Fecal Analysis.

January 27th, 2016

Ape shit
Red-hot, with a white, pulsating core that blisters skin and raises the hair on the back of the neck. Lumpy in apparent texture, but closer palpation reveals the ‘lumps’ are actually jagged spines. Smells frenzied, with a nose of piss and vinegar. Frequently used in fertilizing grudges, outbursts, and maniacal sprees, as well as tanning hides. Will cause harm in a private residence without trained supervisors present.

Bat shit
Messy and haphazard, often found in over-complicated winding patterns that suggest several plans went wrong at once. Consistency varies wildly from feces to feces, as well as within that same feces. Smells like primal scream therapy funneled through the nostrils, with a warm, nutty finish. Sometimes used to grow fruits in loops, but largely considered hazardous for human consumption. Do not touch.

Bear shit
Robust, solid and earthy in form, texture, and heft; indubitable in its firmness. Looks exactly like you’d expect it to and nothing else besides. Incredibly strong smell renders it obvious to even the most cursory of inspection. A common and everyday sort of feces that can often be found right where you’d expect it to be – in fact, so often that most people never even bother to verify its presence at all.

Bull shit
Insubstantial and chalky, crumbles at the slightest skeptical touch. Possible formations can include: mounds, mountains, heaps, reams, tons, wads, and truckloads. Scent is arbitrary, but you’ll know it when you smell it. No common household use, but can ‘hive’ inside a willing host, acting as a form of symbiosis: the host animal provides a warm, safe nest, and the feces, when spewed violently, offers a form of basic defense. Signs of bull shit habitation tend to include: slight browning of the sclera, nose tip, and, when smiling or grinning, most exposed teeth. Reviled publically, yet overwhelmingly popular.

Chicken shit
Fleeting and trickly spatters, prone to running. Often deployed in place of urine. Is a key ingredient in many forms of industrial lubricant, but unadulterated usage can result in jerky, awkward movements. Exposure can be fatally embarrassing in serious adults or people who want to be serious adults. Spreads by word of mouth.

Horse shit
Similar to bull shit but more explosive and volatile. Can erupt at any moment when exposed to skeptical inquiry. If left to ferment longer, can detonate into subcritical apeshit. Use tongs, dispose of in a calm, neutral environment and allow a cool-down period before re-exposure to the source of the feces.

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