Storytime: Abram’s and Meek’s Complete Dictionary of Walking, 14th Ed. (Pocket).

April 27th, 2016

Arrhythmic: A walk that takes place over rolling, bouncy terrain. Carry a sturdy walking stick or can and wear a safety helmet to prevent whiplash. Distinct from tall.

Bag-along: Any walk on which you are accompanied by an animal that can and will produce fecal matter (e.g., dog, cat, parakeet, infant, spouse, etc).
-Bastard’s bag-along: A bag-along, but without any provision taken to collect fecal matter for later disposal.

Blonk: A normal, everyday walk around the block that is so relaxing that you add another block and another block and another block and.

Crunch: A walk after a heated argument with a spouse or partner, characterized by three distinct parameters: the unnecessary stomping of the feet; the ferocious pounding red behind the eyes; and the increasingly loud screams from inside the very depths of your throat.
-Chop: A crunch that ends with the walker throwing themselves into a nearby deep, cold body of water, legs still juddering and striding all the way down to the icy bottom of mortality itself.

Dent: An unpleasant stretch of terrain smack in the middle of an otherwise lovely walking route. Examples include: road work; open sewers; vicious dogs barely restrained behind rickety wooden fences; playgrounds.

Epilogue: The stringing-on of a second walk along a different route after the completion of an initial, intended walk.

Granny: A walk characterized by a mindless repetition of the same looping pattern over and over again rather than adhering to any sort of sensible planning.

Hike: A close cousin of a walk, taking place almost exclusively in natural surroundings and with far more uneven terrain. Unlike walks, hiking demands specific footwear, namely boots. Common hiking hazards include bears; aggressive landowners with shotguns; and Lyme disease. A fuller examination of hiking is beyond the scope of this book, but can be found in its companion piece, Abrams and Behr’s Complete Dictionary of Hiking, 3rd Ed. (Pocket), also from Blottoham Books.

Jaunt: A saucy sort of walk taken for the purposes of extravagant display of a walker’s adornment, adored by young upstarts, macaronis, gadabouts, and vagabonds. Common points of display include wristwatches, hats, artfully adorned hairstyles, and tattoos.

Jog: A kind of obscenity, practiced by the depraved, the deviant, and the under-sexed. Can and will cause obesity, bulimia, and genital shrinkage. Not to be spoken of in polite company.

Mangle: A walking route with gorgeous scenery (often natural) paired with gruelling terrain. Many mangles are perilously close to becoming a hike.

Murgatroyd: A walker who perishes in the line of walking. Named in honor of Marian Murgatroyd, the great Scottish stroller of the 1920s.
-Murgatroyd’s march: A solemn memorial procession along the favoured walking route of a Murgatroyd, conducted with black-heeled shoes and the attachment of little bells to the coats of the participants.

Pickle: A walk with a clear destination through unclear terrain that culminates in a state of being completely and totally lost.
-Half-pickle: A pickle, but upon becoming lost the walker finds a nice local restaurant and has a good lunch as consolation.

Plod: A walk undertaken as a favour to another against the subject’s will. Characterized by sullenness, silence, and excessive stumping.

Quibble: A walk conducted purely on a whim because it’s nice out there and the walker is restless.
-Quibbleplex: A quibble undertaken with such force that the walker leaves their coat/keys/shoes at home.
-Quobble: A quibble spurred almost entirely by alcohol consumption.
-Que Quibble Quibble: A quibble in which the walker never comes back. Also known as ‘the Abrams.’

Ramble: A walk over familiar terrain conducted in such a manner as to sway erratically from one ‘standard’ walking route into another with little rhyme or reason beyond personal whimsy of the walker. Also known as a ‘meander.’

Run: Don’t say that.

Sprint: you disgust me

Stout: A walk after a big meal, on the cusp of becoming a waddle yet defying it with every heavy, ragged-breathed step.

Stroll: A meandering walk for its own sake and for the purposes of intellectual and emotional fermentation. Can be sweet (country), salty (city), or sour (industrial park).
-Slog: A stroll, but taken between the months of November and March. Popular ingredients include mud, snow, and muddy snow.

Stumping: Walking with the shoulders high and the head tucked low and forward, an essential adaptation for inclement weather and moody humours.

Tall: A walk that takes place principally over vertical terrain, consistent in one direction (either up or down). Not to be confused with arrhythmic.
-Wide: A walk that takes place principally over horizontal terrain, with a fixed horizon, clear weather, a warm sun, a light breeze, no sooner in the day than eleven AM and no later than two PM. Also known colloquially as a ‘Meek special.’

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