from wikipedia, taken by Terry Tollefsbol.
  • Polar bear: Public domain image from wikipedia, from United States Geological Survey.
  • Kodiak bear face: Public domain image from wikipedia, taken by LadyofHats.
  • Polar bear cubs: Public domain image from wikipedia, from US Fish and Wildlife Service.
  • Brown bear feeding: Public domain image from wikipedia, from US Fish and Wildlife Service.

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