Storytime: Keeper’s Records for the Residents of Summerdale Dr.; Midland, ON; Canada

November 29th, 2017

Keeper’s Records for the Residents of Summerdale Dr.; Midland, ON; Canada.

Lena J. Christoff
Riled ever since Assistant Keeper Thomas dropped her feed bucket last week. Has feigned charges at every worker passing by her compound for six weeks running. Only enter the yard in pairs or greater numbers, with cattle prods at the ready.

Timothy van Duffel
Was well on the road to settling in until something spooked him severely Wednesday. Ruffled plumage and nervous disposition ever since. Some of his tracks were spotted on Gary Olson’s lawn; it’s possible they had an altercation overnight. Extra feed for the next few days and give him some space. And someone ask management for the budget for proper surveillance coverage. Next time we could lose someone’s neck.

New arrival: Keith Halibut
Large but reserved, remains contentedly aloof. Not a bad way to respond to a move, but we want to make him comfortable with the public. Slip a few deboned raw chickens into his diet – just toss them at the end of the lawn. Get him used to showing off early, before he gets too comfortable in his shell.

Elizabeth Edwards
Restive and fractious this week. Meals must be given in absolutely pulverized state to avoid further agitation. Teething remains a difficulty. Use the tongs to avoid nipped fingers or worse; ask Senior Keeper Holly why she has to cut her right-handed gloves short a knuckle.

Laurel Bruce
Remains sickly, off her feed. Grind the pills extremely fine before putting them in her morning oats or she’ll know something’s up and refuse to eat. Keeper Andrew is still on double shifts there; he’s the only one she’ll relax enough around to get some sleep. Keep extra coffee on standby for him so he won’t nod off in the pen.

Gary Olson
Frankly, one more week of misbehaviour out of this guy and I vote we send him to the knackers. Still bullies the other inhabitants of his lot, and he’s up at all hours screaming his head off. If he tripped on a rock and broke his empty little head overnight, the first thing we’d notice is everyone else’d be a lot more relaxed. Until then, firm hands and ignore him when he acts up… but if he tries any shit, give him both ends of the taser. Boundaries. Needs them.

Heather Mangrove.
Remains hyperactive and bouncing off the walls after the misdiagnosis – no hard feelings, Keeper Terry, but you need to be clearer with the vets, because next time might not be so (relatively) harmless. The meds should be out of her system by 6 AM Saturday, but until then don’t give her any food, just lots of water. She’ll sleep like a log when the high’s over, so have a double feed ready Sunday morning.

Gabbie Wellington
Is a grade-A monster. Needs more socialization with older individuals. Maybe bunk her with Laurel Bruce for daytime sessions once Laurel’s feeling better, give them both something to do.

Carry along with whatever you’re doing, I refuse to get involved.

Keeper O’Neil
Is doing quite well thank you. Ha ha. Look, I don’t ask that you take your jobs stone-faced, I don’t ask that you do your work unsmilingly, I just request that you take it SERIOUSLY. And that involves not putting your co-workers on the list, okay? Okay.
Anyways, give him more donuts.

Francis Mark
Fine. No problems here. Straight As across the board. God, I wish you were all like Francis. Why can’t you all be more like Francis?

George Newbury
Still broody, even though he’s (a) half a lifetime past parenting age and (b) attempting to baby a chew toy. We may have to put him down soon before it gets too painful for him.

Reginald Samsa
Having difficulties with the climate, although there’s no obvious symptoms of hypothermia yet. Next time he’s in the yard sneak him extra bedding and maybe a hot water bottle, that should tide him over until he gets used to the chill.

Theresa Mulberry, Sr. & Jr.
Happy and healthy, but something of a road hazard. Try to monitor their movements and be ready to hustle smaller residents out of the way when they’re on the go so they don’t carom them right off the sidewalk and into the ditch; that’s how we lost Donald Zimmer thirty years ago.

Keeper O’Neil’s Big Fat Donut-Filled Gut
oh screw you guys

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