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-The world was wound up one day like an ancient grandfather clock. But the key was lost long ago, and now every year everything gets a little bit slower. This is why old people are so sluggish.
-Salt and pepper actually grow from the same bush. Salt is what you get if you harvest the berries before they’re ripe; pepper is collected after it over-ripens and splats on the ground.
-Dogs are female cats.
-Europe is named after the ancient city of Eur, which dominated the continent with its sophisticated knot-tying techniques before the whole metropolis was destroyed by a tough granny.
-You can turn seawater into normal water by adding sugar to it, which cancels out the salt.
-Olympic weightlifters eat nothing but catfish, because all catfish come with a pair of barbels.
-Puns are in this world because you have sinned. They are your punishment.
-Computers invented themselves during World War 2, because they wanted to find a way to get off the planet.
-Spanish is actually the same language as English. It’s just pronounced very differently.
-The French and Indian War of the 16th century was the longest war in history because both armies had to travel more than seven thousand kilometres overland to meet in combat. To make matters worse they missed each other in the traffic and the whole war had to be cancelled. It wasn’t all bad. Each army had a nice holiday in each other’s country, and the souvenir trade drove both their economies through the roof.
-Pigment isn’t actually made from pigs. It’s made BY pigs. The name is a coincidence.
-The Olympic Games pre-date the United Nations, which was formed to prevent wars over figure skating scores.
-Babies are actually aliens. When they stare intently at you, they’re reading your mind to learn new words quickly. When they start crying for no reason it’s because you thought bad words at them.
-Dinosaurs are alive, just invisible. They don’t need to eat as much that way, but they make a point of instantly devouring anyone that steps on the cracks in sidewalks.
-When you get older you’ll enjoy eating all these healthy foods we keep pushing you to try.
-The sky stays up because it’s very light. It’s actually so light that if Mount Everest wasn’t bolting it down it’d fly away and we’d all float into space.
-Thunderstorms are what happens when warm air meets cold air. The thunder is the two air fronts arm wrestling. The lightning is when they call each other rude names.
-Hamsters are miniature guinea pigs. Guinea pigs are short-eared rabbits. Rabbits are long-earned woodchucks. Woodchucks are beavers with stubby tails. Beavers are capybaras with short legs. Capybaras are very tiny deer with no antlers. Deer are just baby moose. Moose are scrawny bison. Bison are short-nosed rhinos with long hair. Rhinos are confused elephants.
Therefore, your hamster is an elephant.
-T-shirts are made by sewing a sweater, then peeling it apart like an onion and chopping off the arms.
-Australia is both a continent and a country. This means that it gets an extra two votes every UN session.
-While dolphin-safe tuna does exist, there is no such thing as tuna-safe anything. Tuna are the most frightened and nervous animals in the whole world.
-If you’re playing rock, paper, scissors and you make a gesture that isn’t one of the three titular ones you instantly are banned from all rock, paper, scissors ever and if you ever try to make one of the gestures again your hand cramps up.
-Nothing is better than something.