Preface
Hello, and welcome to life on/in/around/near BPNTV-5, the latest in a long and proud line of intertransdimensional colonizations and definitely the first successful one*. We understand that homesteading is a complex, tricky, and sometimes mildly worrisome business, but humanity’s had seven hundred attempts at this so far so we’re all old hands at this, eh sport?
Still, a little kind advice and care never hurt anyone. Especially since statistics (which never lie!) tell us that 98.2% of Earth’s population has no idea how to use any of the advanced technology that’s been dumped next to you in a big pile just now. Most of which, we modestly suggest, is basically mandatory for your surviving the next thirty seconds.
Read on! Quickly.
*Success not displayed at actual size
1. Taking a breath.
Expand your chest cavity by means of your chest muscles and so on, intake air into your lungs, and let it back out. Continue to do so in a calm, steady manner while reading the rest of this manual, so as to prevent hyperventilation, hysteria, involuntary shrieking, and/or attracting mawbats*.
*For more information on mawbats, see section 6-1(b).
2. Windmill installation.
Obviously you’ll need this up within the next five minutes. The collapsible windmill you have been outfitted with is durable, weather-resistant, tamper-proof, and fits together mostly using a package of little round plastic pegs. Those are in a small red bag. If you can’t find it, we kindly recommend you go home by the fastest means available*.
Set the windmill up in a good spot, don’t just pop it up where it’s been dropped. A clear patch of ground will prevent curious local plants from consuming its guywires. A strategically-placed pile of rocks will keep it standing upright and steady no matter how desperately you claw and scream at its base. A lofty location will provide it with the best winds and give you the greatest likelihood of snaring stray bluntpigeons in its rotors, which are among the healthiest of BPNTV-5’s local fauna when administered intravenously**.
Once your windmill’s set up, be sure to plug it in or you won’t get any wind. Common error, don’t feel bad. For this you’ll need the supplied universal socket, which you can plug into anything that isn’t moving too fast to be caught.
*Statistical analysis of a random sample of Earth’s last 672 intertransdimensional colonizations suggests that in 83% of known cases the fast means available consists of ‘don’t get off the landing pad.’ Since we only issue this manual once you’ve left the strip, we must gently discourage you from attempting it.
**For more information on bluntpigeons, see section 6-1(a).
3. Hurricane fencing.
Now that your windmill’s ready and plugged in, you should put up the attached bales of hurricane fencing immediately because if you don’t you may stand a very small chance of being violently hurled several kilometers away by its initial boot test. Don’t panic, mind you; this stuff tangles something fierce if you’re rushed, and trust us, the only thing worse than being launched into a tree at escape velocity is being launched into a tree at escape velocity with chain-link mesh wedged into every single crevice and cranny of your body. Just go back to section 1 and reread its instructions if you feel pressured.
Just read quickly, okay?
4. Verbal fencing.
A task of equal if not greater importance is providing some means of passive protection against rogue wordsqualls coming thundering out from the grammatic haze. It is strongly recommended that each settler spend around oneish hours a day (threeish if the homestead is illegally enormous) pacing the edge of their property while reciting as complex a list of nouns, gerunds, vowels, and synonyms as possible. This will boost morale and probably maybe prevent you from waking up one day with half of your vocabulary blown sixteen thousand kilometers away into an obscure creole.
5. Digging a welp.
Now that your person is about as protected as it can be for the moment, you should have a moment to rest. And once you’re done that, it’s time to dig a welp so you can have some water I guess.
The leftmost, largest compartment of your Settler-Duffle™ contains a collapsible shovel. Decollapse it forcibly using whatever extremity you deem fit and then use the following guide to find your nearest source of underground dampness or something.
-Low-lying. You want dirt that looks like it thinks a hillock is too much effort. If possible, find a spot where anthills can’t be bothered to stand up straight.
-Soft. Digging in hard, rocky soil is difficult, arduous, and really who cares.
-Apathetic. You get the idea okay.
Once your welp is about as finished as you think it can get, just sort of stop. Or whatever. Yeah.
6. Local flora and fauna.
BPNTV-5, like all known transdimensional locales, is a hotspot of marvelous, beauteous, and vexatious wildlife and wildflowers. Less than 0.0003% of its estimated species diversity has been catalogued, but don’t let that put you off! You can still get yourself an edge over your indigenous competition by reading this quick-start mini-guidebook.
