The spaceship was a mathematically – and thus ultimately – perfect silver sphere, absolute in its adherence to physical laws without regard for fragile aesthetics or insignificant atmospheric efficiencies. It slid down the planet\u2019s gravity well in a subtle curve that spoke of universal constants and Euclid and the gentle spiral of an ammonite\u2019s shell, of pi without fillage, of the music of the stars and universal constants. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It parked on top of a lot of grass and trees and some gazebos and the Science Team filed out. Each and every one of them were men of perfectly irrelevant size and stature whose personalities had been mapped into their fields by cutting\u2014edge psychological science since youngest days, and accordingly possessed the overwhelming confidence and resolution of those who had never not known exactly what they were doing. Squaredness of jaw and firmness of gaze were unanimous psychologically if not physically. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat a magnificent archology,\u201d mused the Captain as he gazed upon the skyscrapers. \u201cTruly the inhabitants of this planet dream skywards. Lo, they shall soon slip the earthly bonds of this planet for a destiny among the stars.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThis is completely inevitable,\u201d agreed the Fiat Historian. \u201cAll data points converge upon them reaching their equivalent of the Lopschnell Epiphany within the century. Doubtlessly they\u2019ve undergone the Archaemaniacal Retraction at least twice by this point \u2013 both preceding and following their sixth nuclear war and the resulting diplomatic exchange of ranking dukes and scholars \u2013 leading to the rush for moon dust and centrifugal jugs. All the math proves it based on our readings of how many microwaves they\u2019ve put into their atmosphere in the last six minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIndeed,\u201d replied the Chief Seconder, \u201cas we are all aware, historoloy is a matter of axiomatic fact and scientific data and is not host to any vagaries of so-called \u2018interpretation.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNow let\u2019s contact the locals,\u201d said the Captain. \u201cYou there!\u201d he called at a passing cat, \u201cwe are here to share our vast knowledge of the cosmos! We have the knowledge of ALL perfected forms of medicine, machines, government, and social behaviours, and are willing to give them away as is our mutual self-interest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cat stopped, flicked its ears at him, narrowed its eyes briefly, then began to lick its anus with great vigour. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA truly advanced people socially, even if their grasp of machinery remains primitive,\u201d marvelled the Fiat Historian. \u201cSee the confidence with which even the average citizen pauses to evaluate their options without fear of appearing weak or indecisive. These are beings of reason. Doubtless their eugenics programs are well-developed to produce a superior personality \u2013 one saturated with enlightenment and reason, rather than criminal paranoia or superstitious awe.\u201d The cat switched to licking its upturned leg, and the Fiat Historian\u2019s mouth dropped open in awe. \u201cLook! It\u2019s even considering multiple positions on the spot! Magnificent!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI agree,\u201d said the Chief Seconder. \u201cThis is completely sound and reasonable. All the evidence is in indisputable accord with your arguments.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Machine Maker looked up from his tools. \u201cMy machines say that this isn\u2019t the leader,\u201d he announced in his bland voice. \u201cIt is too small. The leader lies in that direction.\u201d And he held up a machine that pointed in a direction. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI agree with that, since the machines are never incorrect,\u201d said the Chief Seconder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI will lead us now,\u201d said the Captain. And with those words he strode out in the indicated direction into the midst of a flat asphalt path, where a fast—moving metallic object crashed into him and dragged his corpse for dozens of yards. A fleshy bipedal appliance popped out of it and began making high\u2014pitched warnings in some kind of repeated alert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMy health machine says that the Captain has died,\u201d said the Machine Maker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCurses!\u201d said the Fiat Historian. \u201cA group without its leader is approximately two hundred percent more likely to suffer catastrophic social dissolution and failure as it breaks down under the whims of its unspecialized and ignorant members! Since I recognize this is a problem, I\u2019m in charge now.\u201d
\u201cI second that,\u201d agreed the Chief Seconder. \u201cIt makes perfect sense.\u201d
