“Kannister Kars, Inquisition line, how may we assist you?”
“Hi, is this the inquisition line?”
“Yes, sir. How may we assist you?”
“I just had a little problem. It won’t start.”
“Your kar won’t start, sir?”
“Yeah. Hasn’t started since I bought it two weeks back, not once. I don’t get it; it worked fine at the dealer’s.”
“I see. Have you tried pressing the little round button on the keyfob, sir?”
“Oh yeah! Over and over and over!”
“That’s your problem, sir. That’s the locking mechanism. Press the smaller square button next to it.”
“Oh. Oh, it’s working.”
“That’s great news, sir. Do you have any other inquiries?”
“No, no. Other than it not starting, it’s been perfect. I love the kar.”
“Wonderful. Thank you very much for calling us, sir, and have a pleasant day.”
***
“Kannister Kars, Inquisition line, how may we assist you?”
“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… is this the inquisition line?”
“Yes, sir. How may we assist you?”
“Ahhhhhh. Well. Errrrrrrrrrrr. My kar broke out of my garage.”
“That’s very unfortunate sir. Can you describe the circumstances in which this occurred?”
“Well, ahhh, it went right through the garage door. It was down. The door, the door was down.”
“Oh no! Can you describe the circumstances in which this occurred?”
“I was just showing, well, you know, that is, showing my uhhhh neighbour how it has AI control. And I, I, I, I showed him. With the button, err, the button. I pressed the summon button.”
“And that was when the kar drove through your garage door?”
“Ahh, yes. Went through the garage door. Then it, well, didn’t stop until it was right uhm next to uuhhhh. Me.”
“That sounds like it was working properly, sir. All Kannister Kar vehicles with AI summon features will activate and drive to their owner’s sides when the summon button is pressed, proceeding by the most direct route and ignoring any obstacles.”
“The. The thing was………you see….my neighbour. He was ah. He was uh. He was between me and the garage door.”
“That sounds very unfortunate sir. I recommend you and your neighbour both contact your respective insurance companies to settle this amicably.”
“His uhhhh. His daughter called a lawyer. A lawyer.”
“That sounds very unfortunate indeed sir.”
“Is there ah anything err you can can can can can do to help help?”
“During your trial, sir, you can demonstrate the truth of Kannister Kar’s promises by pressing the summon button. It will drive to your side by the most direct route and ignore any obstacles.”
“Oh.”
“Do you have any other inquiries?”
“I ah. Don’t think…so. I do love the kar, you ah know that right.”
“Absolutely. Thank you very much for calling us, sir, and have a pleasant day.”
***
“Kannister Kars, Inquisition line, how may we assist you?”
“Hi, my family is having some troubles with our kar’s facial identification system.”
“That’s unfortunate, ma’m. Please describe the problem as precisely as you can.”
“Well… it works just fine with my husband and myself. The kar automatically unlocks for us, it responds when summoned, it stops before it touches us if we’re too close to it while moving. Just perfectly. But… our children. Well. We’ve had a couple of close calls.”
“Has the kar struck one of your children, ma’am?”
“No! God no. But it smashed one of Ezekiel’s toy trucks yesterday. Another inch and it would’ve been his fingers!”
“Ma’am, can I ask you to check your make and model? It’s possible your kar’s AI has been upgraded to our Alpha Prime package, leading it to see rival vehicles as competitors that must be eliminated. Your child’s toy, from the proper perspective, could have been mistaken for a full-sized vehicle, or as the offspring of one, which must be crushed before it could reach reproductive age.”
“No, no. It’s just a basic model B.”
“I see. Ma’am, may I ask how old your children are?”
“Five and six.”
“That matches our secondary hypothesis. The AI systems in Kannister Kar’s software suites are powerful tools, ma’am, and our facial recognition software is top-grade. But the particularities of its programming prevent it from recognizing children.”
“You mean… it sees their faces changing as they grow up and think they’re different people?”
“No, ma’am. The AI doesn’t register them as sapient and treats them as it would any other animal it encounters on the road. May I remind you that ‘squirrel braking’ and other such so-called-‘humane’ driving tactics are the cause of many motor vehicle accidents? Best to just power on through and grit your teeth when you feel the bump. It’s all over in a flash.”
“Oh no.”
“In the meantime, it’s strongly recommended that you keep your children at maximum distance from your kar. As long as they’re not in visual contact with it and keep quiet, it should never know they’re there.”
“Well, that’s a relief. I was worried I’d have to pay for an upgrade! Not that I wouldn’t want one if I had the spare cash this month. I love the kar, you know.”
“Great. Thank you very much for calling us, ma’am, and have a pleasant day.”
***
“Kannister Kars, Inquisition line, how may we assist you?”
“Hey my kar won’t start.”
“Have you tried pressing the little round button on the keyfob, sir?”
“No, that’s the locking mechanism. And I’ve pressed the little square button on my keyfob too. Hell, I even put the key in myself – like some damn peasant – and turned it and it just grunts and mutters and doesn’t budge. Worked fine for three months?”