6-1: Fauna
The fauna
(a) Bluntpigeon. As we all know, nothing is more delicious than a fat, stupid, slow-moving domestic pigeon. The bluntpigeon is no exception to this rule, seeing as it tastes mostly like feet. The best way to consume a bluntpigeon is to puree it into a fine paste, ferment it for no less than six days, then administer the residue via syringe into a deep vein. This will not nourish you, but the result psychedelic effect will probably distract you from realizing you just injected yourself with fermented bluntpigeon.
(b) Mawbat. Smaller and more leathery than they appear, yet also far more hungry. Flocks vary in size from something like three to three thousand. Probably. For information on dealing with mawbats, see section 6-1(e)
(c) Murderluffagant. A useful source of naturally-occurring luffas, which are absolutely essential if you’re planning on staying during Vrick season and retaining all or any of your epidermis.
(d) Piquant. Imagine a pickle. Now imagine an ant. Now imagine them combining. With any luck that sequence of thoughts will have distracted and sated nearby piquants, thereby dissuading them from directly consuming your brain and leading them to tolerate you as a moderately useful host species.
(e) Opassum. The only known animal with a furry tail and naked body. Don’t give it any attention or it’ll never let off. Just ignore it.
(f) Rex. Be reassured, homesteader-to-be! Despite its intimidating name, this creature is no dinosaur. Technically speaking, it’s a novatheropod. For information on dealing with Rexes, see section 6-1(h).
(g) Those. Words fail us. They’ll fail you too. If you’re confronted with the things we’re talking about, you’ll know it. Just don’t do the. The thing. Don’t do it. Do the other thing.
(h) Vrick. Like a flea, but eighteen times as big and with extremely large teeth and four jaws and possibly eight serrated limbs. The footage we’ve retrieved was heavily damaged, and we’re not really sure. For information on dealing with Vricks, see section 6-1(j)
(i) Wumbats. If you encounter a wombat nest near your homestead, we strongly urge relocation. Although their sub-audible snoring may initially seem to be a soothing hum, prolonged exposure has been strongly correlated with total bowel failure.
(j) Ziggy. Here is some practical advice: leave. Continue leaving until the problem isn’t.
6-2: Flora.
Don’t give them any attention. It won’t stop them, but it WILL encourage them.
47-4. Performing basic maintenance on your fiber-optic electromagnetic hyperkinetic calcium-enriched iron-fortified hardened-steel rubber-coated hyper-malignant all-purpose grater and combination knife (fork packaged separately).
(a) Open the rotochamber using the splange, and insert the freshly-charged gigavoltaic needle (be sure your goggles are still firmly fastened to prevent vivid hallucinations).
(b) Once the charge is fully-transferred (look for the third glint on the odometer), stop for a moment. Repeat section 1, then section 38(q), then continue repeating them until the hissing stops.
(c) Using your windmaul, violently slam the upper hilt and blade apparatus until it looks like what you wished it looked like as opposed to what it currently looks like.
(d) Unwrap and enjoy!
(e) Don’t bring into contact with anything you plan to put in near or around your mouth within the next sixty months.
13. Measurement and mathematics.
You may have noticed by this time that the ruler and tape-measure included in your duffle appears to be numbered somewhat out-of-order. This is no mistake or shoddy subcontractor’s error; BPNTV-5 has been scientifically proven to have somewhat unorthodox mathematical rules. Four, for instance, is the same as five, unless they’re both next to a three. This can happen surprisingly often. The full scope of BPNTV-5’s logical and numerical problematics is, sadly, somewhat beyond the capacity of this manual to illustrate, but we will illuminate a few of the most common herein*.
1: Comes after 0.
3: Comes before 4.
2: 2 before 3 unless it’s a tree.
4: Shifty. Keep an eye on it.
5: Reliable yet insubstantial; cannot be kept indoors.
9: You can’t leave the 9 with the 7.
8: You can’t leave the 8 with the 9.
7: And you certainly can’t leave the 7 with either of them. How do you cross the river, and how many trips does it take?
12: Avoid at all costs.
17: Avoid at some costs.
6: Friendly yet complicated, seeing as it contains 3 2s 2 3s 6 1s and sometimes a 5 and a 1. This is to say nothing of the 4s.
20: You’re not allowed to think about 20.
*Curious homesteaders wishing to know more are encouraged to purchase the limited-edition folio compendium I Have No Math and I Must Scream, by (former) award-winning physicist and public intellectual Dr. Jill Fobbles.
20. A word from the editors.
As all previously-published editions of this manual have inevitably ended up a torn, bloodstained mass of pages beyond this point, this print has economically omitted all subsequent pages. Be safe and prosper!