Transcripts of the International Society of Vertebrate Biology, 2019, Day two, 1:35 PM.
Whalesong, Translated and Itemized, With Extreme Regret. Dr. Hedley-Schmidt.
Hello.
Welcome to this presentation. My name is Louise Patterson, and I’m Dr. Hedley-Schmidt’s head research assistant. What follows are the first fully-accurate transcriptions of nonhuman language. We are not proud of this.
And here’re the clips.
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Damn I’m Huge (Balaenoptera musculus)
Damn I’m huge!
Look at me! Look at me!
Damn I’m huge! PAY ATTENTION!
Damnit I’m vast! I’m enormous! I’m HUMONGOUS!
Look on my girth ye mortals and despair!
*
I’m Very Sorry There’s Propellers in My Ears (Balaenoptera physalus)
Sorry, sorry, sorry, could you speak up a bit? Just a bit?
I’m trying to pay attention, I promise.
Just a little louder, if you could, if you please.
I need you to raise your voice because there’s propellers in my ears
I’m not trying to complain, just letting you know about the facts
Not to raise a fuss I mean, but it’s really difficult to hear
Can’t even hear myself talk sometimes. Oh no, am I talking now?
I’m really very sorry that there’s propellers in my ears
*
Baby My Dick Misses You (Megaptera novaeangliae)
Oh where are you, where are you, where have you been and gone?
Baby, oh my baby, you know my dick misses you
I harbour only the deepest feelings of romance and love
And you must know that of course
By ‘I’ I mean ‘my genitalia’
Oh baby, my baby
*
Why Is There A Sharp Piece of Metal in My Back? (Balaena mysticetus)
Why is there a sharp piece of metal in my back?
Goddamnit shit ow ow ow that fucking smarts
Was it Iceland? Japan? Why do you people keep doing this shit?
I thought you guys quit, did someone need one more corset?
It can’t be for oil, surely
Jesus, that’s going to leave a mark
*
I’m Deeply Terrified of Dying Alone (Eubalaena spp.)
Oh no oh no oh god no I’m so very lonely aaaaauuuuuugh
Why can’t I rewind time and be very small again, I liked that, some of it, a bit of it, at least
Shit shit shit where did I fuck up aaaargh I’m so stupid my life is awful and it’s all my fault
Oh no no no no no no no no no
Piss
*
Baby Will You Not Consider My Pleas (Megaptera novaeangliae)
Honey won’t you be sympathetic? You’ve left me – and also my penis – hanging
We both yearn for you with the finest and deepest of passions
Was it something I said or failed to say or both? I promise we can make it up to you, together
It might have been all those barnacles on my back, and I apologize but I will not part with them
We are buddies; them, me, and my schlong
All of us entreat you: forgive us, love us, never let us go
*
Stuck In A Net (Eschrichtius robustus)
Ow this thing is jammed on my head
Can’t get it off, ow shit ow
Someone give me a hand here? Sort of having difficulties, and I need to breathe soon
Hello? Anyone?
Assholes
*
I Sure Am Happy! (Orcinus orca)
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Gonna bite ya gonna bite ya WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GOT ‘IM!
*
Ice (Delphinapterus leucas)
Ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice
Breathing hole
Ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice
Breathing hole
Ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice
Hey where’d all the ice go?
Back in my day we wouldn’t stand for this crap
*
Baby My Crippling Insecurity Needs Reassurance (Megaptera novaeangliae)
Please please please pay attention to me honey, please pay attention to me
Is it me? I hope it isn’t me
Is it my genitals? Oh god oh god oh god I pray it isn’t my genitals
Baby I can change and I promise that if size is a concern I swear I am above average
What are you holding out for a Right whale or something don’t be so choosy
Oh god baby I didn’t mean it I didn’t mean any of it please validate my existence
Please, please put up with my incessant garbage
***
Thank you all for your time. Dr. Hedley-Schmidt extends her sincere apologies and conveys regret that she ever embarked on this study. If you wish to burn your copy of it there is a small metal trash bin in the parking lot. No questions will be accepted as Dr. Hedley-Schmidt has left early to resume drinking.