It wasn’t two pm. Two pm was when the bottle under the desk came out, at least on Fridays. It was one forty-nine pm and there was one patient left and they were just leaving and Dr. Madeline Skoggard, PhD, was just about to take a ten minute break a bit early when the phone rang.
“It’s two pm,” she lied to the secretary.
“It’s urgent,” he said.
“I’M urgent.”
“Your mom’s urgent, pick up the damned phone. I already told her you’d talk to her.”
Madeline sighed out forty years of disappointment over three seconds – with a little rasp of phlegm for good measure – and picked up the phone. “Dr. Skoggard speaking,” spoke Dr. Skoggard.
“Oh thank you, listen, it’s Jean, Jean Lyman from down the way, and I’m really sorry to be bothering you, it’s just that there’s this thing, this thing that’s happened with Sara, and I’m not sure what’s wrong, but it’s very urgent, and I need to tell you, and”
“Breathe,” commanded Dr. Skoggard. And it was so.
“It’s Sara,” said Jean, having breathed. “She’s, she’s JUMPING everywhere. Constantly. And it’s getting worse. This morning she was jumping on her bed; by lunch she was jumping onto the kitchen counter; and I swear to god heart in hand doctor I phoned you because ten minutes ago my little Sara, aged nine and three-quarters, jumped onto our roof. Standing start. Standing start! And you KNOW we never tolerated pole vaulting in this house, so I don’t have the faintest idea where she’s gotten it from.”
“Oh,” said Dr. Skoggard. “Well, this is pretty straightforward. Your daughter’s got a case of video game.”
“A what?
“A case of video game. Classic platformer by the sound of it. These things are pretty mechanically straightforward and burn themselves out reasonably fast, and indirect transmission is very rare, particularly once symptoms emerge – she probably picked it up off a schoolfriend directly by handling an oily controller or something. Just keep her away from colourful mushrooms and jewelry so she doesn’t get any powerups and it should burn out overnight.”
“But what if she’s on the roof when it happens?”
“No, it’s a very gradual descent. She’ll be as good as new by tomorrow. Listen, you want something to do? Take some photos to embarrass her with later, okay? Family memories are priceless. Phone me back if anything other than what I’ve described happens, okay?”
“Okay. Thank you so much, it’s just that”
‘”Goodbye,” said Dr. Skoggard to the phone.
“Hello,” said Madeline to the bottle in the desk drawer.
And she gave herself an extra glass for being so damned professional.
***
“I packed your lunch,” said mom. She handed her a bag of snakes.
“Your hair is very pretty and Paul shouldn’t judge you like that,” they told her. Then they turned into an eagle and Madeline was flying away on it before her phone went off in her ear.
“Flrgr,” she answered.
“Oh thank GOD listen doctor I’m so so so so sorry, I just had to phone you, I know it’s only ten am on a Saturday but listen, it’s about Sara, it’s gotten worse, and gotten different, and gotten weird, and, and, and, and, and”
“Breathe,” commanded Dr. Skoggard.
“Oh right I’m so sorry I’m so”
“I wasn’t talking to you,” said Dr. Skoggard. “Now, what’s Sara doing?”
“I don’t know,” said Jean in tears. “She – she left the house this morning! She packed up every object in reach, put them in her pockets – I have NO idea how they all fit – looted all the drawers and cabinets, asked me the same six questions twice in a row, then walked next door and did it all again!”
“Uh,” said Dr. Skoggard. “Wait – did she pick up anything outside?”
“Half our herb garden, the neighbour’s prize begonia, and three interesting rocks,” said Jean. “Why?”
“She’s gathering materials. No need to worry, it seems my initial diagnosis was a little off, that’s all. She doesn’t have video game, she’s got video GAMES. Compulsive looting, checking for new dialogue, and hoarding of crafting materials are all classic triple-A open world rpg syndromes. Tell me, did you see her jump?”
