Baby, why are you crying? Shoo-shoosh, no more tears, mommy’s here.
Was it a draft? Was it a sound? Was it the size of the whole world? Shush shush, don’t worry.
Was it the dark?
Oh, of course.
Mommy can fix it, dry your cheeks and unred your eyes, don’t worry. Mommy can help. See this?
It’s a night-light.
It goes in the wall here – right here – and it turns dark into bright and night into white. Owls go to sleep when it’s on; the moon hides away in the sun; the sky turns blue and the moths fly away and the raccoons drop their garbage and run.
But don’t touch the cord, baby, not even a little. Be careful and quiet and calm. Because if you touch the cord – just a little, baby – it could pop fizzle snap out the sun.
Baby, why are you still crying? Shhh, calm now, good boy.
Did you hear an owl? A coyote? A racoon?
A ghost? A gargoyle? A ghoul?
Was it a thing that goes bump or more of a thump? There’s a big difference, you know.
Don’t worry, don’t grumble or fuss. Turn that little frown upside down. Mommy can help with one of her tricks. See this?
It’s a teddy-bear.
Tuck it under one arm – right tight! – and under the other – real snug! It’s soft as cashmere with steel underhair; mouse-mild but house-sized when squeezed. Just give it a hug and whatever dares bug, well, I wouldn’t be it for the world.
Just don’t touch its mouth or eat near it, baby. It’s friendly, but we’ve all got our limits.
Baby, are you crying again? Oh no, not again, not more!
It can’t be the dark, it can’t be the creeps, it can’t be, I fixed them for you. Shh-shh, let me think.
Think.
Think.
Oh of course the classic the CLOSET.
Good boy, don’t worry, mommy can help. Look here-
A blanket: secure and safe.
Tuck yourself in with it here and there, go to sleep without a care. When the closet door swings wide, just slip your head underside.
Then you push the little button in this corner – here – and it floods the rest of the room with cyanide. Don’t put your nose out until after forty mississippis, okay?
Good boy, baby, good boy. See? Mommy knows best.
Baby, it’s four in the morning! What’s got you so worried this time?
Is it colic? Appendix? Incoming influenza?
Or is it existential angst?
Well baby don’t pout, and baby don’t worry, because I can help with that too. (Mommy knows everything, you see).
Baby, there is no point to all this. Baby, there’s nowhere after it’s done. But when your body’s all to pot we can let it just rot and put your brain in this cybernetic mnemo-dome.
See? See the pretty blueprints? Mommy’s got you all set, don’t you fret. Right to retirement and beyond!
Sleep tight, baby. Sleep tight.
Baby, please, why are you crying?
Baby, are you okay?
Let mommy help you.
I can help you so much.