\u201cI only care about machines,\u201d said the Machine Maker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSounds excellent,\u201d said the Fiat Historian. \u201cWe are now going to succeed because we have a leader again, in accordance with Mecklebaum\u2019s Rule. I will lead us now. Carefully.\u201d And with those words he strode out in the indicated direction. Carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Across the path of asphalt (and the corpse of the former Captain, now surrounded by more bipedal appliances, all honking and beeping and wailing their alert\u2014sirens) lay more green grass and trees and some new gazebos that their spaceship hadn\u2019t parked on top of. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThis is a remarkable achievement,\u201d said the Fiat Historian (and Captain). \u201cSee how the wilderness intrudes violently upon the terrain of the archology in these areas? Doubtless the foreign material is the result of relativistic kill\u2014bolides deployed by rival powers outside the solar system, seeded with biological weaponry designed to overwhelm and rend asunder technological development. And yet even with their seemingly\u2014feeble knowledge, behold how they have built failsafes into their environment! Why, this grass is edged with harsh silica and replicates at astonishing speeds even with little soil or water \u2013 yet behold how stoutly this feeble concrete slab resists its encroachment! Inspiring stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt\u2019s amazing,\u201d said the Chief Seconder. \u201cWe will become very famous and respected for discovering this and speaking so confidently and correctly about it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMy machine says that the leader is in that direction,\u201d said the Machine Maker, pointing across an odd body of fluid. \u201cAcross that odd body of fluid. I don\u2019t know what kind of fluid it is because I didn\u2019t pack my fluid describing machine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSimple historical factualism will enlighten us,\u201d chuckled the Fiat Historian (and Captain). \u201cLogically, this must be simple and wholesome sulphuric acid \u2013 any halfway sophisticated civilization that has undergone the Verbotskew Enlightenment such as this will have recognized its many benefits in industrial and commercial applications, and will have large bodies of it freely available for all to partake and sample.\u201d
\u201cMy colour machine says that it\u2019s blue,\u201d said the Machine Maker. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat, do you think it\u2019s dihydrogen monoxide?\u201d scoffed the Fiat Historian (and Captain). \u201cGood gravy, what sort of society would leave something like that lying around where anyone could simply step into it? Get moving.\u201d
\u201cYes, we should get moving now,\u201d said the Chief Seconder. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI only know what my machines say,\u201d said the Machine Maker. So he packed up his machines on his back and walked forwards into the liquid where his suit dissolved followed by his entire exoskeleton.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDihydrogen monoxide? How peculiar,\u201d said Fiat Historian (and Captain). \u201cThis makes no sense according to all known laws of historology.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAh, well, nevertheless,\u201d said the Chief Seconder. \u201cThere\u2019s a bridge over here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The bridge led to a high-security compound. Dozens of beings watched the brave explorer-scientists from within deluxe suites, shielded from happenstance and harm by an ingenuous combination of bars, fences, gates, moats, and little concrete walls. Great plaques adorned each office, depicting its inhabitants\u2019 deeds, names, and anatomy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAgain, we see the high quality of social character exhibited by this civilization,\u201d pontificated the Fiat Historian (and Captain). \u201cBehold! They know that complete transparency of decision-making is necessary for a people\u2019s trust in their leaders to be guaranteed without reservation or misplaced faith. Witness the small shrieking one dangling from a tree by his tail: he is masturbating, confident that his fellows will judge him dispassionately.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA truly naked culture without shame or insincerity,\u201d marvelled the Chief Seconder. \u201cWe can only speculate wildly about the quality and superiority of their leader. Which is he, anyways?\u201d
\u201cAha!\u201d shouted the Fiat Historian (and Captain), finger extending boldly forwards. \u201cBehold! Alone, without machine aid, fuelled only by the brilliance of our naturally\u2014trained brains, we have discovered him! He lies before us and a little bit below sprawled on that big rock next to the pond.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAha!\u201d said the Chief Seconder. \u201cWell done!\u201d
\u201cIndeed! Now I shall go in to introduce myself. What does this sign say anyways?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Chief Seconder squinted carefully at the sign. \u201cS I B E R I A N T I G E R,\u201d he relayed promptly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cStirring! In I go!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA wonderful idea! I will wait\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Chief Seconder stood at attention for ten minutes, whistling happily and ignoring many loud noises. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI am ready!\u201d he shouted, just in case someone was listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And later: \u201cI am still waiting!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then, much later: \u201cI might wish someone would suggest eating soon. I\u2019m getting hungry. I mean, I think I am. I don\u2019t know for sure until someone tells me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There may have been survivors, but a passing summer shower late in the afternoon melted the entire ship into a puddle and the point became moot. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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