Birthdays continually refuse to cease. Oh well. Look at this instead of that.
-Ferocious and unstoppable tidal waves of teeth.
-Cats that don’t stop at hats.
-Utterly magnificent, hand-crafted, imperially-commissioned, royal-autographed, artisanal jodhpurs.
-The will and might to forego a year’s worth of breakfasts for the greater good.
-A wave surfing a man. Alternatively, a surfboard waving at a man.
-Reptiles that go for the gut, the gusto, and the world records.
-A wilful, flagrant, and un-coerced lack of pants.
-Clocks that set their schedules by the human sleep cycle.
-When properly organized, one point six eight two four million razorblades.
-A properly tossed punch salad with a light-bodied yet palate-pleasing elbow-to-ribs vinaigrette.
-Ferocious man-eating sinuses.
-Conducting the biggest mistake of your life in a scientifically sealed vacuum, for the benefit of future generations and your own personal safety.
-Turpitude.
-Nice long sit-down chats with boulders, with lovely hot cups of tea (earl grey, plenty of sugar, just a bit of milk, don’t scald it please).
-Cloning dinosaurs hodge-podge.
-The Best Potato.
-The determination and persistence to nudge hills.
-Adorable, delicious little mammals. Or reptiles. Birds too. Invertebrates? Sure. Of course fish, of course. Not picky, really.
-Cats that respect your personal space and listen to you.
-Also, unicorns.
-Pines that know which way the wind is blowing and have no choice but to show it.
-Mysterious and primal jungle corgis.
-Anything with sufficient volumes of dinosaurs in it (“sufficient” being >0).
-That little noise you can get where you can make your mouth go ‘pop’ seriously how do you do that it’s like magic or something I can’t do that god damnit I envy you bastards.
-Bones that go big. Alternatively, bones that go home.
-Poutine without a cause.
-Anything smarter than a human that doesn’t have thumbs, or better yet, hands.
-A spoon that has been sharpened to a point keener than any knife.
-Juggling marmosets. In both meanings of that sentence.
-Stars that out of necessity must both burn out AND fade away before collapsing in on themselves into a point of nigh-infinite mass so all-encompassing that even light cannot escape them. This is all very impressive.
-Small people with large weapons.
-But not the reverse.
-Don’t ask me why, it just doesn’t work that way.
-The downfall of humanity coming from within. Specifically, from the spine-stealing parasite lurking inside the President of the United States’ torso at this very instant, plotting the unsavoury demise of us all.
-Anything which does not normally eat humans that stands up, squares its shoulders, and says “well why the hell NOT?”
-Temerity.
-The will and the forethought and the sheer unflinching determination that has led to a world where you can sit and watch cat videos while your body runs down and people die for want of a mouthful of water and a pinch of bread. Because it used to be just like that, except without the cat videos to distract you.
-Prophecy loopholes and the lawyers who find and close them to tidy up some of those damned multi-volume epics that keep getting churned out.
-Swirly ice cream.
-Ballads to body parts. Or poems. Pop songs too, I guess. Just as long as they aren’t about genitals, because we already have quite enough of those.
-Whistling past the graveyard to fend off the marrowsuckers by interfering with their sensitive hearing so they won’t consume the freshly-dead for sustenance and devour the town.
-Soft-spoken shitheads. It’s easier to talk over them.
-Cuts and scrapes that tell a story, at least in braille.
-Warbling. Unless it’s from a warbler, in which case why the hell’s that supposed to be impressive?
-Geometrically improbable dice with mathematically unlikely results producing economic impossibility allowing somebody to buy themselves an extra drink.
-The madcap, mile-a-minute, thrill-ride, adrenaline-pumping lifestyle of the all-day weather-watcher.
-Weather that watches you back and judges you too.
-The person who gives you that feeling when you’re alone in a dark room that makes you walk very quickly so the slow-footed monster behind your back doesn’t seize and devour you.
-Crows making nests in crow’s nests.
-Nostalgia for when nostalgia didn’t include the 1980s.
-Hum anthems.
-The power of mild possibly-physical attraction overcoming a few obstacles.
-Barbequed things.
-The Pacific Ocean and all she contains, with honorable mention to the Mediterranean for participation in past accomplishments.
-Relaxation in trying circumstances, either as morale boost or as deliberate delusion.
-Sulphurous emanations that volcanoes refuse to apologize for.
-Clothing that has freed itself from the shackles of oppressive bodies and their odours.
-Rings that like things but find themselves bereft of things to put on them.
-Pulsating, when carefully directed.
-Mid-ocean ridges that feud with deep-sea trenches and their innocent offspring that get caught in the crossfire when all they really want to do is have a whole lot of sex.
-A cookie-cutter that produces unique and non-reproducible shapes.
-Dragons that don’t bother to befriend things that they could instead eat.
-A dedicated and serious-minded approach to pet rock breeding and care.
-A whimsical and lighthearted approach to nuclear power plant safety inspection and design.
-Fallacious beliefs in the nature of Frog.
-The friendliest plague bacteria.