The micro-island nation of Blip has only one dock. It only needs one dock, and there isn’t much space for more anyways.
Currently the dock is a little overstuffed. A large, bulky chickenwire box is occupying most of it. There is a man in it, and a woman leaning back against it, dangling her feet in the sea. A second man is fishing nearby, poorly.
There is no other land within two hundred miles. But if someone were passing by – or if one of the gulls were uncommonly gifted with languages – this is what they’d hear:
“Hey, Claire?”
“Yep.”
“Let me out.”
“Nope.”
“Oh come on! I’m the president!”
“Deposed president, Tom.”
“That was illegitimate action and unjustified.”
“The gull cage.”
“Oh, this? It was for the gulls! For making nests, where Tim’s cat couldn’t get at them.”
“You locked Tim in it until the gulls ate him.”
“THAT was a temporary punishment for insubordination that went horribly wrong due to an honest mistake. How was I supposed to know the gulls would eat him?”
“You smothered him in fat from Paul’s deep fryer.”
“I didn’t want him to catch chill overnight. Just ask Ben, I’m very concerned with the health of my subjects. Right Ben?”
“Right what?”
“Don’t listen to him.”
“I was just saying to Claire that I’m very concerned with the health of my subjects. Remember when you felt poorly and I gave you those pills that made you throw up?”
“Yes…”
“Everyone said that was cruel, but you felt better afterwards, didn’t you?”
“Well, that IS true.”
“You were in a coma for three days and we had to nurse you back from the brink.”
“Oh, you’re exaggerating. He was fine! He was perfectly fine.”
“I don’t know Claire, are you sure you’re not being too harsh on him?”
“I’ve got the knife.”
“Woah jeez.”
“Yeah Claire, don’t be aggro on Ben. He’s just raising alternative points of view.”
“Shut up.”
“Does he have to shut up? He’s just-”
“Yes. Literally everything he’s ever said or done has been awful.”
“Oh come on, really? What about the wells?”
“Oil wells. Which you dug all over the hills, ruining our one actual, drinkable water well.”
“All we needed was one successful oil well and we could’ve had bottled water flown in daily. It was an honest gamble and we lost. Sometimes that happens.”
“That seems legitimate.”
“Ben? Shut up.”
“What, I’m just saying.”
“Alright. Into the gull cage with you.”
“What? Why?!”
“Sedition. You love your terrible president so much, you can be caged with him.”
“No!”
“I’ve got the knife.”
“Alright, alright. Fine. Fine!”
“You can have that corner, Ben.”
“Thank you.”
“You chose a good time to get locked up, you know. Here comes lunch!”
“Oh hey Paul!”
“Hi guys. Wait, there’s two of them now?”
“Ben was seditious.”
“I saw him bathe just this morning.”
“Whatever. You got the fat?”
“Well, I had it ready but then I thought…y’know, most people don’t actually LIKE pure fat. So I made some onion rings instead.”
“Paul for fuck’s sake we weren’t going to feed Tom the fat. We were going to coat him in it so the gulls ate him.”
“Woah, woah, woah! Why?”
“It’s what he did to Tim! Poetic justice, Jesus H. tapdancing Christ on a cracker don’t you know ANYTHING?”
“I know onion rings are a lot tastier than fat.”
“We don’t feed onion rings to the condemned.”
“What, no last meal?”
“No!”
“I didn’t sign up for this sort of behaviour. It’s downright unethical.”
“He fed Tim to the gulls!
“Yeah but… I never really LIKED Tim.”
“Right, that’s it. Into the cage.”
“Really?”
“I’ve got the knife.”
“Aw c’mon.”
“In. Now.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!”
“Welcome. You can have that corner.”
“Eugh, it’s full.”
“Nah, it’s mostly decomposed by now. Tim weathered fast. Must’ve been that big storm we had last week, eh Ben?”
“Tell me about it. Blew my roof off.”
“Which wouldn’t have happened if a certain someone hadn’t decreed all the trees be chopped down to build a gull cage.”
“Nobody asked you to butt in, Claire.”
“Yeah Claire! I didn’t ask for you to butt in!”
“Good standing up for yourself, Ben.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re all hopeless.”
“Who’s hopeless? Woah, Claire, what the fuck?”
“What?”
“Is EVERYONE in the gull cage?”
“No. You and me are out here.”
“Hi Brianne!”
“Hi Ben. Why are they all in the gull cage?”
“Sedition and treason.”
“Wasn’t that exactly why Tom had Tim fed to the gulls in the first place?”
“He made that shit up. These guys are all on record.”
“I did NOT make that shit up! Tim challenged my authority in public, and left me no other legal recourse!”
“He said drilling oil wells was stupid and you sentenced him to ‘a slow, lingering death.’”
“What else was I meant to do?”
“Anything at all!”
“Seriously Claire, why don’t you let these folks out?”
“They’re with Tom.”
“Let them out.”
“No.”
“I’ve got the knife.”
“No, I’ve got the – hey, when did you do that?”
“While you were screaming at Tom. Into the cage.”
“Fuck you.”
“Into the cage.”
“You can have the last corner if you’d like.”
“Shut up, Ben.”
“Why does she get the corner that doesn’t have Tim all over it?”
“Because that’s the one the gulls left the rest of Tim in.”
“Tom, if you don’t stop talking I’m going to turn you into a smear that makes this corner look like a posh hotel.”
“Says who? You don’t have the knifffffuuuuurghhacjkdhghhghurgh.”
“Woah!”
“Claire, what the hell?”
“I got hands.”
“Cllllrf.”
“Break it up! Break it up in there!”
“Make me!”
“Hllk.”
“Ben, Paul, get her arms!”
“Ben? I’ve got two hands.”
“Paul, get her arms!”
“No I’m good thanks.”
“Aaaaag.”
“Okay, break it up NOW or I’m coming in there to break it up myself.”
“Bllloo.”
“I WARNED you! Drop him! Now! Now! Okay, now!”
“Fine.”
“Hweeeeez.”
“Good. Damn, you’re like toddlers fighting over the same toy. Listen, we’re all in this together, and if you’d all been able to accept that earlier this cage never would’ve been built.”
“We’re all very in this together.”
“Huh?”
“The door shut behind you.”
The island of Blip is currently uninhabited, but it’s got a long and full life ahead of it. Someone will presumably come along and tidy things up.