Ring
Ring
Ring
Click.
“Hi, you’ve reached Bob’s Big Guns and Bear Traps, where you come to get in touch with your wild side and blow it away. I’m a little busy right now and can’t make it to the phone, so please leave a message on the machine after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks for calling.”
Beeeep.
“Hi, Bob, this is Dr. Troyer; I’m just checking in on you this week since you haven’t submitted your scheduled activity logs. If you’ve forgotten my email or need any assistance, please feel free to call this number and leave a message at any time. Remember, your body needs time not only to heal but also to actually work: you’ve lost four fingers six toes and your entire nose. This therapy is part of that work, and I want your recovery to be as smooth and painless as humanly possible. Please contact me as soon as you can.”
***
Ring
Ring
Ring
Click.
“Hi, you’ve reached Bob’s Big Guns and Bear Traps, where you come to get in touch with your wild side and blow it away. I’m working on something at the moment, so I might be away from the desk frequently. Leave a message and I’ll return your call when possible. Thanks for calling.”
Beeeep.
“Bobby? Are you there? You haven’t talked to me since the attack, Bobby. I’m worried about you, you know that, right? Worried about you not SCARED of you, I’ll love you no matter if you have the right number of fingers and toes or an entire nose or not, you know that, right? Right?”
“Please Bobby pick up the phone, I don’t know what you’re doing. Are you doing your physiotherapy? Because your doctor phoned me and told me to tell you that you should be doing that. Dwelling on this won’t help! Come on, phone me, I need to talk to you. We can go out and visit that fry shack you love so much and you can order as many billberry tequilas as you’d like, just pick up the phone and talk to me!”
“Bobby? Come on, can’t you hear m”
Beeeep.
***
Ring
Ring
Ring
Click.
“Hi, you’ve reached Bob’s Big Guns and Bear Traps, currently and temporarily closed while we sort out a few pest issues. Nothing major, so don’t worry – we’ll soon be back in business of giving you the business you need to put wildlife where it belongs: six feet under or in a barbeque. Leave a message after the tone or call back in, oh, about a week.”
Beeeep.
“Bob, this is Dr. Laurier. You’ve persistently avoided talking to me ever since you were no longer confined to a hospital bed, and this is unacceptable. You have a problem, Bob, on that we agree, but on the solution? I completely dispute that you’re in fit condition mentally or physically to go hunt that bear, Bob, even if that was the sort of therapy I recommended. Which it is not. Leave it to the park rangers, Bob, and if you want to help? Talk to them. Don’t be an action hero. Phone me. Now.”
***
Ring
Ring
Ring
Click.
“Hi, you’ve reached the former location of Bob’s Big Guns and Bear Traps, which has been turned into a righteous tool for a righteous cause: vengeance. Tonight I depart, and tomorrow I will return either with my shield or on it. I look forward to your custom when the business reopens with my tormentor’s stuffed head mounted over the till. Leave a message but do not expect it returned anytime soon: words mean nothing to me now, only the hunt.”
Beeeep.
“Hey Bob it’s Stan, let me get right to it: where the hell’s my giant novelty bear trap? You said you’d just need it for one night and it’s been almost a week; what the hell man? It’s not like I NEED the thing, since you only gave it to me as a gag gift in the first place, but it’s rude to just walk off with stuff without saying so. Did you at least oil the springs? I might not have told you that, but it needs those springs oiled or it sticks. And it’s no fun trying to unstick that thing without losing your entire torso to it. You’re down a lot of fingers, man, don’t go doing anything stupid.”
“Uh. Bob? You didn’t do anything stupid, ri”
Beeeep.