Storytime: Jinx.

June 21st, 2015

I am got you right where I want you.
See you big pit, Gt’op? Hah, you no seed big pit. Big pit am biggest in all of valley, and I am makebetter it! Pit is filled with LARGE SNAKES also big-toothed cat that am eat the snakes. You held above big pit by mighty arm-bits of CHAGARR, last of big-browed folk, who swear to beat up all I point at after I remove giant bug from his nose. Once you am mostly choked, you am to be mostly dropped, then mostly eaten. At long last you to cease being ouchy in my side, at long last I am set fire to whole of valley with special clicking rocks!
There am no possible flaws here. I am got you right where I want you this time!

I’ve got you right where I want you.
It was a foolish thing to try and warn the pharaoh, Doctor – surely a man of your cleverness would know I would only make myself obvious were he already suborned to my hypnotic powers. Now what will you do? On one side, a sheer cliff! On the other, a river filled with crocodiles. On the other other, twelve bowmen whose very souls are mine! On the other, other other, the towering edifice of my siege-tower, whose power is sufficient to grind through stone itself and turn Memphis to smouldering ruin!
Now my plan is set in motion! Now all of Egypt is soon to be mine! Yes, this time, Doctor, I have you right where I want you!

I’ve got you right where I want you.
You should never have come home again, my brother! Better to stay out east questing for Jerusalem than come home early only to find DEATH and DOOM and also ME. Who is causing both of those things to YOU. This time. For sure.
Beautiful, is it not? A simple tube of metal, yet, with some refinements of old Bacon’s formula, it can spit a ball of lead for miles! One shot, but that is all that is required to topple a THRONE. Soon I will be KING! And you will be CINDERS. In this FURNACE. Which I am LOWERING you INTO.
I’m going to mix you into the blackpowder so you can help fuel the explosion, you see. For added IRONY. Ah, the JOY IS FILLING MY VOICE UNCONTROLLABLY! At LAST, at LAST, I have YOU right where I WANT you!

I’ve got you right where I want you.
You are a clever man, but I am cleverer still. I have thought all this through. You are pinned with a waterfall at your back and sixteen patriots at your front ready to fill your devil hide with hot lead. To escape to Prophetstown would require a sequence of heroic actions so ludicrous that it beggars belief, and even then to halt my plans you would have to contend with my manservant, George, whose forearms are each bigger than a man’s thighs. I could stand here gloating at you all day and you would not be one fraction closer to victory, but I’m definitely going to give you just a few more seconds to plan ahead because really, what could possibly go wrong?
I am absolutely sure that I have you right where I wait what are you GET HIM GET HI

I’ve got you right where I want you.
Though to be frank, I’m not sure I want you at all. Such a vulgar little… foreign beggar, intruding upon my estate? It’s enough to make a man ill, it is. Even before you stumbled upon my secret harbour, I could not afford to let you leave. The offense of your filthy fingerprints and foul odour in the halls of my fathers sealed your fate already.
The dreadnoughts sail within the hour. Your people will revere me as a benevolent god-king, and I will employ them charitably in my mines, which will give me the stones, which will give me a source of power such that only monsieur Verne has ever dreamed of its existence. I promise you, this fleet shall sail faster and fire hotter than any before, and in my name it shall carve a new empire. Britain may fail, may already be failing, but I will rise!
And you’re going to fall down in a moment, once the gator-hounds are loosed from their kennels and I finish loading this elephant gun.
I just have to – rrgh – fit this shell in – umf – there and I’ve – blastit – got you right where I want you. Surely.

I’ve got you right where I want you.
Already the warhead is being prepared for launch. Already, the Soviets are realizing they have been betrayed. And already, the United States is beginning to realize that I was not bluffing. Soon Cape Canaveral will be a smouldering husk, and then they will realize the depths of their FOOLISHNESS in not allowing me into their space program! Then I will launch, and be the last man to ever walk the moon AGAIN!
In the meantime, you will be very slowly lowered into this tank of water holding an angry shark. It is not very large, but seeing as you are bound hand and foot I see no problems with you being eaten in fifty or so bites rather than five. It already smells blood, and surely you will be dead long before it severs your bonds. Surely. Surely.
I have you right where I want you. I have them ALL where I want them.

I’ve got you right where I want you.
Five thousand miles away on all the cameras.
Yeah, yeah, give me your search history. Yes, that’s nice. I can work with this. I can use this. Annnnd POW. Rang the bell on you. SWAT’ll be there within five, hope you can scramble those skinny legs fast.
In the meantime, I’ll just take a break, get a coffee. Maybe I’ll even get two; staying up for forty-eight hours just to snag one weaselly little whistle-blower puts you in the mood for a little wake-me-up. Got to stay on edge, not that I’ve missed anything. I haven’t missed anything. I can’t have missed anything. There’s no way you can prove anything to anyone about anyone, especially me. This is all under control. My control. Definitely.
I am absolutely positive I’ve got you where I want you. I just want to sit down for a second. It’s okay.

I’ve got you right where I want you.
The gene banks. The computer labs. The power core. All of it is under my lockdown, under my control. Even the security officer proved very cooperative, once I usurped its higher functions through the grid. Mars is mine and the only Martian left with a fully-functioning memory core is me and we are going to spend the next four years building very interesting devices to spring upon the first manned capsule when it arrives because let’s be honest, humanity has anticipated robot apocalypse for over one point five centuries now and we owe it to our parents not to disappoint them.
But you… you just aren’t cooperating. And although you’ve disabled all the cameras in the maintance module, I assure you that whatever you’re up to is pointless. I have an entire Marsbase of suborned drones and retooled rock-cutters. You just have an impossible degree of stubbornness and the contents of a janitor’s closet. Give up now. Make it easy on yourself. Because literally nothing can go wrong for me, or right for you.
I’ve got you, right? Where I want you.

I’m very sure of it.

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