The following will be on the exam. I’m practically giving you the answers here, but don’t let that stop you from ignoring this.
-10: Bears
Any kind, really. Don’t touch them. Don’t approach them. Don’t look at them. Leave very politely and very immediately. You’d think by now they wouldn’t be on this list anymore, but some people just don’t learn.
-9: Snarks
Less-studied than sharks, and less common. Strong mothering instinct. Very, very, very strong. Historically this was neither known nor problematic until the 20th century saw an explosion of innovation in pool toys and it became clear that snark pups closely resemble water noodles. They don’t smell anything alike, but even the briefest of visual contact is more than enough for a thirty-foot snark matron to decide something needs her help, particularly if it’s pinned underneath some sort of splashing beach biped.
Snark attack victims can be differentiated from shark attack victims by the presence or absence of the victim’s torso, which an angry snark will generally swallow immediately.
-8: Lesser Warbled Puddleducks
Both lesser and greater warbled puddleducks are among the world’s most spectacular migrators; engaging in circuitous ‘round-the-world’ patterns that take them along the most inefficient and spiralling road possible from the north to south poles. Puddleducklings have a profoundly prolonged infancy, during which their fuzzy little bodies are practically begging to be picked up and cuddled. Unfortunately lesser warbled puddleducklings in particular have extremely delayed bone sutures and picking them up before six months after hatching will cause them to violently explode in bone splinters like a very damp and squeaky hand grenade, impaling the would-be-predator with puddleduckling shrapnel. Furthermore, due to their diet of rotten, regurgitated jellyfish, the puddleduckling’s violent expiration tends to drive putrescent venom directly into unfortunate bystanders.
-7: Jeelson’s Tendercattle
Possibly one of the greatest missteps of domestication ever committed, Jeelson’s Tendercattle are virtually identical to modern American beef cattle, a ruse that enables the cartilaginously lithe adult tendercattle to stealthily sneak into ranches and leave their calves to be cared for by unwitting surrogate mothers. Generally a frustration and a money loss for the ranchers, Jeelsons turn deadly when they fail to escape the slaughterhouse in time due to inattentiveness or use as veal, as – unlike other cattle – their flesh is riddled with tiny but incredibly vigorous tendons that will stick in a human throat like a wad of duct tape. Quarantine measures enacted over the first half of the 20th century all failed, and nowadays anyone consuming a steak or hamburger is encouraged to chew very, very, very carefully – and if possible, to let the dog have the first bite.
-6: Highlandbound Blowhardfish
Mature adults are innocuous and wheezy creatures that spend their lives trekking through glens from lochs to crags, where they lay their eggs. Hatchling blowhardfish are small and elverlike creatures that rely on rainfall to transport them downslope to their new homes, but the eggs themselves are so perfectly camouflaged that they are undetectable without highly specialized and unusual sticks. Annual casualties from tripping over blowhardfish eggs are tricky to document, but are estimated at over five hundred a year.
-5: Tennessee Water Beetle
The larvae are voracious cannibals that will consume an entire pond of life from the scum to the fish before turning on each other and leaving the sole survivor to clear out any remaining megafauna. This can include humans, and although the water beetles aren’t particularly bright they’re capable of surviving over an hour out of water and will do so eagerly once they realize there’s more food out there. Overconsumption can prolong this infant state of rapacity for years, and there is no upper limit on size. Once they get into the ocean either the killer whales get them or the salinity eventually does. Mature adults post-pupation are the size of a dime and docile, living only on dew and flower buds.
See also: ‘sea serpent.’
-4: Fuzzer-Wuzzer-Wumpkins
Adults are gigantic slabs of woolly muscle; cubs are adorable, fuzzy, sturdy. Parents are benign and encourage the naturally curious cubs to play with strange animals to broaden their life experience. Makes little squeals when tickled. Hypoallergenic. Causes cardiac arrest from sheer force of happiness nine times out of ten when handled resulting in fatality six times out of ten with immediate medical attention. Current hypothesis is that this functions to eliminate competition for food sources, as the cubs have been spotted adorably snuggly-wugglying up in beds made of the rotting corpse-worpsies thus created, but never nomming on them.
-3: Crotzwieler’s Great Gold-Plated Ruffous-Necked Belgian ‘Doomsday’ Juggernaut
The instars will step on you and possibly eat you.
-2: Whimpering Greebok
Adults and kits alike are completely deaf and easily startled. Lack claws, teeth, or even particularly robust jaw muscles. The adults run when alarmed but the altricial young will remain in place and emit ear-piercing shrieks that will pop the eardrums of anything within forty feet into absolute FOUNTAINS of blood. Requires immediate medical attention to prevent exsanguination, either from the ruptured ears or the packs of lions that whimpering greeboks tend to follow around.
-1: Humans
Yes, they start out cute, but let’s face it: we all know why.