“Can you describe the sounds your kar is making sir?”
“Thick and grinding and sounds maybe a bit like…well, I’m not sure. I asked a buddy of mine who does linguistics, he said it almost sounded like Aramaic.”
“Modern, Middle, or Old Aramaic, sir?”
“Old. But it was hard to tell; a lot of it just slid in and out of hearability. Real low-pitched stuff; made all the furniture in the house shake and now we keep finding dead mice in the garage with blood leaking out of their ears.”
“Okay sir, this narrows things down a lot. May I ask if you have any stairs in your house?”
“What? No, no. It’s a bungalow. But it’s in a good neighbourhood, high resale value. Pricey.”
“That’s unfortunate, sir. It sounds to me like your kar lacks vertical structure in its local spatial imprint, and its AI is starting to forget which way is down. This forces it to conclude it’s incapable of movement and causes low-grade psychosis.”
“Holy shit! How expensive is this gonna be to fix?”
“Well, you can reboot the AI by inserting the iron rod in your komplimentary kar kit directly into its sarcophagus and holding it there until five minutes after the hissing stops, but that’s a temporary measure. To ensure a proper housing environment for your kar, you have two popular options. One, you can erect a small tower – if integrated with the main structure of your home, a simple two-story turret will suffice; if freestanding, a three-story minimum is expected. Treehouses won’t work.”
“That won’t fly with my homeowner’s association. Little pricks are already sore at me for the doghouse.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”
“How was I supposed to know you aren’t allowed to put up neon displays? It’s no worse than next door’s shitty Christmas lights. Which are still up, by the way.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Two, you can dig a well underneath your house – you can cover it if you like, but with nothing more substantial than a metal grating. Either of these two renovations will permit the kar’s AI to accept the notion of other dimensions and reintegrate itself with your interpretation of reality.”
“There’s only one group of well guys around and they can go fuck themselves. Little pricks testified against us in that legal dispute last year. ‘Contaminated’ my ass.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir. There is a third option, but it’s somewhat less reliable and will not be covered by your insurance policy in the event of damages.”
“What ever is? Hit me.”
“Remove the sarcophagus’s nails with a crowbar and commune directly with the AI once it is exposed. Don’t do this with another person in the home or you run the risk of a rapid localized lotus-expulsion event.”
“Remove the nails, talk to the AI, right right right. Thanks, that’s great. Love the kar, by the way.”
“That’s very good to hear. Thank you very much for calling us, sir, and have a pleasant day.”
***
“Kannister Kars, Inquisition line, how may we assist you?”
“Hello, this is Juliette Simmons, calling from the Packet Daily.”
“It’s always a pleasure to speak to the technology press, Ms. Simmons. How may we assist your organization?”
“I would like to set up an interview with Mr. Strank, please.”
“Mr. Strank is a very busy man, but we can schedule a remote conference within –”
“Not a remote conference, if you please. This is a face-to-face interview.”
“Ma’am, access to CEO Strank’s personal lead-lined submersion kannister underneath mount Vesuvius is strictly limited to intimate friends, his immediate family, and his top subordinates. You are none of the above.”
“See, that’s just the sort of thing I want to talk to him about. Why the secrecy? Why hide from the press? And speaking of immediate family, why exactly did he name his son Damien Megatron Strank, because that’s-”
“Ma’am, as I’ve said before, Mr. Strank is a very busy man, and prefers to spend his precious open time on interviews regarding substantive matters, not with muck-racking or celebrity gossip. He is solely concerned with matters of scientific import.”
“And that’s another thing: the image. He won’t shut up about science, but all he does is sell kars and build gravitic catapults. He shot down Hubble three months ago; how does that square with his image as an innovator and lover of knowledge?”
“’Move Fast and Break Faster’ is Kannister Kars’s motto for a reason, ma’am, and if you continue with these unsubstantiated and slanderous allegations against our company’s actions you will be prosecuted to the fullest possible extent of the law. Mr. Strank has no time for you.”
“I see. This conversation is, of course, a matter of public record.”
“You haven’t said it.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Ma’am, you haven’t said you love the kar.”
“Well, I don’t have any particular enmity towards it, I just-”
“Say it.”
“Wha-”
“Right now.”
“Bu-”
“It’s too late. They can’t be recalled now. Make peace with yourself, Ms. Simmons. You should have done it. You should have loved the kar.”
***
“Kannister Kars, Inquisition line, how may we assist you?”
“Hi, I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but is this the inquisition line?”
“Yes, ma’am. How may we assist you?”
“My kar just vanished. While I was driving it. Good job I hadn’t left the driveway yet. Is there something I did wrong, or…?”
“No, that’s expected at the moment. Stay calm and stay indoors and it should be back shortly and no worse for wear. You may have to rinse some stains off the hood, but they’re entirely cosmetic.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. Thank you so much. I really love the kar, you know.”
“I know, believe me. Thank you very much for calling us, ma’am, and have a pleasant day.”