“Only a little, and it seemed, well, normal height or so.”
“Yes, then her case is still progressing. This is rare, but not unheard of, and it should still run its course without treatment. Typically it’ll burn itself out inside a few hours before the patient even leaves their immediate starting position. Too many options, you see. When she gets bored she’ll come back home.”
“Oh so she’s safe?”
“Did she take some sort of ‘starting equipment’ with her?”
“I think she took one of the butter knives.”
“Yes, that’ll do nicely. She probably can’t kill anyone with it, so don’t worry. Goodnight.”
“It’s ten in the m-“
The dream did not come back.
***
This time the phone rang well after the bottle had come out. But it was a nicer bottle – Madeline kept the good stuff at home for easy-access – and so she was entirely at peace with her phone and the universe.
“Go,” she said.
“I’m sorry?” said Jean. This was funny. Jean wasn’t meant to be phoning her right now.
“Lemme hear it. You. It. You.” She giggled. “You’re it. Tag.”
“Well, I just wanted to thank you. For everything you helped with.”
“Right?”
“Yes. Sara’s been fine all day. Nothing unusual whatsoever.”
“Goooooood.”
“And as soon as I find this danged credit card, I’ll be sure –”
“Wha?”
“-to pay you back appropriately, I know I need better insurance but-”
“Hol’ up. Just lose. The card? Or a whole thing, a wallet. A purse.”
“Well, it must just be the card. My wallet hasn’t left my bedside table since this morning and the only ones home are me and Sara.”
Terrible doom seeped in through the warm runny edges of Madeline’s reality. “Jean,” she said carefully, “has Sara said anything about currency tonight? Deals? Bargains? Bonuses? Weekend sales?”
“Well, I thought she was talking about her math courses, but”
“CANCEL THE CARD!” screamed Madeline down the line, her lungs leaping into her mouth and mushing her tongue. “For the love of god; she isn’t in remission yet! She’s stillillil VIDEO GAMES she gachaing, she’ss full-goddamned-gachaing! Cancel the card ten minutes ago and then lock her indoors twenty! Don’t listen to anything she says or she’ll get you tooooo and then you’ll spend all your savings on premium royal crystals or some shit DO IT NOW NOW NOW NOW!”
“But!”
“FUCK!” shouted Madeline. Then she threw her phone in the sink with the dishes.
Then she regretted that.
***
This time the phone call came after three pm, which meant the bottle under the desk had just been and gone and Dr. Skoggard felt basically at peace and happy with the world even if it was a Monday, so she was happy even though it was –
“Jean again, sorry to bother you, but I wanted to thank you again, everything’s fine, it’s wonderful, Sara is back to normal.”
“Glad to hear it,” said Dr. Skoggard, who wasn’t technically lying because she was pretty glad about everything right now.
“No, not one thing! As a matter of fact, she hasn’t even looked at a screen once since this morning!”
“Wonderful,” said Dr. Skoggard with genuinely adequate enthusiasm.
“And she said she wanted to play board games! She was so excited; it was SO hard to ask her to wait until later. Such a sad little face!”
“Superb.”
“Why, she used to HATE Risk!”
“Excellewait sorry, what?”
“Risk. The board game? She used to HATE it, but I’ve never seen her so fixated on something as she was that little world map. Wants to invade Australia, I expect!”
Madeline considered the window. She considered on whether cardboard was too big a leap for a virus to make from silicon. Surely if this had happened before someone would have written about it. Surely.
“Doctor?”
Madeline considered the horizon. Was that a siren, drifting from just over it? How far was the nearest air force base? Was that red natural? Was that glint of sunlight manmade? Was she being paranoid.
“Doctor?”
How far away were they from the nearest army bases? Air force installations? Missile silos.
“Doctor? Is everything okay?
“If it isn’t, it’s not your problem,” said Madeline. “Gotta go, bye.”
Then she finished the bottle. Because why not, if it’s Monday?