Professor Tiana Pilkin’s Biannual List of Most Obnoxious Teeth
Some of my younger readers will have grown up reading this column, and to them I say thank you, and welcome. Some of my older readers will recognize some of its contents, and to them I say ‘some things never change.’ Some of my crabbier, more opinionated older readers will complain about repetition and to them I say they can take a long walk off a short dock and play count-the-dentition with a crocodile. If you’re so smart, you can do better.
Anyways, here’s the damned list.
Anything in a Crocodile’s Mouth
This is the problem with being an expert in your field: you get invited to do all kinds of experimental procedures. No, measuring a crocodile’s mouth for dentures is neither ‘trivial’ nor ‘perfectly safe.’ Especially if you cheaped out on the anesthetic. Thank you very much, Sogelvale Turnpike Zoological Gardens. I miss you, but not nearly as much as I miss that settlement payout. Or my right pointer.
Chompsticks
Chopsticks are perfectly valid utensils that are not improved at all by having human dentition attached to them, or by being surgically implanted into the jaw. I have testified against Dr. Mervin Plonc sixteen times under oath to say this and I have no doubt I will do so again quite gladly.
The Crooked Left Canine of Joshua Semaphore Ulysses
Possibly the only case of non-Euclidean AND non-hyperbolic anatomy I have ever encountered in my career. Cameras break. X-rays jam. My assistant’s eyes boiled in their sockets. All attempts to manually correct the tooth have failed either manually or mechanically due to the sudden and violent introduction of 3-4 unfamiliar dimensions into the patient’s mouth along with the removal of at least 2 familiar ones. I’d recommend it as a site of global importance if it weren’t impossible to observe it without causing gratuitous harm to the observer.
Elephant Dental Batteries
These are closer to cobblestones than teeth, and they’re almost impossible for me to replace without my patient chewing my head off. So what if they’re going to die without them? I’ll die without my head. If they don’t like dying they shouldn’t try to kill me. Thank you very much AGAIN, Sogelvale Turnpike Zoological Gardens, and you’re very fucking welcome.
Fangs
Classic look is offset by inadequacy of human lips, resulting in long-term dental decay via long-term unprotected exposure to air. ‘Dracula with cavities’ is nobody’s idea of impressive, to say nothing of the odour. And let’s be honest: the version of Dracula you’re imagining is either inspired by Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee, not the original hairy-palmed paranoid British metaphor for a terror of being infiltrated by evil eastern Europeans.
Fingers
Keep them out of your mouth. If someone’s fingers must go in there, they should be mine. I know what I’m doing and it’s unlikely you’re remotely qualified.
Giant Bony Shears
Not actually teeth. Leave these in the mouth of Dunkleosteus, where they belong. If it only worked once for one dead fish it isn’t worth doing twice.
Giant Keratinous Beaks
Seem multipurpose and simple to maintain – and they are – but result in unfortunate ‘turtleface’ syndrome and occasionally self-severance of fingers and/or tongue. Also they aren’t teeth.
Giant Mangling Dental Mats
See: giant keratinous beaks. Although they tend to grind, rather than sever. And they are teeth.
Giant Metal Gnashing Plates
Actually, you can just put down the entire catalogue of Dr. Morbidia Von Stecklehommer here. Or should I say, “Lauren Peck.” That’s right, LAURIE. I remember you. Couldn’t make the big grades so you ducked out of dental school early and set up shop as a common back-alley mad dentist, eh? I knew you were a failure. Always did.
Inscissors
Fly in the face of the actual use of incisors – to nip, to slice, to cut – by adding a wholly unnecessary dimension to the cutting face. Also present a tremendous slicing hazard to the nose.
K9s
Excessive. Most people barely get full use out of their K2s. Typically the extra K7 end up crammed in and around the front of the mouth, but in some cases they end up sort of vertically-stacked and invade the nasal cavity, resulting in unique forms of self-mutilation when sneezing occurs.
Lead Teeth
Yes, they’re historic. No, they’re not a good idea. So what if the romans used them? If the romans invaded all their neighbours and had civil war as a national sport, would you do that too?
Molar Bears
Good for grinding tough matter, calm, authoritative, inquisitive but can become nuisances if habituated by garbage and are currently facing extinction via anthropogenic climate change.
Needles
These aren’t teeth. And if your teeth are like them, please contact me as soon as possible so I can assist you. Or laugh.
Open Cavity in the Skull with No Jaw or Teeth or Esophagus
I’m still not sure why this patient was referred to me. And I will likely never know, since I fired that receptionist immediately afterwards.
Postpremolars
Too damned confusing, spatially speaking. And to make matters worse, in commonwealth countries they come AFTER the premolars, while in the states they come BEFORE the premolars. I’ve seen a lot of poorly-aimed surgical procedures thanks to that little terminological gap.
Quasincisors
Powerful tools for shearing through tough plant matter, but the plant matter is required to exist in an extra four dimensions, two of which render it invisible. Impractical, fancy, high-maintenance, and frequently disintegrate standard matter on contact, which isn’t great if you like having a tongue.
Turkeys
They are not teeth but they irritate me so.
Tusks
Leave them to the walruses, elephants, and other creatures that are used to navigating spatial environments with two giant protrusions jutting out of their faces. For humans, this is the facial equivalent to running with untied shoelaces.
Tyrannosaurus rex teeth in general
They’re not razors. They’re more like bananas, or maybe railroad spikes. Everyone calls them razors, but they’re possibly the least razor-like objects you could find in a predator’s mouth. Murder bananas are a perfectly acceptable kind of tooth but everyone seems embarrassed about them.
‘Wisemouth’
An interesting effect to observe but not a pleasant one to deal with. Plenty of people don’t need the paltry amount of wisdom teeth they’re born with; dealing with them slowly multiplying and pushing out your existing teeth in a ghastly parody of exfoliation is something in even less demand. And they’re not wise. If they were wise, they wouldn’t pull this crap.
Wolverines
Again, not teeth. No matter how carefully you’ve trained them, or how ambitious your plans for miniaturizing them are. Cheap sensationalism is a lousy replacement for effort, thought, or care. Isn’t that right, LAURIE?
Professor Tiana Pilkin is Dentist Emeritus and Dean of Enamel at Wurblemass’s Institute of Highest Dental Learning. She has seven degrees, countless awards, and one-and-three-quarters fingers.