To: All
From: pgwooster@cgzoo.com
Subject: Hi!!!!
Hello all you happy campers and happier staff members of Clive’s Gussberg Zoo! My name is Penelope Gertrude Winslet and I’ll be your CEO and marketing director for this summer – sort of like a two-for-one deal, you get it?! This is the sort of thing that’ll save us money! But don’t you worry, because I’ve got plenty of ways to MAKE money rattling around in my noggin to! I know a lot of you are pretty ready to get your paycheques rolling, and rest assured I’m as keen to see that happen as you are!
Let’s have an incredible summer!!!
Penelope G. Winslet, CEO & Marketing Director, Clive’s Gussberg Zoo
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To: pgwooster@cgzoo.com
From: pfitz@cgzoo.com
Subject: re: Security Services
I want it on record that I thought this was a stupid idea from the start, okay? Yes, putting a ‘guarded by the inhabitants of Clive’s Gussberg Zoo’ sign on a building’s front door is a tremendous PSYCHOLOGICAL deterrent against simple break-and-enters, but against professionals? They’re just going to case the joint a bit harder, and what we had wasn’t more than a speed bump for them.
Vinnie? I know your first instinct was ‘oh he’s a grey wolf, that’s like a guard dog but better!’ News flash: he doesn’t think of humans as prey items, he doesn’t think of strange new places as his territory, and he’s shy. I don’t think any of the safecrackers of June 4th even knew he was there. Which is good, because he’ll do anything for a belly rub and I think they might’ve walked off with him.
Clarice did a better job. Clarice did a lot better of a job. Clarice did her job entirely too well, because not only did she scare away any potential burglars, she also scared away the neighbours and the client himself, who thought she was a demon from hell. A barn owl security alarm is a little bit too effective for the human psyche, even if it is impossible to sleep through it.
Jumbo, of course, is a two-toed sloth. I don’t think I need to go into further detail as to why renting him out to the airport as a bomb-sniffer was a bad idea.
You can find another bozo to sign onto your projects, because I, for one, won’t play.
Patricia Fitzgerald, Chief Americas Zookeeper
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To: pgwooster@cgzoo.com
From: dwrob@cgzoo.com
Subject: re: the call center
After three glorious days in operation, I must report to you that, alas, our call center has been disbanded. Our rate of customer interaction was through the roof, but they were uninterested in our sales pitches and more concerned with finding methods to cause us fiscal and /or bodily harm. It’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools and a foolish leader that passes the buck, but I find myself speculating that the disappointing outcome of our little misadventure owes something to our staff. The ravens kept to the company script very neatly, but I’ve been told (at length) that their voices were ‘uncanny’ and ‘disturbing’ and ‘sounded like the breath of Satan himself in my ear, may god protect me.’ The macaws, meanwhile, were far more pleasant to the ear, but reacted to being interrupted by throwing screaming fits, so that’s four of our five lawsuits right there – pierced eardrums are a nasty business. Meanwhile, the bulk of our remaining staff were the budgies, and while I’m aware I was the one who promised you that they would learn on the job, I am saddened to report that this never took place, and their vocabulary remained permanently at ‘pretty bird.’ Few complaints there, but few sales.
Much of the equipment was still covered by warranty, at least. Caveat emptor et al.
Douglas William Roberts, Birdhouse Supervisor
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To: pgwooster@cgzoo.com
From: dheath@cgzoo.com
Subject: NO MORE UBERS also I’m resigning
We’ve been BANNED from all thoroughfares, highways, biways, streets, roads, and avenues, commercial and residential (across the country too, which I think is a bit much?). As bad as that news is, it beat the alternative of facing six dozen individuated lawsuits. We got off pretty lightly considering the elephants crushed twenty vehicles, the moose engaged in duels with nineteen stop signs, and the zebras bucked off every rider they got before trying to bite and kick them to death.
I admire your willingness to move fast and break things, but I think you’d better count me out for the next adventure. The legal consequences are a bit rich for my blood.
Hope to work with you again in better circumstances,
Delilah Heathers, former Head Large Mammal Coordinator
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To: pgwooster@cgzoo.com
From: jhay@cgzoo.com
Subject: i told you so goddamnit
I told you, I told you, I goddamned told you.
I told you that baboons take staring deeply into each other’s eyes as an insult.
I told you that manatees look less like mermaids than advertised, no matter how near-sighted, hopeful, and scurvy-ridden the viewer may very well fucking be.
I told you that hyenas would get possessive and needy and bite anyone intruding on their partners.
And I told you to your goddamned face that Ginger would be more interested in the food than her date. I’m not sure that panda would understand romance with a chart and a six-person romance team. As a matter of fact, I AM sure she wouldn’t, because we tried to put her through that reproduction crash course last year and she flunked, as you would know if you bothered to read any of the files I sent you. Ever.
Most-importantly, I told you that hiring out nonhumans for escort services would attract the worst creeps ever to crawl the earth. I haven’t gotten this much of a workout from my cattle prod, taser, and tranq gun since I worked the nuisance bear program. If it weren’t for that job satisfaction I’d quit this second.
Jude Hayes, Lead Wrangler
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To: pgwooster@cgzoo.com
From: krqueen@cgzoo.com
Subject: Abject Failure
I don’t know a way to put a better spin on it. Complete disaster from top to bottom, start to finish. Execution chamber? The coastal taipan was the only animal angry enough for the snake pit, and after being exposed to three days of strangers it got used to them and didn’t bother anyone that kept their hands to themselves. Death arena? The lions won’t eat until it’s dark out. Shark tank? They’re lemon sharks, they prefer fish and only bite if you start biting them first. Torture services? Tarantulas are so mildly venomous they’d have been better off rubbing their hairy abdomens on the victims. Rent-a-legion? Doesn’t matter if you give them laser carbines and cyber-suits, a gorilla is still a gorilla and would rather eat shoots and leaves than shoot.
If the former client hadn’t tried to whip the chimpanzee mining-squad into obedience I’m sure he’d have filed a complaint with you already. As it is, I salvaged what I could of this rental opportunity by rifling through his safe and taking everything marked ‘top secret.’ If nothing else, the FBI might be interested.
Kelly R. Queen, Sales Associate
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To: All
From: pgwooster@cgzoo.com
Subject: A Wonderful Summer!!!!!
Hello all you happy campers and happier staff members of Clive’s Gussberg Zoo! We’ve sure had a busy, bustling, activity-bursting heap of a summer, and I’m happy to report that profits have never been higher! I would like to personally thank every member of staff that agreed to wear a tiny little camera hidden in their nametag (it would’ve been so easy to opt out, too – page 167q had very clear font!), because we’re the number 1 most popular streaming channel for the fourth month running, and the advertising dollars are pouring in (except for that little suspension we got when Kelly walked in on her client after he’d had a tiny argument with the chimps – oops! Turns out it’s illegal to show dismemberment, even if it’s hard to tell any of the bits belonged to a human!). You wouldn’t believe the number of shirts we’ve sold!
Let’s have a magical winter!!!
Penelope G. Winslet, CEO & Marketing Director, Clive’s Gussberg Zoo