Hobbard’s Homecoming
An excellent housewarming gift, also ideal for short reunions after long absences. Warms the cockles of your heart with its charcoal mouthiness, but remains as a soft, heatless glow inside for many hours.
Prepare: on a slow boil, allowing time for the flavour to dissipate. Understeeping this tea is intolerable. Pour gently, as rushing it will cause it to turn sour.
Serve with: something unhealthy, yet lightly so, and comforting, yet deeply so.
Price: quite reasonable.
Old Shop Mix
For business that is also a pleasure all its own. Plain, but straightforward. Calm, yet full of anticipation. Broadens the palate and focuses the mind.
Prepare: very easily – simple, repetitive sifting motions, can be done with one hand and half a mind. Good hot, good cold, perfectly adequate lukewarm. Thrives with neglect.
Serve with: light conversation and heavy work. Especially good with math.
Price: negotiable.
Eld McCaffton’s Exciting Tour
An experience. Or rather, an experiences. Singular, but contains multitudes.
Prepare: using no more than a gram and no less than a dust speck. The body’s antibodies must respond, but not grow over-alarmed.
Serve with: a certain disregard for one’s senses and a substantial amount of free time.
Price: extremely dependent upon local street conditions.
Plain Water
For hydration.
Prepare: by putting it in your mouth, carefully swallowing. Ensure it goes down the right pipe. Maybe splash your face a little too.
Serve with: care.
Price: it’s on the house.
Itchy feet.
Gets you up and stretching and poking things. A must for hikers, runners, tourists, and anyone who wants a little challenge while meditating.
Prepare: stirring constantly and never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever stopping.
Serve with: the spoon still in the mug, rotating furiously.
Price: four no three no five no two just take the damned thing.
Reminiscence
For remembering the old days. The old, old days. Do you ever think of them? Dream of them. I do.
Prepare: with great patience. Do not disturb it while it is steeping. Brood over it a little before sipping.
Serve with: hesitation. Is this the road that must be travelled? Could you not move forward? But no. But no.
Price: perhaps too high. But perhaps worth paying all the same.
Revenge
Die! Die in the name of my parents, swine! Filth, pig, dog-shit, rot-that-walks!
Prepare: under icy atmosphere, slowly warm the kettle as it least suspects it until you have its trust, then put DEADLY POISON inside it and permit it to bubble with the patient, glacial mind of a REPTILE. SMILE unceasingly. Pour colder than HELL ITSELF.
Serve with: my heavy boot CRASHING INTO YOUR RIBS AS YOU VOMIT ON MY FLOOR, DOG!
Price:less.