Games for children that are no longer played.
Game: Frog-and-go-seek.
Proposed by: Benjamin.
Rules: One frog is caught and designated “it.” “It” is marked with an unremovable marker filched from Tammy’s dad, then hurled into the swamp. First person to find “it” wins and gets to keep the marker.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Four weeks, four games, four near-drownings, four mandates from four sets of parents to cease and desist.
Game: Throw rocks at the loser.
Proposed by: Tammy.
Rules: Rob is selected to be the loser. All participants must throw rocks at him until he cries for a combined total of no less than five minutes. Winner determined by quality, quantity, and breadth of bruises caused plus bonus “sob value” point system.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Three minutes, three-fifths of a game, Rob’s older brother, Jake, and Jake’s right steel-toed-clad foot.
Game: Monopoly.
Proposed by: Rob.
Rules: Let’s just try playing Monopoly okay?
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Five minutes, proposal of better use of time (see below).
Game: Monopoly is boring.
Proposed by: Susan.
Rules: Monopoly is boring so let’s make it so whenever you land on a space you get punched once for each house and an Indian burn for each hotel.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Thirty minutes, Rob’s sensitive bruises, Jake again, Jake’s other foot.
Game: Queen of the mountain.
Proposed by: Tammy.
Rules: Tammy is the Queen of the Mountain, aka the biggest pile of rocks and dirt in the old quarry behind Susan’s house. Whoever knocks Tammy off the Mountain is the next Queen.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Forty minutes, half of players refuse to be Queen, Susan treacherously uses shovel to undermine the Queen’s throne and instigates an instantaneous counter-revolution.
Game: Pin the tail on the frog.
Proposed by: Benjamin.
Rules: One frog is caught and held immobile by a judge as blindfolded competitors attempt to attach a twig to its rear by any means necessary.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: N/A, vetoed by parents in pregame warm-up on grounds of animal cruelty, unauthorized borrowing of powered screwdriver.
Game: Dictionary wars.
Proposed by: Benjamin.
Rules: Flip the dictionary open at random, then point your finger at it without looking. Whatever you picked, you have to beat the person on your right at.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Three hours, Rob kept trying to pick “rhinoceros” and whining when he missed, Benjamin picked “pugilism,” Tammy was on Benjamin’s right, Benjamin had a glass jaw.
Game: Rake the lawn.
Proposed by: Susan’s mother.
Rules: Rake the lawn clear of leaves. Payment will be granted according to the size of each contestant’s leaf pile.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Two hours, failed argument with Susan’s mother that one big communal leaf pile is worth fifty dollars, downfall of unionization due to treachery in the ranks from Rob who accepted the scab paycheck of a popsicle.
Game: House.
Proposed by: Rob.
Rules: Let’s make houses out of paper mache and whoever has the coolest house wins.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: One hour, Susan made a house shaped like a bear and declared victory early, Tammy’s “butterfingers,” Tammy said it was an accident, Susan disagreed, parents involved, parents discovered paper mache houses, walls, ceiling, partial carpet.
Game: Booooring.
Proposed by: Susan.
Rules: I’m bored so let’s think of boring things and the winner has to think of a more boring thing in ten seconds.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Ten seconds, apathy.
Game: Egg wars.
Proposed by: Tammy.
Rules: Two teams are created. Each team must select a member’s house as “home.” On Halloween, each team must egg the other team’s “home” while preventing egging of their own.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Half a night, illegal intervention at blue team “home” by mercenary party Jake and Jake’s absolutely terrifying and startlingly realistic werewolf mask, illegal defense of red team “home” by throwing rocks above permitted size of pebbles not exceeding 1 cm in diameter.
Game: Let’s try alcohol.
Proposed by: Benjamin.
Rules: Let’s all see who can drink the most alcohol without throwing up.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: N/A, Jake’s refusal to buy, parents’ refusal to buy, impossibility in smuggling 1.5L bottles of vodka out of the store in coats.
Game: Snowman duel.
Proposed by: Rob.
Rules: Each player must crafted the largest snowman possible, then tip them down the old quarry behind Susan’s house. The winner is the one that looks the coolest afterwards.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Six hours, logistic difficulties causing all snow in Susan’s backyard to be consumed, bickering, trash-talking, theft of snow, sabotage, voluntary snowmanslaughter.
Game: Exxtreme snow tag X.
Proposed by: Susan.
Rules: Tag with the houserule of a direct torso or head hit with a snowball also counting as tagging another player.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Forty minutes, exhaustion from continuous running and leaping in full snow outfits, hunger, Rob accidentally kicking Tammy in the teeth when she tackled him.
Game: Icicle fencing.
Proposed by: Tammy.
Rules: Stab the other person, who is Rob, with an icicle.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: Forty seconds, inaccuracy due to blurry vision, falling over due to overexertion and aching teeth.
Game: Just hang out.
Proposed by: Susan.
Rules: Let’s go get some hot chocolate and write some lists.
Duration of existence and reasons for cancellation: One hour, Benjamin’s gotta go home now and Susan and Rob have dinner at six.
Good game.