Patient history
The Mad Master
Age: 42
Height: 5’10
Weight: 200 lbs
-Patient applied for treatment by kidnapping entire staff of hospital and putting them through his ‘trial of medicalamity’ to ensure only the wiliest would treat him.
*Patient was reached by Dr. Brussel, who cunningly removed his monitor collar with the aid of Nurse Braxley and then ambushed the droid sent to collect her ‘deceased’ body, using its armaments to blast a hole in the wall.
*Patient was waylaid and then diagnosed with appendicitis and compulsive villainous megalomania (CVM). Appendicitis operation was conducted ad hoc on site by Dr. Brussel and Nurse Braxley; CVM went untreated as patient was rescued immediately following surgery by his elite mandroids.
-Patient arrived with toothache. Upon being provided with the names and addresses of several local dentists, patient attempted to transmit entire hospital to the darkforce dimension for daring to defy his manifest will.
*Patient was subdued by Nurse Braxley, who heroically threw himself on top of the darkforce device and absorbed its energies into his own frame, catapulting them both into an apparently irreversible and sympatric coma.
*Patients are now in the long-term care ward, awaiting consultation by Mr. Mystical pending his return from the Otherlands.
Patient history
Fyrness the Scorched
Age: 11,290 yrs
Height (length): 178 ft.
Weight: n/a (broke scale)
-Patient applied for treatment for stiffness, aches.
*Source was found to be ‘wealth hemorrhoids.’
*Patient’s hoard was reshuffled so that the upper layers were exclusively small objects such as coins and the larger bulk goods and sharp objects were safely covered.
-Patient complained of recurring nightmares of tiny, defiant heroes wielding unspeakably sharp blades.
*CBT was suggested as the solution, but patient declined care as ‘feeble.’
*Nyqil was prescribed at 2 gallons/night. Patient claimed relief from all symptoms.
-Patient came into emergency clinic at 3 AM in a panic about their sore throat due to it being the source of their livelihood. Ensuring histrionics posed public threat due to magnitude of patient’s physique.
*Diagnosis: basic cold compounded by a severe panic attack. Allowed the patient a surface to recline and calm down on (hospital roof); provided 4 pounds fluoxetine and gave prescription for a followup half ton for future recurrences.
Patient history
Murderface
Age: 36
Height: 6’11
Weight: 300 lbs
-Patient suffered grave difficulties during sign-in due to being mute, illiterate, fluent in no forms of sign language, and encased inside an unreadable iron mask. Chief form of communication was through expressive machete flourishes and meaningful head-tilts.
*Patient’s arm hurt. Diagnosis was acute tendonitis due to excessive machete use.
*Patient was given a bracer and instructed to hack left-handed for the meantime, and to strongly consider a less strenuous livelihood.
-Patient was struck by vehicle on Highway 12. Paramedics found him deceased at the scene.
*Six minutes after being placed in the hospital morgue patient clawed his way out of the room using his bare hands and embarked upon a deeply disoriented rampage, apparently fueled by deep-seated animosity towards the co-patient who struck him with her car, who was being treated in ward 12 for a fractured wrist as a result of the collision.
*Patient was unrestrainable and unreasonable until Dr. Brussels raided his belongings from the morgue, which included a tiny music box. Playing it repeatedly calmed the patient until it broke, at which point the patient’s co-patient was forced to shove him off the hospital roof. Patient has not been seen since, but is presumed healthy.
Patient history
‘Big Shot’ ‘Danny’ ‘Allthumbs’
Age: ‘just a kid’
Height: ‘big shot’
Weight: ‘big shot’
-’Patient’ was admitted into intensive care due to pressure from a significant hospital donor, see?
*‘Patient’ wouldn’t stop hitting on the staff despite repeated censure, said he never could resist a pretty face.
*‘Patient’ vanished from his cot between the hours of 2 and 4 AM June 24th, during which time he was definitely not being dangled from his window by the Bigsby Bastard, the extremely nefarious masked adventurer that Dr. Brussels has nothing to do with and most certainly has never illicitly treated.
*‘Patient’ requested pen and ink at 5 AM June 24th, to write out his ‘memoirs’ which were more of a brief ‘confession’ of the ‘whacking’ of ‘Lemmy’ ‘Crowbar’ behind the ‘Big Cheese’ ‘Restaurant’ the previous week.
*‘Patient’ made a full recovery from various ‘bullet accidents’ but reentered treatment for mask-related PTSD the same week and CBT for ‘compulsive’ ‘quotation’ ‘use.’
Patient history
Mirg the Star-Sucker
Age: sixteen minutes
Height: one atom
Weight: n/a
-Patient was born destined to devour the sun and plunge the earth into darkness as foretold by the old tales, but suffered severe anxiety attack related to performance stress and admitted herself into professional care.
*Diagnoses: anxiety, depression, OCD, high-functioning autism. Some PTSD may also exist from seeing her mother defeated by the Warrior of Rain and Sun at the dawn of the last universe.
*Patient is currently on week 12 of an intensive therapy course conducted by Dr. Graxus. Medication pending full exploration of all permutations of the issues at work here.
Patient history
The Inevitability and Inescapable Reality of Death
Age: n/a
Height: n/a
Weight: infinite and inescapable
-Patient admitted itself upon the arrival of Tommy Witkins and his best friends, Gabby and Jimmy, to visit his dying grandfather.
*Patient was diagnosed with overwhelming depression and existential crises.
*Patient was treated with frank and earnest homilies about how to accept the inescapable, providing a wholesome lesson for all involved that they will bear with them even as their bodies grow old and tired and cease to function, their childhood dreams long left behind.
*Also prescribed some ritalin for Tommy, who definitely needs it if he wants to stop having that godawful series written about his hijinks.